Does your past DV still affect you.

[earther]

Hi mum netters ive been reading on here but cant really find what im looking for so thought id start a new thread.
As the title says if you have gone through domestic violence and come through the other side does it still affect you in some ways or even years later.

I have remained single now for 3 years. I don’t know how to move on.

i was with a Jekyll and Hyde character who made my life hell. This was only for 2 years but the impact remains and though day to day I enjoy my life, have a nice life and family, I was previously one of life’s really happy go lucky people who just enjoyed life, now it’s like my light has gone out. I’m here, I’m living a nice life, but the sparkle has been extinguished inside me, and as I can’t put my finger on what’s missing I don’t know how to get it back. I’m sad inside and just feel a bit different to others but can’t explain why!

Yes. I still get very, very anxious when he contacts me, which is rare.
So this week I'm on holiday, which he knows and our 15 year old is being looked after by my best friend/ my mum/ my sister. It's a holiday for someone's big birthday and it's been planned a year. Im in Spain and fully contactable. My son is fine with the arrangements and is being cooked for/ taken out for dinner and taken to his clubs etc.
His dad messaged me earlier saying. Who is looking after him since you are away?
He was told the arrangements when they were made, our son would have told him, he could have helped out himself but chose not to. It made me very anxious when he asked about arrangements today and I think he will report me to social services etc as that's what he is like.
It's illogical because if he did report me to social services they would absolutely not care. Woman gone away for the first time for a week without 15 year old. He is left in the safe hands of relatives and is being spoilt. It's a non issue but him mentioning it makes me worry.

He is vicious so anything about him makes me really, nervous. I assume someone who hasn't been through what I have would just assume he had forgotten who was looking after our child and would just repeat "he is with auntie S on this night, gran on this night etc." and not worry about it.

I put the work in on a Women's Aid course for survivors of abuse. I remain suspicious of men and their intentions. I choose to be single and can't see that changing seven years on.

I left a domestic abusive relationship 15 years ago when I was 21. I went straight into dating and met my now husband a year later. I think I suppressed a lot 10 happy years went by I didn't think of my ex or anything that happened much. But then when I turned 30 it was like the floodgates opened. He is doing well now and he reached out asking for and showing forgiveness. I then found him back in my head and missing him as I did love him so much. That toxic love is so addictive. It is probably still control so to that regard it still affects me. I don't so much ruminate about the cheating, violence etc but I am more affected by how much I don't understand why he treated me the way he did and threw what we had away and feel like although I am glad he is not in my life I wish it could of worked out. I know that seems messed up but I think that it is the sometimes lesser spoken about effects of such an unhealthy and abusive relationship. The trauma bond. I just wish I could forget everything again. I hope one day I will. Maybe that's what they mean when they say it always stays with you. It's like a curse.

Yes.

I have anxiety and also when I am in a situation that reminds me of him I dissociate. That means my conscious brain gets switched off and my unconscious brain dies what it needs to to keep me safe which is fortunately mostly flight.

The dissociative problem is likely to never go away although it is decreasing as I feel safer.

There's no real treatment.

Yes I have anxiety and will be on ADs for life.

i am 9 years out and won’t have another relationship. I just couldn’t. I like my house and my life. I absolutely could not share it with another man. It was such a battle to get here.

It’s been a lot easier since dd completely cut contact. She hasn’t seen him for 4 years but recently also blocked him. DD has worked out we both have complex ptsd. She is worse than me for reacting to shouting etc. I had a very bad day after she shouted some insults at me (teenager) and it triggered me a bit.

sometimes I dream that I see him or am with him and it makes me feel physically ill when I wake.

there are some positives. DD wanted to go to Paris and I said I couldn’t as I had a horrible holiday with him there. But she told me to reclaim it , so we went, and it worked!! We now plan to do that with a few places. It’s like it covered over all the memories

My DD is awesome.

I feel uneasy in a small room if someone else enters and closes the door and as well as this I am staying single because I just can't trust in any relationship again, certainly not a randomer. It would have to be with someone who knows or is related to people I already know...even then they still might turn out to be abusive

It did for a while. Couldn't watch Eastenders for all the shouting. Thinking deliberately picked calm, chilled non argumentative DP for those qualities. He's no pushover and has excellent boundaries but is very calm and reasonable in enforcing them