If you move away you have to accept that friends may not visit you regularly

[OnlyLoveCanBreakYourHeart]

My best friend is moving out of the area. I will visit her, but we won't see as much of each other as we do now. Last time we met she went through her friends list and said she thinks most people will visit her regularly. I didn't say this to her, maybe I should have done, but I have another friend who I am no longer in contact with who also moved away and thought friends would visit her. None of our group are in contact with her anymore, it's just too far to go for a day trip. It's hard enough to find a lunch date we can all do! What do you think MNetters? Neither of them intend to come back to the area their friends are to keep the friendships going, they think people will visit them.

Out of sight, out of mind, in my experience.

Yanbu - how far away is her new home?

A couple of hours by train.

Yes, the distance is very pertinent. Next town, 5 miles away, no biggie; but from what you've said, it sounds like she's moved at least one 'region' away.

However well-meaning people are, unless she is constantly coming back, it's going to mean that you see far less of her and maybe eventually lose touch, apart from Christmas and birthday cards.

Taken to extremes, I always think on episodes of Wanted Down Under that a lot of people are very unrealistic. They hope that people will hop on a plane and visit them in their lovely sunny new home, but realistically, they'll probably see their loved ones (in person) a handful of times in the rest of their lives.

I'm sure it's not quite that drastic for you, OP, if say your friend has moved from Oxford to Swansea; but proximity is a huge part of naturally maintaining friendships. Even families tend to become a lot less close if one branch moves a considerable distance away.

It's not really that though, she's a lovely friend and I will miss her so much when she moves. It's just so much easier to meet a friend when they are 10 minutes down the road to 2 hours away.

A couple of hours by train.

Thanks for confirming, OP.

I'm afraid two hours is well outside the zone for regularly seeing each other. Most people won't travel that far regularly even for a well-paid job, not just a friendly meet-up.

I think it depends how often she also travels to visit friends. Effort is 2 way! How old are you all too? Think it also depends on life stages you are all at. But yes I agree she almost sounds like she is trying to convince herself.

I've moved a lot over the years. The in-person friendships that have endured are the ones where both people make the effort to travel.

Yeah we moved two hours away. Best friends have visited once a year to stay with us, nobody comes for a day trip.

We’ve moved a lot and reality is you leave all but your very closest friends behind when you do.

You can absolutely still keep up friendships even if you don't live near each other. Dh and I live probably 3-6 hours from close friends from our pre-kids days and I moved to a whole different country when I met dh. I don't see my friends from my home country ever (it's been probably 15 years!), but we still keep in touch. With UK friends, we visit each other 1-3 times a year. It's more tricky now we all have dc. But I think that's how friendships often are in middle adulthood. You catch up when you catch up. But it's a stage in life when relationships aren't build around brunches or nights out anymore.

"Out of sight, out of mind" doesn't necessarily denote any animosity at all. It doesn't mean that you've deliberately abandoned or grown to dislike somebody; just that the regular reminder is not there in your busy mind that's juggling everything else that you might need or choose to think about in your life.

It depends on a lot. If you and or her drive and are confident drivers with reliable cars, then two hours is nothing. Leave at 10am on a Saturday morning, get there for midday, nice lunch, few hours shopping or whatever, leave at 5pm, home at 7pm. Thats easy, you could do it once a month. If you both have children, partners, clubs, hobbies to consider then it gets tricky. If you’re both financially ok, it’s easy. If you need to rely on trains it’s harder. If the families all get on, then it’s a day trip out and you can all go.

My elderly in-laws have been unwell recently and my DH pops two hours up the M4 once a week. It’s easy, electric car so no fuel costs, he leaves me and kids at home, it’s no bother.

If you and her make the effort it’s doable, if you think ‘oh it’s soooo far, then it’s probably likely to dwindle’.

This. I move internationally every few years. It’s hard, but those really special friendships have remained close, because both parties make an effort.

You do leave a lot behind with each move, even though you tell yourself nothing will change. The person who moves away ends up finding this out on their own. I wouldn’t mention it, because she’ll notice soon anyway herself. I’ve lost many friendships simply because of the distance. Not everyone (me included) has unlimited time and money to keep in touch with people who live far away, and that’s fair enough.

I think a lot of people have a very small-minded idea of what constitutes "far away". I'm moving two hours away from my home town soon and my parents think they'll never see me again. They live 3km up the road and I see them maybe once a month at the moment, if even that.

We have friends who are well-traveled and they happily drive 2 hours to visit us on weekends. I suppose when you've driven the length of the likes of the USA and Europe, a two hour drive is a short hop.

Depends on everyones' perspective, but people would do themselves a favour to visit countries where you have to drive 8+ hours just to get to the nearest town.

Yeah it's sad but true. Have lovely friends who moved about an hour away and haven't seen them in over a year. Other friends moved to Cornwall, they live somewhere a lot of people would consider going for a weekend/holiday and they have ample space for hosting (you basically get your own annexe) so people seem to travel there more often. I have friends all over the country who I make the effort for, but there are only so many available weekends and at some point you make a choice as to who/where to prioritise.

As the person who moved away, I have travelled back to visit my friends far more often than they come here to visit me. I'm very happy when they do make the effort to visit, but I don't expect it.

I'm the one of friends who at the moment lives out of area (about 2 hours from schoolfriends, 3 from family). But at other times a couple of my friends had also moved away for years before moving back to original area. My family have also moved an hour in the opposite direction (parents and 2 siblings live within 40 min drive from each other).

The key thing is can you stay over at their house, or them back at yours? Popping for lunch is much harder with a 4 hour journey. Spending a couple of days with an activity (or just lots of wine) is easier. But even then it's only a few times a year. I can't go and visit, or be a host every weekend of the year and nor can they.

Some of my friends live a few hours away and although I see them less often that more local friends, we still see each other about once a month. We also video call often and WhatsApp most days. If they’re real friends, everyone makes the effort.

Oh that’s sad, I moved abroad for years and still managed to keep my long term friendships going. They visited me, and I them. I think if people want to make an effort with the friendship, they will. In this case, if she isn’t willing to return and you aren’t willing to visit, it sounds like it’ll just fizzle out.

Our friendship group has now scattered so we only meet once every couple of years!

My best friend moved away. Only an hour and a bit. See her once a month now and she often says “I wish I lived closer”. It’s the planning part, you can’t just say come over on Friday for a takeaway, or fancy a coffee in town, or shall we go to the cinema tonight. So the distance is felt in that way.

I have maintained very strong long distance friendships over many years. It did involve both sides making the effort to travel to see each other, but I enjoy going to stay with them and having them visit so not a problem.

Two hours is nothing, really. I often meet friends who live two hours away, but I've never known any different as I'm the one who moved away. We sometimes arrange to meet halfway for lunch so it's only an hour drive for each of us. I don't see them weekly or anything but every month or two is definitely doable. Inbetween seeing each other in person we keep each other updated on our lives by texting/sending photos and I think that really helps.
I've never had the "let's just pop over for a drink" kind of nearby friends though so I've got nothing to compare it to.

I moved about 90 minutes away from my home city 15 years ago. While friends and family absolutely do come over to us occasionally, I definitely see it as on us to travel back to see people a bit more. I use flexi time once a month to get the train over and meet my close friends for lunch / afternoon drinks (they are all part time so can do a weekday). I'll either get the train back or stay over with family / a friend if it turns into a late one.
I'll make it known on the family WhatsApp that I'm in X pub from X time and they will sometimes drop in for an hour (all get on with my friends / know each other so not an issue).
I know my closest friend was a bit gutted when I moved but she knew the reasons and was happy for me. She's chuffed that I make so much effort, but she is absolutely worth it.
We also have friends 3 hours away who moved away 10 years ago and it's pretty even in terms of travelling up / down or meeting in the middle for a weekend camping / in a cottage. We love them and their kids and really value the relationship.
So it can definitely work but only with goodwill on both sides, not expecting someone else to do all the legwork to maintain a relationship.

Pretty much all of my friends live far away. If we didn't make effort we'd never see each other ever!