This is exactly why I dislike the in laws.

[Bunbum]

Prime example yesterday when they called up as they were in town and wanted to pop in (they gave us 15 mins notice), which would be absolutely fine however whenever they come over, DP feels it’s necessary that he and I need to frantically run around the flat in those 15 mins hoovering, spraying room spray, fixing throws, cushions etc etc… basically trying to make it look like we don’t have children under 4 yo & we have 10000% got our shit together.

It’s. So. Out. Of. Touch.

It’s not reality.

However the issue is not with DP, it’s them. It’s allllllll about image and what the house looks like, how good the children look (hair always cut nice and styled, nice outfits)…. I can so totally imagine DP had such a boring childhood, never allowed to get a bit dirty, wear spiderman onesies etc.

I just cant stand it. I can’t stand people who focus their lives on image.

So stop doing it and tell DP it’s unnecessary.

Much sympathy. I hope you changed into a onesie and dramk a g&t once they were gone. If you didn't, you can catch up now.

Absolutely unnecessary as pp said.
Let him run around frantically if he wants to?
You just sit back in your Spider-Man onesie with a g&t in hand 🍸

I think it's nice if the in-laws pop in if they're nearby. And good of them to give you a little warning.

The cleaning, OTOH, is bats. They're family. Put the kettle on and have a cuppa and a chat with them in the house as it is, with you wearing whatever you're wearing.

Like the Middletons having breakfast in their pyjamas when Prince William visited, it sounds as if you need to show your in-laws how normal people live. If they want to spend the journey home afterwards telling each other what a terrible way you choose to live, so be it.

If DP wants to run around like a blue-arsed fly then I'd let him do just that. I wouldn't necessarily be joining in with it.

@MayYourToastLandButterSideUp the sad thing is that this is just how judgmental they are even to their own family… so judgmental that even me (who says she couldn’t give a crap) feels the need to join in on the cleaning!

Don't join the cult...

Let them judge, they will anyway.

I totally do this too. Never figured out how to not care when my parents comment on dust on the mantlepiece or wrinkle their nose at my failure to take all the washing off the line so they are not exposed to it.

Different families work differently though. There's not one way that normal people live, just what you're used to and what you're not, what you judge and what you find acceptable.

They're judgmental. I mean, so what? What's the worst that happens because of their judgment? Nothing, nothing at all happens.

DH used to wash his car before he visited PIL.
Afraid of being 'told off' in some way.
Weird.

This is a DH problem not an inlaw one.

Why are you all doing that?

Just bung the kettle on and welcome them. Its nice they drop in to see you all

Also its kinda normal to have a quick tidy if you know someone is on their way surely?

A massive overreaction imo

Have they actually made any comments about your house? And do you know for a fact that your DP had such a boring childhood, never allowed to get a bit dirty, wear spiderman onesies etc or was that how you imagine it was?

I have a quick tidy up if anyone is coming round - it’s hardly unusual.

TBH I'm a bit like that, with any visitors not just in-laws / my parents. And have always been like that with my parents visiting.

To me, sitting in a cluttered messy house is stressful and I'd like to not subject my guests to that. But also, guests are my chance to sit and relax too, so if I can do that in relatively clear space it makes so much difference to me. 15mins stress is all worth it!

I totally get that it’s normal to have a little tidy around before anybody comes over, but I mean this is like a military operation trying to get the place near spotless in about 15 mins!!

Yes she has made comments. If it isn’t near spotless comments will erupt left, right and centre. That then leads into different lectures on other topics. You can never win.

She'd fucking hate me then.

Probably why my Mil looks down her nose. I have better things to do than fanny about cleaning to spotless...

Sit there in your jammies, eating baked beans out of a tin. :-)

Stop trying to blame them when it's your DP making you jump through hoops.

If you feel a frantic tidy up is unnecessary, tell him you won't be taking part.

If you are 15 min away from being spotless, you are better than me! I could do the loos and kitchen in 25 mins maybe.

Honestly though, a 15 min clean s actually great for freshening up your day and feeling nicer in your environment, sometimes visitors give an incentive to clean up when you wouldn’t bother.

I don’t like anyone popping in though, want advance notice of a day or so. It’s my world I live in at home, not other ppls, so I don’t just let ppl pop in.

When they call you say, sorry we are out. Back in 45 mins if that’s convenient.

ir make it a game of Mumsnet bingo And come up with some non committal retorts
You really could have made more effort here/ dusted/ hoovered
“oh , do you think . I think it’s more more important to spend time with the children having fun / making memories.

ir just shrug .. It’s horses for courses.
If they comment on your children you say - I love to see kids being kids . Those mini adult outfits are not my style. Etc

I would not be able to resist rebelling against this. I'd let DH do the mad tidying up nonsense, and just make sure the basics are okay, loo, dishes and bins.

My mum likes to say oh it is dusty here and pull a face, don’t care, she’s my mum, she is this that and the other but I can say shut up to her and we have a bond. I would do anything for her….IL saying it err they can say it to their son, I am not their daughter….

Not saying you are, but ppl who are really dirty deserve every comment they get. People don’t want their gc wallowing in dirt. Basic regular cleanliness is a prerequisite. I know someone with dogs, I cannot go to her house, everything has dog hair on it, and I can smell dog at the doorway, I do not go in and I told her why, she doesn’t like it but I don’t like the smell or hair on me so idc…

Mil once commented on the mess.. I asked her had she even been invited... She hadn't. And sharply stfu.
We had 8 dc btw...

My FIL is like this. I don't like it, but I don't respond to it because it's bad enough he's like that without encouraging him.

For example, I have an old, cheap and reliable Yaris. Lots of goady comments of, don't I want something newer, aren't I going to replace it yet etc. He has a lease car, and no personal interests beyond keeping it immaculate.

He was progressively more distressed when I was heavily pregnant and wasn't washing my car, but also didn't jump to attention with his rude comments on it.

I used to worry about my mum coming over to my house when I was younger but I now worry about what my dd and sil feel when they come here. I am sure that they don’t really judge me but I feel guilty if the place is untidy.

It's quite simple really - if comments are made about your tidyness/cleanliness I would say 'this is my house and if you don't like the way we keep it, you don't have to come here'. You don't have to put up with rude comments in your own home! Alternatively, next time they give you 15 minutes notice, leave DH to it and go out!