Friend snitched on other friend.

[ohdeariedoo]

Name changed for this one.

Friend A, let's call her Dierdre, was annoyed with friend B, let's call her Helen, for something she was going to do, which wasn't really anything to do with Diedre, but Diedre felt it was.

Diedre snitched on Helen to mutual place, where we all know each other from, for what Helen was going to do, and Helen saw her doing it. Helen got into trouble. Before this happened Diedre started a pile on towards Helen in group whatsapp and lots of people jumped on after Diedre started pushing Helen to not do the thing she wanted to do.

It wasn't a bad thing Helen was doing, but it made other people feel uncomfortable. Think a small rule broken- maybe as trivial as jumping over the train station toilet turnstiles when you're completely out of change, and desperate for the loo, and everyone tutting at you. But because of Diedre snitching to place which took rule very seriously, Helen ended up humiliated. Helen was really upset by whole thing. I'm quite friendly with everyone in group setting, as is Diedre, but Helen is quite nervous and withdrawn.

I am friendly with both Helen and Diedre, and know that Helen is very vulnerable for multiple reasons. I spoke up for Helen in the group after the pile-on, and said it shouldn't have gone that far, and I probably have to face Diedre soon, in group setting. Diedre doesn't know that I know that she snitched, and doesn't know that Helen knows, but is usually quite honest about what she has done, as she has complained about other people before. But she knows I spoke up about Helen's treatment by her and others in whatsapp group. Problem is, she doesn't know the consequences of what happened to Helen when she got into trouble for it.

So sorry if this is complicated, but even one detail would be completely outing!

You say that the next time you're due to meet Deirdre is at an event but you feel that you can't mention it when you're there.

You definitely can mention it to Deirdre when you're at the event. When you're catching up with Deirdre, just drop in that you heard that Helen was very upset and was humiliated by what Deirdre did and you felt that it was above and beyond what was actually necessary given the situation.

Too much time will have passed probably by the time you all meet up again so I would be of the opinion that you should mention it to Deirdre when you see her again.

Was it Deirdre's place to mention the potential infringement/rule breaking? It seems like the Pre-Crime Division was up and running there. I mean if Helen actually hadn't done anything and Deirdre was saying that she might do something but in the end didn't, then I think that is more like Deirdre was being a tattle tale and not being helpful. I also think that if that is what happened, then Helen needs to get a bit tougher too - as she hadn't done anything at that point and it was all hearsay.

Unless you can go in strong and put D in her place and take whatever comes back at you, then I suggest you leave it alone.

D sounds like a vile woman who thinks she has friends but in all honesty people just don't want to get on the wrong side of her so fall in line in pursuit of her next victim.

She's the proverbial school gobshite that threw her weight around and has carried that behaviour into her adult life. A bully is what she is

Do actually want to be associated with someone like that?

Keep the knowledge of what she did in your back pocket. Karma will come for her.

In the meantime, I'd seriously consider your friendships and that includes the wider group members.

But clearly it's something that the people affected take very seriously, otherwise Helen wouldn't have got into trouble. Is it still a criminal offence, like the gate-jumping example you gave in your OP?

Is it like walking on the grass when there's a keep of the grass notice? Or more like using someone else's membership card to get into a gym? Or taking food for lunch from an all you can eat breakfast buffet? I am overly invested in what Helen did.

The snitching makes me nostalgic for old gin

I think you should wait until the dinner ladies are distracted, and then make a circle around Deidre in the playground and spin around her chanting “Snitches get stit-ches, snitches get stiiiit-ches…” over and over. And then tell her she’s not allowed to play with you anymore and definitely isn’t invited to your birthday party, and that you’re having a bouncy castle and everything.

I think as long as you don’t take your own Tupperware to an all you can eat breakfast whatever you can fit in your pockets for lunch is fair game.

TBh it is hard to say much without knowing the specifics which you don’t want to share. But personally I loathe the use of the word snitching. We aren’t at primary school.

OP you’re clearly Team Helen and consider D at fault but just for comparison purposes the Team Diedre view would be

• helen was intentionally going to be breaking a rule
• this was going to upset other people and D felt it important to try and stop his happening
• helen wouldn’t listen when asked not to
• the organisation whose rule she intended to break did consider it important
• Helen should accept the consequences of her own making rather than whining about “snitching” and if she is mortified so be it

I’d question why you feel the need to do anything? Don’t be a rescuer. It’ll bounce back on you.

it’s up to the person snitched on to do or say something. Support her. Don’t do it yourself.

You all sound like hard work

I want to know what the broken rule is....

Jesus, why didn’t you name your ’friends’ Friend D and Friend H if you’re going to refer to them by their first initial anyway? Or maybe provide a key:

Friend A = Dierdre = D

Yes! Could the people inventing names for their friends not massacre the spelling?

Question is, am I robust enough to handle D arguing back her point forcibly on me.

You don't need to discuss it, you don't need to entertain it. You feel that she should be aware that she has really upset someone inadvertently or intentionally. You're not interested in the rights and wrongs of it and have no intention of discussing it further other than to say that there have been consequences for Helen at a time when she could have done without it. It's widely know that it was down to her and you felt she should be aware in case she wanted to try to smooth things over.

Be firm. Or say nothing at all.

I'm firmly of the opinion that passivity gives people tacit approval of their bullying. You can speak up for your friend in a nice constructive way and step back out of it. It's not a playground, it doesn't have to be a taking sides matter.

So do I!

I think Dierdre is a self-righteous bitch though. Team Helen all the way!

Nothing to that level-just a very small thing.

If it was a very small thing, nobody would give a shit, people wouldn’t pile on and Deirdre would be humiliated.

I'd avoid the lot of them and buy a cat, sounds like far too much hard work.

Deidre is a nasty piece of work. I'd have nothing more to do with her.

was it flushing one of the younger kids' heads down the loo? and did someone snitch to a teacher?

What are your options OP? Because your story is confusing without knowing what actually happened so it’s hard to know how strongly you feel about it iyswim

Why would you get involved at all?

Aren’t these two grown women able to decide for themselves how they hash out a disagreement?

You and Helen obviously don’t think much of the rule, but it sounds like plenty of people in the group, including Deidre and whoever is in charge, do still think it’s important. Why do you think it’s okay to try and bully Deidre into taking a step back on something she feels is important?

You’ve already said in your online group that you thought things went to far - which is not something Helen could have done as effectively - and that’s a good way to try to put the breaks on something that’s becoming a pile on. But it’s different to wading into to a 1:1 situation and tellling someone off for doing something they’re obviously entitled to do, even if you don’t approve of it. Let Helen handle it if she wants to.

Is Mumsnet accepting posts from primary school children now?