A neighbour one

[NailsHairNipsHeels]

How do I deal with an overbearing neighbour?

I recently moved to a new area, the day I moved neighbour saw me carrying stuff in and introduced themself and told me a wee bit about the area. All very nice and normal interactions.

Pretty much since then it's like I have a stalker:
-She found me on social media, where I don't use my name, and now messages most days
-Invites me round for coffee, lunch, dinner at least weekly
-I can't go into the garden without her being there immediately and wanting to chat even if I've just been out pegging washing/putting bins out/it's raining
-Messages as soon as I get home as she can see my car arriving. Usually just inane chat, this is when she usually extents the invites to pop round
-I worked overtime a few times and she messaged to see if I was ok as I wasn't home at the usual time and she was worried
I've tried ignoring messages. Telling her I'm busy and can't chat. Declined invitations and just been a bit standoffish but it's not working.
Today I came home from work and was having a wee nap on the sofa. She saw me as she walked past and knocked the door to check I was ok
It's getting ridiculous I just want a normal polite neighbourly relationship

Goodness that sounds extremely overbearing…is she lonely/ bored, or just doesn’t pick up social cues? I had neighbours who always expected to talk when I sat out in my garden…I’m always very happy to have a close neighbour relationship and enjoy contact with neighbours, but am often too tired to talk, so that became difficult. When they moved I put up a fence so that part of my garden ( where I sit out) wouldn’t be visible from next door.

I think you’ll have to be much more standoffish, be brusque if she sees you in your garden and you don’t want to chat, and don’t respond at all to her messages or invitations (maybe block her number). If she still doesn’t back off, you could try addressing the problem directly with her, make your boundaries clear, but if she’s this insensitive to your space that’s only got a limited chance of succeeding.

I do think she's bored/lonely.
School age children and stay at home mum.
She's acts like my mother at times.

Thankfully she doesn't have my mobile or id have cracked up.
I've been ignoring messages the last few weeks as it's just too much and today i was pretty abrupt at being disturbed but I genuinely think she'd oblivious.
I bought the house from her "best friend" not once visited her since they moved to I'm sceptical if that's true. It appears she thinks I'm a replacement.

Holy Fuck! We are looking to move to a town from the middle of nowhere. It's stuff like this that has me putting it off year on year.

I think you need to write to her and keep a copy. Be polite but very very firm and tell her you feel like she is stalking you (because she is) and see what happens then.

I feel like something from baby reindeer. I laugh about it with friends/family but it is fairly intrusive. Like my partner visiting and her messaging asking if I was ok because a man had parked outside my house

You need to be firm.

"Sorry but I'm finding the constant messages asking if I am ok and knocking on my door too much. Please can you give me space as I'm feeling quite suffocated"

@Princesspollyyy I suspect that someone like that just wouldn’t understand ‘please give me space’ !!

OP, can you put up any defences so she doesn’t see you…eg net curtains at the front window for a while. They are quite a statement even to nosy people. Would it screen her view of you if you had a high hedge or fence in the garden?

Messaging when you’re not back at usual time, messaging when your partner was visiting…this is way OTT for a neighbour relationship.

Hopefully if you carry on not responding to her/ being unfriendly, she’ll get the message eventually but I would keep a log of incidents in case you need to escalate this.

I wonder if the ‘best friend’ moved because she couldn’t cope with the level of intrusion.

Hints don't work with someone like that.
She is being rude and overbearing, you need to be rude right back
Mary, you are not my mother, we are just neighbours, stop with the messages and stop being nosey. Your constant interference is suffocating me

Time to be rude I think.
Block her on SM and the next time she collars you be straight up with her "I really don't appreciate your constant interruptions either by messenger or in person. Stop interfering in my life, it's intrusive & it ends here and now"
Good luck 🤞

This sounds horrendous, she is probably lonely and maybe has some weird attachment issues which make her quite intense and clingy....that's not your problem though.

I think you will have to be very blunt. "I'm starting to feel a bit ovewhelmed neighbour as you seem to be watching my every move and constantly coming out or messaging me when I get home, why are you doing that? It's quite irritating after a long day at work and I would appreciate you giving me some space" then block her on social media.

She needs to be told to get a life!

Ohh this is hard.

Just block her on social media and ignore her!

Have you spoken to any other neighbours?

Does she have a partner, any other friends or family that you’ve noticed?

She does seem bored and over friendly. It's awkward, I wouldn’t want to fall out with her but at the same time you’re entitled to enjoy your home without this level of intrusion.

I think I’d message back next time to say you are tired after work /busy what have you. Then ignore the messages, ignore the door if she comes over (get ring or blink). Hope she gets the message that way!

That's intolerable.
I think you're going to have to snap at her...show your irritation. Make it clear you do not welcome her intrusion. It will be hard because we're all programmed to be polite and avoid conflict...but she is using that to keep on at you.

I don't know what she hopes to achieve. Why would she pursue a friendship with someone who ignores her messages? If I was hoping to chum up with a neighbour I'd take the lack of response as a no thank you. Why doesn't she?

I agree you want shot of this asap. Record everything. Just in case she gets a bit Martha.

That sounds intense and really annoying. I think I would tread carefully in how I would respond. She could just be someone who has no social awareness and boundary issues, or she could be a serial stalker type and turn nasty. You do have to live nextdoor to her after all, so being rude etc could backfire into a tit for tat dispute if she is unhinged.

I think I would probably try and just ignore her completely. Blank her if you see her (big headphones on), ignore all messages and don't answer the door. I am not sure if you can turn some setting on messenger where it leaves messages looking "unread"? Basically just starve her of any attention, but no rudeness or anything which she could misconstrue as "aggressive". Also get some CCTV, high fences, venetian blinds/nets and make sure you double lock your door at night.

How do you think she managed to find you online?

I'm trying so hard to be blunt and she did get an abrupt response yesterday when she woke me up.

I do think she's lonely she married with kids at school so she's got a lot of her day to fill but in contrast I work full time out of the house and have other things going on. I don't mind being civil with neighbours but anything else is a bit much

@IwishIdidntlikesugar that was the first red flag. She messages the person I bought the house from to get my name but couldn't find me then she remembered my ex husband's name (who had helped me move and had spoke to her for all of 2 mins) she found him and went though is contacts and found me 😬

Hmm she does sound a bit of a worry. That doesnt seem like normal behaviour. At a push most people would surely just knock on your door and invite you for tea if they were keen to be friends. Depending on what social media it is .. facebook? Id be tempted to just not use it at all for the time being and put curtains/blinds up and make getaway excuses each time you see her. If she is a bit mad you dont know where it could go really. Have you tried typing her name into the internet to see what comes up?

I feel a little sad for her. She doesn’t understand boundaries or normal social etiquette, and is bored and lonely. So has fixated on you. It’s very difficult to deal with.
personally I’d take long and longer to respond ans when I did I’d say things like all fine. No need to check up in future.

I do think she's lonely she married with kids at school so she's got a lot of her day to fill but in contrast I work full time out of the house

If you’re out all day, is it just the evenings and weekends she’s doing this? Are her husband/kids not home?

I would block her on Fb and say you’ve come off it due to stalkers. Get net curtains/blinds so she can’t see in your house and I would tell her she’d woken me up every time she knocks.

It's definitely not normal behaviour.

I don't use my social media account so she gleans nothing from there.

I've got blinds etc but don't want to have to sit in the dark to stop her prying.
I'll see if speaking to her yesterday has made a difference. I did say the level of contact made me want to never speak to her again.
That I'm a grown adult that doesn't need to check in with neighbours when I'm not home.

She did apologise and go off quietly back round to her house and she's not messaged today. 🤞🏼

I work odd hours so get time off during the week/during the day. every time without fail I get a knock on the door of a message. It's just constant. I started parking round the corner and walking to my house just to get peace.

How did she respond when you told her the above? Hopefully that’s the end of it now.

Ok good.

Hopefully that will be the end of it.