I am so sad my child is finishing primary school

[abovethefold]

This is ridiculous, but I feel overwhelmingly sad that my child is in year 6. At the moment they’re really happy and confident, and I’m scared of the future for them. Everyone tells me teenagers are a nightmare, and of course I remember being a teen and how hard it was.

I’m also aware that I don’t know how to parent a teen - I’m not needed in the same way, and although I’m not a ‘natural’ mum (I found parenting quite hard all the way through!) I have never felt as helpless as I do now.

When I first became a mum I was in my early 30s and had a lot of confidence in myself (!) The last 11 years have knocked that out of me - Brexit, Covid, elderly parents, career stagnation, have all stopped me having faith in the world around us and also my ability to do anything useful in it.

How do I help by child with the secondary transition? How do I keep them safe from the internet, knife crime, heartbreak etc etc …?

I don’t know what I’m looking for really - books? Resources? Solidarity?

The same way you learned how to keep them safe and deal with the world when they were babies? Reading, talking to other parents, winging it?

Teens aren’t all that scary once you’re in it, it just feels like it when you’ve never done it before. You’ll be fine. Teens are actually heaps of fun.

Blimey OP - I feel exactly the same

They don't just suddenly wake up with 3 heads! Just approach it as you do now with new parental challenges. Teenagers need you more but in different ways. You'll be fine.

OP, I remember feeling sad when dd left primary school. I waa slightly dreading the teen years. In reality, it has been fine though... the teenage phase didn't turn out to be bad for us at all, and it has been an absolute privilege watching dc grow into the incredible young adult that she has now become.

My biggest tip is to respect your child's growing independence and to pick your battles. We have much less control over their lives as they get older, but we do still have a lot of influence if they perceive that we are reasonable and have their best interests at heart. Focus on nurturing the relationship above all else. It will be fine!

Hi OP, I recommend the book ‘get out of my life- but first take me and Alex into town’. It’s brilliant and really helps with this transitional age. My other suggestions are; be the house they hang out in if you can, means you always know a bit more about who’s who and what’s going on. Pick your battles- I learnt that from the book. Have some selective deafness to minor cheekiness- I know it’s unpopular on MN, but the ‘I’d never allow that in my house brigade’ are the ones whose kids have secret insta accounts and Snapchat their parents don’t know about in my experience. Be prepared for 9pm confessionals- that seems to be when all of the news of the day comes out for some reason! And don’t be judgemental. I’m sure you’re not, but some of the nicest kids are the ones whose dress sense you might find jarring- and conversely, the ‘perfect’ kid is usually anything but.

Like every other age- teenagers need and crave stability, a calm base, a consistent parent who is interested in them even when they’re playing up- and who has their own life and interests.

Good luck xxx

@FacingTheWall and @Bibbetybobbity have it right. It's no different to parenting at any other age - no one knows how to parent babies/toddlers/school age children until they actually do it. It's all a learning curve, teens are no different. In some ways they're a lot easier - independent, able to do a lot more for themselves and be left alone, giving you more freedom. I love my teens, they're smart, kind, funny, empathetic, with a little bit of sassiness thrown in. Don't sweat the small stuff, like tidy rooms, bedtime or diet too much. Pick your battles. For me it's safety. As long as I know where they are, who they're with, and that they're not wandering down dark alleys at midnight I'm happy. I'm lucky in that mine have always been able to talk to me about anything, we discuss social media, drugs, sex etc and I'm always available to listen. You'll be fine OP!

I can't wait for mine to finish 🫣

You aren't alone!

I feel the opposite to you OP! After 7 or so years of school run in rain, wind, horrid weather, twice a day, 1.5hrs walking per day in total for me, I am so ready for it to be over.

Year 6 has been a nightmare for us as my DS has developed anxiety and the teacher has not been in any way supportive. It has been hell. I can't wait for SATS to be over.

I think DS is very ready for secondary as well - will thrive there.

Turn it around and look at it as a positive opportunity. Plus if things get tough - you will find a way to deal with it. School is not the be and end all

That's how I feel I can't wait to never ever have to do the school run again it can't come quick enough for me 😂

I haven't found parenting teens terrible.

I'm not sure how upset I would have been though as youngest was Y6 when covid hit and missed out on many last events and lots of my own plans went awry. Older ones it wasn't much difference as still had youngest to pick up - and they were ready for more really and enjoyed seeing them independent. Don't missed time out of day walking and stood outside in all weathers waiting.

Thank you for the replies! It is reassuring that not all teens are difficult. I was a verrrrry difficult (ie unhappy) teen and I think part of what I’m going through is being reminded of how absolutely terrible it was for me.

@Bibbetybobbity thank you for the book recommendation - have just bought it

I can remember feeling like this OP.

I felt like you do thus time last year when DD finished Yr 6. She was going to a comleteky diffrent school to any of her primary friends and I had major anxiety about that plus how to parent a 12 Yr old.

I needn't have worried, she managed the school move brilliantly and is discovering so much about herself. I am loving going on this journey with her as she discovers more about herself. Yes she is spending more time with friends, as she should, but she still loves spending time with us and I make sure I give her undivided time every night to take an interest in to what is happening in her world.

I'm sure it won't all be as smooth but she is hilarious and males me laugh daily. I have loved all her stages and been sad with every milestone but I just try to enjoy the moment as much as possible.

I too was a very unhappy child and teen (anxiety + eating disorder until my 20s and caused mayhem and lots of heartache for my parebts). I have to remind myself that DD isn't me and her default setting is happy rather than sad. I know it's hard but try not to let your experience colour your child's experience

It felt like a huge transition when my children moved from primary to secondary, much huger than when they started school in the first place.
The hugeness, for me, was not really to do with any objective sense of greater risks for them. It was just a real point of letting go, of acknowledging that they were moving out of my orbit to a point where they would inevitably have problems, challenges, triumphs, joys that I would be unaware of and/or unable to help with.

And of course they were moving into a phase of life that I still had vivid and detailed memories of in my own life. My primary school years just felt like a distant dream, but secondary school still had a taste of living drama for me. It still seemed like such a large part of my history and who I was. So it was strange to see it beginning for my children.

Just wait till your child leaves secondary school OP, in what will feel like five minutes from now. What? Over already? But it just began!! - that massive epoch in my own childhood over and done for my own child before I had got used to it beginning!

I was quite emotional when DS2 left year 6. A lot of his junior school life was blighted by covid and it felt too soon to be moving on. Yet he was ready. Despite my worries he has thrived at secondary school and other than the odd "Kevin" moment is a good kid. My youngest is in juniors still and I know I will be gutted when he leaves as it will be the end of an era. But I will tell myself it's a privilege to see him growing up. I know a couple of parents who were sadly denied that and it makes me think. But they are our babies and it's natural to feel out of sorts about them needing us less as time goes by and going to secondary school is a big milestone in that process.

Wow OP I could have written your post, I feel exactly the same. Watching for advice...

I also could’ve written your post OP, following all this lovely advice with interest 😊

Yes! DD is in year 10 I honestly can’t believe it! Where did those years go?

To be fair - I was fine with DD1 going up to secondary in September but she's very scornful of people's nonsense and got her head screwed on well... DD2 goes up this year and I'm bricking it - it's the combination of SEN and her sheer vulnerability because of that - I'm fairly sure we've got a good choice of school and her sister's there - but still she's going to get so anxious about detentions and timetables and stuff.

The other thing is that she has NEVER had a proper ending to a transition point - she ended up in hospital with pneumonia seriously ill when she was due to leave nursery; her transition from the infant school was blocked because of Covid... so this is the first big milestone change that'll be properly managed for her.

DD1 is shaping up to be a combination of an absolute sod of a teen and also the most lovely, funny, wise young lady - so hopefully her sister will follow suit when she finally realises that Pokemon Master is NOT a possible career move.

I couldn't feel more differently. I'll be so glad when primary is over. Definitely had enough. No more school run! much more independence. She's ready for the next step and has been for about a year.

I was made up when primary was done….14 years I did it for 🙄….li was even more made up when high school was done..no more uniform to iron ever

I am dreading it in a few years time, but friends tell me it becomes clear in year 6 that it is time for them to move on. I believe it, because I had that experience with my son starting primary school - it became clear in his last year of nursery that he had outgrown it and needed new challenges. I am hoping I will feel the same about secondary school when the time comes 😬.

Just wait till your child leaves secondary school OP, in what will feel like five minutes from now. What? Over already? But it just began!! - that massive epoch in my own childhood over and done for my own child before I had got used to it beginning!

Yes, my youngest leaves this year! It doesn't seem a minute! But honestly, I'll be glad to be out of the whole school thing and the many stresses, rules and regulations it brings. More than ready for the next phase in life now.