Fussy eater refusing to come to table

[cosysoc]

My son aged 3, nearly 4 became a fussy eater overnight aged 2, having eaten anything and everything prior to that. I have read loads about how to manage this and have been using the approach of not drawing too much attention to it, offering food on a communal serving dish, try to engage him in cooking / preparing, always including one known "safe" food alongside others, and just keep offering and trying not to sweat it when he refuses to eat his meal.

However, he has now stopped sitting at the table at all 90% of the time. At dinner time he will float past the table, eye the food and wander off to the sofa or to play. I can try to put him on his chair but he either gets back down immediately or won't let me pick him up. I don't want to fight him or turn it into a massive struggle and I'm so aware of making a big deal and giving him a complex over meals.

BUT as most parents feel I should imagine, I want him to develop a healthy range of tastes, good table manners and ability to fit and eat a sociable meal - eventually.

Can anyone relate to this?

I made sitting at the table non negotiable. That ship may have sailed but I used a booster cushion with harness and simply didn't accept getting down. I had exactly the same refusal at 2, it's really hard and took years, in all honesty 10 years to build back up to eating most food but sitting at the table happened every single meal time no exceptions.

As to foods I found it easier to get her to eat things that were fun so build your own wraps or sushi rolls were hits, sausage and mash not to much.

I’m going to answer from the perspective of an ASD parent. My dd ate well until nearly 2 and then shut down.

one of the barriers to her eating is the social aspect of the meal. Sometimes, she wants to eat, but she doesn’t want to also deal with people. I understand because I also have ASD. Most days we don’t require her to eat at the table. She chooses to most of the time, but sometimes she needs quiet.

Our only real priority is enough calories.

Honestly? Pay no attention whatsoever and let him go hungry for a couple of days, it won't do him any harm. I'd also stop letting him have anything to drink for at least an hour before meals, because his body might not be registering hunger if he's full of water or juice or whatever.

(My dc had ARFID and was a nightmare food refuser for years).

I’m quite strict. They’re sat at the table or they’re in trouble! I would personally be picking him up and returning to the table.

Possible reasons:

• he is using it as a control mechanism
• he isn’t hungry (too many snacks?) so has no interest in sitting down
• possible ARFID (a change overnight could link to this)

Just me who puts the TV on so they sit and eat?! I can't be arsed with the battle tbh. We sit together for breakfast and lunch every day, they don't watch tablets when we eat out or have TV if we have company for dinner. I figure they'll learn to sit and talk to us when they're older and the TV conveniently breaks lol.

This is an interesting perspective I would have never thought of! The ‘social’ side of sitting with people at a table and how that might be difficult is just not something that would occur to me. Will definitely remember this xxx

This happened to us too (DS is autistic). He ate anything till about 2 years old then the shutters cane down on a while range of foods. The table thing was about the enforced eye contact and social aspect as well as the food. We tried making him sit there but he would not eat and escaped as soon as he could so we backed off. We did all the things of getting him involved with food prep and shopping etc as well as making separate food if necessary. Letting him read comics etc at the table helped too. Although he still won't eat a lot of common foods (eg potatoes) as an adult he can sit at a table politely (although he does often need to play with his phone a bit but everyone understands that its a coping strategy for autism not rudeness), manage to eat what he can of a meal, go out for meals with friends or family and enjoys shopping for food and cooking. So I would avoid forcing anything and use trial and error.

I don't think it's ARFID, as he seems to eat slightly more / variety at nursery. I think he does snack but I am trying to cut this down and only offering fruit in the hours before dinner. He definitely has his comfort zone of foods - bread / bready type stuff, apples, berries, broccoli, cereal, and he'd love biscuits but we don't have them. Wont touch meat, cheese, anything gooey or "saucey".

I can't really see how I could pick him up and "make" him remain seated without using physical force, so that's not an option.

I had to cut out all snacks with mine. They just wouldn’t eat their dinner otherwise. It was annoying when we were with other people as they were always being given stuff, no matter how much I told people they weren’t to have any snacks. “Oh it’s just a rice cake!” Etc etc. In-laws were the worst because the cousins needed constant snacks, and they couldn’t wrap their heads round mine having smaller appetites. Even a few carrot sticks an hour before dinner would result in food refusal.

As for sitting at the table, like a pp I made it non-negotiable from the start. Same as cleaning teeth and going to bed; lots of repetition and building of routines. Difficult if he’s now in the habit of not doing it though. I guess you just have to use the usual mix of carrot and stick - nice pudding if he stays seated, no screens after dinner if he gets up before he’s finished. Or whatever.

If he's eating at nursery then presumably he's sitting at the table there and getting plenty of practice at the social side of things?

In that case I wouldn't personally worry about table manners or being at the table at two. Yes, great things to bed in early if they're eating well, but if food is an issue start there and move up to manners later.

Sometimes when ours (NT) are tired they come and go a bit, and eldest who is six often leaves her dinner to go cold and then wolfs it down as I'm loading the dishwasher. Ho hum!

This is normal. he's still so young. let him do as he pleases - come and go - have a seat at the table where he can join you but if he wanders off it's fine. When he is a bit older you can be firmer about him sitting at the table.

You could try him with his own small person size table and chair in a quiet part of the kitchen, dining room etc. as it's easy to get up and down from them, he may feel less trapped. Novelty value will help here too!

Personally, I wouldn’t force my child at the table or use screens as I think that could exasperate the problem. What sort of chair is he in? I assume not a traditional high chair anymore.
I’ve had useful information from Solid Starts website/app. They suggest things like taking the pressure off and try new ways to sit and eat e.g try him sitting on your lap to eat his meal for a bit, sitting on a picnic blanket together to eat, eating outside etc.

I’d suggest that you don’t give it any visible attention, OP. You’re having a lovely dinner at the table, shame he’s chosen not to join you and that’s that. No concessions, no telly, no fuss.

We have a long and chequered past with our DS and eating. The best advice I was given by an occupational therapist is that finding ways to create conflict around food/eating is a really good way for a small child to find control in a world where they don’t really have much. And it’s a really good choice because we can’t bear the idea of them starving so we fuss.

I’d load the rest of the situation with ways far him to have control: shall we cook peas or broccoli DS? Serve the meal family style and let him to choose from what’s in front of him, he can choose what he’d like to drink, from which cup etc. don’t engage with any chasing about regarding sitting down at the table. You tell him it’s time to eat, he does or he doesn’t and if he chooses not to I’d save his meal and put it on the table it without comment if he says he’s hungry and walk away/concentrate on something else whilst he eats. If you are consistent in your not caring he’ll get bored (and look for some other way to terrorise you 😁)

I am the proud owner of one of those ‘would starve before eating something they don’t like’ autistic kids (older now) and I still don’t engage in any silliness about food or eating. We quietly balance the meals each week so there are things I know for sure he’ll sit and eat so he doesn’t waste away, but we never engage with him in any dinnertime
drama , or comment on it when he won’t come to the table. The less airtime you give it, the less of a ‘thing’ it’ll be.

It’s possible this is all wrong but I am hard pushed to think of worse advice than tying a reluctant eater to a table or getting them in ‘big trouble’ if they won’t sit down!

We always had this problem with DS. He hated the high chair as a baby and toddler and we didn’t have a table for a while as due to lockdown it became a home office. He is getting a lot better now (he’s 3) but is still a wanderer. I’d rather he ate well to be honest and he sits fine at nursery and in cafes. I’m just not sweating it.

I was one of those kids who would rather starve. It was far more than just not liking it though. It went way, way beyond that. The sheer dread of mealtimes. The smell, the texture of it, foods touching one another on the plate, I'd sit there and heave just looking at it. When you have tried something and the sensation of it in your mouth has made you gag uncontrollably, so much so that you literally cannot swallow, then you tend to have sympathy with other people who also struggle.

@fromaytobe sorry, I didn’t mean to imply that I’m not sympathetic to anyone who has ARFID or related conditions. As I say, I live with a child who has a very difficult sensory relationship with food, but I still don’t believe that making it a big thing is a good idea. It is what it is: my child has a very restricted diet and comes to the table or doesn’t depending on many factors. We take steps to make sure that safe foods are always available or coming soon, whilst making sure that we casually offer him the opportunity to try new things. I’m not prepared to make it into a big performance, which is uncomfortable and stressful for him and for me. Nothing the OP has written suggests that her child is anything other than going through a phase of using dinner time as a way to exert a bit of control, and we’ve found not turning it into a big drama to be the best way to deal with it, regardless of the cause.

What snacks does he have

I would stop snacks if not eating main meals

When does he eat if not at meal times?
If snacking then that has to stop.
Sitting at the table at meal times are not negotiable even if they choose not to eat.

That’s making meal times stressful though which surely is what you want to avoid, I would think.

Unless you physically tie them to a chair it’s unlikely to work. They keep getting up, you keep chasing them, you don’t eat, they don’t eat, it’s stressful and an unpleasant atmosphere. I understand not using screens but I think something - toy or audiobook or music - can take the pressure off.

As he eats more at nursery (and therefore I assume he isn't one of those children who will simply not eat if it comes to it because there are more serious underlying issues) I would just ignore it. Continue to serve foods that are acceptable to him at the table, and he can join if he wants. I wouldn't make a big thing of it.

I laid the largest of a nest of tables for ds at that age, set out just like a normal place setting & he sat at that to eat. I found that if he was watching television at the same time he ate more. For food when he was going through his picky phase I bought lots of what is called party food, miniature pizzas, small sausages, tiny Yorkshire puddings & toad in the hole, he would eat pasta & cheese by the bowl full, I gave him salad or vegetables with these, he loved carrot & turnip mash, sweetcorn & peas. By the time he was 5, he wanted to be grown up & sit at the table with us.

@Rainyspringflowers why on earth would you need to tie them to a chair?!

At nearly 4 they are old enough to be told to sit and expected to sit for short periods. Cannot understand why that is so stressful. Yes it takes work but the expectation even at school is that you sit for your meal when everyone else does.

It just sounds like it's a phase and if meals are taken at nursery sitting then there is clearly no issue, just testing boundaries at home.

And definitely serving foods that are acceptable to them to entice them until they routinely sitting without concern then mix it up.