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Original poster

Devastated husband wants divorce

26 replies

Soontobesingles · 18/04/2024 12:40

I married my husband just over a year ago. We have a 2 year old and I have a 9 YO from a previous who lives with us 50/50. DH and I were together 18 mo before marriage but friends for a couple years before that. My DH always had a problem with my 9 yo, not to the child but to my ex. He hates that we speak regularly (a few times a week about son) and are on good terms (we been broke up since my son was 1 and both moved on but amicable for the child). Though it seemed to me DH got on well with my son and we have lovely holidays and fun times, DH has recently said he has resentment to my son cos he is so like his dad and doesn’t enjoy time he is with us. All the looking like he is happy has been pretend apparently. Today husband said he can’t stand the situation any more, doesn’t want to resent me and the child as it’s not good for us and wants a divorce. What can I do?! Why did he marry me and have our baby if he feels like this?! He just says he thought it would get better with time and our own kid but has got worse and his mind is made up. I am a wreck what do I do? How can he do this to our child? He just says he can’t help his feelings and doesn’t want his child to have a resentful parent. So just walk out on us?!?

OP posts:

Original poster

Soontobesingles · 18/04/2024 12:41

Throwaway as don’t want attached to my normal account.

OP posts:

Upsidedownlife · 18/04/2024 12:46

He sounds like a man baby and this is very poor behaviour. Are you sure he’s not cheating as this sounds suspiciously like a made up excuse

Q124 · 18/04/2024 12:46

Am I reading that right? You've been together 2.5 years but have a 2 year old together?
It's all very rushed. Maybe he's not had time to think anything through before now.

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1 year olds 2 year olds 9 year olds Relationship problems

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 18/04/2024 12:47

You eventually come to understand it’s for the best as his resentment for your son will only increase.

He should have realised this well before having a child and marrying you but he’s a dick

BoohooWoohoo · 18/04/2024 12:47

Yanbu to be angry that he should have told you this before marriage and you had a child together but it’s not fair on your older child to have to live with a man who secretly resents him too.
You must be devastated that he has been lying to you for so long 💐
There is nothing that you can do. Although you’re in pain right now, this is the best thing for your older son- he should not live with someone who resents his existence. I could not love someone who resented my child.

ItsFuckingBoringFeedingEveryoneUntilYouDie · 18/04/2024 12:47

Would he get some counselling/therapy to understand why he feels this way and learn how to manage what sounds like jealousy? Before jumping straight to divorce, which seems a little hasty.

It is great that you are so amicable with your ex but, do you honestly need to speak as often as you do? And is it truly just about your son.

Motnight · 18/04/2024 12:48

Agree it sounds like someone else could be waiting in the wings.

There's no coming back from this anyway, Op, your husband has declared resentment towards your son. It's over. It sounds horrible, I am sorry

Tel12 · 18/04/2024 12:49

TBH it sounds like a excuse. I'm guessing that being a full time parent is hard work and he's ducking out.

GolfForBrains · 18/04/2024 12:50

What a dick.

What's his plans for your child together? Is he going to be a 50/50 amicable co-parent or is he planning to avoid the whole situation which is apparently so difficult in reverse, skip off into the sunset and leave you to it? I think I can guess.

gamerchick · 18/04/2024 12:53

Making you choose without saying it or he's using it as an excuse to bail. Had a try at the being a family and decided it's not for him.

Tell him he's right and he must leave ASAP. Contact with child and CM will have to be sorted. Would he like to go through CMS and solicitors.

Original poster

Soontobesingles · 18/04/2024 13:00

Q124 · 18/04/2024 12:46

Am I reading that right? You've been together 2.5 years but have a 2 year old together?
It's all very rushed. Maybe he's not had time to think anything through before now.

Yes I got pregnant quickly, stupidly though he wouldn’t hurt me as we had been friends first. Seemed such a nice guy.

OP posts:

Original poster

Soontobesingles · 18/04/2024 13:01

GolfForBrains · 18/04/2024 12:50

What a dick.

He’s not said. Said he wants contact with dd and will need to find a place to live. I am sahm he said he doesn’t earn enough to cover both of us so I have to go back to work.

OP posts:

Original poster

Soontobesingles · 18/04/2024 13:02

Upsidedownlife · 18/04/2024 12:46

He sounds like a man baby and this is very poor behaviour. Are you sure he’s not cheating as this sounds suspiciously like a made up excuse

Don’t think he’s cheating. He is here all the time really or we go out as a family. He works from home. I supposed he could be in theory but would have to be like half our meets when I am at shops.

OP posts:

ginasevern · 18/04/2024 13:03

It's one of two things (most probably both). He hates parenthood which isn't that unusual for blokes or he's got another woman lined up. Men are never honest, they always shift the blame and get nasty. In this case he's blaming the set up with your son. If you're son didn't exist it would be your mother/sister/you, whatever.

I know you're devastated (been there, done that) but you will eventually be better off without him. He doesn't want to stay.

Original poster

Soontobesingles · 18/04/2024 13:04

ItsFuckingBoringFeedingEveryoneUntilYouDie · 18/04/2024 12:47

Would he get some counselling/therapy to understand why he feels this way and learn how to manage what sounds like jealousy? Before jumping straight to divorce, which seems a little hasty.

It is great that you are so amicable with your ex but, do you honestly need to speak as often as you do? And is it truly just about your son.

Sometimes we do talk about other things but nothing deep. We check in on behaviour and school issues, social things like parties and that. My ex also has a new wife and 3 kids so it’s not like he is a threat!

OP posts:

breezefromthesea · 18/04/2024 13:13

My guess is that he doesn't actually want a divorce but is playing games to make you cut down on contact with your ex through fear of losing him.
I suspect he thinks you'll come running to him saying ok I'll stop chatting to ex and fix whatever else is bothering you.
Don't fool for it or it'll be something else next week.
He hates that he can't have you all to himself and feels he's sharing you with a man who's also had a child with you.
It's lovely that you and he have such an amicable relationship for your son so don't take that from your boy, he's lucky.
This is your dh loss.

ginasevern · 18/04/2024 13:17

Soontobesingles · 18/04/2024 13:02

Show quote history

Don't kid yourself. My DH and I were almost inseperable. We even worked closely together! He was connecting with another woman online who apparently understood him better than I did.

Codlingmoths · 18/04/2024 13:26

He thinks lots of things and he wants lots of things doesn’t he?? I’d start making sure everyone knew he was leaving because he couldn’t stand a 7yo boy and you were devastated you had chosen to have a baby with a man like that. He deserves to see a little public opinion.

Luddite26 · 18/04/2024 14:03

I'd guess he's got someone else lined up. Good luck with returning to work Etc. what a nob.

zeibesaffron · 18/04/2024 14:33

Unfortunately you have married an immature idiot! There is clearly no threat from your exH and its grated on him that you and your ex have an adult relationship that is based on what is best for your older DC. He is also fundamentally jealous of child - I mean who does that!!!

He has jumped straight to divorce, not counselling or talking things through which probably means this is an excuse for something else.

I really don’t think it’s all about your ex and son. My exH left me after a year saying it was because he didn’t want kids and I did - it was all lies he had another woman lined up, who got pregnant by him almost straight away!!!

There is nothing you can do - offer joint counselling, if he says no - get everything aligned, paperwork sorted etc and look for a job. You and your kids deserve much better, take care xx

AcrossthePond55 · 18/04/2024 16:45

@Soontobesingles

Ok, this is the harsh reality. Anyone can call time on any relationship for any reason, or for no apparent reason at all. Whether or not that's 'right' or whether or not he should 'keep trying' isn't really relevant, it is what it is.

What this means is that if he has decided he no longer wants to be married to you there really isn't anything you can do about it. Suggest counseling by all means if you want to, but be ready to accept his 'no' with no further discussion. Right now the best thing you can do is take a deep breath, deal with the practicalities, and above all keep your dignity. Let him go, calmly and with no begging or pleading. You'll be glad you did.

Right now it's imperative that you see a solicitor ASAP. Beg, borrow, or steal the money but do it now. Yours is a 'short term' marriage so chances are you'll walk away with what you came into the marriage with plus CM. If there is a house, it will depend on whether or not it was acquired before or after the marriage. A solicitor will advise you best on what you can expect from a divorce. I get it, you don't want a divorce. But that doesn't mean you don't want to know what one will mean. Knowledge is power. And getting educated on what divorce may mean to you doesn't mean you have to file for one. It's just a case of 'forewarned is forearmed'.

Get back into the workforce as soon as you can. And never, ever again put yourself at the mercy of a man by not having some modicum of financial independence.

And seek IRL support. Find a friend or relative in whom you have confidence to keep things to themself and confide in them. IRL support can be invaluable, even if it's only listening and handing you tissues.

You can do this.

Hartley99 · 18/04/2024 17:45

Tel12 · 18/04/2024 12:49

TBH it sounds like a excuse. I'm guessing that being a full time parent is hard work and he's ducking out.

Yes, I think it’s an excuse. If he has met someone else he should be honest and tell you. Don’t be surprised if a few weeks after you split someone new appears on the scene. No doubt he’ll make out they’ve only just met.

SuzieQISeeYou · 18/04/2024 19:31

It sounds as though he either has someone else lined up or, more likely, married/stayed with you out of duty because you fell pregnant but has decided he can't do it anymore. I'm going through something similar. I'm sorry. This isn't a decent man

Greywitch2 · 18/04/2024 19:45

His feet would not have touched the fucking floor if he'd married me and talked about my child in that way.

I'd have told him that I would never, ever forget him saying he 'resented' my son and that I would be filing for divorce as soon as I could. In the meantime he was not to speak to me again, and if he could move out then I wanted him to do so.

That kind of comment about a child is utterly, utterly unforgiveable. Absolutely no coming back from that.

I'd tell him that like him, I couldn't help my feelings and I would be looking at him with utter loathing from now on and wishing he was not the father of my second child. Communication over access would be done via email.

He's disgusting. Don't be devastated - be decisive.

EG94 · 18/04/2024 19:59

would of been good if he put the brakes on pre marriage and additional child. I don’t resent my step son but one is so much like his mother, has the same vacant look and deffo makes it harder to take to him. I wouldn’t leave my partner over it tho. Other things yes but not that.

that said if your husband has already expressed he feels the communication is too much, it seems you haven’t respected this, totally ignored it and continued. Frankly you only need to discuss out of ordinary drop offs/ pick ups anything that’s seriously happened at school.

as a SM the interaction with the ex is minimal but annoying when she pipes up. If my partner was talking to her regularly I’d be pissed and id say this is unnecessary and if it continued, I’d leave because my boundaries clearly not respected.

perhaps the amount of communication planted a seed for your husband which has grown and grown.

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