How do you develop inner self worth and validation?

[redtinaddict]

I am fed up always feeling like I am wanting external validation. So for example I worked so hard to lose some excess weight and the weekend I went out to buy a dress for a party and got it in the smaller size and when I tried it on and if fitted I was kind of fantasizing about how other people might see me in it and think wow, she looks great. Not that I think they would but its a little ego boosting fantasy.

If I am at the gym listening to music I got into little day dreams imagining that if I could sing like the person singing how everyone would be amazed, think I was talented and all the guys would fancy me. Its so cringey!

When I am in seminars (I'd doing a post grad) and I say something as part of the discussion I am definitely looking at the tutor and my classmates for some kind of approval or recognition rather than just being confident in what I say myself.

The flip side is when I was overweight I felt so self conscious and ashamed of my size and was always thinking how everyone would be thinking how fat I was and how I had let myself go. If I fail at something I feel like everyone will be thinking how crap I am and not want to be associated with me.

I know logically that for the most part nobody cares what I look like or what I do but I do feel like it does and that my worth is bound up in other peoples opinions of me.

How do I just get into my own space and develop inner self worth and validation?

Value your own opinion more than anyone else’s.

Someone has taught you to think your opinion is less valuable than someone else’s, either their own, or the neighbours’ usually!

Think about the people you are trying to please/impress. Are that actually all that? Are they just a bit ordinary!

Then work on listening to what you want and making it happen.

Everyone else can sod off. I must say, menopause helps the process.

What I wouldn’t do is worry about it, it’s an aspect of your personality. I’d assume you’re quite conscientious about your work etc. Don’t seek out therapy for this, don't ruminate and over think.

Try meditation by keeping yourself in the moment and getting outdoors. But don’t beat yourself up, it’s normal!

@AGlinnerOfHope I do think I have low self esteem and lack belief in myself. My Mum is a very assertive, confident woman but she could be quite hard on me when I was younger so I always felt a bit of an failure in her eyes.

That is a good tip about the people I am trying to impress, they are probably just pretty normal.

I am really trying to get to know myself better, I've started journaling which helps a bit.

I have a few years to go until menopause so I am hoping to get a bit better before that but I will look forward to that part of it!

By setting yourself goals, however large or small, and accomplishing them.

By making promises to yourself that you keep.

That’s where I think self esteem starts anyway.

@Solgrass I do want to try meditation I feel like I just want to shut out a lot of external chatter in my mind.

It’s brilliant for that. One exercise I like to do, is when I’m walking - to the bathroom or out and about- is to concentrate how my feet feel hitting the floor and the sensations through my foot. I know it sounds weird but it’s so calming.

There’s many many everyday exercises you can do as part of everyday life. It doesn’t have to a formal time and sitting crossed legged for half an hour trying to clear your mind. Not everyone has time for that.

@Tarteline843 That is what I am trying to do now, I did it with my weight loss and I think that did help but I feel like I undermined it by then feeling like I'd done it to appeal to others / men.

Well done! That’s a huge achievement! Weight loss is hard.

@Solgrass Thank you for that exercise it sounds like something I can start implementing now and fairly easily!

We often think that once we have sorted our life, resolving things like being overweight, we shall deserve to have higher self esteem.

In real life, it works the other way round.

Treating your self well, giving your body what it needs to feel well, good nutrition, lots of water, good quality sleep, these are the pillars of self esteem.

Treat yourself well, care about yourself and it will all work out well.

Mindfulness is good. Really pay attention to things in the moment, and learn to appreciate them - that can be anything from your walk to work to the colour of your eyes.
Learning to honour your own experience is really powerful and enlightening.
And speak to yourself the way you’d speak to your child - no harsh criticism, patience and understanding is the way.

@PiggieWig I do struggle to be in the moment and tend to live too much in my head and I tend to focus more on the things I don't like about myself.

When you sau "honour your own experience" what do you actually mean by that? I see people say things like that such as be true to yourself, honour yourself but I don't think I actually know what they mean.

I have read that to treat yourself as you would someone you love, I do find that difficult.

Meditation is about accepting those thoughts, gently and curiously, observing compassionately and even with a little humour (hey there goes my fantasy about singing) and letting them go, rather than 'brain, you must be silent now!' 'Brain, why are you not obeying my command this instant?'

Be gentle with yourself. Lots of people have these thoughts, its just being human, and being creative about possibilities - even if they are not wildly realistic.

I can't advise about self- worth, still working on that one.

Only to agree with previous poster, did anyone belittle your ideas and values in your life?

100% this.

Sometimes referred to as “showing up for yourself”.

Don’t even tell people about them, just achieve the goals for you.

It takes practice - start with 5 minutes. Take something like, having a bath, or going for a walk. Use all your senses - what can you feel, hear, smell, see, taste. When your thoughts creep in, redirect them to your senses.

In that scenario, it is about what you experience and how you are in the world, rather than other people. It’s beautiful, but start small. Even just putting your moisturiser on - a minute, tops, but notice what it’s like for you.

This is a complete epiphany moment for me. To keep a promise to yourself. I am so shit at this. And have never made the connection before
I never promise anything to my kids I can't deliver. Why don't I do this for myself?

Okay this is interesting, I think that to some extent I gained weight because when I felt overwhelmed by thoughts and feelings I would use food as a way to kind of ground myself from that feeling. Looking at it in that way you describe seems to say I could try to engage my senses in a healthier way. That is very useful thank you!

So I think I just need to remind myself of what you say in your second paragraph and see how that happens for me, I don't think I am used to being present with myself in that way!

Do you have a critical inner voice, probably of your mother?

Think about your weight loss, list all the reasons you are glad of it.

Here are mine-
Clothes are easier. So much easier. Easier to buy, easier to put outfits together, easier to look smart.
I am massively more comfortable
I am healthier and my joints feel better.
It was a successful achievement, that has been good for me, so I am glad I invested in myself.

That’s a good start for me. How about you? Your opinion matters so much more than anyone else’s.

@Alltheyearround Thank you for that advise on meditation. I do think I just come from a background where making a spectacle of yourself is frowned on so for example I am actually an ok singer, not professional level but if I did sing I'd be told it was embarrassing, actually I was always told I never stuck at anything and was put off from trying things like ballet or music lessons as my parents at time couldn't really afford them. In other ways they have been really supportive though and were great parents in lots of ways, I think its just part of our culture to not get to confident.

I was often told 'you can't do that/that's not going to work' at home.

It can be hard to let go of these old messages.

@RollnRock Probably, even just recently another family member I met was telling me how hopeless I was at everything as a child, I don't think she even realised how unkind she was being.

@AGlinnerOfHope That is a really good tip, I am going to do that and also I think for any goals I make for the future and try to really know why I want to do something or achieve something outside what I think others will think of me.

Anyway, the world needs more singing I feel.

Even if it's just in the comfort of your own home. Singing is great for all kinds of reasons. Everyone I know in a choir loves it too, that swell of voices. It's an ancient and human thing to do. Central stage soprano is only one option for using one's voice.

I think it's by realising that you are an all round goodish person who is just trying to do the best they can in the world - and that that is enough.

@Alltheyearround Perhaps that is a goal for the future then!

@takemeawayagain Thank you, yeah I suppose we are all just doing the best we can.