11 year old DD wants to lose weight

[Corwen]

I'd like to approach this with as much care and advice as possible. DD wants to 'get thinner'. I don't know her weight/ height or BMI and I don't want to weigh her right now but she is wearing plus size school clothes and is quite chubby. I would say it's got to a point where it's making her less active and is a bit of a vicious circle.

My first thought and the first thing I said was that she is perfect as she is and that we must be careful if she does lose some weight to do it in a healthy way. I told her she's beautiful exactly as she is.

Dd has always loved food and has always eaten with great enjoyment. She likes cooking, watching cookery programmes, and she hates to feel she's missing out. She has an older brother who doesn't like many foods, is skinny and also growing fast and needs a lot of carbs as carbs are the main foods he will eat. This leads to dd eating too many carbs as I can't easily treat them differently without her getting upset.

I have been concerned about DD's weight for a while but attempts to give her a healthier diet and more exercise (whilst never mentioning my concerns) have only led her to feel she is being treated unfairly and have led her to eat in secret. To address that I have tried to increase her protein and fruit and veg intake so she feels fuller and I have stopped trying to limit intake so much as it was having the opposite effect- making her find ways of getting more food constantly.

This is the first time she has mentioned her weight and wanting to do something about it. I am aware of the danger of eating disorders and this is uppermost in my mind due to a young girl I know being in hospital currently with anorexia. However I know childhood obesity is not ideal ether.

I am reluctant to make a GP appt as I don't want her to think there is a big 'problem'.

I can't currently find a form of exercise she enjoys but I know this would be the first thing to look at.

We struggle to improve the diet and exercise for the whole family due to the fact we have an extremely picky eater and we are very busy with work and extra curriculars that are much loved and can't be scaled back easily.

Advice and experiences welcome.

There was no extra mea
She had 4 Melas and 3 snacks.

It's theb3 snacks that are the problem
The brioche was 'technically' breakfast, but wasn't a proper meal. A snack to get her through to the main meal ...

3 meals,3snack*

Could you start going on walks with her? It doubles as bonding time for you, it's the most sustainable form of exercise, and it can be slotted into daily life. I think the minimum is getting about 40minutes all together of a brisk walk. This will naturally increase as you both get fitter. Just see how that goes and then reassess. The next step I would think is something strength based!

Agree about seeing if you can both do c25k or similar. Alongside working on the portions.

while overall food is more important exercise is great for getting you in an overall healthier state of mind IMO. I

Can you give your son a snack and encourage him to eat it immediately after he's exercised, ie before he comes home. Also, if you give them lunchboxes, discreetly add a bit more to his than hers, and try and give her lower calorie options she enjoys.

Also, not saying you should starve your son, but perhaps not offer him such large portions of carbs. This comes from someone who was extremely fussy and would go all day without eating (school dinners were compulsory) and then just want try bread, veggie sticks for tea. I survived, am happy, healthy, have enjoyed life so far into my 50s, ie it hasn't done me any harm long term.

TitusMoan · 27/04/2024 23:17

No, it wouldn’t. It’s the amount she eats that’s a problem, unless she’s about to start training for a marathon. Start with reducing portion sizes. She’s never going to need the portion sizes that her brother does.

Yes, I took my daughter to Healthy4Life last year and they showed us what an actual portion size was, which was pretty surprising.

https://www.activenorthtyneside.org.uk/healthy4life

Most councils run something similar, we were referred by the school nurse.

When Ds was 13, he asked me to help him lose weight. He ate smaller portions of healthy breakfast, lunch, dinner - and supper (!). No snacks between meals. He lost 2 stone whilst growing taller. The motivation and will power were his, but I obviously facilitated by cooking and serving the correct amount of good food (and by hiding my chocolate and not eating it in front of him).

Gosh I could have written this thread with some differences.

Eldest is 15, vegetarian, diagnosed autistic and won't eat breakfast, gets put off foods easily and I've been worried about her just "not eating".

Youngest is 12 and overweight, quite likely also neuro diverse tbh and really likes processed food. Has always struggled with food touching, food being different or wrong so a lot of safe food has been processed or carby.

She doesn't want to be chubby and I know she's due a spurt at puberty but we need to do something differently.

Also unlike yourself I am overweight myself. This means I've been super aware of not wanting to draw attention to weight or start "dieting" ( cause of so much obesity or eating disorders).

Similarly I want to push protein/etc

BUT I am constantly in a a state of overwhelm myself and keep meaning to fill out the forms for diagnosis and considering a private diagnosis.

And really struggle with organising and planning meals especially when my kids want such different things.

At the moment they're having school lunches which we can't afford to keep up to reduce my overwhelm but we need a handle on the meals.

My first thought and the first thing I said was that she is perfect

I completely understand why you said this but be careful that she doesn't think you are dismissing her concerns. It might have been a big deal for her to tell you about her weight and it might have been troubling her for a long time so you need to gauge you response very carefully.
Have you asked her what she thinks she wants to do.
She might want to to really control her diet so she doesn't have to think about it. Potentially even a calorie controlled one.
It's tricky

Why are your teenagers so conscious of not getting fat? Sounds the opposite of healthy to me

Weird question. what teenage girl wants to be overweight? Plus it’s important to embed healthy eating practices in teenagers so they take that into adult life.

I see it like smoking it’s easier not to start in the first place than to have to give up. If you learn healthy eating / exercise hopefully you won’t get fat as you get older We model it too

I was thinking about this. I know many would say we don’t want teens thinking about weight at all lest they develop an ED or disordered eating.

But actually I think an awareness of how not to get fat is quite a sensible thing. This is different from obsessing over food/calories and restricted eating. The PP’s dds don’t sound like they obsess, they are eating normally just not excessively.

There are so many unhealthy foods marketed to us and so many people who struggle with weight their whole life - often in a cycle that started early on. It’s hard to lose excess weight once it’s there, easier not to gain it in the first place. Teena knowing how to eat normally without getting fat is a useful life skill, I’d say.

I'm old and me and my friends were all body conscious as young teens and teens. There was obviously no social media then. I wonder if never mentioning weight to a child who is overweight is worse than talking about it. Not mentioning it might make it like a shameful secret that can't be talked about rather than a normal part of life.

I think it's so difficult to get it right.

Also that’s a very naive view teens now are absolutely bombarded with information and images. My teens often come up with healthy eating recipes they see on TikTok etc.

It’s not naive - there’s a big difference between healthy eating and making a conscious effort to not gain weight, especially for the 15 year old who will still be growing and of course naturally gaining a bit as she turns into a young woman. The latter is not a healthy or normal way for a teen to be thinking

We don’t mention weight. Get the healthy eating habits and exercise right and it’s not even an issue.

Yes it's hard to say entirely the right thing in the moment but we have talked since and looked at the NHS guidelines for healthy eating and exercise for her age group. She homed in on the idea of doing more exercise and has been on the trampoline. She then came in and asked to make a big jug of homemade lemonade which is something she did for someone's birthday (with tons of sugar) so I realise we have a way to go in her understanding. I redirected her to water. Yes I have also had the idea that we could agree that if she helps with meal planning (so she still feels a sense of agency) I will deal with portions and that we won't have snacks except raw fruit and veg.

To the various posters commenting on portion size and snacks- yes of course I agree with you! Too much food. It's more the psychology of how to cut it down appropriately without causing collateral problems that is of interest to me.

Sounds like the older brother should be the one to eat differently. (The reason you give can be the sport he plays and his ASD). Then you, your husband and your daughter eat healthy meals with fewer carbs. That way, she won’t be the “different” one.

It sounds like you're handling it well so far. You could approach it as though you and her are 'getting healthier together'. In this way it's not just her but she's doing it with you.

If finding an activity is a problem and budget allows, consider some kind of sports gaming like a Wii. I have a VR headset and get the bulk of my exercise from tennis/badminton type games. It just doesn't feel like exercise at all and you might be able to pick up something second hand.

I think it is an important mindset to get into actually. Food is everywhere and weight gain is something to watch for, more so as you get older. Best not to get into the habit of overeating on a regular basis and that will help to avoid weight related health problems in later life. It’s a healthy way to think.

And all the child vegans and vegetarians i know are all regular weight.

Its about food choices and cooking which most of the children are not making themselves.
Parents overuse of white bread and pasta to fill the gap, rather than adjusting what you make.

When your baseline is meat for protein the easiest thing is just buy meat replacements like quorn etc.

Sorry you are struggling with this too. I started my two off on no processed food whatsoever and all whole foods and DS basically didn't eat except fruit and milk. It's very easy for people to advise on diet when their DC will eat a good range of things but mine always had two very different issues right from the start of weaning plus yes meal planning is hard with different requirements and a busy life. 'dieting' is really something I want to avoid. I did it in my late teens and it turned out I was very good at it, it gave me a sense of control and I and just carried on losing weight until I was under 7st and had a breakdown. I never had body dysmorphia exactly as I knew I was too thin and didn't really even want to be thinner but I was unhappy and isolated and I was locked into behavioural patterns that made me feel in control.

I hope you find a way to improve things. Protein is definitely helpful for not feeling hungry and in need of snacks but meat is expensive and veggie protein sources aren't often that protein rich as other posters have pointed out. Fortunately all my family likes tofu which is a bit of a saviour. For myself, for years I've eaten small portions and put up with it if I feel hungry. I think I went to bed hungry every day for about 15 years in my teens and 20s. Eating more protein has helped me with that a lot and I'm now able to stay slim and eat what I like, although I avoid biscuits and cake and most sugar, also mass produced bread.

What diagnosis are you wanting to fill out forms for?

Yes I think there's some scope for us exercising together. I've not been able to for some time due to health and time but I'm hoping to start small and get out more over the summer

Yes this is pretty much what we do already. I deliver food to DS on car journeys and in his room to top up the small amounts of our shared meals that he manages. But it's not easy to get eg a plate of chips past DD!!