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Original poster

How late would you let your 12 year old stay out?

35 replies

PeterJohnson · 04/05/2024 06:51

DD had a party yesterday as their band conductor was leaving. It's a village/small town band so all ages. Parents were not invited. It started at 8pm and we said that she needed to be home at latest 10pm, and she should send me a message and I would come to meet her.

At 10:10 I walked down to get her as I hadn't heard anything. When I got there there were three kids her age and younger messing about on the roof of the porch. One had climbed out the first floor window and was standing on the sloping roof posing, one of the others taking photos. Seemingly no adult in sight, they were all in the function room on the next floor up.

She was most aggrieved she was the first to leave and there were younger kids allowed to stay later.

How late would you let your 12 year old stay out at something like this?

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 04/05/2024 06:53

10pm

TuesdayWhistler · 04/05/2024 06:55

Until it finished and I'd be collecting her.

Jifmicroliquid · 04/05/2024 06:58

A one off occasion at a village/band party, I’d let them stay until the end but make sure I was there to collect at the finish.

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AndMiffyWentToSleep · 04/05/2024 07:05

When did it end? If it was ending at 10:30pm, I might let them stay until the end but otherwise 10pm sounds good to me.

Original poster
PeterJohnson · 04/05/2024 08:05

There was no planned end time. I've no idea when they actually finished, when they ran out of drinks?

OP posts:
TuesdayWhistler · 04/05/2024 08:09

PeterJohnson · 04/05/2024 08:05

There was no planned end time. I've no idea when they actually finished, when they ran out of drinks?

That's a bit odd then isn't it?

"Mum there's a party I want to go, starts at 8"
Shouldn't that logically lead at least 3 questions?
"Who is organising it?, where is it?, when does it end?"

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 04/05/2024 08:12

A special event, whenever it finishes. But day to day my 12yo goes to bed at 9pm.

Original poster
PeterJohnson · 04/05/2024 08:12

I was sent the invite by the woman who organises the youth band. I knew who was organising it, what time it started and where it was. They didn't specify an end time and as the majority are adults, I assume it finished very late.

OP posts:
Landlubber2019 · 04/05/2024 08:20

If you were sent the invite, I would have been asking more questions. Where was the party held? Was the venue licenced or did everyone bring their own drinks? You have said a mixed age group, what was the youngest?

Of course your daughter would have wanted to stay no one likes to leave a party early, but at 12 I wouldn't want my kids getting smashed with a bunch of much older kid's!!!

WonderingWanda · 04/05/2024 08:34

I don't think the time is the issue, it's the lack of adult supervision that seems to have arisen that's the problem. Did you speak to the organising adults about finding children on a roof?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 04/05/2024 08:36

No way would I have a 12yr old out past 10pm if my eyes aren’t on them.

WonderingWanda · 04/05/2024 08:37

Oh, I think I've misunderstood. It didn't end at 10, you had no idea when it ended and your dd was supposed to let you know so you could collect her? I think in future I wouldn't be trusting my dd that much and I'd give her a consequence for not calling me and instead indulging in dangerous activities with her mates.

WonderingWanda · 04/05/2024 08:38

If it was a kids event the organising adults should have locked up and made sure all the kids were safely collected though.

therejustbarely · 04/05/2024 08:39

That's not a situation I'd want my 12yo to be in past 9.30 or 10 tbh. The adults present would've been sozzled by that point surely - hence the lack of supervision and roof antics. 10pm is completely reasonable, if not overly generous for a 12yo at a mixed age party where parents aren't present.

Hugosmaid · 04/05/2024 08:39

Eh this is really odd. Where the hell was the child safe guarding.

Party with adults and alcohol but no parents allowed and no pick up time? WTF?

Why on earth did you agree to this? My mind boggles sometimes at the shite on here

therejustbarely · 04/05/2024 08:41

Ah yes, I missed the parents not allowed part. Doesn't make sense.

TuesdayWhistler · 04/05/2024 08:41

Right then so now we have more questions.

Adults arranged the party.
Kids were invited along.

You knew who and where and when it started, but didn't think to ask when it ended.

You mention 'when they ran out of drinks'
So there was presumably alcohol?
You also say parents weren't invited.

sounds like whomever organised this shindig couldn't organise a party in a youth hall and no parent had the bollocks to ask questions?

Very odd.

Without knowing when it finished, I'd be there at 10.30, not to go home necessarily, but to see what the fuck is happening. Sounds a right shit show.

Original poster
PeterJohnson · 04/05/2024 08:41

Party was in the village hall. It didn't occur to me that the children might be allowed alcohol. Fortunately, that was the case. There are 14 children in the youth band, the youngest is 9. 35 adults in the band a couple are parents of a few of the children.

DD wasn't out on the roof, she was inside with an ex-classmate watching her playing (a game DD isn't allowed) on her phone.

OP posts:
TheValueOfEverything · 04/05/2024 08:42

At 12 years old, and given it’s an adult (and youth) party with alcohol, I would have attended with my DD. Ideally I would have brought DH too so we could have a drink and mingle with the adults while DD enjoyed running around with her mates. Then all gone home together.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable though OP nor that it’s a big deal - I had situations like this as a child (youth orchestra, am dram clubs etc), no harm done and always a learning experience!

frozendaisy · 04/05/2024 08:43

I would let a 12 year old out later but this sounds like it had descended into drunk adults, which is fair enough, but no one checking on the kids, hence on the roof of the porch, and I would have been relieved that I dragged my 12 year old out of there because it wasn't going to get any better was it?

I just can't understand why they invited the kids in the first place or didn't say under 16s until 10.30pm say.

Just all seems a bit thrown together with no real thought of the guest list.

Hugosmaid · 04/05/2024 08:46

PeterJohnson · 04/05/2024 08:41

Party was in the village hall. It didn't occur to me that the children might be allowed alcohol. Fortunately, that was the case. There are 14 children in the youth band, the youngest is 9. 35 adults in the band a couple are parents of a few of the children.

DD wasn't out on the roof, she was inside with an ex-classmate watching her playing (a game DD isn't allowed) on her phone.

This is such a huge safeguarding fail OP. Any thing could have happened to her. If you knew all this before hand why did you let her go?

Figgygal · 04/05/2024 08:46

Christ this sounds like an absolute mess
Who was responsible for the kids?
I'd have said 10 originally (have a 12yo myself) but I'd not be letting them go to another one since there seems to have been no supervision

Hugosmaid · 04/05/2024 08:48

I’m assuming the band has a safeguarding officer and policies. I’d be asking to speak to them and what protection they had in place to actually supervise the kids.

TuesdayWhistler · 04/05/2024 08:52

There are 14 children in the youth band, the youngest is 9. 35 adults in the band a couple are parents of a few of the children.

So there were parents there?
But you don't trust them to keep an eye on the kids?
35 adults, some parents to 14 kids.
That's a pretty high ratio of adults to kids.

If It Was a family party, like say your Brothers wedding etc, what time would you have grabbed your daughter and left? 10pm? Would you have a drink or not?

MinervaMcGonagallsCat · 04/05/2024 08:58

10pm

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