11 year old DD wants to lose weight

[Corwen]

I'd like to approach this with as much care and advice as possible. DD wants to 'get thinner'. I don't know her weight/ height or BMI and I don't want to weigh her right now but she is wearing plus size school clothes and is quite chubby. I would say it's got to a point where it's making her less active and is a bit of a vicious circle.

My first thought and the first thing I said was that she is perfect as she is and that we must be careful if she does lose some weight to do it in a healthy way. I told her she's beautiful exactly as she is.

Dd has always loved food and has always eaten with great enjoyment. She likes cooking, watching cookery programmes, and she hates to feel she's missing out. She has an older brother who doesn't like many foods, is skinny and also growing fast and needs a lot of carbs as carbs are the main foods he will eat. This leads to dd eating too many carbs as I can't easily treat them differently without her getting upset.

I have been concerned about DD's weight for a while but attempts to give her a healthier diet and more exercise (whilst never mentioning my concerns) have only led her to feel she is being treated unfairly and have led her to eat in secret. To address that I have tried to increase her protein and fruit and veg intake so she feels fuller and I have stopped trying to limit intake so much as it was having the opposite effect- making her find ways of getting more food constantly.

This is the first time she has mentioned her weight and wanting to do something about it. I am aware of the danger of eating disorders and this is uppermost in my mind due to a young girl I know being in hospital currently with anorexia. However I know childhood obesity is not ideal ether.

I am reluctant to make a GP appt as I don't want her to think there is a big 'problem'.

I can't currently find a form of exercise she enjoys but I know this would be the first thing to look at.

We struggle to improve the diet and exercise for the whole family due to the fact we have an extremely picky eater and we are very busy with work and extra curriculars that are much loved and can't be scaled back easily.

Advice and experiences welcome.

If she wants snacks what is she taking? Having some cut up carrots, cucumber, peppers etc ready to grab and go might help. Letting her no what she can help herself to and what she can't.

Try changing your crockery so you eat from smaller plates with the choice of seconds but without it already being served up.
If there is a set time when she's looking for snacks maybe fill that time with an activity, or glass of water or milk instead.
Look at where else she is getting food from, shops, grandparents, taking money to school to buy from student 'wholesalers'. What she's eating at home sounds substantial but not unhealthy, unless the portions are huge. You can add a garden salad to most meals, you can eat a lot of lettuce/cucumber/tomatoes to fill you up but not impact weight.

It is great that she feels she can talk to you. I think she needs a proper discussion on how she is a different person to her brother and that their bodies have different needs. Her diet does seem quite pasta heavy. Can lunches include something like a live yoghurt and piece of fruit instead of dried fruit? Definitely look at portion sizes of the carb heavy meals, she doesn't need it. Also feeding her different things to her brother.

Also, are there things you can do to boost movement like walking to school, shops etc, so it doesn't have to be an organised class? Or something like borrow my doggie once a week if she likes animals? Not so much to lose weight through exercise, but to reduce time for grazing and just sitting. If you have any garden space to grow a few veggies, that might also interest her.

Regarding the secret eating - what is she eating and where is she getting it from?

Is she eating because she’s hungry, or is it something else?

I agree her meals sound good in theory, but there is a lot of food. A cooked breakfast and then a hot lunch isn’t really necessary, are there other alternatives for breakfast? Natural yoghurt and honey for example, or she could bake some healthy breakfast muffins on a weekend to last the week? It does seem daunting but small changes will make all the difference.

From that, yesterday she had 4 meals + snacks :

breakfast, massive pasta lunch, pasta salad, salad + runny egg.

exercise will be good but you cannot outrun a bad diet.

From the sound of it it’s not necessarily what she’s eating but the fact that’s she’s eating far too much.

i also agree with the others; you need to be singling out your DS so he eats differently to the rest of you, not that you just eat his restricted diet.

Definitely drop the fried breakfast every morning, that's not healthy. I know you said Saturday is not your normal but she ate 4 meals plus snacks. What she's eating sounds healthy enough but the amount of food is clearly way too much.

At her age she should be able to understand "your brother needs to eat more/differently as he is bigger than you". Does she understand that being hungry is ok/normal? Your Saturday m&S pasta salad for example - if I had really fancied that I'd have bought it and taken it home to have for dinner. Not eaten that and then gone home and had dinner too.

I was similar to your daughter as a child and at 10/11 I went through a particularly chubby stage just as I was full of hormones and my body was changing a lot. Instill healthy habits to your family now but don’t focus on losing weight. She will always remember how she is treated in this stage and I think you’re doing the right thing not taking her to the GP. You could contact them or the school nursing team for advice on how to deal with it. Also model positive self image yourself- don’t critique your own body in front of her or tell her you’re being ‘good’ about eating. She’ll get there and you sound like a lovely mum

My teen girls 15 and 17 and I eat all our meals on breakfast plates. They either have no breakfast or yogurt fruit and muesli. Wrap or sandwich at lunch. After school snack pitta / halloumi / avocado / tomatoes/salmon cucumber. Normal dinner but on small plate. One small pudding sometimes. Dance and gym. Both very aware of fitness and how not to get fat one does dance and goes to gym twice a week. Both slim and healthy.

As she is interested in food then actually look at research together around carbs and why they should be a much smaller part of her diet.

Look at the programmes on reversing diabetes.

Look at her height versus DB and his activity levels plus how kids grow in spurts. Also the "unfairness" that makes can eat more than females and be healthy.

You can also explain that she doesn't need to lose weight as she will grow taller just to start eating healthier now.

Also look at fitness, ways she can think to be less sedentary.

She can start researching lower carb meals etc.

DD is the same age. She got weighed and measured recently and she’s overweight. She’s tall for her age too though. She was offered a place through local services which is activity based for the kids and education for parents. I gave up dieting several years ago - it was futile - and started powerlifting/strength training instead. I said when we signed up I didn’t want to expose her to any “diet talk” and they explained that’s not their approach.
What we’ve been taught is about how to change to healthy habits, how to demonstrate them ourselves. The coach has talked about how to introduce more fruit and veg, the value of adding in protein, how to encourage exercising. Also interesting that she said look at the ‘Eat well’ info but said absolutely not to ‘low fat’ anything. It’s been helpful and DD has been enjoying the activity.
OP in your position, I would gently tweak her portion sizes. I’ve done things like making the nutritious snacks easily accessible (fruit in a fruit bowl, baby tomatoes washed and ready to eat, snack cucumbers out) and the sugary stuff still in reach (not gate keeping it but not the first thing she sees). Finding an activity she loves would be ideal, then she can eat to fuel the exercise, but it’s finding the right thing.

Ditch the shit vegan sausages, stop the bear yoyo (just replace that with an actual piece of fruit!), she didn't need crisps AND chocolate rice cakes, make her choose 1.

Breakfast could be; poached egg on toast. Plain yoghurt and some berries if she's still hungry.

Lunch and dinner, you need to check the portion sizes basically!

She had 3 meals plus snacks. Just in a different order. (Snack, breakfast (pack up), snack, snack, lunch (pasta salad), dinner (eggs and asparagus)

But the snacks were junk for sure.
½ a brioche, 3 chocolate rice cakes, a packet of crisps.

She probably didn't even need the snacks. Just a habit (we have crisps on Saturdays!)

I think you have to be open with her that her brother’s diet isn’t healthy and is due to his own sensory issues. Instead of it being her who can’t eat what her brother has, present it as her brother who can’t eat the healthy balance that the rest of you are eating. Privately of course.

Agree that the quantity of food just sounds too much tbh. More protein isn’t a magic fix by itself - people trying to lose weight eat higher protein so that they can feel full on smaller meals and avoid snacking. It’s no good adding protein but still having multiple meals/large portions/snacks.

Turn this around.

Cook smaller healthier meals for the whole family.
Cook pasta / carbs etc ONLY for the ASD brother - this makes her meals normal. He has a reason for his 'special diet'.

Buy new smaller plates because you 'fancied a change' - portion sizes will be smaller. Brother can have his pasta in a bowl!

Does she know much about why her brother needs to eat differently? If not then I think she's old enough to learn.
Full-fat greek yoghurt with fruit is a nice breakfast, especially in the warmer months. Can you try different carbs instead of the pasta? It's harder to compare to her brother then.

Why is she having so many cooked meals? There's no need for it really. I have 3 DC, theyre all very slim. They have cereal or toast for breakfast. Wrap and some crisps for lunch and then something like a jacket spud/spag bol/roast for tea. They'll have an ice lolly or yoghurt for pudding. Probably a biscuit bar or something before bed. It seems far too much food.

We have always said in our house to our children who are unique and completely different from each other- it will be different but it is always fair.

You Dd needs to understand her brothers food needs are totally different to hers. Shes old enough to understand that if explained.

id say she’s eating lots of good food but a lot of it. Cooked breakfast pasta lunch and pasta dinner with lots of vege is ALOT.

BREAKFAST
egg and soldiers

lunch
smaller pasta salad with lots of vegetables, some carrot sticks, baby orange, small seeet treat

dinner
lentil Dahl, tofu stir fry, fried rice

just make it a smaller portion. Water only. No juices or squash.

also exercise is such a small part of weight loss, although excellent for overall health and mental heath wellbeing.

That is not a very healthy mindset to be in imo. It is quite normal for one or even two meals to be on the smaller side (eg her brioche bun breakfast). There's no need to add in an extra meal later in the day to make up for it. I used to often have a brioche bun and a cup of tea for breakfast when I was commuting.

3 proper meals plus snacks is too much surely unless she’s a farmer or something.

I’m probably going to get flamed, but all the child vegetarians/vegans I know are overweight. Most pre-packaged vegan alternatives are ultra processed foods (note the sausages). Kids don’t get enough protein, therefore feel hungry and fill up on carbs and treats, which spike their blood sugar and make them feel hungry again shortly after eating, again.

Most kids won’t eat or aren’t given enough whole food proteins (for vegetarians eggs, cheese, unsweetened greek yogurt, beans, lentils, nuts) so instead fill up on carbs. She’s having sweet white bread for breakfast (blood sugar nightmare, unsatisfying and you’ll be ravenous in 2 mins), then pasta several times a day. Add crisps, sweet treats, her baking and pretty much all her food converts to sugar in her body.

I don’t get people saying pretend it’s about protecting her teeth or whatever. Kids need to learn what makes their bodies healthy and strong, and what makes them feel energetic and their immune system functioning.

I would sit down and think about your diet as a family. It’s fine if your son has specific food restrictions that it’s explained to her that it’s not ideal for him either but it’s really difficult due to the ASD. She’s a separate individual with a different body and a different gut. Therefore it’s not about treating her unfairly, but her own optimal health.

This.

Its great that she wants to get this sorted, perhaps you could do some research together to find out more about reducing carbs and developing a healthy and sustainable eating plan.

We focus on “being healthy” fitness and good food. My teens eat better than I do. Being slim is a positive by product of this. You owe it to her to parent her and Help her manage her health. She’s asking for your help. The brother is a red herring she’s not him.

It sounds like she eats an awful amount of wheat based food. This is very processed and there are better alternatives. I try to limit my two to wheat once per day. Try rice and potato more. Potato in particular is highly nutritious and unprocessed. Jacket potato, mash spicy wedges, lots of interesting things she can do if she enjoys cooking.

I would cultivate the understanding that her brother get the food that he needs but she has wider options to explore. Fill her plate with delicious veg based options. Salsa, coleslaw cucumber salad, stir-fry, roasted broccoli with (veggie) parmesan.

Dd is vegetarian and 12.

breakfast-
bagel with almond butter and marmite. Water
or dippy egg and toast

lunch-
little roll (We bake our own bread) with marmite and cheese
sugar snaps and carrot sticks,
some little oaty/nut bites (home made). Water

biscuit and fruit or cucumber with soy sauce after school.

dinner
lentil dal with chickpeas and sweet potato

she eats well. Does a good amount of sport.

Also, the exercise is a huge red herring. You can’t outrun your fork - weight is at least 80% about what you eat. Exercise is hugely important for strength but it takes a lot to burn off even 300 calories, let alone the excess intake many people are eating.

Over the last decade I’ve watched the kids in our circle who have parents with a philosophy of no food restrictions (i.e. snack drawer always available, no limits on sugar etc.), but who are “very active” become overweight or obese in their tween years. These are kids who are doing hours of sports or dance a week, but it’s not compensating for the amount of carbs and sugar they’ve got used to habitually eating in early childhood and the idea that you shouldn’t moderate your food intake.

All things in moderation, but there has to be an understanding of the health impacts of too much processed, sugar laden, carb heavy food.

Thank you all for your thoughts.

@BananaPeanutToast That's interesting about the kids with unrestricted sugar and snacks intake struggling with their weight as teens- my dd has several friends like this, skinny as rakes but eating junk food all day. And yes I'm very aware that exercise isn't something you do in isolation for weight loss however it's obviously an important part of being strong and fit and healthy and liking and respecting your body and it's something I'd like both dd and I to manage more of.

@Peclet that sounds great and in many ways similar to the kinds of things we eat. However dd is clearly eating too much of it and isn't sporty at the moment.

@Cerialkiller yes i agree too much wheat. Hard to avoid. However we never eat white pasta or shop bought bread which I do think is important (although doesn't make any difference to calorie intake) We also have a lot of brown rice, pulses and tofu.

@BananaPeanutToast yes I agree veggie diet can be a lot of stodge and hard to get good quality filling protein. It wasn't my idea for sure... It's hard to give a snapshot of her diet in a couple of examples so a couple of people have spotted the brioche for breakfast but actually she's only had that about twice ever and it was only because we woke up late were in a mad rush and she had a class so if she didn't eat something fast in the car she wouldn't have had anything at all until 11am. More typical breakfast would be grilled cheese on toast which fills her up nicely but is of course high In saturated fat

A few people have said we need her to understand now that a healthy diet for her is not the same as the rather disconnected range of things I feed her brother. This I think is my challenge. She is old enough to get this now but she still has a very sensitive trigger for what she perceives as unfairness and gets upset about it.

it seems like what I need advice on is not so much what food is healthy or what portion sizes does she need (I've never been surprised that she puts on weight when I see how much she eats) it's just very hard to say no when everyone else is eating more than she needs to eat (ie dad and brother have seconds, or everyone at a party is eating unlimited crisps and biscuits) and she seems to be at parties/ social situations with cake and biscuits all the time!

@DrunkenElephant secret eating started when I was more controlling about portion sizes. She would just sneak food (anything available) upstairs or sometimes to the bathroom. She also gets given loads of sweets at school and she eats them in her room- I've found the wrapper stash but never mentioned it.

@Potatomashed thank you. Yes I'm mostly going with what you've said. I am not someone who models body dissatisfaction, I'm quite slim but also I genuinely accept my body and am grateful when it's healthy. I hope she can learn this too, however it took me a few years of issues to get to this stage...

Thanks again to everyone who has posted I'll read through it all again later.