Does your past DV still affect you.

[earther]

Hi mum netters ive been reading on here but cant really find what im looking for so thought id start a new thread.
As the title says if you have gone through domestic violence and come through the other side does it still affect you in some ways or even years later.

I have habits that I have as a result from being in a DV relationship 7 years ago. I am apologetic to my (new) husband for everything. I realise I don't need to be, as soon as I say it. Eg, I'll ask him for help, like reaching for something of the top of the kitchen units, he doesn't hesitate to do so but I'll still say sorry.
If I tell him I am not in the mood for sex, don't feel well, tired etc.. he will tell me it's fine no problem. I'll instantly feel bad and try and convince him I'm ok to have sex so I don't disappoint him. He's happy to snuggle and chat but I feel like I've let him down.
I still ask for permission. To have a bath. Watch a programme, to phone my parents. I know I don't need to but It's a habit after being in a DV situation for 14 years.

I left my DV ex 9 months ago and it is definitely still affecting me. For a start, he is trying to abuse me via the kids. But just the trauma of all those years of living with him will I think take me some while to get over.

Much of what you have said i do the same but i stayed single after 10 years of abuse the most awful things were done to me.
I dont like noise crowds loud men/women even children startle me.

Yes and no.

I have still strangely never dropped my routine of tidying up and making things look nice about the time abusive ex would get home, and still catch myself going out of my way to avoid conflict. I jump at loud noises and sudden movements, all of which were the start of my abusive ex going at me.

I was upfront with STBXH about my history with abusive ex - I had just about got over some of my issues when he left me, and it's set me back quite a bit. It took a long time for me to trust another man, and I won't be doing it ever again. In leaving, and since he left, he has been abusive in other ways.

@CleanShirt I hate conflict myself and will go out my way to avoid it.
Same as you i will remain single.

i don't think you ever get over actual domestic violence! i've been a survivor now for 20 years, and i still flich at a raised hand! (for example, my hubby might be stood beside me pegging out washing, and if his arm goes up in my peripheral vision, i'll flinch... just to clarify i dont mean hubby hitting me)i still cannot bear to be in the same room as drunk males. i still even now, even though i know my husband will simply not argue with me, will push and push and push, purely because its better to get the arguement out of the way to move back into the honeymoon stage. i cannot sit in a room with my back to the room, i have to have my back to a wall so i can see whats coming, and i constantly, even now check a room or crowd for my ex!

my husband now is well aware of my past.. he completely understands and gets it..

if we ever did see my ex (i have never seen him since the day i fled) he has admitted he would kill him.

this comment will not go down well, but until you have actaully suffered domestic violence you can never understand it. i still wonder now, all these years later how i got myself in that situation, especially given my job! it makes you feel stupid and small.

i have a tattoo on my back, i was made to have it, physically held down and given it... i cant see it, but i know its there and its my reminder that im still alive

35 years later and still having counselling.
I'm paying for a private psychiatrist at the moment.. because he got released from jail for attempted murder after throwing me under a moving bus and left me seriously disabled.. and tried to contact me last year.
Had EMDR for PTSD.

Omg thats awful.

Mine was over 30 years ago and I can't believe that was my life. I was like a different person then. I was so lucky to escape from him, yet things he said and did to me still pop into my head at times. I sometimes feel like a second class citizen, which is exactly how he wanted me to feel. I found out he had died a few years ago and I felt absolutely nothing. I actually got messages of sympathy from certain members of my family who'd seen it on Facebook. They said I must feel "torn" about his death and were shocked when I insisted I felt absolutely nothing, as if, just because he'd died fairly young, it immediately wiped out all he did to me and I should forgive him.

Until you have actaully suffered domestic violenceyou can never understand it.
This stands out to me a lot when i read something like he called me a name is this abuse.
Well yes it is abuse comes in all forms.
But when you have been battered and made to do the unthinkables.
And left with a body of scars and afraid of everything and still sleep with a night light on when your in your 40s cameras at every angle of your home its something else.

hugs x

After 20 odd yrs of mental and physical abuse I still suffer. EUBPD, PTSD AND CLINICAL DEPRESSION. I still blame myself, not confident in my looks or myself. Find it hard to be with someone else even if they are nice. Still miss my abuser I know I am nit normal. Does anyone else feel this way. Have tried counselling of various sorts but so upsetting and traumatising

It’s 20 years since I left him. I still have an over the top startle response, and I guess I always will. A subsequent relationship didn’t work out because I was super sensitive about anything that might possibly hint of coercion, and also because there actually was coercion and gaslighting. I’ve been living alone happily for the past 10+ years and nothing on earth would persuade me to have another intimate relationship with a man. So yeah, I’m still affected, but startle response aside, not necessarily negatively. Living alone is a joy.

40 years later its made me into a very hard and distrustful person who won't take any shit from men whatsoever either at work or in my personal life. I look at men and wonder if they would turn my life upside down.
I feel like they are animals who can suddenly turn nasty for no reason.
But then it wasn't just a husband it was my father as well.

Interesting to read about the startle response. I still jump out of my skin at slight sounds. I avoid conflict and drunk people (the latter are almost repulsive to me which probably doesn't make me popular in a drink obsessed culture). I am still after 24 years grateful to have money of my own, to be able to walk down the street and speak to people, go out, eat etc. The pp who said you have to experience DV to understand is right. No amount of reading about it etc can really make you feel that fear. It's my freedom anniversary in a week. Next year will be a quarter of a century 😱

I left an abusive relationship 26 years ago and it feels like a different life now. It's not something I think about or affects my identity or behaviour now. I've had several good relationships since then, including my current marriage of 13 years, DH is great and I'm not fearful of him in any way, or go out of my way to avoid conflict with him.
I think I'm probably a bit more alert/cautious about certain behaviours in people but that's less of a traumatic response and more about learning about human nature - I have a healthy scepticism about people in general.

No. I'm past that now. I do have a lingering fear about not having money, though, from the same part of my life.

Yes! Just boundary setting and giving myself permission to do right by me is really hard (but getting better). And I just can’t be around men too long. I’ve had workmen in for weeks and just that coarse, masculine buzz coming off of them totally destabilises me. I have to really have a word with myself. It’s definitely a me problem that I’m working on. I can’t tar men with my ex’s brush. It’s so hard not to though. Men give off a very difficult and stressful energy. And I kiss their asses and am too nice to men for fear they’ll not show up to finish the painting for example or turn nasty or difficult or combative. If I’m nice they’ll cooperate and won’t harm me, is what my stupid ass of a brain keeps forcing me to believe. I hate being me sometimes. I have no trust in anyone and that’s a terribly sad feeling. I hate my ex for putting all of this inside of me.

It’s only 2 1/2 years since I was freed! So I’m still raw.

I expect people to be horrid.

I’m in a newish relationship. He gets it. Asks to hold my hand, he’s kind, he’s does what he says. He checks consent a lot, he is loyal and kind and thoughful. He holds my hand. He kisses me on the forehead. He makes me tea. He doesn’t and will not ignore me, raise his voice or anything. If I’m having a bad work day he says ‘do you want to talk? Can I do anything. That sucks’ etc

It’s A few months in but I’m waiting for him to turn my ex ot was red flags at 3 months. But I didn’t see them until after. Looking for red flags where there are none

I grew up with a father who liked to communicate with his fists.

I'm 60 now and single. I could never allow a man to share my home. Except DS of course 🤗

Could never marry. Far too great a risk.

Just reading this one and I actually do this and I haven't been involved with a DV relationship. I think I do this because I had a rather inconsistent upbringing from my parents. They are wonderful and lovely people but I was always nervous of their extreme mood swings (probably money related worried), and so I think I've become a people pleaser and I apologise for everything.
Apologies I know this is about DV specifically, but maybe that might help people realise it's not a behaviour specific to that kind of past maybe..?

And I just apologised! Point proven!

My DV happened over 20 years ago and nothing to extent some of you have experienced, but I loved him with all my heart and Ive never allowed myself to feel like that again. Walls went up that have never come down. Im also financially independent. DH and I only have a joint mortgage account, I need to know that should things go bad I can support myself.

I'm sorry that happened and that you are still feeling the consequences.

My then-husband tried to kill me in 1986. He pinned me to the floor, knelt on my upper arms and tried to strangle me to death.

No, I'm not 'over it'.