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Original poster

If someone left you a video to watch after their death

36 replies

bahhamburgers · 03/05/2024 18:04

How long do you think it would take you to watch it?

My dad died in January. He left dvds that he made to watch after his death, one for me, one for my children (well, the elder two, the youngest was born just after dementia set in, he always thought she was my eldest son returned as a baby).

I know there isn’t one answer for this, but I just can’t face it.

My eldest is 21, he says the same, too soon.

I want to watch some old home videos of when I was a child with my ten year old, but I can’t face those either.

I’ve had these dvds in my possession for 3 years, since he went into a care home with dementia and I always knew he had recorded them, so it’s not been a shock finding them or anything.

Just reading the short letter he left with them is bad enough.

I can’t see a time right now when I’ll be able to face it. He had a horrific, prolonged death, I sat next to him and watched for three days, so I think that all makes it worse. Plus the fact that I already lost him 3 years before he actually died. He would have been healthy when he recorded them.

I’m sat in my office sorting things out and they are staring at me from their box.

OP posts:
BeardedLodger · 03/05/2024 18:08

Sorry for your loss.

There isn't a right or wrong answer, it's when you feel ready.

For me, it would depend on who it was and how I remembered their last few months / years. In your case, probably a very long time.

determinedtomakethiswork · 03/05/2024 18:08

I'm so sorry you lost your dad. I can completely understand you not wanting to pay them yet. Did you have a great relationship with him? What sort of thing do you think he is saying?

azafata2 · 03/05/2024 18:10

Hi

I am so sorry for your loss. Take your time. What a beautiful gesture from your Dad knowing that he would not be able to make them later on. What an amazing thing to do. However he would not want to suffering over this as it was done with love. Virtual Hug.

Original poster
bahhamburgers · 03/05/2024 18:11

determinedtomakethiswork · 03/05/2024 18:08

I'm so sorry you lost your dad. I can completely understand you not wanting to pay them yet. Did you have a great relationship with him? What sort of thing do you think he is saying?

Yes we had a good relationship.

He will probably be taking about money. Infact, I know he would be.

His main pride in life was struggling to hold on to his house and pay off the mortgage (my mum was much younger than him and died very young), so he would have something to leave me. It will be him telling me to be happy with it, to spend it wisely etc.

3 years of care fees obliterated it. Thank god he never knew, he scrimped and saved his whole life.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 03/05/2024 18:12

When you do decide to watch them, it might be very healing 🩷 Don't feel bad about taking your time.

Justcallmelucy · 03/05/2024 18:14

I think it's a nice idea but watch it in your own time. If he has narrated the video or there are clips of him talking I think that's nice to keep as they do say it's people's voice that your memory naturally first forgets when they've gone.

Original poster
bahhamburgers · 03/05/2024 18:14

Justcallmelucy · 03/05/2024 18:14

I think it's a nice idea but watch it in your own time. If he has narrated the video or there are clips of him talking I think that's nice to keep as they do say it's people's voice that your memory naturally first forgets when they've gone.

Oh it will be him taking to camera. 100%

OP posts:
semideponent · 03/05/2024 18:15

You say that just reading the short letter that goes with them is bad enough. I'm sorry.

Do you feel able to say what is so painful about reading the letter? It's hard to get a sense of who your Dad was to you and what it might mean to watch the videos. There could be so many reasons for (wisely) holding back until the time is right and you have the support you need in place to do so - or indeed, for never watching at all.

frozendaisy · 03/05/2024 18:16

I think the time when you feel not watching it will become more overwhelming than not.

Could or would you consider someone more neutral but trusted to watch it first? It might not say anything about money. Then they could let you know if you are ready?

Original poster
bahhamburgers · 03/05/2024 18:19

semideponent · 03/05/2024 18:15

You say that just reading the short letter that goes with them is bad enough. I'm sorry.

Do you feel able to say what is so painful about reading the letter? It's hard to get a sense of who your Dad was to you and what it might mean to watch the videos. There could be so many reasons for (wisely) holding back until the time is right and you have the support you need in place to do so - or indeed, for never watching at all.

It’s hard reading as he’s gone.

Without getting too deep, before he died, I was religious. I thought that there was something after this, that you die and are reunited with family. Something happened as he was dying that made me realise that none of that was true in an instant. I literally went from believing in god and everything to not in a split second. And it’s not just that he died - I watched my mum die when I was a child - something happened which changed me in an instant.

The letter says things like “I will always be with you all” and I know that’s just bollocks now. He’s gone.

OP posts:
TeamPolin · 03/05/2024 18:22

Just do what feels right, when it feels right. Your grief, your rules.

My Mum left me a letter. I've only been able to read it once. I keep it, but I'm not sure I'll ever be able to open it again.

hobblingAway · 03/05/2024 18:25

The letter says things like “I will always be with you all” and I know that’s just bollocks now. He’s gone.

I am not religious and have never been but I think people will always be with you when they die because of your memories. I don't know if reframing what that means to you might give you more peace.

I think watching a video would be hard though but maybe a time will come when you can and want to watch it.

Vastlyoverrated · 03/05/2024 18:27

I think it's fine to leave these things til a time when you are wanting to watch them and if that's never that's never. The main point of those DVDs was for him to say what he wanted to say and to show his care for you, it doesn't matter in a way if you watch it, because the sentiment- that he cared for you, is there.

I haven't done something I 'need' to do in relation to my husband's death but I'm not ready, several years out. It's just the way it is. I like to think he's understand but even if he didn't, I can only go at my own speed.

Just leave them in a safe place for now, and the right time will arise in the future, or it won't, either way it's fine.

EthnoBotanist · 03/05/2024 18:27

I really feel for you. My dad died a year ago. He had dementia and was in a care home. His death was very long and I sat with him while he battled with it. No one else was with me. It was traumatic and my mind returns to it again and again. I planned to visit his grave today but I was awake all night in anticipation of it and couldn’t cope with going in the end. Even though he was 92, had had dementia and he died a year ago it is still raw and painful. I am fine 95 percent of the time but some things are just too hard.

So, I understand why you can’t watch the video right now. It’s not the right time yet, but you will know when it is. It’s a tribute to the strong feelings you have for him that you can’t do it yet. It’s nothing to feel bad about and nothing you should force yourself to do. Reminders of the physicality of a loved one are the hardest to bear, a video is so much more than a mental memory. It’s the sound of their voice, the colour of their eyes, their clothes… Be kind to yourself.

Whatwouldnanado · 03/05/2024 18:27

I know what you mean about faith slipping away. He does go on though, in you and your kids. Remember his good qualities. Keep the videos for another day when you feel more up to it

dontbelievewhatyousee · 03/05/2024 18:28

It’s a personal thing. I’d of watched it very soon after death if I was in your position. I’d want to have it as the last memory and give them the opportunity to tell me one last story.

Candleabra · 03/05/2024 18:29

You’ll know when you’re ready. It might take a long time but you will know. I’m very sorry about your dad. Dementia is a bitch, it robs you of so much.

JemOfAWoman · 03/05/2024 18:34

There's never a right or wrong time. You might decide to h me ever watch them.

My bother died 15 years ago at the age of 50 and my mum had saved a case of his letters to me when he joined the army and was stationed overseas. I was 16 at the time. I read one and my heart broke all over again. They are somewhere safe and I may never look at them again, but I know they are there and that gives me comfort.
Do what feels right for you Flowers

Icanseethebeach · 03/05/2024 18:44

bahhamburgers · 03/05/2024 18:19

It’s hard reading as he’s gone.

Without getting too deep, before he died, I was religious. I thought that there was something after this, that you die and are reunited with family. Something happened as he was dying that made me realise that none of that was true in an instant. I literally went from believing in god and everything to not in a split second. And it’s not just that he died - I watched my mum die when I was a child - something happened which changed me in an instant.

The letter says things like “I will always be with you all” and I know that’s just bollocks now. He’s gone.

Show quote history

But your memory of him will always be with you.

My Mum died in September and I think I’m at peace with it the fact she gone. Like you I was there for the last 3 day only coming home for 90 mins hours eat day to take the kids to school and have a shower. Those last days were awful. And the last few years were damn hard. I don’t think I would be ready to watch a DVD. I’m not sure if I ever would be.

Do it when the time is right. If the time
is right.

Blanketpolicy · 03/05/2024 18:52

The letter says things like “I will always be with you all” and I know that’s just bollocks now. He’s gone.

My mum and dad left great big mum and dad shaped holes in my life, but will also always be with me. Not in a woo sense, but in the memories, the way they raised me, the love they gave me, the values they taught me are from them and they will always be there inside my core. I hear myself saying things to my ds and catching myself when I realise it is their words, their values through me.

Sorry for your loss.

GreenSmithing · 03/05/2024 19:07

I'm sorry for your loss. Double loss, really, because with dementia you lose them while they're still alive.

You don't ever have to watch the video, if you don't want to.

My Dad died of dementia over 10 years ago. I looked back at some of his letters to me recently and wished I hadn't. They weren't a comfort. In retrospect I could see the signs of his illness in letters he had written several years before his diagnosis.

Your Dad recorded the video for his benefit as much as yours, so that he could feel he was leaving you something. It's done that job and I hope it brought him comfort to think so. But you're under no obligation to watch it.

BrendaSmall · 03/05/2024 19:16

At the moment you’re remembering your dad in his last few years of his life, maybe watching the video will bring back happier memories of when the time of your dad’s life was better.
We all deal with things differently, there’s no right way or wrong way, if it was me I’d be watching a video of my dad continuously
You can only do what’s right for you and you will know when the time is right for you

Pashazade · 03/05/2024 19:40

That was my thought too, that if these videos were recorded before the dementia hit that they will give you back your dad as he used to be. Would that help override some of the tougher memories from when he was ill? I think that would be my temptation to watch, but I also know seeing them on screen would be very very hard.

Whataretalkingabout · 03/05/2024 19:52

There is no rush to watch the video OP, but the longer you wait the harder it may be. It depends totally on how you look at it and the story you are telling yourself about it. You might feel some relief to get it over and done with and you will be able to put your mind , and your DF to rest.

Peace.

semideponent · 03/05/2024 20:08

bahhamburgers · 03/05/2024 18:19

It’s hard reading as he’s gone.

Without getting too deep, before he died, I was religious. I thought that there was something after this, that you die and are reunited with family. Something happened as he was dying that made me realise that none of that was true in an instant. I literally went from believing in god and everything to not in a split second. And it’s not just that he died - I watched my mum die when I was a child - something happened which changed me in an instant.

The letter says things like “I will always be with you all” and I know that’s just bollocks now. He’s gone.

Show quote history

Can I suggest a different way of seeing and handling the letter?

Don't fixate on the content. It's probably not really about that, beyond the fact that he shows what he wanted - to be reunited and with you/family.

The tangible reality of the letter and the care he took to leave it with you suggests that, at a deep level, he did know he would go - and really be gone - and wanted to leave you something as a way of remembering him once he was gone. When he wrote it, he may still have been coming to terms with that himself (do any of us ever fully manage that?) in the face of cognitive decline.