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Original poster

To not have several parties to please everyone

43 replies

Conorandgregg · 06/05/2024 10:19

It’s coming up to my baby’s first birthday and we have planned a garden day with a bbq for all friends and family to join us.
MIL and FIL are divorced and will not be in the same room as each other. It’s all very childish, they expect their children to pick sides and it’s all quite uncomfortable.
We have invited them both as it’s their grandchild’s birthday, but with no obligation to come.
MIL has demanded we go to her house for a separate party where she will have a cake and balloons etc.
MIL mum, aunt, sisters have also demanded we visit all of their houses individually for cake and presents.
Ive told DP that I don’t want that to happen, it’s one party for all and if she doesn’t want to come then it’s her problem, same for other relatives.
I have an older child who had 2 parties every year as her dad and I split when she was a toddler. It wasn’t fair or enjoyable for her and I don’t want to put my baby through the same thing over childish issues with the in laws.
So do I stand my ground and say no to other parties or agree to MIL demands?

OP posts:

TruthorDie · 06/05/2024 13:33

This sounds very annoying and hard work. Good on you for sticking to your guns and not letting it become a thing now or for future birthdays. They need to all grow up, it’s all rather pathetic

Bruisername · 06/05/2024 13:38

Conorandgregg · 06/05/2024 13:33

It was worded as ‘we expect you to come to our houses on his birthday so we can see him because FIL will be at your house so we can’t come’. We haven’t responded.

Stand your ground. You don’t need all that drama in your life!

Santasbigredbobblehat · 06/05/2024 13:40

Start as you mean to go on.

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Families

BendingSpoons · 06/05/2024 13:46

Insisting it is on DCs birthday is ridiculous. I'd probably happily go round another day for cake but not when it is a demand for the actual birthday. My reply would be 'we're having DCs party at ours on Saturday so won't be able to come round then. Would love to do cake the following weekend if you are free then?'

LifeExperience · 06/05/2024 14:08

I had exactly the same situation with dh's mum. If your MIL loves her feelings more than she loves her granddaughter that is on her, not you. I am a grandmother and I would be at my grandchild's party even if Satan himself was going to attend. Firm boundaries, which means one party with everyone invited, is the only sane way to go.

Talkamongstyourselves · 06/05/2024 15:32

Conorandgregg · 06/05/2024 13:33

It was worded as ‘we expect you to come to our houses on his birthday so we can see him because FIL will be at your house so we can’t come’. We haven’t responded.

My reply to that message would be

"It is not for you to expect me to do anything to facilitate your childish behaviour on the basis that for just a few hours on (child's name) first birthday, you cannot act like adults. There will be 1 party, you either see him there or not at all, your choice".

Stand your ground because if you give in once then there will be no end to it.

thing47 · 06/05/2024 15:49

Conorandgregg · 06/05/2024 13:33

It was worded as ‘we expect you to come to our houses on his birthday so we can see him because FIL will be at your house so we can’t come’. We haven’t responded.

'We're not going to be doing that. The party will be at our house on his birthday and you are all welcome to come. If you don't want to do that, we can try to organise something else with you for another day.'

Maddy70 · 06/05/2024 15:52

My family dynamic was similar.

You need to set the boundary now.

1 party. All invited. If you can't be civil for the sake of the grandchild then dont come

No extra parties. Its devaluing them

FloofyBear · 06/05/2024 15:55

Yep, stick to your guns ... otherwise their crazy demands will increase - your baby, your choice of birthday party
Enjoy ☺️... oh I'd also tell them different times to allow some separate space

SilverGlitterBaubles · 06/05/2024 15:56

How about you do something as a family maybe just have a nice day out and tell them all to sod off. There are 365 days in the year for ILs and extended family to visit and a one year old is not going to know it's their birthday anyway.

DelphiniumBlue · 06/05/2024 16:03

I'd go for 2 parties if Mil is hosting one of them, but not on the same day. And they can fuck off with the "we expect..".

hedgehoglurker · 06/05/2024 16:06

What does your partner think, as I can't see that you've mentioned him? Can he pop round to his mum's with the baby in the morning for an hour, or visit her the next day? I wouldn't even consider all.of the others though, as they can join in with MIL's gathering.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 06/05/2024 16:12

TeenDivided · 06/05/2024 10:24

Invite FIL from say 12-2, and MIL from 3-5.

This is a good idea but your DH should organize that.

'Demanded we come for cake' isn't very nice though. She's invited you as she doesn't feel comfortable attending something with her ex. What's wrong with accepting or not accepting the invite.

MermaidEyes · 06/05/2024 16:12

They’re arguing that they have every right to see my baby on his birthday, yet they’re the ones making it difficult unnecessarily.

They might be family, they don't have every right to see him on his birthday. They sound extremely demanding, and I bet they'll be like this with every milestone he has going forward.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 06/05/2024 16:12

Efh · 06/05/2024 12:47

Depends what happened between MIL and FIL.

Was there domestic violence, abuse, traumatic stuff?

I agree

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 06/05/2024 16:14

Conorandgregg · 06/05/2024 13:31

Thanks everyone I really appreciate all the replies, it’s given me the push I needed to stick to my guns and say no!
FIL agreed to keep his distance to still attend the party but MIL had a tantrum and outright refused. Her mum and sister have refused to come because FIL will be there. They’re arguing that they have every right to see my baby on his birthday, yet they’re the ones making it difficult unnecessarily.
They divorced because MIL was abusive and manipulative (if you can’t tell!) and FIL met someone else.
We tend to keep our distance in general and rarely invite them over, we didn’t see them over Christmas as they both went abroad (separately) so this is the first event since the divorce.

I wouldn't want to attend an event with my ex who cheated on me either - it sounds like you hate her

WatchOutMissMarpleIsAbout · 06/05/2024 16:30

Call her bluff. What about events going forward? Weddings, baptism if into that sort of thing.

Bluerabbitplates · 06/05/2024 16:44

Conorandgregg · 06/05/2024 13:33

It was worded as ‘we expect you to come to our houses on his birthday so we can see him because FIL will be at your house so we can’t come’. We haven’t responded.

Don't respond. It's not a question so it doesn't require a response. Let them expect whatever they like. They don't own you. Your mistake was inviting them at all!

They’re arguing that they have every right to see my baby on his birthday,

They have zero rights to see DC, ever. I wouldn't want them anywhere near him TBH. What does he have to gain from a relationship with these toxic people?

There is a party. You have, very generously/foolishly under the circumstances, decided to invite them. They have chosen not to attend. There's no further conversation to be had about it. Breathe a sigh of relief and move on having blocked their numbers.

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