Is it an absolute guarantee that your marriage will suffer after kids or do people just like scaring others?

[Firsttimemama98]

I’m a FTM to be, with our much wanted rainbow baby on board.

I know we probably have no idea what’s in store and how tired/frazzled we’ll be, but is it an absolute given that we will argue to the point of disliking each other?

I’m fully braced to be miserable and fed up as it seems most people are on here - really hoping that it’s actually possible to love having a little baby and adore your new family unit.

What are your tips for staying close to your other half in the postpartum/early parenting period? If it matters, we have lots of support and family living nearby, and this baby will likely be our only child as we want to give our focus to them.

I don’t know if the people who report kids testing their marriage are the ones who don’t have much help from family/have two young children in quick succession… I suppose it also depends a lot on the temperament of your baby and how you are personality-wise anyway.

I’m naive right now having not experienced it yet so would love to hear any experiences or advice (positive is all the better!)

Your life together certainly changes....

How is your relationship right now??
Is it's good? Any underlying resentment?
Both pull your weight etc?
If there are some of those they may be exacerbated by having a baby.
I've found couples 'having competitions' re how tired one of them is and arguing about this.......when you're both tired. Partners not being supportive.

I found having a newborn lovely! She woke every hour and a half and cluster fed a lot. But when I saw her little face I couldn't get worked up about it.
My husband was the same.
We worked well as a team and it was a really happy time.
We had been together 16 years, married for 5 years and ttc for 3 years and we were ready for the change from just us 2 to our little trio.

I constantly had people telling me that I'd be wondering what we had done (aka why did we have a child) the negative sides of having a newborn.

Of course everyone has disagreements and get on each others nerves!
Our daughter is nearly 5 and it's such a joy!

If.you have plenty of money, probably not.

If you don't have enough money, probably.

I think it's the sleep deprivation that is the hardest to deal with in a relationship once a baby comes along. In most cases the mother would be the one that does most of the night waking /feeding etc. If they baby isn't a great sleeper, this can build resentment. Especially if the husband doesn't wake and doesn't take a share of the night wake ups. Obv harder to do it the mother is breastfeeding. Over time this can cause issues. The mother gets fed up of the exhaustion and becomes resentful of the husband getting to sleep peacefully every night. Sometimes the husband will decide that work is too important so will go sleep in the spare room, building further resentment/ distance etc.

Sometimes the husband decides that their work is harder than the wife being at home all day with the baby and wants to rest when they get in. They might also expect the house to be tidy and dinner made because the wife has been home all day just looking after the baby.... This can cause arguments/more resentments.

When it comes to weekends the husband may decide that it's his time for lie ins, leaving the wife to get up with the baby 7 days a week.

Then there is the intimacy issue. When the mother is barely sleeping, the thought of sex is last of her priorities or wants. The husband sometimes doesn't understand this and feels pushed out by the wife and more issues are created ....

These tend to be the main issues that couples go though when having a baby that may result in the end of their relationship.

Communication is key - as obvious as that sounds, it’s really easy not to communicate when you’re walking zombies.

We are six weeks in with our beautiful rainbow baby. DH is brilliant with her, but he feels he misses out because he’s at work, I feel I’m missing out because I’m stuck at home. Don’t get me wrong, I love her to pieces and she’s the best thing that’s her happened to us, but I feel lost. I am used to working 2 jobs 80 or so hours a week, so this is very weird for me. I don’t like day time tv 😂.

For us it works that I do the nights Sunday - Thursday and DH does the weekends, but he will absolutely get up if I need anything. When she woke last night I was desperate for a wee and he got up for a wee, so then he changed her while I had a wee then he went back to bed. I’d definitely resent him if I didn’t feel like I could ask for help, he was up less than 10 minutes and then back to snoring again.

try and make time for each other. When we lost our baby last year, I went a bit mental booking things to look forward to, well that spanned into 2025 so we had a theatre show with friends on Saturday and me and DH have a date night to the theatre tonight. We are lucky that my mum/dad and my sister are down the road and They want to help and be involved, leaving her was terrifying but for an or so I felt like me again (the first 2 hours was tough, I paid no attention to the show!).

I found it really hard those first two weeks to feel like I was any good. Physically I was really struggling and I felt like all I could do was feed, I couldn’t get down to change nappies or dress her. He never once complained.

Have a discussion about visitors before hand and then keep that communication open when baby is here. DH is very sociable, I like my little bubble. I knew he’d want the world round and I didn’t want to piss on that. But we had a good compromise that worked well for us and most people have met her now.

We still try to watch our programmes together in the evening usually on pause because little ones witching hours are then! But we do try.

In contrast to another post, I haven’t got dressed up for bed 😂 Fuck that for a game of soldiers. Hopefully your partner understands that for a few weeks (at least) you wouldn’t even be able to comprehend sex let alone want it. I’m 6 weeks in and just starting to think about it, DH hasn’t mentioned it once other than in a jokey way about having another baby. And yes, he is just messing about. We both know the first time is going to be an absolute shambles 😂

If you are in a position that your wages will at some point drop to SMP, sort your finances now, try and save to cover the gaps in those months. We couldn’t because our stairs came away from the wall so we spent the money fixing them. I’ve spent a few weeks so in my own head stressing about money from July that it completely took over and ran me into the ground. (I am someone that goes 0-100 on the worst case scenario, always have been sadly).

Try and go with the flow, communicate and try and make a bit of time for each other. Even if it’s just sitting and crying together when baby won’t sleep 😂. Buy each other their favourite chocolate when you pop to the shops. Say I love you. Cuddle in the kitchen when you’re crying, you’re having a night sweat so you’re just in your pants and your tits are leaking all over the kitchen floor - that will eventually turn to laughter when you both realise the ridiculousness of the situation. Reach out. If you can, plan in a date night away from little one - obviously this is easier if you are formula or combi feeding. I am combi feeding, partly by choice, partly because that’s what our little one needs, everyone’s different.

Have people you can reach out to, MN will have you thinking every man is cheating, hiding money, a physco and having kids is the worst thing you can do. So whilst here is a good read and community at times, take it with a pinch of salt.

Get out of the house, go for little walks - but don’t over do it when you think you feel better, your body will remind you that you’re not healed and floor you.

Sorry this is way longer than I intended, but it’s raw for me right now. I cried on Saturday because I thought we were drifting, we aren’t at all, but I was in an irrational place. We had a heart to heart and both agreed it’s communication, he isn’t a mind reader and needs me to tell him if I need something (I don’t mean telling him what to do, but if I’m feeling a certain way or I need him to take her so I can do XYZ, actually just tell him rather than get annoyed he didn’t know I wanted that, when I look cosy with her. He has a fair point 😂).

He’s my rock, we’ve been together 10 years this year, married 3. You’ll be fine, I think the relationships that genuinely break after kids, are ones that had cracks already that people didn’t notice. Or there’s a huge financial impact.

My marriage got through the difficult years.

My husband is supportive and wanted to be actively involved. With our first he took 2 weeks paternity and 4 weeks annual leave to be there as much as he could in the beginning. My first was mainly bottle-fed so my husband took an active role in the night feeds. Our son was also a great sleeper. My husband would do the 10pm and 2am feeds and I would pick up the early morning feeds so basically getting a good night sleep.

For my second she was breastfed so things were rougher on me. She woke hourly for feeds and I definitely spend my maternity exhausted. My husband took 4 weeks off this time off to help out. Daughter refused a bottle so my husband couldn't help with feeding. I was accepting of this and just got on with it. He helped in other ways, cleaning up etc. Also not expecting dinner but happy if it was there.

It helped a lot that my husband is a great father and wanted to be there for me and the children. Some husbands aren't that supportive, and I think that's where the issues start.

Our marriage was under great pressure after our rainbow baby was born. We'd both built up having a living baby as being some sort of dream time. While it was certainly better than the alternative, they were a very high needs, non-sleeping, screaming all the time baby. It was DH's third child and his first was apparently the most placid laid-back portable baby in history so his expectations were pretty unrealistic.

Resentment is the marriage destructor. We hyper aware if you are starting to feel resentful and act to change things. The cause can be lots of things ( non sleeping baby, chore division) but the results can chip and chip away at a relationships.

People rarely tell you if things are fine or great. You hear a lot from those that aren’t happy.

I wouldn't say our marriage suffered as such because I think the testing times and recovering from those actually solidify and strengthen our marriage in the long term.

But it does put a strain/tension on things in the early days. I'd say it's for the first year of both my baby's lives, after that things have settled down. And tbh we were expecting that to be the case so I think that helped, having realistic expectations of parenthood. Our first DC cried constantly for about the first year which was awful but at least we were expecting it. Second DC easier temperament but also cried a lot between 4 and 9 months and didn't sleep through the night until 16 months, plus obviously had another child to care for (who at 3 suddenly started night waking most nights for the first 3-4 months after DC2 was born).

We also as you say had very little practical support from anyone else with DC1 and almost zero with DC2. I have friends around who have regular babysitting from family to have dates with their DP, and friends whose DPs even did night feeds and stayed over at their houses often in the early months so they could sleep through! Of course we'd never expect anything like that but I imagine it would all have been much easier and less stressful between us if we had regular breaks like that to sleep and be together, but we didnt.

Still, we got through it and I'm pregnant with our third so it hasn't put us off!

What helps is working as a team, I see so many fathers who absolutely don't pull their weight which has never been a concern here as my DP is a great dad and husband. Low expectations. Letting go of the housework and prioritising sleep.

We have two, our relationship didn’t suffer with either but we’d only been together for a year when DD was born so we barely have any pre-child relationship time to compare it to! We are both easy going homebodies which helps, and neither of ours were nightmare sleepers which is obviously just luck of the draw

In my experience the issues can arise when there are unspoken expectations. I knew one woman who just assumed her DH would step up and do more around the house and generally pull his weight more and it didn't happen. He carried on just like before. She had just assumed he would make this change and never discussed it with him.

Personally, children brought us closer and made our relationship better.
We were very happy before but had quite seperate lives even though we lived together. We worked in very different areas and had a lot of seperate friends and interests, all of which we enjoyed. We just had more life outside of the relationship than we did within it.
But when we had children, we had a lot more in common then we had before and we felt much more like a couple and a family than two individuals who were dating. We are very similar in terms of parenting style so it was nice to have so much more in common than we used to and more of our lives to share.

We were lucky as well to have relatively easy babies and children which definitely helped.

I would be wary of assuming family support is the answer to avoiding this as you imply in your OP.

There are so many threads from people struggling with extended family issues.

Of course it is helpful if family can babysit so you can have the odd date night but equally family can also drive you apart if you don't agree on the level of involvement they have.

I see a lot of posters on here have basically their mum as the second primary caregiver over their DH which is fine if it works for you but sometimes means the marriage is less strong.

I think DH and I are a stronger couple because we do without family support actually.

I would make sure you discuss and agree ahead of time boundaries with your family

We grew closer during my pregnancy and first baby. I stopped being superwoman and insisted he helped out more. He's been a hands on Dad since day 1.
Our sex life dwindled quite a bit after the birth, I struggled to feel sexy and be Mummy. It took a good few years but now it's better than ever.

Our marriage didn't suffer. But dd was a very chilled and happy baby. I'd also had lots of experience with babies through family and with so knew what to expect practically.
As dd has got older we're super close as a family of 3, and dd is the biggest joy in our lives.

Same with us. Appreciate we were very lucky with her.
We both equally did the work, my husband went back to work after the 2 weeks paternity so i did night feed but he did the final feed before bed so i could be be drifting off and he'd do the breakfast feed before work so i could get a shower.
We'd both do household chores, e.g. he'd chop the meal bits while i looked after her then i'd cook it while he looked after her. He'd do evening nappies as i'd done the daytime for example. Things like that help.

Our marriage didn't suffer, but then dh always wanted children and was a fantastic, hands-on, at least 50-50 dad. He was also mature enough to understand that parenting was full-on and would dominate our lives for many years and he was 100% onboard with that.

Almost 4 decades later, the children are adults and we're happily retired together and still best friends and lovers. It can happen--with the right man.

Don’t forget, OP, that people who find things relatively easy don’t tend to post about them. Those with moans (about babies, toddlers, teens, husbands, partners) post about them rather more.

FWIW our two didn’t damage our relationship at all. I was a bit worried about dh when first pregnant, since he didn’t seem to be terribly interested - certainly nothing like as excited as I was - but he’s always been a fantastic dad, and now a lovely grandpa, too.

He never helped much when they were very little though - purely because at the time he was working very long hours and a 6 day week.

My opinion is that looking after babies when one party is on maternity leave is a doddle compared to combining looking after preschoolers with work and then an absolute piece of piss compared to balancing stroppy teenagers/full time work/ageing, disabled and demanding parents.
The last of these three stages has tested our marriage far more than the baby stage. Having a baby will intensify any issues in your marriage but at least while you are on maternity leave you only have the one thing to think about.
you will have ups and downs however if you are prepared to put the hard work in as a team and remember that the other person is also just human you just get through it.

Our didn’t suffer at all.

Might be worth discussing expectations before baby arrives and then regularly make sure you tell your partner how to support you once the baby is here e.g. he can: take baby for a walk in the pushchair so you can shower, make you a sandwich while you’re cluster feeding etc. Your self care is vital.

Nearly split up when our first was a toddler, the change to our lives and the sleep deprivation coupled with double PND almost destroyed us. But we made it through.

honestly our marriage is different but better. We don't spend as much time going out, don't have sex quite as much (usually a couple of times a week) but honestly i love him more than i ever did. I watch him playing with our daughter and my heart just bursts with pride that he is mine. he's not just my best friend or my lover but the father of my child(ren). we built this incredible life together and it's not one that's always been easy but no matter what has happened we've faced it together - miscarriages, hospitalisations, births, the arrival of our daughter, finding out we are pregnant. he is so kind and patient with me during my mood swings, he keeps me grounded when i am in a spin, he makes me feel beautiful and sexy each and every day even when i don't feel it.

I think the big things are communication and just thinking about each other. always trying to be considerate of each other, it's not a competition, you are a team and you work together.

We also recognise that we are both human and wanting a bit of time apart doesn't mean we don't love each other. just being able to say "look i am tired, i am touched out and i need a break for an hour can you handle the baby" or having some time out with friends or family is so important.

Being able to tell each other you're upset or angry or anxious about something without it escalating into a fight or fearing being judged is absolutely key. whenever there is something wrong you sit down and discuss it. you don't dismiss it, you don't argue you just communicate and find the answer together.

finally recognise the first few months are gonna be hard and you aren't perfect. you are likely to snipe or snap. be forgiving. understand they are exhausted too and they don't really mean it. don't take it personally.

Imo it depends on how much problems and how much resources you’ve got. If you have financial problems and health issues against limited resources it’s much tougher. Plus how is your DH ‘s attitude. Mine was very supportive and hands on but still there were a lot of problems mainly due to DD’s disability and no support so it’s very difficult.
We are still married, but it’s tough.

Our marriage is different but not worse. We have less sex, but I absolutely love seeing him as a father and truly adore how wonderful he is with our daughter so that evens things out! He does pull his weight which helps.