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Original poster

What to do - NC GP now ill

40 replies

raspberryberet7 · 05/05/2024 09:19

Looking for some advice as really not sure what to do and if my gut feeling is unreasonable.

My DC father and his family have nothing to do with DC and has not seen them in six years. They don't send Christmas cards, birthday cards etc. exH took me to court after three years of NC for access but court refused. The DC grandparents also stopped contact and sending birthday cards Christmas cards etc six years ago. My Dc have been upset by their lack of communication on many occasions but are over it now. I've never said GP can't see DC it was their choice. They have never called, text, written, visited or made any attempt to see them. Likewise I have never contacted them

I have now had an email from ex saying his dad has Alzheimer's and would appreciate it if I asked DC to visit him.

My gut instinct is no if he didn't make any effort when he was well why should my children be burdened with this because he is unwell and it would ease his conscience. Not sure if I am being harsh and unreasonable though. Any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
Orangemangogrape · 05/05/2024 09:21

I don't think you can with hold that information if your child is 14 or over.

heldinadream · 05/05/2024 09:23

Age and maturity of child crucial to having an opinion on this OP.

Original poster
raspberryberet7 · 05/05/2024 09:27

Sorry the email said he suspects his dad has Alzheimer's so I'm assuming it's not been diagnosed by the wording he's used. DC are all teens

OP posts:

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Family law
Coffeegincarbs · 05/05/2024 09:31

Would need a bit more info to understand the full situation but why was exDH access refused by the court?
If the GP has Alzheimers would he even recognise your DC if he's not seen them or had any contact with them in 6 yrs? Who else would be present at any visit?
How old are your DC? Would it upset them to see their unwell GP in a nursing home or in their own home?

heldinadream · 05/05/2024 09:33

That's interesting OP, if the email is only about a suspected diagnosis I'd wonder if some manipulation is going on, pulling on your heartstrings for some reason.
No need to jump to anything yet.
Was there even any attempt at an apology for the lack of contact and effort from their side? Or was it all about poor them?

AuntieDolly · 05/05/2024 09:56

How will seeing your children help? Sounds like manipulation to me

mumonthehill · 05/05/2024 10:02

Dh was nc with his parents for many years, however he did see his mum when she became very ill and our dc saw her before she died. It was so much less emotional for dc than we imagined as she was a stranger to them and they went to support their df. They were tween and teenage so able to understand and make choices. Dh would not have forced them. They also went to the funeral. I think the difference here is that your dc do not have a relationship with their dad so would not feel any support at all and i would question who benefits from them going. I'm think you need to be guided by dc.

EverhopefulPB · 05/05/2024 11:34

I agree it's manipulative and I can't see how it would help anyone for 2 youngsters to get caught up in some almost strangers sad diagnosis

fourelementary · 05/05/2024 11:36

Nope I’m with you @raspberryberet7 they weren’t GP to your son in health so why the hell should he go running to them now? Even someone who had been close
might struggle to have a relationship with a confused and unwell GP but how the hell is your son expected to build anything meaningful there now?
You reap what you sow and the GP and ex have sown their seeds…

StuffLoriThangs · 05/05/2024 11:37

I think you should tell your DC if they are teens and let them make their own assertion.

yes, it could well be manipulation. But looking at it from dcs point of view, they will have an opinion on it. You, as their parent can also override but I think they should know

Original poster
raspberryberet7 · 05/05/2024 13:36

We are travelling at the moment so I've not actually told the DC anything. I don't think they would want to see him after all this time tbh and I don't want them to feel guilt tripped into it. The fact that there doesn't seem to be a diagnosis makes me think it could be manipulation. The thought of them going does not sit comfortably with me tbh

OP posts:
Original poster
raspberryberet7 · 05/05/2024 13:37

AuntieDolly · 05/05/2024 09:56

How will seeing your children help? Sounds like manipulation to me

This is what I think tbh. Why should much children go there to ease is conscience

OP posts:
Original poster
raspberryberet7 · 05/05/2024 13:38

heldinadream · 05/05/2024 09:33

That's interesting OP, if the email is only about a suspected diagnosis I'd wonder if some manipulation is going on, pulling on your heartstrings for some reason.
No need to jump to anything yet.
Was there even any attempt at an apology for the lack of contact and effort from their side? Or was it all about poor them?

Nothing from any of them whatsoever. Ex is toxic and blames me for everything and twists everything. He's blocked on everything but email and I hardly ever reply to him tbh

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 05/05/2024 13:51

A "suspected diagnosis" reported to you by a manipulative ex doesn't need to be passed on. Nothing has changed as far as the relationships are concerned. I'd ignore the email for the time being.

Original poster
raspberryberet7 · 05/05/2024 14:53

@Justmuddlingalong that was my gut feeling tbh

OP posts:
ButterflyBarista · 05/05/2024 15:01

Justmuddlingalong · 05/05/2024 13:51

A "suspected diagnosis" reported to you by a manipulative ex doesn't need to be passed on. Nothing has changed as far as the relationships are concerned. I'd ignore the email for the time being.

Agree.

Don't put the burden of emotional blackmail on to your kids by asking them if they want to go.

Original poster
raspberryberet7 · 05/05/2024 15:08

Orangemangogrape · 05/05/2024 09:21

I don't think you can with hold that information if your child is 14 or over.

Why not?

OP posts:
Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 05/05/2024 15:10

I would say no, it’s not happening. If it was a firm medical diagnosis and if your children were mature, then I might, might discuss it with them, but in all probability would still say no. Certainly I would suggest that it isn’t a necessity for the children to visit and that it won’t provide any benefit to either GP or the children and will only leave them with unpleasant memories of someone who is a stranger to them.
No one benefits except a controlling ex.

BruFord · 05/05/2024 15:12

If your children are teenagers, I’d push it back into your ex and say that if he’d like to inform his children of the situation, please go ahead.
It’s not your responsibility.

If he wants to rebuild a relationship between the children and his family, he can do the legwork.

Original poster
raspberryberet7 · 05/05/2024 15:16

BruFord · 05/05/2024 15:12

If your children are teenagers, I’d push it back into your ex and say that if he’d like to inform his children of the situation, please go ahead.
It’s not your responsibility.

If he wants to rebuild a relationship between the children and his family, he can do the legwork.

He doesn't want to he can't be bothered to rebuild a relationship with them. He hasn't had any contact whatsoever for years and I doubt very much they would entertain him now if he tried

OP posts:
Original poster
raspberryberet7 · 05/05/2024 15:17

He's a very spiteful man. When dc we're still in contact with him they told him about a birthday party I'd arranged for one of them. When birthday dc didn't want to stay an extra night at his house he called and called and cancelled the party and took a refund of my money. First we knew about it was on the day when we arrived with dc and their friends

OP posts:
BruFord · 05/05/2024 15:24

raspberryberet7 · 05/05/2024 15:16

He doesn't want to he can't be bothered to rebuild a relationship with them. He hasn't had any contact whatsoever for years and I doubt very much they would entertain him now if he tried

Show quote history

It’s still not your responsibility to tell them about their GP though, @raspberryberet7, it’s their Dad’s.

So if he won’t contact them: they right listen to him, that’s the end of the matter. He’s reaping what he’s sown. 🤷

Floralnomad · 05/05/2024 15:28

You either need to reply to him telling him to contact the children himself or I think you need to at least show them the email . The problem if you don’t is that later on down the track you don’t want it to come back and bite you if your children do decide to reconcile with their father’s family and could accuse you of withholding information .

Mindymomo · 05/05/2024 15:33

I would want to know why after all these years, would they even want to see their grandchildren when they weren’t bothered before, I’m afraid teenagers or not, I doubt very much I would want my children to visit or be in their lives. Had they tried to keep a relationship going, then it would be different.

BruFord · 05/05/2024 16:31

Floralnomad · 05/05/2024 15:28

You either need to reply to him telling him to contact the children himself or I think you need to at least show them the email . The problem if you don’t is that later on down the track you don’t want it to come back and bite you if your children do decide to reconcile with their father’s family and could accuse you of withholding information .

I agree, @Floralnomad In the OP’s shoes, I’d respond making it very clear that he’s welcome to contact them directly regarding their GP.

Then she can never be accused of withholding information.