What to do - NC GP now ill

[raspberryberet7]

Looking for some advice as really not sure what to do and if my gut feeling is unreasonable.

My DC father and his family have nothing to do with DC and has not seen them in six years. They don't send Christmas cards, birthday cards etc. exH took me to court after three years of NC for access but court refused. The DC grandparents also stopped contact and sending birthday cards Christmas cards etc six years ago. My Dc have been upset by their lack of communication on many occasions but are over it now. I've never said GP can't see DC it was their choice. They have never called, text, written, visited or made any attempt to see them. Likewise I have never contacted them

I have now had an email from ex saying his dad has Alzheimer's and would appreciate it if I asked DC to visit him.

My gut instinct is no if he didn't make any effort when he was well why should my children be burdened with this because he is unwell and it would ease his conscience. Not sure if I am being harsh and unreasonable though. Any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated.

@Floralnomad is right.

Maybe phrase it something like this?
"Hey, Sam and Helen, I got an email from your father. He suspects that his dad has some medical problems and he asks if you can go and visit. He thinks his father has Alzheimer's, though it hasn't been diagnosed.

It's entirely your choice. You haven't had contact for some years, and I have some reservations, but you can make the decision for yourself, I'll support you either way"

Editted: maybe "I have some reservations [said neutrally], but you can make the decision for yourself, I'll support you either way""

I don’t see who would be likely to benefit from a visit. If the grandparent didn’t want to see them when in full cognitive health, then now that he has a (possible) lack of mental capacity it would be wrong to infer that a visit would be in his interests. And more importantly the DC could be really set back by what might well be an upsetting visit to an estranged grandfather (no doubt with estranged father looming). Alzheimer’s can cause loss of inhibition and you can’t predict what might be said to the DC.

I'd say "sorry to hear this. I'll let the children know."
Tell the children their GP has this suspected illness. If they wish to visit - arrange it if they don't - then that's fine too.

This.

I don’t think I’d have got that email.

I am all for letting kids make their own decisions when they’re old enough to understand circumstances, but this feels manipulative and complex even for an adult, let alone a teen.

The GPs didn’t have a relationship when mentally sound, there’s nothing to say they want one now that they’re not.

That's horrendous. You and your DC definitely don't owe him anything. I would ignore him.

Tbh I don't even know if I believe him, he is a compulsive liar. He's down some horrendous things and I wouldn't put it past him at all to lie about this

I think it's clear which way you're leaning, but just to be aware that if your ex does have contact with the children later then this could be used against you. I'm in favour of age-appropriate truth as frankly it covers your own arse when you're dealing with a manipulative person.

My DC are also NC with their GP. We have had a similar text and I let the children know (they are teens). I didn’t reply to the text message at all. My concern was for my DC only.

DC showed very little interest and didn’t feel a visit necessary. They obviously had compassion for the situation but there was just no emotional connection.

Having said that, they were never a huge part of my DC’s life so the bond wasn’t there even before NC.

He blames me for everything. He's said his parents were heartbroken when they stopped seeing the DC and still are so I'm not sure why they've never contacted any of us if they're heartbroken. They've never once contacted us to see them or called to speak to them and I'm not sure how he can think that's my fault

I am tempted to contact exs sister to see if it is actually true. Is that a stupid idea?

I get the impression from OP's posts that it is she who doesn't want the children (teenagers) to contact their father's family, and that she is unsupportive of this if they do decide they want to do it.
She may well have valid reasons for her opinion but I think that the children should decide what to do for themselves without negative pressure from mum which will usually override any opinion they may have themselves.
As one gets older, on sees things differently. We only have one precious life on this earth and it is sad if we leave it leaving behind regrets and discord and many old people do try to right wrongs as they get older.

OP, this really isn't about you and your feelings. I think you should try to put them aside and not influence the children's decisions. It would be so sad if they have to live their life with regrets, especially as they get old, because they did what mum wanted and not necessarily what they thought was the right thing to do. I think your anger is driving your views on what they should do but this situation needs more careful thought than that.

@dogmandu kids don't want to see him I've now discussed it with them and didn't influence them. The fact they haven't contacted them in years or sent them a Christmas card birthday card etc hurt the kids a lot especially when they see their cousins being spoilt. It's not my dc fault we got divorced yet grandparents decided to cut them off anyway. I'm glad they've decided not to see them it's not up to my kids to ease his guilty conscience

Just an update. Decided to tell DC. None of them want to visit they said they're sorry he's going through that but won't be visiting

You went above and beyond as it wasn’t your responsibility to inform them, @raspberryberet7 , but I can see why you did. 💐 Now it’s out of the way and as expected, they’re not interested. That’s what happens if you don’t bother with your grandchildren. 🤷

@BruFord yeah I agree I didn't need to tell them but I wanted to give them the chance. I did tell them it was only suspected and not diagnosed. They are generally of the same opinion as me they didn't bother with us when they were in good health so don't use us now to ease your conscience. Replied to email and been polite but now I'm getting abuse which is par for the course when dealing with ex which is exactly the reason I usually ignore him! Thanks everyone for your help and support it's very very greatly appreciated