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Original poster

What do I do about this friend completely disappeared.

36 replies

Beavers9 · 17/04/2024 22:05

Really need some advice please , excuse my poor grammar. I have a very close friend of 15 years and who was also my bridesmaid and helped me out a lot in a stage of life. I did move away from the town 11 years ago now but always stayed in touch and would message regularly and would see each other a few times a year she would come stay with us. She came up for the hen night wedding birth if my kids and birthdays ect.

She isn't married nor has a partner or has any children so apart from light relief work she does that I know off , she doesnt have big responsibilitys as such. We always said though we didn't always have regular contact it never felt strange when we did meet up and just could ramble on for hours I messaged her before Christmas about something on Wats app and all she did was an emotion back didn't think anything of it then. I have tried a few times to contact on wats app but they dont even show she's picked them up yet she's been on line. I've texted her and phoned her and I've had no replies back nor does she awnser the call. She doesn't have social media I do have her house number but she still lives with her parents so think this would be quite awkward to make contact . I honestly don't know, I've messaged saying I'm sorry if I've offended her in any way and try to leave it open.

i miss her so much shes a good family friend and is a wonderful "aunt" to our kids. Where do I go, im seriously concerned incase something serious health-wise is going on I just don't know . I can see she's been on Wats app but the messages I've sent haven't been opened

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 17/04/2024 22:08

If you can see the messages have been sent and that she has been on WhatsApp it looks like she has archived you maybe?

Original poster
Beavers9 · 17/04/2024 22:22

@Quitelikeit could that be done accidentally type thing by a mistake .
Thing is I've actually like texted her through SMS and not had anything back

OP posts:
MalibuBarbieDreamHouse · 17/04/2024 22:24

Do you know her house phone number? If she lives with her parents they may still have one.

I don’t think she will be mad if you reach out and all is well.

CherrySocks · 17/04/2024 22:28

You could send her a card in the post with your contact details on etc saying you hope she's OK - it could be she lost her phone and all her contact details.

turkeymuffin · 17/04/2024 22:30

This happened to me a few year ls ago.

I never heard from my supposed best friend / bridesmaid again.

I tried her work emails, everything. She just decided to cut me off. I still don't know why.

(I do know she's not dead... her family keep
In touch but say nothing about her... she's threatened to cut them off too if they step out of line).

MrsCherryCrest · 17/04/2024 22:34

For whatever reason, it appears that she’s decided she no longer wants to be friends. If you’ve contacted her via text, WhatsApp message and phone, and she’s not replying then that’s a pretty clear message. Sorry OP, I know it’s painful.

Ladyprehensile · 17/04/2024 22:37

A few years ago I had a friend do this to me too. She just disappeared into thin air.
She came to see me, brought Christmas card and gift. Stayed for tea & cake, waved goodbye with “See you in New Year” but I never heard from her again.

I tried every means to reconnect with her and to this day have no idea what I might have said or done wrong. I just have to hope she’s ok.
Really hurtful and weird behaviour.

WaitingForMojo · 17/04/2024 22:41

I once had a friend who suddenly stopped replying. I thought I could see that she’d been active. Unfortunately, she wasn’t with us any more and it was the police accessing her phone that had been ‘active’ online. I hope it isn’t that!

Have you got her on social media, can you see that she’s actually posted something so you know she’s alive?

turkeymuffin · 17/04/2024 22:41

Ladyprehensile · 17/04/2024 22:37

A few years ago I had a friend do this to me too. She just disappeared into thin air.
She came to see me, brought Christmas card and gift. Stayed for tea & cake, waved goodbye with “See you in New Year” but I never heard from her again.

I tried every means to reconnect with her and to this day have no idea what I might have said or done wrong. I just have to hope she’s ok.
Really hurtful and weird behaviour.

It's weirdly common. And yes so hurtful. I have suspicions that her new partner told her to cut everyone from her old life off.

YearsofYears · 17/04/2024 22:43

I had this once with a close friend too. He just completely dropped me. It was really shocking and bewildering at first. I now wonder if it's about control? As they know it hurts.
Hopefully it's not the case with your friend. Maybe she's going through something hard. Time will be telling.

littlebitstuck2024 · 17/04/2024 23:16

Well at least you know she hasn't died because you can see she's been on WhatsApp even if she's ignoring you.

It's a really shitty thing to do. Why can't she just reply to let you know she's ok and say she's too busy to meet or whatever?

I had a friend do something similar with me when I was at school. We used to hang out at school every single day for the last 2-3 years of school, we were close friends and texted and met up outside of school regularly. On the last day of our GCSEs, she just suddenly blanked me oit of nowhere. We'd never had any arguments or disagreements. I remember it as clear as day. I came out of my exam and was chatting to a few people we were both friendly with. I saw her within reasonably close distance, usually she would come over. I shouted her name a few times and she ignored me and hurried off on her own. She'd have definitely heard me. I couldn't really run after her to catch up with her with all the crowds of people so I sent her a text straight away to check she was ok and see if she wanted me to meet her. Ignored. I messaged her on social media. Ignored. Over the following few weeks, I sent her quite a few messages asking if she was ok and asking if I'd done anything to upset her. Again, ignored. I asked mutual friends at the time and they hadn't heard from her either and were as confused as I was. I'm still baffled. I bumped into her years later and she said hello but no conversation, I suppose there wasn't really anything to say after so much time had passed. I still have her on social media all these years later, she never deleted me or blocked me and I can see she still uses it from her "likes" on mutual friends' posts. It's so weird, I'll never know what happened.

Elieza · 17/04/2024 23:25

I'd send her a card and write in it that you've been messaging but it seems they haven't been delivered and put your details again.

If she ignores you after that you know she's not interested.

IDontHateRainbows · 17/04/2024 23:32

It's rude as shit when people do this.

I had a close friend of 25 years cut me off by text over something ( in my opinion) fairly minor, worthy of a discussion after all that time at least.

It hurt like hell and I'm only just about coming to terms with it a year later.

I'm less trusting of people now.

HoHoHoliday · 17/04/2024 23:41

Perhaps she has tired of the friendship because it sounds a bit like the effort has all come from her side? She's come to your hen, wedding, birth of your children, come to stay with you, but have you gone to her at all? All you say there is that she apparently has no responsibilities, it's quite dismissive. It can very very demoralising to be the single childless friend and have to do all the legwork to accommodate someone else's responsibilities.

Also odd that you've tried to re-start contact again by saying you wondered if you've offended her and left it open.

If this were me and I hadn't heard from a good friend for a while I'd be saying some combination of
I'm worried because we are usually in touch but I haven't heard back from you.
Are you ok?
Is everything alright?
Can I do anything to help?
Can you let me know you are ok because I'm worried about you.

BettyShagter · 17/04/2024 23:43

If you're seriously concerned then contacting her parents is not awkward at all.

Just do it.

SnobblyBobbly · 18/04/2024 00:22

I've cut right back on a friendship of 30+ years because something happened that just burst my bubble made me truly realise that my friend only wants me when she has a problem, but when I've needed her she isn't there, so I'm just done.

I'm not going to explain it because she's a grown woman and knows as much as I do how things have changed again. It's always been the same and I only really hear from her if she wants something or when the shit hits the fan in her relationships.

Sometimes people feel taken for granted so much that they're just totally done and can't be arsed to explain.

IfIwasrude · 18/04/2024 00:27

I would send her a casual card in the post saying you hope she's ok, you're a bit concerned because you haven't heard anything from her, and you're there if she needs you or wants to chat.

asidream · 18/04/2024 02:19

I think she may have cut you off. I know how hurtful it is.

My best friend of 13 years did this to me a couple of years ago, and also cut off all of her childhood friends she'd known since she was 3 (they're also my friends). We've still never fully known why she did it. Completely cut us all off, her family members I was close to also ignored any attempts to ask how she was. We were all so worried that something had happened to her. Two of our friends eventually doorstepped her a few months in - she was awkward, didn't say much and the conversation was short.

One of our friends mum's bumped into her mother a while back, she said she had severe social anxiety and some kind of problems. But that she was doing well at work as a nurse and had been promoted.

The mind boggles. My best friend could be selfish from time to time, but never imagined she'd do something like this. Sometimes people just do weird shit and cut you off.

Nothing wrong with asking her parents though, in case there's something going on. If they say nothing, then you know. It's hard, but you have to find other things to focus on and she'll reach out if she wants to.

whackadoowhackadoowhackaday · 18/04/2024 04:46

Just phone her parents and simply ask if she's ok. Then at least you'll know she's fit and well.

PatchworkElmer · 18/04/2024 06:09

I think I’d send a card, saying you’re worried and just want to know she’s ok. If you get no response then I think you have to leave it.

I’ve had similar done to me and a group of university friends by someone we thought was one of our best friends. She’s always struggled with her mental health and I was genuinely worried sick. Fortunately I’m connected with her sister in law on social media and I know she’s ok.

As to the ‘reason’, literally the only thing I can think is that we went to her wedding one winter and had to leave early (10pm). She could be quite a petty person. The reason for leaving, which she well knew, is that I was a few days off giving birth after a very complicated pregnancy, one of my other friends had food poisoning, and the other didn’t want to stay without us as she knew nobody else.

As often happens in these situations, we’ve obviously discussed her behaviour as a group and realised that she’d been saying subtle unkind things about each of us to the others, so it really is no loss, although it is confusing and hurtful.

tastydiner · 18/04/2024 06:17

I wouldn’t send a card. You’d never know if it got there ok. I’d phone her parents. Say you are concerned and you just want to know she is ok. If she doesn’t want to talk to you, that is also ok but to know she is alright will, at least our your mind at rest.

Original poster
Beavers9 · 18/04/2024 07:09

WaitingForMojo · 17/04/2024 22:41

I once had a friend who suddenly stopped replying. I thought I could see that she’d been active. Unfortunately, she wasn’t with us any more and it was the police accessing her phone that had been ‘active’ online. I hope it isn’t that!

Have you got her on social media, can you see that she’s actually posted something so you know she’s alive?

@WaitingForMojo unfortunately she doesn't have social media well

OP posts:
Original poster
Beavers9 · 18/04/2024 07:16

HoHoHoliday · 17/04/2024 23:41

Perhaps she has tired of the friendship because it sounds a bit like the effort has all come from her side? She's come to your hen, wedding, birth of your children, come to stay with you, but have you gone to her at all? All you say there is that she apparently has no responsibilities, it's quite dismissive. It can very very demoralising to be the single childless friend and have to do all the legwork to accommodate someone else's responsibilities.

Also odd that you've tried to re-start contact again by saying you wondered if you've offended her and left it open.

If this were me and I hadn't heard from a good friend for a while I'd be saying some combination of
I'm worried because we are usually in touch but I haven't heard back from you.
Are you ok?
Is everything alright?
Can I do anything to help?
Can you let me know you are ok because I'm worried about you.

@HoHoHoliday I have gone to see her many times whenever we go back to the town like I say she still lives with her parents so if we go to her house obviously that's me and the kids descending on her so I do have to choose a suitable timeframe. We've also gone out though also

Also all the questions you wrote is what I put on the texts also

OP posts:
Original poster
Beavers9 · 18/04/2024 07:24

I have managed to message her sibling and they told me (they live again at home with the parents ) but hardly see her as she does work away at times and they hardly speak to her when she is at home but she is alive

OP posts:
Bonbon21 · 18/04/2024 09:04

Write her a proper letter.. keep it chatty and newsy.. mention her silence has been worrying you and that you miss her. If she has accidently 'locked you out' maybe she thinks you have cut her off!