How often do you have play dates?? About to go mad

[Cadela]

I’ll start off by saying I adore DD’s friend group but I can’t go on!

I have not had a single day off from a play date this week, and have 2 over the weekend.

Dd adores her friends, but the children ask rather than mums sorting it out and so Dd comes out of school saying mummy! So and so said they’re having a play date on Thursday! And so and so is there saying yay! And I can’t very well say oh no you can’t go because I honestly do not have the energy to fend off the crying. Fine once a week or so, but I’ve had 4 play dates in a row with another 3 to go 😭

How do I calm this down. I love Dd seeing her friends, but I cannot go on. They’re still little enough (5,6,7) so it’s not just drop and run I have to sit through coffee and chats as well as either hosting or ensuring my child is being kind!

ETA - clarification

Honestly, just no! When dd was Year 1, maybe once a week max. And parents were not invited. They might want to come but that wasn’t on the table so that was their choice to make. And definitely no same day arrangements

They are more than old enough for drop off and run. Run, OP, run!

I wish I could but the mums have become A Thing where we have to catch up while the children are all running around and I’ve tried the drop and run and it becomes a thing and I don’t have the energy to keep coming up with excuses!

I cannot just say oh we’re cutting down on play dates because then Dd would be left out.

Christ give me a toddler back immediately

Oh god no no no

Drop and run

This is so far out of my experience. We do maybe one or two a month plus parties and other organised stuff.

How do you have time after school for all this? Do none of you work or have more than one child (it’s separate infants/juniors here so a lot of people have to sprint from one to another) or do after school activities at school or outside? Also they’re definitely drop off after the first one in reception to check they aren’t obviously weirdos.

I just used to say "she can come but I have "a call" to do so cant chat. Do you want to pick up at 6?". They'd either then say yes or make excuses.

That's crazy. I'm a lone parent working ft so I can only accommodate one per week max and nothing would induce me to stay at the ones she's invited to, I need the time! I'd honestly say if your dd is so desperate to socialise, send her to after school club, at ours they basically just play with friends.

I don't agree to anything that I haven't had a verbal invitation from the parent for. So when my older two were little and came out of school saying 'Daniel wants me to go to his house now, can i go?' I would always say yes if his mum comes and speaks to me about it. I wouldn't approach her though and 9 times out of ten (more like 99 out of 100) I never got an invite from an adult so my children didn't go.

My younger one is now 6 and best friends with a close neighbour so they're often at each other's houses but that doesn't massively affect me as either my child is at the friend's house so I get free time as there is no need for me to be there, or the friend is at ours and the girls are playing in my daughter's bedroom and again I get time to myself. The only issue is that sometimes the bedroom is very messy at the end of it!

Use your words. If you don't mind having the child over but don't want to sit and chat with the mum then say! 'Sue, I'd love to have Janet over after school but I've got loads of housework and bit to do this afternoon. Are you ok to pick her up after tea?' It's not that big a deal.

I was never EVER allowed to ask if I could do something with a friend in front of that friend! No hand over the receiver while friend was on the phone either. It was infuriating as a child but I get it now as an adult! It puts you in a ridiculous position of looking like the bad guy if you say no. Implement that rule to start with to give you some breathing space to think. And maybe tell DD she can do 2(?) a week so she has to think carefully.

I bet the other mums are feeling the same! I have a rule that my children can't put me on the spot and ask in front of another child, I need to arrange it with the parents.

Christ just parent your kid and decide what's happening yourself.

Strange, we just do one play date per half term and it's always drop off. DD is 6. She has after school clubs every day of the week and clubs/pre booked family events (theatre shows or trips out) at weekends so it's just not a question of expecting to come over after school. We only do play dates in holidays or the odd inset day really, and they are always arranged at least a few weeks in advance.

My DDs always come out of school asking for play dates there and then and I tell them I'll arrange it properly with the other mums and/or dads. As another poster said, you're the parent/adult.

We have about 1 or 2 play dates and month and parents never stay. That's be a nightmare 😂

I wish they were drop offs 😭

Dd has clubs on Monday, Wednesday and Friday afternoons - but her friends also go to those so it’s a oh shall we take the kids back to mine for dinner sutuation and then I end up having to also invite kids over and make food etc.

I love the mums so much, and I love Dd having time with her pals but I’ve got stuck into this oh let’s always have kids over thing

To add - we all have singleton children, so I don’t know if that adds to it all.

Maybe I need to start the trend of one parent picking up and having kids over and parents pick up from the designated play date house and we can chat while the kids arse about not putting shoes on.

Never on school nights. About every other weekend, and usually a couple of times a week in holidays. I have an only child too but she needs downtime after various clubs and activities and wraparound some days.

i can’t relate to this at all tbh - my DC gets on very well with the other children and gets invited to playdates once a week or so, which is more than enough! He has activities on two days after school as well. If something else comes up, I just say no and reschedule for a different week.

You’re the parent, so prioritise what’s best for your child. It’s not a bad thing for your child to see you setting boundaries and saying no. although my son is quite social, I think he appreciates having a few days to just chill at home playing with his toys.

This is highly unusual! I maybe do a play date once a month, otherwise it’s go to the park after school once or twice a week and play with whoever is there. I do think it may be an over keen first born thing and things will gradually chill out.

Christ, that sounds hideous. I think I've done three this whole year (Reception). I work so only pick up on Fridays. There's the solution! Playdates have been on quiet weekends and one in the holidays when holiday club wasn't on and I was delighted to have something to fill the time.

When my son has come out demanding a play date I just say not today, X's mummy and I will arrange it for another day - and then we do.

And I can’t very well say oh no you can’t go because I honestly do not have the energy to fend off the crying.

Of course you can. You are the adult here.

They’re still little enough (5,6,7) so it’s not just drop and run I have to sit through coffee and chats as well as either hosting or ensuring my child is being kind!

Of course you let them stay at their friends' houses without you. They manage all day at school. they will manage for a couple of hours at a friend's house.

The plus side of having a friend round, is that your dc has someone to play with, so you (the host parent, and the parent leaving their child there) can get on and get something done during that time.

With kindness OP, you sound like a people pleaser- it’s okay to say no to things.
Your child needs you to be the adult and do what’s best for them, even if they may feel disappointed or upset in the moment.

7 playdates in a week is completely ridiculous, and can’t be good for you or your child!

I think I’d be considered quite a soft parent but I have a hard rule when it comes to play dates - kids don’t make arrangements, adults do.

I get asked all the time, and the kids are always making plans between themselves and my stock answer is ‘so and so’s mum and I will make a plan’.

Just don’t let her do this.

You’re mad for being to

You absolutely can say no! You're the parent!

"Oh that sounds like a lovely idea but we can't tonight / this weekend perhaps we can sort something out next week'

Job done?!

Why on earth are you letting a small child dictate your schedule??

'Dc can come but I dont finish work til 5.30. You ok if I pick up at 6?'
Job done

Because then all her friends go into school the next day talking about how much fun they had without her??

I don’t enjoy doing to them but I’m not about to let my daughter miss out. That’s not letting her dictate my schedule, I just want to work around the play dates every day thing.