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Original poster

To separate my kid at schools , i don't know what's best

31 replies

Beavers9 · 04/05/2024 22:21

My daughter starts secondary next year September 25 and she really likes the idea of going to an all girls grammer school. My whole family have said that would be amazing if she got in so she is going to do her 11+ and of course we won't stop her from trying her best.

My worry I've got and I suppose it's selfish in a way is that my son who is a adorable little boy, he has ADHD + potential autism and is very delayed in his development is 2 school years behind her obviously wouldn't be following her to the same school and that worrys me .

She looks out for him so much now he doesn't have many friends and she's often seen with him "a bit too much at times"
And it's probably half the issues we have as she does mother him .

So if we spilt them up in a way she can't keep an eye out and he can't go to her for help advice or anything when he gets to secondary school something I think he will struggle with a lot. There is pros and cons although deep down it probably would do them the world of good

I'm looking for some one to give me some honest views have you been in this situation ?

OP posts:
AmyandPhilipfan · 04/05/2024 23:14

It sounds like it might do them both good to go their own ways. Hopefully she will get into the school she wants and will be happy there and then you can concentrate on finding the school that's best for your son.

I was very worried about how my eldest would settle at secondary as he has slight learning difficulties and some problems making friends but the secondary we sent him to, after a bit of research, has a very good pastoral side and they have accepted him for who he is and though he's never really loved school he's also never had any real problems there, while a friend of his who was quite similar in many ways who went to a different secondary has had exclusions, time in behavioural units etc.

mummymummymummummum · 04/05/2024 23:18

Is he due to move to secondary Sept 2025 as well?

AstonUniversityPotholeDepartment · 04/05/2024 23:24

mummymummymummummum · 04/05/2024 23:18

Is he due to move to secondary Sept 2025 as well?

If I'm reading the OP right, he's due to go to secondary in September 2027.

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NuffSaidSam · 04/05/2024 23:27

You cannot deny your daughter a better education because you want her to look after her brother at school.

From the sound of it they're going to have very different lives and that's fine, equally good, but different. Put each of them in the school that best suits their needs.

cestlavielife · 04/05/2024 23:27

You choose the best the school for her and take her wishes into account

And then the best for him

You cannot put it on her to look out for him
Do not put that on her

taleasoldashoney · 04/05/2024 23:29

If he's two school years behind her then he is going to have two years of not being in the same school as her, whilst being in familiar surroundings, to get used to her not being around

So him going to a different secondary school in 2 years later is a very different proposition to him going to a different secondary school at the same time

And also your DD will have had two years of not looking out for, or mothering, her brother and therefore even at the same school might be a lot les inclined to hang around with him.

SD1978 · 04/05/2024 23:40

It's not her responsibility to be his comforter and protector, to the detriment of her own education. I understand for you it would be a comfort knowing that someone was there for him at school, but she wants to do this, and should be fully encouraged to, and have her own path. His future (potential) challenges, are for him to deal with, with all your support. She needs to be able to do and go where she wants

mummymummymummummum · 04/05/2024 23:41

AstonUniversityPotholeDepartment · 04/05/2024 23:24

If I'm reading the OP right, he's due to go to secondary in September 2027.

Show quote history

Wanted to check that he wasn’t a twin but achieving two years below.

A lot will change in two years. He’ll have to manage without her for that long, so will hopefully be able to develop alternative coping strategies.

You can’t expect your daughter to sacrifice her schooling for her brother.

TwelveTimesTables · 04/05/2024 23:47

Hi OP,

It might be safest for your son to experience being without his sister, so that if he doesn't cope, then the school will have time to get an EHCP in place before he starts secondary. It sounds as though it would be helpful to start the ball rollkng on that asap.

I think your daughter needs to by allowed to fly as high as she can take herself.

Piony · 04/05/2024 23:54

I think you know the answer to this one. In a secondary of 1000+ students she won't see him reliably enough to be the sticking plaster anyway.

My eldest has paved the way for her SEN sibling her whole life. I'm always happier when they are at separate schools because it lifts the pressure from her a bit. When they're at the same school she might see DS across a corridor distraught, then have to troop off to double Physics not be able to do anything about it for hours, not knowing if he found any help. It was a big burden on her. Plus you might need the cracks to show a bit so that you and school staff can see what support he needs, and put them in place for him.

Adolescence is a key time for both children, when they redefine themselves. Neither will be well served by being cast into these roles in school as well as home.

HelenTudorFisk · 04/05/2024 23:54

You should not be placing responsibility for your sons wellbeing on your daughters shoulders and the fact that you are even considering an outcome that is not your daughter having the best opportunity for an education she can achieve (and by your own admission she ‘mothers’ him) suggests you have let the boundaries blur.

Sonolanona · 05/05/2024 00:05

My youngest has autism and learning difficulties. He went to a different school to his siblings and thrived.
Please don't hold your daughter back. It's NOT her job to protect him at the expense of her own potential, no matter how much she loves him. If you stop her going to Grammar school for his benefit, she will look back and resent you for it at some point, and as others have said, at Secondary she won't be able to be there in the same way as Primary school anyway.

My kids are adults now, they love their brother dearly, and two of them will have power of Attourney for him, as they are in an excellent position (one a doctor, one a Learning Disability nurse) to support him, but that is their adult decision..freely made.
Her brother is not her responsibility now, and he should not factor into any decisions about her education.

TwattyMcFuckFace · 05/05/2024 00:09

By the time he starts senior school he'll have been without her for two years in a school setting anyway, so hopefully by then he'll have learned a bit more independence.

Plus, he may not have 'many' friends but he could well be going to his new school with some of them.

Mumoftwo1312 · 05/05/2024 00:11

The words you use are quite telling... your dd looks out for her brother, mothers him, keeps an eye out for him... it's too much.

By the sound of it your daughter probably has to "look out for" her brother quite a lot at home so school should be her respite from that.

Otherwise she's practically spending more hours in the day "mothering" him than you are!

SammyScrounge · 05/05/2024 00:41

Your daughter is not a nanny. She is a child. She is entitled to an education of her own unencumbered by fretting over her brother's welfare.
Your boy will be helped by teachers and TAs.
He won't play up to them the way he does to his sister and may well achieve more.
Make sure that your.daughter can have time for friends and lessons independent of her brother.

Original poster
Beavers9 · 05/05/2024 07:12

mummymummymummummum · 04/05/2024 23:18

Is he due to move to secondary Sept 2025 as well?

@mummymummymummummum no his 2 years behind so wouldn't be going till 2027 I think it would be ?

OP posts:
Sirzy · 05/05/2024 07:16

I think it will be best for both of them to go to the school that is right for them as individuals. Caring for a sibling shouldn’t come into that at all.

MFF2010 · 05/05/2024 07:19

Your entire post talks about what is best for your DS, you're supposed to be choosing the best school for your daughter and you've not focussed on what's best for HER at all, you've not mentioned it once. I feel for the poor kid, she has her own life to lead, she shouldn't be a carer for your other child, that's your job.

Original poster
Beavers9 · 05/05/2024 07:19

Piony · 04/05/2024 23:54

I think you know the answer to this one. In a secondary of 1000+ students she won't see him reliably enough to be the sticking plaster anyway.

My eldest has paved the way for her SEN sibling her whole life. I'm always happier when they are at separate schools because it lifts the pressure from her a bit. When they're at the same school she might see DS across a corridor distraught, then have to troop off to double Physics not be able to do anything about it for hours, not knowing if he found any help. It was a big burden on her. Plus you might need the cracks to show a bit so that you and school staff can see what support he needs, and put them in place for him.

Adolescence is a key time for both children, when they redefine themselves. Neither will be well served by being cast into these roles in school as well as home.

@Piony thank you so much for your reply it's just put it very clear in my mind what we need to do.

Another question So you have one child in one school and another in another school ?how do you find the school timings of getting them both to school at the right time this is another thing I can't fathom my head around

OP posts:
Meadowbird · 05/05/2024 07:20

Gosh, please let your daughter go to the school that is best for her.

PuttingDownRoots · 05/05/2024 07:25

Treat your children as individuals.

If your son needed a specialist school, would you not send him as his sister wouldn't be there?

ReluctantSwimMum · 05/05/2024 07:25

Beavers9 · 05/05/2024 07:19

@Piony thank you so much for your reply it's just put it very clear in my mind what we need to do.

Another question So you have one child in one school and another in another school ?how do you find the school timings of getting them both to school at the right time this is another thing I can't fathom my head around

Show quote history

Ours will be at different secondary schools because of single sex schooling. They will travel to/from school independently so no logistics issues.

Sirzy · 05/05/2024 07:26

Beavers9 · 05/05/2024 07:19

@Piony thank you so much for your reply it's just put it very clear in my mind what we need to do.

Another question So you have one child in one school and another in another school ?how do you find the school timings of getting them both to school at the right time this is another thing I can't fathom my head around

Show quote history

Surely you will be doing that for two years anyway with them at different schools? As they get older they will be able to travel more independently too.

Grimchmas · 05/05/2024 07:30

cestlavielife · 04/05/2024 23:27

You choose the best the school for her and take her wishes into account

And then the best for him

You cannot put it on her to look out for him
Do not put that on her

This. Don't put it on her to parent him. Don't facilitate her continuing to do so.

It's absolutely lovely and a credit to her that she is so kind and thoughtful to look out for her brother so much - however I feel strongly that it's very unfair on her for you to facilitate that happening at her expense.

She needs to be spending her time focused on her childhood, her friends and her learning, especially outside of the home. If you allow her to continue to look out for him all the time too much she will be learning that her role in life is to look out for others at her own expense, and it will form an unhealthy pattern for her that she'll struggle to shrug off all her life. I would think if she spend all her breaks looking for and looking after him then she won't be hitting her own social and emotional milestones.

Rainydayze · 05/05/2024 07:34

As mum of a child with considerable academic delay I’d say let her go to her school of choice and that separate is better.

Even if they were twins, they will live in different universes in a large secondary if academically they are very different. But also, you might have to be “that parent” advocating (pushing) got you son’s needs to be met at his school, and that’s how school will see you. Being able to be a different kind of parent at your daughters school may be a positive thing for you and your self esteem if things are more of a struggle with your son, and she won’t just be X’s sister.