To be furious that friend is over an hour late

[SnowmanInTheSun]

Friend was supposed to be here at 1 (she decided the time). I have made lunch, which is now cold. She texted at 1.10 to say she was setting off in ten minutes and has now just called at nearly 2pm to say she's stuck in traffic. I'm furious. This is so disrespectful and I just needed to get it off my chest. No reasons given btw...

What a nice life you otherwise lead OP if this makes you "furious"

Presume you berated your friend on arrival with your fury. You might as well be honest.

It’s disrespectful of your time. I completely understand.

Yep that's pretty piss poor.

I couldn't get over excited about someone being late especially as they're known for it. Just wait for her to text that she's leaving before you start prepping food next time. It make it less formal with nibbles.

for me it would all depend on what the friend is normally like.

I had a friend who used to do this shit - it was as though she thought her time was more important than mine. Needless to say, we don’t see much of one another now. (Early is on time, on time is late, late is unacceptable)

The only thing that works for people like this is for you to be out when they arrive. That way they message you immediately and so you know what time they arrived. Take your time and then reply that you had to go out and that if they'd been there on time they would've known that.

Personally I can’t stand lateness so unless she has a very good reason and is apologetic I wouldn’t agree to do anything with her again unless you’re doing it anyway or other people are going.

@quiznight@ no not a friend who turns up late once, or even twice. But if someone sets a time to suit themself and then fails to set off until 20 mins after set time I see nothing wrong in eating ahead of their arrival. I’ve done that with one particular friend, and we are still good friends twenty years later but now she’s never more than five minutes late, which I don’t mind at all

I'm with you OP, lateness like that is not acceptable.

Give her the benefit of the doubt and hear her out - she might be going through something she doesn’t feel comfortable explaining over text message. If not at least you haven’t over-reacted.

Sorry I am late back to this thread. @frozendaisy yes, in the moment I was furious because if someone states a time then it is only good manners to stick to it.

To update those that asked, she finally arrived, a full hour late. She apologised for the lateness but had no proper reason other than setting off late. She's very hit and miss with timekeeping, sometimes late and ok at other times. If anything, this is worse because I never know what to expect. She has a lot going on in life and I empathise but my life is also very busy and I think the least anyone can do is turn up on time if someone has made the effort to cook for them. We ate together but the food was not as nice as it would have been if we ate it when it was freshly cooked.

I will be limiting future contact because although I was in the comfort of my own home it still had an impact on the rest of my day and definitely affected my mood.

Drop her like a hot brick OP.

Don't make excuses for her and yes to limiting contact. I have had to do this with a friend who was consistently late. Once we were going to a big sporting event and I was stuck outside waiting for her as I had her ticket and couldn't go in. When she eventually turned up she apologised and then I said to her nice hat - she then told me she had popped into a shop on the way there to get it!!! Grrr - I was so annoyed, like she didn't value my time. Still annoys me now thinking about it!!!!

I had a couple of ‘friends’ like this. Last time I saw one of them she left we waiting for 45 mins for no good reason. I just got up and left. Never saw her again.

Did you let her know you were annoyed? If she’s a good friend she would take it, and be a bit more considerate in future, even if just letting you know a bit further in advance that she will be late.

How old is she OP?

Sometimes I just struggle with leaving the house.
I think it came on with peri-menopause. Yes, I make arrangements, yes I am perceived as ‘sociable’, and yet sometimes it just so damn difficult.

Financially, I don’t need to work but I do because it makes me leave the house. The longer I stay in, the worse it gets.

Talking to others, this is not uncommon

Friends respect each other. There seems to be some sort of unwritten rule that if you're a buddy you are always forgiven. Nope, not in my world.
No advice, but I would be furious too and likely never bother with them again. Even if they had the best excuse under the sun there's no reason to not text or call and say "sorry I'm going to be late, the cat just died"
Lateness is probably my biggest bug bear and I'm anal enough to get to my destination early and wait around until the exact time I stated and then turn up.

I also hate people who turn up unannounced!

I had a friend like this - was late every single time (with everyone) I let the friendship drift as she wasn’t going to change. These people believe that they and their time are more important than anybody else.

My sister does this, but I'm used to it and don't organise my day around her. Something always comes up to prevent her leaving when she intends to. However, I'd be annoyed at a friend doing it. Perhaps OP, your friend thinks it doesnt matter because you are at home.

Just tell her you don't gel as friends. Leaving your house just to spite her would be embarrassingly pathetic. To me being furious was a big overreaction. I find idea of PUNCTUALITY AS A MORAL VIRTUE in friendship sad, being punctual is a skill that comes down to a million things.
I recently read Saving Time: Discovering a Life Beyond the Clock by Jenny Odell and wish this book was everywhere.

"I will be limiting future contact because although I was in the comfort of my own home it still had an impact on the rest of my day and definitely affected my mood."

You're not really friends.

You know friend can be hit and miss. You know friend has a lot going on. You chose to start cooking before checking if friend had left. You've chosen to limit contact, though said friend did nothing out of the ordinary, and during a period when friend has a lot going on.

I'd confidently guess, as I said above, you're not really friends.

The usual 'disrespectful', 'think their time is more important than yours', 'rude' etc etc - it's probably none of these. There are lots of reasons people are habitually late and is rarely a result of any of the above. This doesn't make it any less frustrating or mean you have to put up with it. Your friend probably felt terrible at their lateness and was probably, yet again, mortified knowing that said lateness will have negatively impacted your day.

True friends choose to accommodate and accept their friends' annoying short comings - it's part of the fundamental facets that enable friendships to be formed in the first place.

@MadMadaMim I don't understand the basis on which you are saying the issue is that OP didn't really consider the person a friend anyway rather than the friend being utterly inconsiderate?

@SnowmanInTheSun I really get how you feel. I have had flaky friends who either habitually cancel plans or don't turn up or are late and they don't last long as I stop making plans with them.

I had a friend who was always late and didn't understand why it was inconsiderate. One time she was about 30 mins late to a dinner and explained it by saying she was 5 or 10 minutes early and instead of waiting she popped to the shop next door. I was really annoyed and pointed out that she seemed to find it unpalatable to sit and wait for me for 5-10 mins if she were here before me but thinks it was okay make me wait half an hour instead. I can't remember how she responded but I do her feeling like I had maybe been too direct.

We have fallen out recently as she is simply inconsiderate at times and I have had enough.

@hottchocolatte where did I say that?

Nowhere.