If someone left you a video to watch after their death

[bahhamburgers]

How long do you think it would take you to watch it?

My dad died in January. He left dvds that he made to watch after his death, one for me, one for my children (well, the elder two, the youngest was born just after dementia set in, he always thought she was my eldest son returned as a baby).

I know there isn’t one answer for this, but I just can’t face it.

My eldest is 21, he says the same, too soon.

I want to watch some old home videos of when I was a child with my ten year old, but I can’t face those either.

I’ve had these dvds in my possession for 3 years, since he went into a care home with dementia and I always knew he had recorded them, so it’s not been a shock finding them or anything.

Just reading the short letter he left with them is bad enough.

I can’t see a time right now when I’ll be able to face it. He had a horrific, prolonged death, I sat next to him and watched for three days, so I think that all makes it worse. Plus the fact that I already lost him 3 years before he actually died. He would have been healthy when he recorded them.

I’m sat in my office sorting things out and they are staring at me from their box.

I’m sorry you’ve essentially lost your dad twice. Once would be enough for anyone.

However, if I was in your position, I’d watch it sooner rather than later. It took planning and he had something to tell you. I think the longer you wait, the harder it will get.

Deep breath. I wish you well.

Sorry, I realise I've morphed from video to letter there. Sorry.

When you feel ready, i think i would start with the sound OFF and see how you feel with the just the images.

Yes that might be a good idea.

I have loads of dreams where he’s speaking normally. The last 3 years he was confused, which turned to gibberish and then to mostly silence. I keep dreaming that he’s in another room, and I can hear speaking to someone like he used to and I remark to dh, “wow, isn’t it great that he’s back to normal again”. Then I realise he’s dead and I wake up.

I think hearing his voice, how he was pre dementia would be the hardest bit.

And I am so sorry for the other posters who have sat with a parent in their last few days. I was alone too, bar his last hour when my children and dh were there.

Everyone is so different. I am caring for a parent with dementia and seeing the last few bits of them being extinguished. I wish they were the sort of person to make a video like that. To me it would feel like being able to have one last bit of time with the real them, because so many of my memories of them are now the Alzheimer's version of them

I'm sorry for your loss OP.

I have a similar thing in that I had some photos of us as a family professionally taken when my daughter was born and I have never looked at them. She died unfortunately and I can't bring myself to look at them now. I'm glad I have them but I think it would be very upsetting to see them and take me to a dark place. I think there is also the angle that I know they're the last "new"photos I will ever get. It has been five years.

Try not to put any pressure on yourself. Can it bring you some comfort just knowing they are there?

Oh I am so sorry, that’s just heartbreaking.

I can't really relate so can't help. I'm sorry you're facing this. Mine died when I was a young teen and I crave anything of him. It was a time before digital cameras and memory boxes and acknowledgment of childhood bereavement so I have his signature in an autograph book and a coat I can't let go of.
I've had a whole life time with my mum though. I don't know that I would need a video tbh

@bahhamburgers could a trusted friend watch the dvd? Then give you the broad outline, ie money and his love for you.

im sorry for your loss... if it helps, my DD's lost their dad last year too a 2 year battle with heart failure.

prior to being ill, his work was highlighted on a TV show and he appeared on this show a couple of times (no not famous or anything like that).

they knew a certain episode was devoted to him and had a small clip recorded on a mobile phone which they cherish.

my husband, their step dad spent about 11 hours one day going through every episode of the progrgamme and found the one episode, saved it and gave it to the girls.

they treasure this episode and the reason, because its their dad, fit and well and how they want to remember him, not the ill, tired and broken man they watched die.

It’s very hard OP, take your time. My dad has dementia and a few weeks back my mum asked me to try and find an email from a few years back to show she had transferred some money. I dug back through my emails four years ago and found my competent dad emailing me about account numbers, witty as ever, ending with a joke. It made me cry and cry to think that’s how he was just four years ago and now he is not the same at all. I think you are holding off watching because it’s too painful to see how he was and how he ended up? Would some therapy help?