Do you feel settled where you are? Help please

[eggplant16]

I feel so unsettled. Ive lived here for 30 years, its busy, lonely and no sense of community. God knows I've tried.
Not sure if this is depression and it will follow me where ever I go.

Aged 66 for context. Thanks

Are you retired? Have you tried joining some groups? Eg U3A, local history group, local NT Supporters Group. In our area they all have regular meetings, social occasions, outings and holidays. What about WI? Join a choir or a walking group? Ask at your library. It can take a while to build relationships but I have made new friends through art classes.

Yes I am. I am a fairly socialable person and if there were medals for joining things/ trying, I reckon I would quailify.

I know lots of people but I only have a few who I would call real friends. I think that applies to most people. I did read years ago that no one can count close friends on more than one hand. There's some truth in that. Sometime ago I tried to form a walking group but people were so unreliable. In the end I went ahead anyway and 1 person turned up. She became one of my closest friends. It's difficult but I think that the only way forward is to be comfortable with yourself, take opportunities as and when appear and do things that you enjoy.

Yes, I will write out that final sentence. The advent of WhatsApp seems to lead to endless complications and not much action.

Hard to meet people.

I do know how you feel. I think it's very common these days

Really? Its the most nebulous and difficult feeling.

Me, we're actually selling up and moving shortly. Moved away previously and I was a lot happier, then got dragged back due to circumstances.

I'm moved recently, not far, but far enough to find a new community.

I started by joining an outdoor training group, they usually have coffee after.

Some of the group go to a run club, I hate running and am overweight and a terrible runner 🤦‍♀️ I went along anyway.

Met some lovely people,

Got invited on a hike, went along, feared for my life but bonded us through the experience.

This is the year of doing things out of my comfort zone, I've met more lovely people in the last six months than the last six years. You have to be brave, suggest coffee, or a wine or a walk, you would be surprised how many other people are looking for connection.

I now have a new friend who I have a regular Friday morning walk with.

Maybe I've been lucky, but the difference in the last six months va years has been going anyway, you might meant 20 people and like one, friends are like partners, rare.

I actually hate where I live although its " sought after". Wherever you go, you take yourself with you though?

I want to move. The market doesn’t want me to.

What do you dislike about the area as that may help you work out what you'd want from a new place?

Are there any interesting volunteering opportunities as that maybe more stable so you meet the same people regularly than an activity group, you could always invite any you like to go walking etc.

Are there any better opportunities if you travelled a out a bit? Say if your area is geared up to appeal more to a certain demographic like young families perhaps another place nearby is the opposite.

Wherever you go, you take yourself with you though?

That's a good question. I think that will sometimes be the case, but other times you might genuinely be a better fit in a different area.

I get what you mean about feeling unsettled where you live. I lived in one particular city that was very stuck up and cliquey. I could never have settled there, I always felt uncomfortable.

I now live somewhere very relaxed, the people are generally quite friendly. I'd describe it best as a down to earth type place. I feel like I fit in here. So it's not always about the person. Sometimes it is just the place.

Good suggestions, Thanks.

I know where I am, there is a group for single over 55s to meet and do fun things (it's not a dating group). Maybe they have something similar near you?

I think it depends on your personality. I recently moved back to London (I'm early 60s). I have some old friends here but I left behind more, who I see when I go back every month or so.
I feel totally settled because I love London with a passion. But really only have two friends I see regularly, and a few more only occasionally as mentioned. But that's fine - I don't care. There is a nice community feel around here and my neighbours are friendly and helpful. I could get more involved if I wanted to, but im not pushed.

Thats great, genuinely.

Wow, thanks so much for bothering to reply and share this. Thank You.

When I first retired I moved to the seaside and thought I'd be in clover, but oh my goodness I was wrong. I felt so unsettled, disconnected, lonely and couldn't find my tribe. The nature of the place was either people with family roots going back to the Doomsday Book (who all had plenty of family and friends and didn't need new ones), second homers or the very elderly retired. Everything felt so transient for me and, despite trying lots of things to make connections - including volunteering and getting a part time job - I still felt as though I was in a bubble of my own and somehow 'playing at life'.

Lockdown was the final nail in the coffin so, after a few years of trying hard to make it work, I gave up. I sold my house and moved back to a town very near the city in which I was born. Oh my goodness - the feeling of connection, of loving the very bones of the place, remembering my old dad driving his van down the roads I was now travelling and most importantly being back amongst some lifelong friends and my tribe. I belong. I am me again.

I think I get what you mean OP. It is isolating and creates a feeling of lack of traction with life and reality. I can only say to you that you are only 66 and if you make some changes now you have many years ahead to enjoy them. You are still young enough to make the next years better than the last for yourself.

You do take yourself with you wherever you go, but I strongly believe that some places make you more you and more comfortable in your skin than others. I do wish you very well.

What an interesting story. Thanks for sharing that. I live in a very very busy suburban area. There are thousands of clubs, activities and so on. Its overwhelming. I had a close knit group of Mum friends and still smarting a bit from being dropped. Also lockdown changed people I think. You mention traveling the same roads as your Dad. My family lived 3 hours away. I commuted there for the best past part of 45 years. Maybe a bit of me wants to be there. Other days I think Make the bast of this.

When you say sought after do you mean a little bit expensive? Where DH grew up is very desirable, little terrace houses sell for 600k, his Mum still lives there but it is the most soulless keeping up with the bloody Jones area, I hate even visiting, it’s all sharp elbows.

I live in an ex mining area and it is the exact opposite it’s sort of a poor area that’s doing ok, people have time for each other. I have joined the U3a as retired and absolutely love it. Where I grew up yet again has a very different vibe it’s a coastal community that’s all a bit arty farty with independent potteries and arts studios. It’s the sort of place you can wear literally any sort of outfit and there would be no comment made. Whereas here you would stand out. Both nice places though very different and my heart belongs in both. My hometown was not like this as a child but it has become like this over last 25 years.

I did have a bit of a wobble when I retired, I was very lucky that I could retire early at 55 so just a couple of years ago. But it is a transition another chapter and I realised it’s the last chapter, it scared me a bit, maybe that’s how you feel? I managed to shake it off. I had some health issues so I really needed to go early.

I have always avoided big groups of friends, too many dynamics and keep my friends separate but I prefer one to one interactions anyway. I grew up in a family of six and I saw enough mini factions form and dissolve and alliances made and lost amongst my siblings to avoid it as an adult. I tended to remain neutral like Switzerland so it meant my sisters would always be bleating on about each other to me when they fell out. I see the same dynamic talked about on here.

Hope you feel better soon

@eggplant16 I’d like to be friends with a woman that uses the word “nebulous” please.

This is such an interesting discussion, to me at least!
The area is desireable for ambitious families who love Grammar schools.
It has green spaces, other amenities. But no community feel. Every Man and his dog are out for themselves. It makes me laugh tbh. Things are billed as community ventures. But the reality is £ 5.00 for your coffee and £ 40.00 for 3 things on a plate!

I have some availability next week ( funnily enough)😀