Birthday dinner issues.

[KrisTheGardener]

Scenario: My sister has four children, all in their 20s. DC #3 has a birthday next week and has asked for the family to go out to dinner. DC #3 has said she doesn't want to invite DC #1. My sister (the mother) is paying for the dinner. Is it reasonable to exclude one sibling out of four knowing the sibling will be hurt terribly? My sister isn't sure if she should deny the request for a birthday dinner or not just to avoid the situation. It's their birthday but the mother doesn't like being part of the exclusion, which she is if she throws the dinner and has to not invite someone, knowing their older child will probably ask if there is a dinner. It's over a basic philosophical disagreement between them, not something serious that would make it understandable. How would you handle it?

The issue is that DD #1 told DD #3 two years ago that a fine arts degree wasn't very practical. DD #3 is still upset about this and is doing the fine arts degree.

Well, it depends a little bit on the nature of the philosophical disagreement. Will dc1 provoke dc3 all evening? Will they be unable to avoid arguing? That could make for a very unpleasant atmosphere in a public place.

If your sister thinks both dc hold potentially valid philosophical positions (eg different reasons for supporting or not abortion) in her shoes I would have one last attempt at encouraging dc3 to set differences aside for one evening, and let dc3 know dc1 will be seated at the other end of the table and won’t stir trouble.

And if dc3 still refuses then I’d say to dc3 that this year, it will be a lavish meal at home rather than a meal out and give dc3 some cash so they can organise a meal for themselves sometime and invite who they please.

Dc3 is being ridiculous.

Oh I posted before the second post! Is that truly all there is to it? If so that’s utterly ridiculous. I would tell dc3 that life is full of people who will build you up and tear you down, but mostly the latter. DC3 needs to grow up and move on, and your sister needs to tell dc1 that if there is any more needling dc3, then she will show her deep displeasure.

Perhaps, if they want to behave like 8 year olds, your sister could arrange for them to meet before the meal at her home, and ask dc1 to apologise to dc3 and they can shake hands.

I'd probably make it clear that I thought DC3 was overreacting to the comment (and check that was the only issue, because it does seem fairly extreme). But if it came to it, I wouldn't force them to have their sibling at the birthday.

Why does DC3 need to set differences aside and get over it? Has DC1 apologised for insulting DC3 and her career choice? Does DC 3 usually have to put up with disrespect and insults because she's the younger one?

What's between the siblings is between the siblings. I was just there when the conversation took place. The hard thing is my sister being put in a position where DD1 will ask if there is a birthday dinner and DD3 expects the mother to lie about it. We talked about it afterwards and my sister would rather just be honest with DD1 who doesn't know there is an ongoing issue. They need to work that out between them but it's not really fair that my sister is expected to be in the middle of it. She accepts DD3's choice but doesn't accept being part of excluding and deceiving DD1.

Mum needs to say to dd3 all the kids are invited and it's up to dd3 whether she attends.
Dd3 sounds ridiculous and this might bring her back to earth when she realises no one is pandering to her.

Me and Sis are going to talk about it some more. I think we're both a bit conflicted, so I'm raising the topic here for more thoughts.

Telling someone that their choice of degree "isn't very practical" is pretty tame stuff.

Your sister shouldn't be lying to anyone - DC3 should be upfront with DC1 if they want to exclude them from their dinner they should be able to say so openly.

It seems all a bit dramatic.

They are both a bit rigid in their thinking tbh. DD1 probably shouldn't have said it but DD3 is holding on tight.

Is it though? At that age when you're having the first real freedom of choosing what to study, it's kind of your entire life and all-encompassing. Yes, in the grand scheme of things it's not that important compared to, I don't know, war, death penalty etc but these things rarely have any personal connotations.

Why cans your sister say to DC1 "DC3 is having a meal but doesn't want to invite you because of your behaviour towards her." Can't she put the choice onto DC1 to apologise or be excluded? Effectively what DC 1 has said to Dc 3 is along the lines "you're a joke of a person" because she doesn't think her degree choice is worthy.

@BurstingSeams Agree. Maybe I'll suggest to sister that she just tell DD3 that she will be honest with DD1 when she asks about the dinner. Then hopefully they can sort it.

DD3 needs a talking to. The best "revenge" is for her to just carry on with life and show DD1 she's unphased by her comments.

If DC3 wants a say in who’s invited, they should pay for it themself. And also grow up and respect that people have different opinions.

I'm reading all ideas. Me and Sis are meeting up this afternoon so will talk about it then. I will update.

I sure as hell wouldn’t pay for a family dinner and exclude one of my own children, for such a pathetic reason. I’d cancel quite happily and let her sort out her own birthday. I’d be bloody livid if one of my children expected me to lie to and deceive the other.

just carry on with life and show DD1 she's unphased by her comments.
and you sister needs to think seriously about this. She needs to ask herself if DC1 would have said the same no matter which degree choices DC3 made (I'm guessing the answer here will be yes). I suspect there is far more behind this one comment and DC3 is finally taking a stand and drawing a line for what behaviour she will tolerate and what not. If she is constantly expected to roll over and take whatever from her older siblings then she will start to carry on with life - at an ever increasing distance to DC1 and your sister.

Oh but I wouldn't lie to the other sibling. If DC3 wants to take this stand because she's this upset about the comment, then she can stand by that decision honestly, not make other people lie to cover up her stance.

In this situation, as a mum, I would not throw/facilitate a dinner. I would tell DC3 that if that’s the case they need to organise and pay for whatever birthday event they want themselves. Then I would not be complicit in exclusion of DC1.

Exited to say that if, for example, DC1 had run off with DC3’s DH then my answer would have been different. However given infidelity, murder, assault or whatnot does not seem to be involved I’ll stick with what I’d do above as seems more a long standing g personality clash.

Then I would not be complicit in exclusion of DC1.
But you're happy to be complicit in the belittling of DC3?

DD1 is a doctor. I don't think it would be the same whatever the degree. DD1 has tried to organise meeting up socially with DD3 over the last few years and DD3 doesn't respond. They used to get on well. To be fair, they both have fairly rigid attitudes to things in general and can both be inflexible.

Dd3 and dd1 need their heads banging together, life is to short and if these sort of arguments drag on they can escalate, in years to come neither will remember the cause of the argument just that there is one 🙄.

Unless your friend wants to tip toe round this every family gathering she should tell them both to use this birthday to kiss and make up.

I think sometimes parents have to put a marker down. Facilitating a continuing feud by paying for and lying about a dinner wouldn’t work for me.

Ah, is dd1 the golden child who parents are v proud of?.... (ie gets away with shitty nasty behaviour) am with @BurstingSeams this has been last straw for dd3, and parents pander to dd1 and dd3 has had enough with the 'innocent, not at all meaning to be nasty' barbs comments.