To not have several parties to please everyone

[Conorandgregg]

It’s coming up to my baby’s first birthday and we have planned a garden day with a bbq for all friends and family to join us.
MIL and FIL are divorced and will not be in the same room as each other. It’s all very childish, they expect their children to pick sides and it’s all quite uncomfortable.
We have invited them both as it’s their grandchild’s birthday, but with no obligation to come.
MIL has demanded we go to her house for a separate party where she will have a cake and balloons etc.
MIL mum, aunt, sisters have also demanded we visit all of their houses individually for cake and presents.
Ive told DP that I don’t want that to happen, it’s one party for all and if she doesn’t want to come then it’s her problem, same for other relatives.
I have an older child who had 2 parties every year as her dad and I split when she was a toddler. It wasn’t fair or enjoyable for her and I don’t want to put my baby through the same thing over childish issues with the in laws.
So do I stand my ground and say no to other parties or agree to MIL demands?

Stand your ground!!!!!

100%.

Even though I don't think you should have a first birthday party.

Invite FIL from say 12-2, and MIL from 3-5.

100%

Yes, this. And stand your ground or you'll end up giving in every year.

Tell them to get fucked! You know, it isn’t really difficult to say “ This is what’s happening. Your rsvp is expected by x date”. And don’t give it another thought. Because life does still go on. you are allowed to make arrangements that suit you because … well, because you want to.

And, I would send an invitation to whoever has proven to be the most reasonable which doesn’t sound like Mil and her witches. I hope your DH has a good spine on him.

Stand your ground.
Let them know when and where the party is happening - the onus is on them as to whether or not they want to come.
Don’t be giving in now as you’ll be setting yourself up for a lifetime of bowing to their demands.

Definitely stand your ground or there will be a lifetime of demands.

one party they are all invited if they come great if they don’t then , it’s their loss.

do what best for you and your own little family.

This is a great idea! Do this, and they can come or not, don’t get involved in multiple parties all over the place it sounds ridiculous and if you don’t stand your ground now it’ll grow more and more because you’ll have let them set a precedent.

Decline all other suggestions, stick to your plans.

I have divorced il and we have always been sensitive about it but for events where there will be a large group of people (wedding, big party etc) we invited them both and let them make the choice. They invariably both came and acted like grown ups on the whole.

so I would start as you mean to go on. Send the invite. Tell them there are enough people there that they don’t need to talk to each other and that you’re not doing multiple events

This is effectively two parties, though - unlikely a one year old’s party would keep going for 5 hours (and would mean trying to get a nap in between the two)

Depends what happened between MIL and FIL.

Was there domestic violence, abuse, traumatic stuff?

Good for you!
They either put their differences aside or agree to come at different time.
It's their issue not yours.

Say no - start as you mean to go on etc.

A one year old won’t even know what is going on, point A.

My parents were divorced and I spent many childhood events, christmases etc pretending I wasn’t doing another event / not mentioning presents and activities.

So where will this go exactly in future - Christmas yourself, with fil, with mil, with your family? And birthdays? Nightmare.

Agree you should stand your ground!

No way!
Stand your grounds!

MIL mum, aunt, sisters have also demanded we visit all of their houses individually for cake and presents.

How was this phrased? Have they demanded, or have they invited you for some cake and to hand over presents? Is it because they can't make the party, or because they refuse to attend? This is presumably your baby's great grandma, great great aunt(is that the right relation??), and great aunt? If my child's great grandmother couldn't attend a party, I'd be more than happy to go over to her house as an alternative. But I appreciate that does depend on the situation, how it was phrased etc.

As for MIL and FIL - absolutely not. One party, and they can grow up or you'll be doing it for years. Unless there was abuse involved in their relationship.

How has xmas worked?

You need to put your foot down now or it will be like this every single year.

All I can say is...whatever you do for the first birthday will carry on for all the birthdays for all the grandchildren in the future. Stand firm OP.

Start as you mean to go on. Live your life centered around what is best for your family. So that's you, DH, DC. Everyone else is second (or third) tier. Visit these others whenever you would normally have visited them, if that's never, that's fine too. If they want to hold back the birthday present until the visit that's up to them. Don't be manipulated into a visit you wouldn't otherwise make by the promise of birthday gifts though. These people are lazy to not visit you and come to the party, you don't have to run round after lazy people. They're also toxic, because they want you to go to them to enable them to be center of attention at DC party by ensuring they're the only guest. Don't get the next generation, your DC, caught up in this toxicity. Be the one to break the chain.

Oh I think I maybe misread the "MIL mum aunt and sisters" bit as being your MIL's mum, aunt and sisters. Rather than your MIL, mum, aunt, and sister.
My point stands about being happy to see people if they simply can't attend the party though

MIL mum, aunt, sisters have also demanded we visit all of their houses individually for cake and presents.

Why?????

Say no and let your Dp facilitate this nonsense

Thanks everyone I really appreciate all the replies, it’s given me the push I needed to stick to my guns and say no!
FIL agreed to keep his distance to still attend the party but MIL had a tantrum and outright refused. Her mum and sister have refused to come because FIL will be there. They’re arguing that they have every right to see my baby on his birthday, yet they’re the ones making it difficult unnecessarily.
They divorced because MIL was abusive and manipulative (if you can’t tell!) and FIL met someone else.
We tend to keep our distance in general and rarely invite them over, we didn’t see them over Christmas as they both went abroad (separately) so this is the first event since the divorce.

It was worded as ‘we expect you to come to our houses on his birthday so we can see him because FIL will be at your house so we can’t come’. We haven’t responded.