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Original poster

Giving DS money to go to the fair (conflicting opinions edition!)

28 replies

rumhamm · 08/05/2024 14:13

The fair is in town this week (well, for 3 days) It comes once a year and is a highly anticipated event for teenagers.

My son has been experiencing emotional based school avoidance since half way through year 7. His attendance has been good between starting year 8 and Easter, but had dipped drastically since then. I’m working with the school to put some support in place for him (he's dyslexic and suspected adhd - poor processing skills and finds school totally overwhelming and confusing)

I was originally going to give him £30 for the fair if he went in yesterday and today. He only went in today. I suggested just giving him half the money, my partner thinks he should get nothing for not going in yesterday.

He also has £20 of his own money he could use, but partner also thinks he shouldn't have access to this for the fair.

Partners mum also gave us £20 for him to go to the fair, but partner said he can't have it (dc doesn't know this)

I feel torn now, and I feel him having any money is going to cause a row.

What are your thoughts?

OP posts:
PickledPurplePickle · 08/05/2024 14:19

So you and your partner are going to punish your child for having a disability?

You need to get him properly assessed and get him the help he needs, not punish him for this

The money for the fair shouldn't have been linked to behaviour that you know he struggles with

I think you are both BU

Youdontevengohere · 08/05/2024 14:26

So your partner wants to withhold access to his own money, and to money that he has been given by someone else? What a prince.
Money for the fair shouldn’t have been linked to school attendance in the first place, but it’s too late now. Even if you don’t give him money yourself, you can’t prevent him from accessing his own money, or withhold (steal?) money he has been given for the purpose. How would your partner’s mum feel if she knew you weren’t letting him have it?

Thursa · 08/05/2024 14:27

My thought is your partner’s a bit of an arsehole.

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Original poster
rumhamm · 08/05/2024 14:28

PickledPurplePickle · 08/05/2024 14:19

So you and your partner are going to punish your child for having a disability?

You need to get him properly assessed and get him the help he needs, not punish him for this

The money for the fair shouldn't have been linked to behaviour that you know he struggles with

I think you are both BU

I feel this is a fair comment. I felt like a total moron for trying to bribe him into school when it has not ever worked before. Trust me, I am fighting his corner with trying to get him assessed but have faced several Camhs rejections and school are digging in their heels.

My partner seems to be of the opinion that he is staying home for fun. Same for school. In fact, I feel completely gaslit sometimes, but that is another thread all together.

OP posts:
skippy67 · 08/05/2024 14:29

Thursa · 08/05/2024 14:27

My thought is your partner’s a bit of an arsehole.

Certainly seems that way...

DuskyEvenings · 08/05/2024 14:30

well I think you set him up to fail tbh. If he genuinely can't get himself to school, no amount of bribery will help. He probably feels bad enough already without taking this treat away from him. Personally I'd face the row and give him the cash.

Fanchester · 08/05/2024 14:31

Your partner sounds horrid. Is he DS’s dad?

He should have all the money- £30 from you, his own £20 and the other £20. That’s probably too much so he can save some for another occasion.

Don’t link money to school attendance. He’s not being naughty.

trampoline123 · 08/05/2024 14:33

I think it's a bit unfair to bribe him in the first place but understand you have good intentions. I don't think punishing him by deducting his money will change anything so I'd give him all the money and say something along the lines of 'I realise how hard it was for you to go in for the one day, here's some money for the fair I hope you have a great time.'

It was your bribe so you should really decide how to manage it, not your DP.

Sillystrumpet · 08/05/2024 14:34

I’m guessing your partner is not his father. Does he often suggest punishments that are abusive?

pyewatchet · 08/05/2024 14:34

Is his EBSA a case of 'can't' or 'won't'? I would bet given his likely diagnosis that it's 'can't' and no amount of bribery will change that. I'm happy to reward my AuDHD teen for doing something I know she found hard but I I could promise her the moon in a stick and she wouldn't be able to do certain things.

I recommend Can't not Won't by Eliza Fricker. amzn.eu/d/4U08pfl

Original poster
rumhamm · 08/05/2024 14:34

Thank you for replies so far. You're all saying what I'm thinking. Strangely, it makes me feel better.

It's so hard to be sure of yourself when you're told you're getting it wrong all the time.

OP posts:
Ohmych · 08/05/2024 14:35

I would give him half of the money because he went in one day and that is what you said he could have. If you give him it all he will know next time you'll give in.

I would let him keep his own money and the money from his grandparents and have the fight with your partner over it.

DoAWheelie · 08/05/2024 14:36

You can't punish him into not struggling.

I have ADHD and having things to look forward to is the only way I cope with doing the hard bits of day to day life. Not in the sense that I bribe myself (if you do x you get y - I still get y even if I don't do x) but by keeping my mental health on track.

If I don't have stuff to look forward to I start getting depressed and that makes the day to day stuff much harder to cope with. If I was being told I was never allowed to have anything nice because I struggled it would only make me struggle harder.

Is your partner his dad?

JeepSleeHack · 08/05/2024 14:39

It’s understandable that you wanted to try to find a way to motivate him to go to school. It’s great that you can now see that it wasn’t the best strategy.

I have no advice about how to negotiate your way out of this. Ideally, you’d be able to say to your son that you made a mistake attaching a reward to the fair trip, say well done for getting into school that one day and then let him go to the fair. The problem is the conflict with your partner.

The main thing is to avoid these kinds of situations again.

Best of luck for you, your ds and your family. This is so tough on you all and there are no perfect answers.

Incidentally, I know two long term school refusers. One stayed out of school for most of secondary, did school work at home and smashed their GCSEs. Now going to sixth form full time and really happy. Another school refuser really struggled years 5-7, but got back on track from year 8. Parents had such a hard time, but I would consider them to be really empathetic, loving people who always listened to and supported their children.

Original poster
rumhamm · 08/05/2024 14:40

pyewatchet · 08/05/2024 14:34

Is his EBSA a case of 'can't' or 'won't'? I would bet given his likely diagnosis that it's 'can't' and no amount of bribery will change that. I'm happy to reward my AuDHD teen for doing something I know she found hard but I I could promise her the moon in a stick and she wouldn't be able to do certain things.

I recommend Can't not Won't by Eliza Fricker. amzn.eu/d/4U08pfl

I think it's a case of can't, but of course school (and my partner to an extent) thinks he wants to just sit around all day (you probably know, but the whole 'they're fine when they're at school' nonsense)

Thank you, I'll look at that

OP posts:
Original poster
rumhamm · 08/05/2024 14:42

DoAWheelie · 08/05/2024 14:36

You can't punish him into not struggling.

I have ADHD and having things to look forward to is the only way I cope with doing the hard bits of day to day life. Not in the sense that I bribe myself (if you do x you get y - I still get y even if I don't do x) but by keeping my mental health on track.

If I don't have stuff to look forward to I start getting depressed and that makes the day to day stuff much harder to cope with. If I was being told I was never allowed to have anything nice because I struggled it would only make me struggle harder.

Is your partner his dad?

I think this is how I was looking at it initially - like, focus on the thing you want to get you through school and you get some cash too! But obviously it didn't work.

Partner is not dad, but has been in his life for 8 years.

OP posts:
Singleandproud · 08/05/2024 14:44

Well I wouldn't be sending him to the fair at all they are utter death traps and a complete rip off, £5 per ride unless you go on guineapig night where it's £2 at our local one. I'd use the quite large amount of money towards a trip to Alton Towers, Thorpe Park or similar but anyway....

No I would not punish him for struggling. I would perhaps give him half as he managed half the days but I would not be changing the rules after the fact. You should lay out your expectations clearly and stick to them.

ineedtostopbeingdramaticfirst · 08/05/2024 14:51

Yeah I have a child with asd. I agree with others. I get it's frustrating but he's not doing this to annoy you.

I'd let him use his own money and the gift and I'd give him the £15 (as you have already said £30 for two days )
Going out with friends will hopefully have a positive impact on his mental health and maybe even help with accessing school

AlwaysGinPlease · 08/05/2024 14:52

So your partner is a thief and a bully? Nice.

PhuckyNell · 08/05/2024 15:00

I'm on the fence

my ds has autism

he also was/can be highly manipulative and didn't do
things he didn't deem necessary. It took me years to work this out - why didn't i notice that he was
capable of things he wanted to to do and incapable of the things he didn't?

things are better now - he's at an uni reading history at masters level. But. He's awful at time management,
has meltdowns regularly, yet manages to meet his girlfriend or get to football matches or the pub or whatever. So I have stepped back! He manages to pull it together when needs to and just and let's be honest isn't that what we all do to a certain extent?

back to the point - if he can manage things when it suits him (and I'm not saying sometimes it's difficult) then I wouldn't be giving any money for missing school

at the end of the day we all have to get by and some people have it harder than others I know. The end result is the same

good luck

edited to say your dh is a separate issue which I can't comment on

Foggymcfogson · 08/05/2024 15:05

Absolutely knew he wasn't his df... None of his business how much you give your ds then is it?

loropianalover · 08/05/2024 15:13

Tough one for you OP. In this case I’d give him half as he went to school one day, but in future I wouldn’t use money/bribing as an incentive for going to school.

I’d also take @PhuckyNell comment strongly into consideration. Support your son but be wide of him also, teens will always take a mile when you give an inch, no matter what!

Your partner is ultimately unreasonable. I imagine he is frustrated with your son and sees the impact the stress of it all has on you. It’s no excuse to be ignorant to the real issue which is your son’s disability.

purplecorkheart · 08/05/2024 15:15

How is your son's relationship with your partner in general?

I would give half as he only went in one day but bribing is probably going to be the wrong track to take with him.

YouAreLiveOnTelevisionPleaseDoNotSwear · 08/05/2024 18:52

I would do half.

Tel12 · 08/05/2024 18:55

School's overwhelming but the fair is ok? Sounds a bit selective.