Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

How the hell do I get my preschooler to STAY IN BED?!

27 replies

Chaosx3x · 22/04/2024 20:18

Sorry will be long. 3DC. Eldest is 5 and has some SEN mainly manifesting as anxiety. Middle is nearly 3. Youngest is 4 months. Up until recently whoever was doing bedtime with the big two would get them ready and into PJs etc and then sit on the landing between the two rooms while they went to sleep. Eldest would sometimes read for a bit with nightlight on during the first part of this, no problem. DH and I were happy with this arrangement and both kids seemed happy too (we have never been able to just leave them to go to sleep without being able to see one of us, eldest in particular would get very upset).

Middle DC has now since last week started refusing to wear her toddler sleeping bag (age 2-4 one which she was happy in before). In theory I don’t mind this, she’s in a toddler bed and has a duvet that she can use instead, she obviously was never going to stay in a sleeping bag forever. However she now just refuses to stay in bed. I do the whole normal bedtime routine and tuck her in etc and then she just starts saying she doesn’t want to go in her bed. The only way she seems to be ok about lying in her bed is if we sit right next to her. However I don’t want to start doing this as then it means we both need to do bedtime, one person to stay with eldest and one to stay with middle. And then who settles the baby?! My DH also suggested that we sit next to her bed until she fall asleep and then put the eldest to bed after this, however eldest gets all panicky about not being able to see anyone at bedtime even though she knows I’m just in her sisters room and she still has her nightlight on. I also think it would make bedtimes take forever.

Middle DC also sometimes asks to sleep next to us on the landing but it just seems a bit ridiculous. I just want her to lie in her bed! I’m sat literally about 8ft away from her.

I’ve tried bribery and it doesn’t work. Tonight she has once again fallen asleep on her bedroom floor about halfway between me and the bed. Any ideas? Supernanny would say just keep putting her back to bed and she’ll learn eventually. However she screams every time I do this and it keeps the eldest and the baby awake. The gentle parenting tribes would say she needs more “connection” but the only way I can really achieve this is to just let her fall asleep next to me or on my lap. WWYD?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 22/04/2024 20:21

TBH we got a LARGE cat, he loved story time and DD and basically lay on her and listened to her talking his ears off until she fell asleep.

He was the best nanny cat ever.

Sorry not much help I know!

anon2022anon · 22/04/2024 20:21

Leave her to it. If she starts trying to leave the bedroom, put up a safety gate. What harm is it doing? I think lots of kids go through this stage of embracing freedom.

QueenOfTheEntireFuckingUniverse · 22/04/2024 20:23

Gaffa tape? Large staple gun?

Or just let her potter around the bedroom. Have some books she can look at and just return her to the room everytime she leaves. It will take a while and it's infuriating, but she'll learn.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

3-6 months old 5 year olds Babies & sleep Children's sleep
butterflycatcher · 22/04/2024 20:24

This sounds extremely tricky. We have two boys who also prefer our presence to settle themselves. We tried out a Google mini in each of their rooms and get it to play bedtime stories from Spotify etc. We found having a voice reading to them in the room meant it felt like they had company once we had left them and they were more relaxed and able to get themselves to sleep. Just an idea. Hope you find something that works for you.

InTheRainOnATrain · 22/04/2024 20:26

Leave her to it. Stairgate the door if necessary. Put the eldest to bed a bit later and baby either also later, or first if they’re likely to sleep through any racket. With 3 I’d be prioritising a solid routine that gets everyone to sleep efficiently and can be done by 1 parent without too much hassle.

Edit: I would have picture books and a few quiet toys in her room though. I’ve always focused on enforcing staying in their rooms, and when they sleep is up to them. It works for us.

Cerealkiller4U · 22/04/2024 20:27

Just leave her to it

its good for her to be fine with this.

minipie · 22/04/2024 20:30

  1. could you sing or something so she can hear you albeit not see you?

  2. I suspect this is a roundabout subconscious way of getting more 1-1 time. Can you do a deal where she gets a special 5 minute cuddle/story earlier in the evening but this is in return for staying in her bed at bedtime? I used to have to tell DC2 that if she made a fuss about me leaving at bedtime then bedtime cuddle would be shorter the next day as otherwise she would spin it out as long as possible …

reluctantbrit · 22/04/2024 20:37

She may realise that the baby is there to stay and wants more time with you, feeling pushed aside.

Could you give her some more 121 time at bedtime and see if she would then settle with an audiobook? You could just have some speakers in her room and control it via your phone?

Original poster
Chaosx3x · 22/04/2024 20:38

anon2022anon · 22/04/2024 20:21

Leave her to it. If she starts trying to leave the bedroom, put up a safety gate. What harm is it doing? I think lots of kids go through this stage of embracing freedom.

I thought about a safety gate but she can climb over them. Also even if we got a big one I think she would just stand and scream and rattle the gate 😒

OP posts:
Original poster
Chaosx3x · 22/04/2024 20:41

Sorry I don’t really understand what everyone is meaning by “leave her to it”? We don’t have a stair gate on her door for reasons stated above. So if I just leave her to do what she wants then she would either never get into bed and just mess about in her room (which means eldest won’t go to sleep as she can hear her) or she’d fall asleep next to me on the landing. Is this what people mean by leave her to it? I need her to be quiet so it doesn’t disturb the eldest.

OP posts:
Octavia64 · 22/04/2024 20:42

We put a stairgate on the bedroom door.

Also changed the bed to be a futon cushion so they couldn't fall off it. (Twins)

Put some toys up there.

We couldn't make them fall asleep on time but they could certainly be in their bedroom.

We did have a baby monitor in there.

Original poster
Chaosx3x · 22/04/2024 20:43

minipie · 22/04/2024 20:30

  1. could you sing or something so she can hear you albeit not see you?

  2. I suspect this is a roundabout subconscious way of getting more 1-1 time. Can you do a deal where she gets a special 5 minute cuddle/story earlier in the evening but this is in return for staying in her bed at bedtime? I used to have to tell DC2 that if she made a fuss about me leaving at bedtime then bedtime cuddle would be shorter the next day as otherwise she would spin it out as long as possible …

But she can see me. I’m right in front of her! She doesn’t want me to sing. She wants to physically be able to touch me. I’ve tried your second suggestion and she promises me she’ll be good, she gets her special story and cuddle and then she messes around. I say she won’t get the story the next night but at that point she doesn’t care. It’s too far away in the future for her to be bothered by.

OP posts:
InTheRainOnATrain · 22/04/2024 20:44

Tall stairgate. Leaving her to it means ignoring any rattling or shouting. Toys and books in the room too. Start early. Put the eldest to bed later.

Original poster
Chaosx3x · 22/04/2024 20:45

reluctantbrit · 22/04/2024 20:37

She may realise that the baby is there to stay and wants more time with you, feeling pushed aside.

Could you give her some more 121 time at bedtime and see if she would then settle with an audiobook? You could just have some speakers in her room and control it via your phone?

Yes I was kind of thinking it must be about wanting more attention but she has so much 1:1 attention (she’s at home with me two full days per week as well as three other mornings, plus the whole weekends). I am trying to really focus on connection during the day and around bedtime but she’s generally more interested in playing with her older sister. Then also at bedtime if I have more 1:1 time with her then the eldest starts to freak out because she can’t see me on the landing.

OP posts:
Octavia64 · 22/04/2024 20:47

I'd suggest you need to work both on your eldest's anxiety and your middle's ability to settle.

Things that might help with your eldest:

Having recordings (if you or others) to listen to

You sleeping with a blanket or something for a couple of days so it smells of you

Weighted blanket or similar to help with bodily feelings of anxiety

With the middle one, some kids don't settle easily in bed. Unfortunately you now have two of those kids with essentially opposing needs. So either start training both of them to cope with the other or give up your evenings.

Original poster
Chaosx3x · 22/04/2024 20:49

There’s already lots of books and toys in her room. Maybe instead of telling her she needs to be in bed I should let her look at books and play etc if she wants to. But then what happens after that? She won’t voluntarily just get in bed. So do I just wait for her to fall asleep on the floor?!

This also isn’t helped by the fact that eldest is so anxious that if I was upstairs trying to enforce preschooler to stay in her room then she won’t stay downstairs without me and will keep constantly coming upstairs asking mummy where are you, mummy I miss you etc etc. Hence why I wanted to try both kids being in bedrooms but eldest is allowed to read etc and middle has lights off a bit earlier.

OP posts:
BurstingSeams · 22/04/2024 20:49

Sit with her for 10 minutes. Explain that you will sit with her but she has to try to go to sleep. If she talks, you leave. If she messes around, you leave. It was far less hassle for us to spend 10 mins with them every evening than to fight to get them to bed. After 10 minutes, if they're still awake, say good night and you have to go and do the washing up/vacuuming and you'll come back and check on them after. This worked like a treat with mine, if I went and did something quiet like reading they got out of bed to find me and mess around. If I did a noisy household activity, they knew I wasn't with their sibling and neither of them made a fuss.

Original poster
Chaosx3x · 22/04/2024 20:50

Octavia64 · 22/04/2024 20:47

I'd suggest you need to work both on your eldest's anxiety and your middle's ability to settle.

Things that might help with your eldest:

Having recordings (if you or others) to listen to

You sleeping with a blanket or something for a couple of days so it smells of you

Weighted blanket or similar to help with bodily feelings of anxiety

With the middle one, some kids don't settle easily in bed. Unfortunately you now have two of those kids with essentially opposing needs. So either start training both of them to cope with the other or give up your evenings.

The frustrating thing is that it was working ok until a couple of weeks ago. Middle was able to settle in bed without much fuss. Now the sleeping bag has gone, it’s like she’s realised how easy it is to get out of bed and so now she just won’t stay put 😩

OP posts:
Yummymummy2020 · 22/04/2024 20:51

I’m in your boat op. We have our four year old and two year old sharing a room so one of us just puts the two to bed and the other sorts the baby in the sitting room. It works very well as it means that they will share story time and go asleep with one of us in with them. Our four year old has likely some additional needs though not formally diagnosed or certain as of yet. She simply wouldn’t sleep at all without company falling asleep and it’s too tricky leaving one waiting so it works well for us! I’m not sure if it would work for you but might be worth considering temporarily until the older one is comfortable Not seeing you ect. I know it wouldn’t work for all kids if one keeps the other awake but mine tend to be ok with noise and can sleep if the other is messing.

BurstingSeams · 22/04/2024 20:51

Have you tried putting them in the same room? Eldest might not feel so anxious alone and you're in one place.

boozeclues · 22/04/2024 20:51

Zip ties.

joking, I think?

What usually motivates them? We did a sticker chart and he got cold hard cash for doing well (a quid or so). He is almost 11 and I can get him to anything for a few Bob. The enormous sock basket is sorted once a month for a tenner. Money well spent IMO.

I do feel your pain though.

minipie · 22/04/2024 20:52

at that point she doesn’t care. It’s too far away in the future for her to be bothered by

Fair enough she is probably a bit young for delayed consequences.

Hadn’t realised she can see you from her bed! What about you let her lie next to you on the landing? What’s the downside?

Original poster
Chaosx3x · 22/04/2024 20:55

BurstingSeams · 22/04/2024 20:49

Sit with her for 10 minutes. Explain that you will sit with her but she has to try to go to sleep. If she talks, you leave. If she messes around, you leave. It was far less hassle for us to spend 10 mins with them every evening than to fight to get them to bed. After 10 minutes, if they're still awake, say good night and you have to go and do the washing up/vacuuming and you'll come back and check on them after. This worked like a treat with mine, if I went and did something quiet like reading they got out of bed to find me and mess around. If I did a noisy household activity, they knew I wasn't with their sibling and neither of them made a fuss.

But what would you do with the older one? If I go in with the youngest then the older one will keep trying to come in as she can’t see me. If I tell her she needs to stay in her room until youngest is asleep then she will just cry because no one is with her and she can’t see anyone and it’s quiet. I’ve tried letting her listen to her yoto and it doesn’t work, she still gets upset because I’m in another room with her sister and she’s not allowed in. I think she’d be ok if o said she could watch an iPad but that seems like a slippery slope (and the middle would quickly cotton on to this and then protest even more about bedtime I suspect). It just seems impossible!

OP posts:
DiamondSS · 22/04/2024 20:57

Totally feel you here. It sounds easier than it is to deal with, especially with a baby. We have a 7 month old and toddler is taking longer and longer to go to sleep in his bed. Luckily now the baby is slightly older she now goes down earlier so it’s a case of leaving the toddler watching something on tv while the baby goes in, then go back and deal with him. It can be 9 o’clock by the time he eventually crashes out and it’s sooo infuriating when all you want to do is get your own PJs on, get a cup of tea and chill for the first time allll day. I do think sadly repetition is the only way to get them down, hope there is some sort of magic cure

RandomMess · 22/04/2024 20:59

Sleeping bag back on back to front and nappy pin the zipper shut.

Swipe left for the next trending thread