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Original poster

How do you get your daughters to actually tidy their rooms?

32 replies

devilsice123 · 27/04/2024 17:43

My daughter is 10 nearly 11 and she throws a fit when we ask her to clean her room. I'm so fed up of it, we've tried rewards, money, days out, treats, anything to use as an incentive to clean her room. I feel like I'm at the end of my tether! I also work full time and have a 2 year old son to look after. I'm dreading weekends because any time I ask her to sort anything in her room it's all screaming and shouting! Any advice greatly received! I've told her she's got until Monday to sort her room out otherwise I'm just boxing the stuff up.

OP posts:
TribeofFfive · 27/04/2024 17:44

DD the same age. She doesn’t get her pocket money if it isn’t done. Thankfully she does prefer it to be tidy and likes her things in certain places so she knows she has to do it herself to get it how she wants.

TulipBluebells · 27/04/2024 17:45

Just let her live in the mess? I was messy until it clicked one day, around aged 12, that I wanted a nice environment. Is her messy room hurting anyone?

Icanseethebeach · 27/04/2024 17:45

Does she know how to do it and where to start?

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Barktip · 27/04/2024 17:46

Just tell them a friend is coming over!

TheTerribleMaster · 27/04/2024 17:49

TulipBluebells · 27/04/2024 17:45

Just let her live in the mess? I was messy until it clicked one day, around aged 12, that I wanted a nice environment. Is her messy room hurting anyone?

This is my approach. I always tell her I'm happy to help when she wants to have a tidy up. But it's her room, and her mess to live in. The only thing non negotiable is putting her school uniform in the laundry basket. And she does this because she doesn't want to wear dirty uniform!

She is getting better now she has friends over sometimes and will accept my offer of help to tidy and clean, and we do it together.

SomethingIn · 27/04/2024 17:49

I've given up

I make sarky annoying comments

Then I occasionally swoop in to pick up stray items crockery

I have refused to buy DD anymore clothes because of the floordrobe so she buys her own from her PT job and pocket money

I find this a happy compromise

APurpleSquirrel · 27/04/2024 17:49

Solidarity! My DD (9) is the same.
TBH since she's started watching Stacey Soloman's Sort Out Your Life, DD is getting a bit better.
Had a huge fit when I asked her to put away her clothes but then spent the afternoon sorting all her clothes drawers. However, instead of doing one drawer at a time, she emptied the whole lot on the floor & now hasn't finished & is 'taking a rest' .... so baby steps....

Solgrass · 27/04/2024 17:50

1/ Declutter and let her sell some stuff so she can earn money

2/ Make sure she has enough storage

3/ You have to if you want a clean room go round once a day, just to pick up clothes etc. However, make her put them in the laundry or hang it up

4/ Make sure she has a bin in her room and she changes it weekly

5/ you hoover the room at least once a week. Rule is whatever is left on the floor lying around either gets hoovered up or out in the bin.

6/ pay per job. So keeping things generally tidy and making the bed, doesn’t get anything. But paid jobs can be, wiping down the skirting boards and light switches, organising her drawers, cleaning the inside of the windows. These are £1 jobs here.

MinervaMcGonagallsCat · 27/04/2024 17:50

DD11 no problem tidying her room.

DS15 has to be threatened with loss of pocket money / Wi-Fi.

coldcallerbaiter · 27/04/2024 17:53

Only threats work. She won’t get a lift unless it is tidy before we leave the house. I get an eye roll and scampering around for 20 mins before we go. Normally I find it all stuffed in a wardrobe or under the bed. I have started shoving everything under the bed too, if she wants it, she will find it there, that includes tights with knickers still in them inside out…

Nettleskeins · 27/04/2024 17:53

Sit in her room and do it with her. OR
Pick one battle...ie laundry or bringing sheets down or wastepaper basket. One of those.
OR accept that this is her territory
OR suggest she invites a friend over at the weekend and then ask, in a friendly way if she needs some help reorganising it first.
OR do it when she is out. I did the latter. She was incredibly relieved despite saying she didn't care didn't want me to interfere.

Tbh it's not her fault you have a busy life.

I've noticed at that age and until twenties they like the rest of the house to be tidy but their own rooms are an expression of self. Sad but true.

Nettleskeins · 27/04/2024 17:55

Dd also had a very very tidy friend who used to delight in reorganising her drawers for her. They exist!!

BubbleTheTea · 27/04/2024 17:55

I find it really disrespectful when children just walk over clothes or whatever else is on their floor.

I started mine young so they tidied their rooms daily, it becomes part of the daily routine like teeth brushing and then doesn't become overwhelming.

Her shouting and yelling is her communicating with you in a way that you have accepted. I am sure if she is asked to tidy up the classroom at school she doesn't start yelling and screaming at the teacher.

My advice would be that you tell her this is non-negotiable and you help her tidy this time, put music on of her choice and make sure that everything in her room has a place to live. My children have a worn it once drawer for clothes they changed into after school so could wear it a couple of times before it went into the dirty laundry hamper.

This is then followed by her tidying her room daily which for a while you will have to stand over her whilst she does it. It will only be a few items. Think if it as 10 minutes of tidying Mon-Fri saves 50 minutes of tidying on the weekend.

It is all well and good saying it is her space let her be messy but they may not grow out of it and then it spills over into never tidying anywhere, lounge, kitchen, shared spaces at uni/house share. Hard earned money has been spend on clothes and she just leaves them on the floor. It was never acceptable for my parents when I was a child and it isn't acceptable for my own children.

FeckOffNowLads · 27/04/2024 17:55

Ask her why she won’t do it.

because my son is the same and his problem is he gets completely overwhelmed. He has adhd as do I, and I was horribly messy until I was a teenager.

He has a list on the wall and works through that, also I make him get half way through the list before dinner. In fact……. Think I’ll go and kick his ass now.

kids are so ducking messy aren’t they.

mynameiscalypso · 27/04/2024 17:57

My DM tried every trick in the book when I was younger. I'm 40 now and still have a messy bedroom. So long as there's no empty plates/glasses festering, I've resolved to never nag my children about it.

OhYouBadBadKitten · 27/04/2024 17:58

When she was young, we would tidy together. After that I told her I was cleaning on the same day each week. On that day anything that was on the floor, or where it shouldn't be, would be unceremoniously shoved on her bed so I could clean properly. She soon got fed up of having to sort out everything on her bed so she could get it to it at night.

fieldsofbutterflies · 27/04/2024 19:09

It sounds silly, but have you ever actually shown her how to tidy it or how to keep it tidy? Or are you expecting her to just "know"?

IvorTheEngineDriver · 27/04/2024 19:42

All we required of DDs was that the doors of their rooms could be closed tight shut. That way when we had guests we could hide the pig-sties their rooms away from visitors.

Fluffycloudsfloatinginthesky · 27/04/2024 19:44

My daughter has picked up the idea of a Sunday reset on TikTok. Basically getting yourself ready for the week ahead. So she now seems to tidy once a week which is better than before!

MrsMohi · 27/04/2024 22:12

Maybe she feels overwhelmed? Is she involved with other chores/tasks around the house?
I found that when I was younger I felt like my parents were 'on my back' anytime they asked me to tidy my room but I was confused why the would pick on my room except that wasn't the case, it was just that was the only thing I was expected to do. Preteens are having lots of social and hormonal changes to adjust to and that often blows things out of proportion. Maybe offer to help declutter and create systems to help her keep on top of it and agree the expectations of her room between you both so she feels more of an equal rather than you 'having a go'

Babaero · 27/04/2024 22:14

Don’t incentivise, I deal out consequences when things aren’t done although thankfully not often as the threat of consequences means things normally get done.

Timeforanewnam · 27/04/2024 22:19

I hear you

dd16

luckily after a massive argument, and her not having any clean clothes and me complaining about the smell coming from her room she has done a great clean out yesterday.

I have no real advice. Bribery probably

I have heard that they eventually move out so there is that 🤷‍♀️

GrazingSheep · 27/04/2024 22:24

Mine started from an early age. At 4 they put their clothes in the drawers, tidied their beds, helped put away food shopping etc..
It evolved from that as they grew up.

Love51 · 13/05/2024 09:01

My 10 year old has always needed the tasks broken down a bit more that his big sister. Literally "clean clothes put away" "dirty clothes in basket" "books on bookshelf" "toys in box" "what is left on the bottom of your wardrobe, let's decide where it should go!" Then wipe windowsill and chest of drawers, then hoover and mop floor. Voila, clean room. He can manage all that but not the breaking it down into tasks. His sister creates her own complex systems but I think she just likes being in her room with music / podcasts. Some kids just need you alongside them a bit more.
I didn't really understand cleaning and tidying as a kid, I was late 20s when I discovered flylady (less evangelical cleaning gurus are available!)

drawnfrommemory · 13/05/2024 09:17

DH and I spent 4 hours helping DD1 to spring clean her room last weekend. She was slightly horrified at the difference between under her furniture and the rest of the carpet she's half heartedly hoovered up until now (palish carpet) so I'm hoping that might provide a bit of an incentive.

She did admit that her room looked and felt so much nicer once it was cleaned properly. Let's see if that does the trick - although given that was last weekend and I asked her about 3 times this weekend if she had hoovered her room, I'm not holding out much hope.

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