Friend snitched on other friend.

[ohdeariedoo]

Name changed for this one.

Friend A, let's call her Dierdre, was annoyed with friend B, let's call her Helen, for something she was going to do, which wasn't really anything to do with Diedre, but Diedre felt it was.

Diedre snitched on Helen to mutual place, where we all know each other from, for what Helen was going to do, and Helen saw her doing it. Helen got into trouble. Before this happened Diedre started a pile on towards Helen in group whatsapp and lots of people jumped on after Diedre started pushing Helen to not do the thing she wanted to do.

It wasn't a bad thing Helen was doing, but it made other people feel uncomfortable. Think a small rule broken- maybe as trivial as jumping over the train station toilet turnstiles when you're completely out of change, and desperate for the loo, and everyone tutting at you. But because of Diedre snitching to place which took rule very seriously, Helen ended up humiliated. Helen was really upset by whole thing. I'm quite friendly with everyone in group setting, as is Diedre, but Helen is quite nervous and withdrawn.

I am friendly with both Helen and Diedre, and know that Helen is very vulnerable for multiple reasons. I spoke up for Helen in the group after the pile-on, and said it shouldn't have gone that far, and I probably have to face Diedre soon, in group setting. Diedre doesn't know that I know that she snitched, and doesn't know that Helen knows, but is usually quite honest about what she has done, as she has complained about other people before. But she knows I spoke up about Helen's treatment by her and others in whatsapp group. Problem is, she doesn't know the consequences of what happened to Helen when she got into trouble for it.

So sorry if this is complicated, but even one detail would be completely outing!

Did you have a question or are you just spilling tea :) (not complaining just curious!)

Diedre sounds mean!

Just sort of spilling the tea I guess, and trying to get my head around it. What to do next- anyone been in similar etc. Open to all feedback- as long as it's not critical of my confusing story- as I'm well aware it's confusing 😂

I'm team C. Let's call her Melanie.

Mel C?

Tell Deirdre that everyone knows she snitched, Helen got caught and is mortified (vulnerable is not your detail to share) and very upset by it all.
And that you think she should have minded her own business and should apologise.
Job done.

Deirdre sounds robust enough to take it.

Next time I see Diedre is at a special event, so can't bring it up there, as there'll be an atmosphere. Don't think I'll bump into her before that. Yeah I think she is robust enough to handle it. Question is, am I robust enough to handle D arguing back her point forcibly on me.

Sounds like you have done a good job so far of sticking up for your friend so think you can take D! Your position sounds robust and even if you don’t give her all the details you should be inwardly confident that you can at least provide a fair perspective. Sounds like D could use reminding that everyone could use the benefit of doubt/ compassion sometimes.

I wouldn't want anything to do with Deirdre, she's a bully. I'd tell her why, special event or not. Not loudly, just actually I think that was out of order.

I would ask Helen if she wants it raised again or if she'd rather it just die down. Addressing it with Deirdre may prompt her to reignite the whole issue to Helen's detriment.

Can't read it cause nobody is called Diedre.

If Helen got in trouble for it, it can’t be that innocuous of a thing.

Sounds like a story my 12 year old tells me when I ask how was your day.

I'd do what you think Deidre should have done and keep out of it. Helen knows the full story. Telling Deidre more about what followed on from her snitching will only add fuel to it. You've stuck up for Helen in the group chat (and privately messaged her your support?) I personally think that's enough.

Helen shouldn't break rules, or at least shouldn't boast about planning to break rules. Rookie mistake. Deidre sounds mean but yoy can hardly think she should have minded her own business then wade into this yourself. Quite hypocritical. If you like Helen, spend time with her being a good friend.

😆

It depends on what it was

But it can't be really like jumping the toilet payment because you're desperate, That's a spur of the moment thing, because you didn't plan for it. She clearly was planning it if she was telling people that she was going to do it. She's also clearly been doing it lots of times if she got into trouble. So on that alone it's like her never paying for the toilet when the rest of you are.
Also if the others were vocal about her not doing it, then they clearly didn't think it was a little unimportant thing too.

But if you're complaining about snitching, equally well Helen obviously snitched to you about seeing Deirdre telling on her, to try and get you to turn against Deirdre.
So on that one they're equal.
You've written this to try and make us feel sorry for poor shy Helen, but she sounds manipulative.

It's complete nonsense over nonsense.

It's Helen issue to sort out with Deidre

There's sometimes a difference between being doing what's right according to the rules and doing what's morally right.

Like if a starving person steals a loaf of bread, it's breaking the rules. Preventing the theft and allowing the person to starve isn't breaking rules but it's wrong.

I've been in Helen's situation where I unthinkingly broke a rule and did something I wasn't supposed to. (Not something that was illegal or caused anyone harm in any way ). Someone reported me and the fallout was massive. In the end, the person hurt most by the aftermath was probably the person who reported me. It definitely made me do lots of thinking about whether it's more important to "be right" or to "do right"'

I couldn't be friends with someone who started a pile on, what a bitchy thing to do. Deidre is a shit stirrer.

If that happened to me, I would avoid that snitch, and be dry towards her when we're together.

They will all grow up at some point, look back on this and cringe.

So Helen did a little illegal thing and derdre reported it?

Impossible to advise without knowing the thing Helen was going to do as it may have really been against someone's core beliefs etc
Theft / neglect / fraud, etc

Nothing to that level- just a very small thing. Think a post lockdown rule brought in, expect we aren't in a pandemic, so no-one at risk, and it didn't involve a contagious disease.