I'm shallow and I hate it

[Bebedoo]

Went for a few days away with my DP last week and looking back I realise since he has gone completely bald, I've taken no photos of us together. I hate writing this but I am suddenly very aware of how much I value appearances. We've had sex once since he cut all of his hair and it really freaked me out, like he wasn't the same person. Is it that I'm awful or is it that I don't love him enough to not let this be a big thing?

My DH is losing his hair now, but he hasn't lost his lovely, caring, funny (or so he likes to think) character.

I felt a bit like this when my dh grew a beard...i hated it...it made him look so much older....it was grey and scruffy and i just dont find him attractive with a beard.

My brother started seriously losing his hair in his 20s (inevitable given the genetic history and a source of great pain to him at the time, I remember him saying "There's no hope for me is there Sis") Now fully and eventually proudly shaved head.

He is also 6 foot 6, full of muscles, a very high earner and married to a former catwalk model.

But the heart wants what the heart wants.

Male pattern baldness is not something they can change or control.

DH was partially bald when I met him so it is all I have ever known, he was mid 30’s but surely it’s personality and who they are that you are really attracted to?

I’ve been with DH almost 30 years, I’m much bigger, look much older and have an awful scar from cancer surgery and ongoing gynae issues. I am not the same person he met, nor is he. We love each other though and have grown together through the crap life has thrown at us. And that is how it should be I think!

I’ve told my dh that even if he grows a huge rhinoceros horn on his head or turns blue, I’ll still love him.

DP is a very kind and considerate partner and dad. I have always struggled with how laid back and unambitious he is, leaving me to be the decision maker and main earner. I've looked past this because he's a good balance to my high anxiety/suspected autism.

I still try to look after myself and have tried inviting him out running/swimming and to try some healthier foods but he refuses. Now I'm finding it harder as I look over and see this bald guy drinking beer and laughing at lame stuff on the telly.

You clearly don't like him much and the bald thing is something physical you can pin it on.

Leave him, he will find someone who loves him for who he is, not his hairline.

@boomermama

you might be.

personally I look & feel like a pile of 💩

maybe it'll hit you next year, next month, tomorrow...

or maybe you'll continue not suffering & just being a lacking empathy twat?

It sounds as though you don't like him very much and this has tipped you over the edge.
My husband is mid 30s and has been shaving his head for a couple of years due to going bald.
We've been together 21 years.
We both definitely don't look the same as the 2 young teenagers we were.
I love him more than I ever have.
I hope I have the privilege of growing old with him.

So many red flags here. He is massively disrespecting you. Time to secure your finances and move on. You deserve so much better than this.

S'ok @BronwenTheBrave, we've had other people get the wrong thread this evening!

I look over and see this bald guy drinking beer and laughing at lame stuff on the telly.

That's my husband right now and I love him more than I can say.

I don't know if you're shallow OP, but you definitely don't like your husband very much.

I hope you are on the wrong thread. How is he being disrespectful by changing his hair? Would you say the same if it was the other way round?

@Pieceofpurplesky I think she got the wrong thread

Sounds about right.

Yes you are shallow! I'm sorry to be blunt, but I think you're using his lack of hair as an excuse. If you truly loved him, you wouldn't care how he looked! Do him a favour and let him find someone else who loves and appreciates him for who he is, not what he looks like.

What?
OP is a red flag!! Not her DH!

It sounds like the issue is not so much the thinning hair but the hairstyle he has chosen.
My dh got a Mohawk many years ago - I was aghast! I made my opinion very clear and luckily it was gone in a day and a half. Shaved hair is not too bad on him.

I think differences in opinion re style, etc is fine until something is a bit too drastic. I'll be extra patient for a month and see if you stop seeing it/ his hair grows back a bit to something that he feels comfortable with/ you don't find so unattractive.

You've got the ick

I was the same when my dh tried a beard a couple of years back…I had to really bite my tongue about how much I hated it. Fortunately he did too when he realised the full Santa Claus effect 🤣🤣

Also, I wanted to add, from what I observed with my dh he found it very difficult when he's hair has started thinning. It effected him for sure. May be you find him more annoying, because he is more annoying at the moment. You are both going through this (him possibly feeling worse).

If you’re shallow, then so are a lot of us. Not finding someone physically attractive at a given point in time isn’t a moral failing on your part. Love and lust are connected but not the same thing. Our partners don’t owe it to us to always fancy us sadly.

It sounds like this is a symptom of a wider issue though. While the balding isn’t his fault at all, it sounds like you are frustrating about him not taking care of himself in general and you’ve focused on this as the most drastic change in his appearance.

I’m sure plenty of people will tell me I’m an awful person, but in a previous relationship my ex took no care of his health and as time passed he gained a lot of weight. I no longer found him attractive, but this was due to his lack of interest in any exercise or healthy eating. If he had been a naturally larger man who took care of himself, it would have been totally different to a slim bloke gaining a huge beer belly. We all age and change, we don’t have control over things like hair loss or illness but we do have control over how we take care of ourselves.

I really feel for your DH here. Surely you knew he and you (and any partner) would age .

You don't truly love him. Do him a favour and let him find someone who does and you can go and find a man with a nice thick head of hair (be warned it will probably thin out eventually too) but then you can move on again because you'll probably still look perfect won't you?

We've all been there 😂