Can you tell someone your kid doesn’t like their kid?

[Canyouu]

DS (7) went to a club where there was another child (6) that he didn’t like. The kid hits a lot, is also a bit younger and quite in DS’s face (he says). He’s stopped the club now for various reasons that have nothing to do with that kid.

Anyway the mum texts me a lot to ask for a play date. She also lives quite close to me and I occasionally see her around.

i’ve tried the “yeah maybe” noncommittal response, but obviously that’s not noncommittal enough because I get a message every other week from her trying to sort it out.

How do I say no? I can’t just be constantly “busy”, it isn’t working. Can I say - nicely - my kid doesn’t want to?!?

I don’t want to be rude because I will see her about every now and again and can’t stand to live awkwardly!

(We live in a fairly small village, so possibly why she wants to connect with people! But we have a wide social circle from various other clubs so have no need to make a “friendship” like that work.)

I'd say that DS doesn't like playdates/is too busy for playdates in general rather than he just doesn't like her child. A little white lie to save her feelings.

"Sorry but my child doesn't like your child" would be really rude in my opinion

And given what you've said about her needing to make social connections I'd be extra careful about causing offence. You don't owe it to her to be her friend, your child is under no obligation to befriend her child, but coming out with it so directly like that could really hurt her feelings and make it harder for her to find people who actually do want to connect with her in the small village

It sounds like you really do want to be sensitive about this and I feel for you, it's a tricky one that has to be handled carefully

Do you think I should just be “busy” until she gives up? It’s really tricky. There’s no way that DS would want to, the play date wouldn’t go well for anyone as DS wouldn’t engage!

Tough one. Maybe try something along the lines of "DS finds play dates very challenging and often finds it hard to engage, I don't feel it's a good idea at the moment"

That might put her off for a while and she can hopefully make other connections in the meantime

No, I wouldn't say that. I would probably keep being to busy until she gave up or if I liked the mum I would probably give it a try in a neutral space like the park and with other children involved to observe the interactions. The child might behave differently in a different context. But if you really don't want to do that just keep making excuses, don't be cruel.

Thanks for this but to be honest with you XXX is not too great with play dates at the mo so we are having time out for a while. As soon as things change I’ll let you know!

"We're still not up for playdates at the moment, I'm sorry. I'll be in touch if things change."

I can be blunt but even I wouldn’t tell her that my child doesn’t like her child. Next time I would just say you’re busy again and that you’ll let her know when you’re free. And if she texts again after that, I’d just ignore it.

Don't keep making excuses, just say your child isn't keen.

If she really pushes you for a reason why, just say something like 'I don't know, he's just a bit funny about playdates' 🤷‍♂️

You can. So long as you don't mind being called "a heartless bitch" .

I made the "mistake" of snapping when being hectored about arranging a 5 year old Dd playdate for the third time in 2 days. " for goodness sake, they don't really get along, my Dd would ignore her, it wouldn't be fun"

She snapped back with "heartless bitch, just trying to be friendly"

We didn't talk after that. Ever. So it worked out OK for no playdates. But I hated the "drama". (And haven't forgotten it from 17 years ago)

Hmmm, is there any chance she will find out that your child is having playdates with other kids? It's a small village so I imagine she will, and she will be hurt when she finds out that your child, far from hating playdates, is actually having them with everyone apart from her child 😬 Is there a way of wording it gently but honestly? Something like "I'm really sorry, DS has told me that xx has hit him a few times and he was a little upset, so sorry". As a person with a little boy a similar age, who does hit on occasion, that would still sting a little but would be a lot better than a lie.

No don't op. And have your response ready for when she really pushes it.

At about age 5 there was a little boy in dd's class whose mother constantly asked for playmates. There was one at his and I paid it back and his behaviour was very challenging and violent. D D was also coming home often upset because he'd kicked or pinched her.

The mother was like a duracell battery and didn't pick up my cues. DD has something that night, DD is quite busy at the moment and I'm limiting her teas so she has two days without an activity. The lady just didn't get it and cornered me and asked when would dd be less busy and followed it up with "is that she doesn't want to be friends". I am afraid, before brain engaged with mouth, I said "It would help if he hit her less". She never spoke to me again and cold shouldered me at all school events thereafter.

Looking back the wee lad had problems which the mother wouldn't recognise - on the one play date at ours he sat under the kitchen table lining up balls of plasticine. I suspect his mother had similar problems hence why she didn't pick up the cues. They moved abroad eventually because the school wanted him assessed or moved on. Very sad.

Is the younger child in the year below or at a different school? I don’t agree with being “busy” all the time (as that’s just hurtful and frustrating for the person trying to organise) and instead turn it down specifically but for a less personal reason : eg “my ds is a bit funny about play dates with younger children, hopefully he’ll grow out of it” or “he’s a bit funny about only wanting play dates with his classmates at the moment ” etc

if the mum is a nice person that you wouldn’t be mind being acquaintances with - and if you’re wanting to be kind and maintain good relations in the village - maybe you could offer to meet her for coffee while dc are at school.

I find being honest really difficult normally but in this case I would be, but phrase very carefully. Maybe 'they don't seem to get along very well and I think there may be arguments'. Or 'he can be a bit awkward about going to play dates with some children so maybe let's wait until he is maturer'. If you say he is not up for play dates at all then you won't invite other kids and that's not fair on your DS.

Ds1 loved everyone and would go anywhere but was a bit rough, loud and could be domineering at play. He always wanted play dates and would pester me to invite so I did. Some parents would be evasive and too busy until I got the hint but I often wondered was it me, my parenting etc. I started to avoid them a bit at pick up and got paranoid. One or two were more honest and said something like above, one said she thought they got on well at school but they were happy to leave it as a school friendship. Likewise a neighbours kid would play with DS and occasionally say 'I think they have enough of each other for a while, maybe it's best if he doesn't call until next week'. On balance I found it much easier with the honest folk and they were the ones I found I could talk openly with about DS, saying I could see he has some issues and asking their advice etc.

I'd start with something vague about I'm not sure that they're getting on at the moment or that the kids don't work well together. Be careful of claiming not to do playdates if it's obvious that you're doing them with other people.

I think it would be a kindness to the Mum to explain that your DC finds the other child too lively and "in-your-face". The Mum probably doesn't know and the kid is never going to learn how to socialist if the Mum doesn't get honest feedback on what is going wrong.

Telling the truth will always set you free. Something like

‘Hey X. Thank you so much for the invite. Unfortunately my son struggles with new friendships and it’s very difficult to make him engage when he flat out refuses! I’m happy to meet for a coffee one day though if you would like to?’

I don’t know if you actually want to socialise with the lady, but if you do that leaves you open to pursuing the contact without having to bring the kids along.

I actually think this response is fine. If mum is in denial she needs to be told.

My dd has a kid in her class who hits and does other horrible things to hurt other children. I don’t actually know whether she has any other issues or not but mum asked a couple of times for a play date and I ended up saying sorry dd isn’t keen because x hits her. Mum was actually quite understanding and apologised.
Nothings changed from what I hear though and dd avoids her at school

Why not say to her that you aren't sure that it will work out as they have never seemed to be great friends, try it once and the kids will either work it out or it won't be a success and you can then say that it's probably best to not plan any more 🤷‍♀️

Oops! I've told my friend that my dd doesn't like her ds! Admittedly we know each other but it was very obvious from about 6/7 they had vastly different ideas of fun, what was funny, swearing etc. It's quite funny as I see him punching kids at school and drinking at 12 and think she is a lax parent, and she sees my dd being a geek and doing med club and thinks she is boring. We still walk every week and talk about other stuff! Is there a chance you can do coffee without the kids?

I got around this when the child asked me directly could he come to play and I said "no, because sadly you're not very nice to DC, you keep hitting him. I don't have children who hit come to play at my house"

Mum thinks everyone has a vendetta against her child. They've not, people just aren't willing to take his behaviour and deal with the bruises afterwards anymore. They are a physical punishment household and it shows.

They’re not at school together, the other child is home schooled so I think it’s another reason why she’s keen! To give him a wider social circle.

The mum is nice enough, but a little overbearing, so I’d rather just be polite acquaintances! Definitely not interested in a coffee. When I’d see her at the club they both did, her anxiety was a little catching and I’d always leave feeling a bit burned out. No big deal, but would just rather not hangout!

This is all very helpful!

I wonder if gentle honesty might work. Like: “X isn’t really up for it. I’m sorry! You know how they can be. Maybe in a few months he’ll change his mind”? I don’t know if that’s offensive or not!

She knows DS plays with other children as he was always asking to play with others from the club, so saying he doesn’t like play dates won’t work I don’t think…

I don’t want to exclude the poor kid, but DS doesn’t fake it when he doesn’t like someone. He’s not mean, he just doesn’t engage. Plus he’d really not want to go and that doesn’t feel fair on him.

I feel bad because I’ve left her latest message on “read” but still haven’t replied!

“X isn’t really up for it. I’m sorry! You know how they can be. Maybe in a few months he’ll change his mind”? I don’t know if that’s offensive or not!

sounds perfect