Is it an absolute guarantee that your marriage will suffer after kids or do people just like scaring others?

[Firsttimemama98]

I’m a FTM to be, with our much wanted rainbow baby on board.

I know we probably have no idea what’s in store and how tired/frazzled we’ll be, but is it an absolute given that we will argue to the point of disliking each other?

I’m fully braced to be miserable and fed up as it seems most people are on here - really hoping that it’s actually possible to love having a little baby and adore your new family unit.

What are your tips for staying close to your other half in the postpartum/early parenting period? If it matters, we have lots of support and family living nearby, and this baby will likely be our only child as we want to give our focus to them.

I don’t know if the people who report kids testing their marriage are the ones who don’t have much help from family/have two young children in quick succession… I suppose it also depends a lot on the temperament of your baby and how you are personality-wise anyway.

I’m naive right now having not experienced it yet so would love to hear any experiences or advice (positive is all the better!)

Sexy underwear is key, according to another thread on here today.

DS1 woke every 45 minute from 3 months until about 11 months. Sleep deprivation of that nature is banned under international law as torture.

BUT we came through and it did (cheesy but true) make us stronger in the end. But I can see how any additional strain of any sort at that moment would have broken us.

Our marriage initially suffered. It took a probably until the youngest was 5 to recover but now we are better than ever. It's different but we are happy and secure and stable

We had 2 , our marriage hasn’t suffered but I have only ever worked very PT and am perfectly happy on a few hours sleep . I also have the world’s most supportive husband .

In my experience becoming parents did push us apart but once we were through the early days it has also pulled us back closer than we were. We then had a big age gap and when we had dd2 5 years later, it didn't feel that things got as rough as with dd1.

It is cliche but communication is key. Some of our biggest rows were over dh planning to do something at the weekend, eg tackling a garden project, and me feeling like that meant I was tied to dd for yet another groundhog day. Some forward planning would have helped both of us!

We didn't find that to be the case. Husband worked long hours. No family nearby (mine abroad). But we soldiered on through the exhaustion and then reaped the rewards. Our relationship got stronger. I'm not saying there weren't tears and tiredness but just that we got through it and supported each other when the other was in a low/bad stage.

Fortunately my DH has always taken on appropriate levels of chores and cooking (I am not saying helped out because he never considered it to be my job, just that we settled into things he did and things I did). People were often aghast that even when I was at home that he came home and cooked dinner (and still does!)

Hi Op, in the same boat as you, currently 18 weeks with a 🌈. I am staying open minded to how it will be, I’m fortunate that all my friends are very positive about being parents and seem to genuinely love it. But I’ve also realised how important it is to communicate as a couple, remember both of you will have a lot to learn, and try and be on the same page. We’ve discussed making sure we do things as a couple once we can leave baby, even just a coffee out, and we’re lucky to have family nearby, as well as making sure we each have time for our own interests and friends. We’ve been together 13 years so will be a big adjustment !

Expect it to suffer. That means both of you should expect it and make the effort to think 'I don't hate him/her we are both exhausted and suddenly encountering the basic inequality of rearing a young child' instead of 'omg I married a monster'. It's not a surefire end of the relationship but it's better to expect difficulty so you can give each other the benefit of the doubt. If you don't experience difficulty even though you expected it - great.

It's not a guarantee of problems. You may find in the early, very disrupted stages you will have the worst arguments you have ever had because you are exhausted and adjusting to a massive change, but as long as you can both look at it when you've calmed down and go 'OK, that was because we are exhausted and adjusting' and move on, that's not a marriage ender.

Of course, you can have real, awful arguments at that stage as well but I think you can generally recognise if it's just early day wobbles (eg, it is like no other argument you've ever had and unrelated to any other part of your relationship) or indicative of a wider problem (eg if harks back to pre-child issues).

Our marriage didn't suffer, though we did have a couple of early-day blow-ups with our first, but we were fortunate to have fairly good sleepers and I think it helped that my husband has much younger sibling, born in his teens, so he perhaps had a better idea of what newborns were like than I did.

IMO, it would be an outright lie to say it doesn't have an impact on your marriage... With some it will be worse than others...

You have this new little baby human to care for, who doesn't stop whingeing and wanting their own way, and keeps pooping and whining, and is grizzly and grumpy. (Oh wait that's DH!) 😆

Kidding! Yeah, it's hard work at the start, and you are tired and crabby and stressed quite a lot, and your time is not your own, and it takes some time to adjust. After so many years as just the two of you, this baby human takes over your life. (AND your marriage!)

But it doesn't take too long to adapt/adjust (about 5-6 months with us,) and the rewards are immeasurable! We have 2 not so baby humans now - 2 daughters in their 20s, and they are our LIFE. Best decision ever, having babies! Love them so much!

Good luck @Firsttimemama98

Ours didn't suffer at all.

It all depends on your baby. To be honest you will have less time and energy for everything and it’s in part except that this is the new normal but it gets better.

The book how not to hate your husband after kids is helpful for you both to read.

I suggest getting off MN - this site is the most anti-children place on the internet. To have a child is to categorically destroy your life, according to most on here. Delete the app and enjoy your baby.

And I say this as a child-free woman.

It's not guaranteed, no. It IS hard and it will absolutely test you both, but if you're strong in the first place you'll be fine. Communication is key and try not to fall into the competitive tiredness trap because you'll just piss each other off. Accept that you'll both be tired, stressed and a bit overwhelmed sometimes. I was a complete control freak with my first and it was hard for DH because I was a bit of an arse to be honest. But we went on to have another and we're 23 years together now with two amazing, almost adult children. All the stresses and worry are totally worth it in the end for most people.

I actually agree with this. It made me worry more over the years. I've also had some amazing advice too though.

Emotionally having young children didn't damage out relationship.

In actual fact, having a very very poorly baby who had significant issues for 18 months and still has some mild disability, and then four years later, just as life was settling down, twins born a few months before lockdown hit, has made us stronger.

But against popular opinion I think one thing that helped is ours was a fairly quick relationship - meeting to marriage to first baby born in under 4 years. We both were pretty independent and used to not being together every day for years on end. Sleeping apart for months wasn't great but it was fine. Our lives weren't set in any heavy routine because I worked funny hours and weekends.

If parents disliked each other after having a baby, they wouldn’t go on to have more children and often with small age gaps.

I think the issue is when the childcare and housework etc isn’t shared. Other issues can be if you haven’t already had time to do plenty of things you want, such as reaching a certain level in your career or going travelling etc, because young children and lack of spontaneity can impact that (especially if your child has a disability).

Yes you will both be tired but you adjust to that and often the new normal is a better normal.

After our first son was born our marriage suffered quite badly….sleep deprivation caused such arguments and we were constantly picking at each other. We just always seemed pissed off at each other and annoyed by each other. Constant sniping and always being angry.

When the baby was about 5 months old I took him and went to stay with my mom for about ten days because it was just unbearable being at home. My husband was so upset.

When I went back though and we had a honest talk with each other about why we were acting the way we were towards each other we came up with a plan to overcome the difficulties and within a month or so we were back to normal.

But yes, those first few months put a huge strain on our marriage.

Marriages that don’t suffer (be it short term or long term) by the arrival of a baby are definitely in the minority!!

I think you and your partner need to be prepared for this happening and agree to always be honest with each other about how you are feeling.

Nah not guaranteed. Hopefully you’ve got a good solid relationship, otherwise you wouldn’t be having kids I’d have thought. The baby and toddler years are SO short (the days are long, indeed).

If a relationship is already strained a baby will make it worse. Mine didn't suffer even after 3 kids. Communication is key.

When you feel tired, grouchy or touched out try to blame the baby not each other, this definitely helped DH and I feel like we were a team working together to solve the "problem" of having a baby rather than either of us feeling like the other had put the baby on a pedestal to the detriment of one another.

So if she was crying and wouldn't settle for DH I would take over and offer boob but talk about how unreasonable she was and basically a dictator. If I had had a rough day when DH was at work he'd take her when he got in and "lecture" her about being "nice" for mummy next time.

None of this was done in a horrible way, we were very jokey about it but it just helped reframe things that it was the fact we'd got a baby that things were hard, not that one or the other of us was failing in any way.

I thought our marriage was strong and we had support.

But competitive tiredness was awful. He just didn’t get how relentless it was. It didn’t help the dc1 was a difficult birth a d she didn’t feed or sleep well. 30 mins at a time. The exhaustion was on another level.

What would’ve helped was communication. And the acceptance that for a short time you don’t have time for each other.

Ex struggled with the lack of attention and looked elsewhere.

My marriage didn't suffer from having a baby. Instead, having a baby revealed how much DH cared for me and how much I loved him. Seeing his delight in being with our DD, his gentleness with her, his joy in making her smile - melted my heart.

And when I was low with sleep deprivation and exhausted he took up the extra household load. He cooked, he cleaned, he held me. He stayed up late and got up early to give me as much sleep as possible.

And whilst I was healing from child birth we were still physically affectionate. Cuddles, kisses, hand holding. I never felt like DD pulled us away from being a couple.

You know what I honestly think helped our mindset going in was that through our faith we strongly believe that love is sacrificial, faithful, compassionate and enduring. All of those qualities can only be experienced in difficult times. So we expect that hard times will come and are prepared to be even more loving in those times.

I know that's preachy but I think inadvertently many people (especially men - sorry) think that being in love equals constant happiness. And when unhappiness comes they blame their partner and pull away, get a little selfish. It's a self sabotaging move and shows up a lot when couples face difficult times.

I suggest getting off MN - this site is the most anti-children place on the internet

There is some truth to this.

Biggest issue of contention was extended family - after a while much more his parents who massively tried to over step boundaries and he'd agree plan then back track in front of them - some of that was learning how to deal with being stream rolled and getting boundaries in place.

I don't think saying marriage will suffer is quite right - your marriage/partnership will change for certain! Both people are new parents, responsible for another human being and the weight of that responsibility can be an enormous hit that they don't cope with very well. Some cope great. But you will always hear worst case stories over good, it's human nature.
It's certainly not guaranteed to make your relationship suffer though xxx
Congratulations on your pregnancy and sending you the best wishes 💐♥️