If you move away you have to accept that friends may not visit you regularly

[OnlyLoveCanBreakYourHeart]

My best friend is moving out of the area. I will visit her, but we won't see as much of each other as we do now. Last time we met she went through her friends list and said she thinks most people will visit her regularly. I didn't say this to her, maybe I should have done, but I have another friend who I am no longer in contact with who also moved away and thought friends would visit her. None of our group are in contact with her anymore, it's just too far to go for a day trip. It's hard enough to find a lunch date we can all do! What do you think MNetters? Neither of them intend to come back to the area their friends are to keep the friendships going, they think people will visit them.

Neither of them intend to come back to the area their friends are to keep the friendships going

I can’t imagine someone actually saying that they expect their friends to come me visit them 100% of the time but won’t be coming back to visit them?!

I think even in the best case scenario it inevitably changes the dynamics. You won't ever have those last minute quick catch ups over a coffee for example. You can't just grab your coat and go over when your friend needs a shoulder to cry on. Having to plan everything in advance is totally different. That's not to say a good friendship can't endure but it's harder.

I do make the effort to see close friends as I am the only one in our friendship group who moved away to a different part of the country from where I grew up , but I have to admit it’s often for convenience. For example, one friends lives in a big city, and I go an visit as she has room for us to stay and there is lots to do in said city for my children, also she has children of a similar age so I make a mini break of it. I also stay with her when I go down for work trips and theatre trips etc. other friends live in the same town as my sister so I see them when I see her to ‘kill two birds’. Other friends and in laws live in a part of the country which doesn’t interest me, not loads to do so I hardly ever go down 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️. I realise that makes me sound callous but it works both ways - I live in a small town in an ‘untouristy’ part of England and no one ever really comes to see us!

We've got longstanding friends who moved five hours away. We tend to meet up half way for a weekend maybe five times a year. I have local friends who I maybe see five times a year due to them having small kids, shift working etc.

It does get a lot easier ones kids are older.

Brother on the other hand moved to NZ. I don't know if I'll ever see him again, they can't afford to come back. I don't want to go to to NZ for only two weeks and in their winter. They made that decision though. My mum has been out twice in five years and is going this summer, but doesn't think she'll be able to do it again, financially and health wise.

I moved away from all my friends - about 4 hours by car or public transport. Yes some still visit despite the fact I moved 16 years ago. What we do more often though is meet at a town in the middle - so we both travel 2 hours instead of 4.

I’ve got a really good friend who I make a concerted effort to drive up and meet every 4 months or so. It’s a 4 hour trip each way so drive up without my dc, she leaves her dc at home with their dad and we book a hotel somewhere in the middle - it takes a lot of coordination from her as her dc are younger than mine (mine are 18,19 and 12) but we make it work. She lived 5 minutes from me before she moved and we probably spend more time overall together socially than we did before she moved!

You can make long distance friendships work, they just require effort and planning.

I moved about an hour a way. My friends came over once to see the house. Other than that we meet up a couple of times a year in the middle of all our places. Takes about 30 minutes each. I wouldn't expect anyone to make the full trip often!

Same, @BreakfastAtMimis. Now everyone has moved and scattered so we keep in touch via a group chat and meet up in-person in various places. The one friend who doesn’t make the effort to meet up is increasingly left out- not because we’ve fallen out with her, but we can’t all go to her every time.

The OP’s friend will soon realize that her plan is unrealistic!

I think it depends on attitudes to travel. My parents live a 6-hour drive away which makes going anywhere else in the UK seem like a doddle in comparison.

I’ve got friends who live 2-3 hours away who DD and I will happily go and see for the weekend. Friend who moved 1.5 hours away I’ll happily pop over for the day or we can meet in the middle. None of the friends I met in London still live in London but the close friendships have mostly survived.

It depends how much the friendship is really valued. My best friend moved away 10 years ago, currently 2 hours away but has been 5. We see each other every 6 weeks.

My friend moved away when she went to Uni and we still see each other just not that often. We keep in touch via text but it’s only really special occasions we see each other. I’m moving away this year so will be even further away but both our families live in the same location so makes it easier.
When I move I don’t expect anyone to come visit me, although I do believe the ones that care will make an effort. Obviously not every week but it’s still doable.

It depends on whether you are the kind of person who sees travelling to see friends (regardless of who left) as a normal thing to do. I've moved around a lot internationally, and am still close to, talk to, and make an effort to see, friends in other countries. I'm not from the UK, but went to university there in the 90s, and am still in touch with UK and non-UK friends I met then, many of whom are scattered all over the world. I was talking to a friend in Washington whom I last saw in the flesh over ten years ago, yesterday, and friends came from Paris for Easter, and we're going on holidays with them in August. I regularly hop on a train to see friends in other parts of this country. We all have FT jobs and children and a lot going on, but it's a matter of priorities.

This. My friends live all over the UK. If you want to meet up, you make the effort. Your friend needs to make effort to come back and visit as well, it's not all about people going to her!!

So she thinks most people will visit her regularly. What does she mean by 'regularly'? Once a week is regular, so is once a year.

Also, will she be returning the favour and be coming back to visit all her friends regularly too?

Depends where. We’ve lived in nice and not so nice places. Had to practically beat visitors off with a stick in the nice ones.
No illusions that it was our scintillating company 🤣

A lot is dependent on family commitments. I think a day trip is mostly out because to do an activity or a nice meal and a drink you need to stay over. Do they have room? Will you be happy to spend a whole weekend away if your children are small or they need ferrying to activities and it needs both parents to do so?
I would have expected the friend to travel back and be able to see all or most of you in a weekend rather than expecting all her friends to travel to their new home. Will your or other friends have room for her to stay?
2 hours isn't far but in a full working week it really would take Friday night to Saturday night, or Saturday morning to Sunday which doesn't leave you rested going to work Monday morning. It's something most friends would do occasionally but not on a regular basis when you have the rest of your work and social life to fit in.

I think it depends on the length and importance of the friendship. If an old school or uni friend moved further away, I’d still see them but just a lot less often. If a local mum friend or work friend move away I’d probably try and keep in touch but it’s more likely just to be on social media as I’d be giving on local friends.

• focusing

I think very best friends will visit, but other than that, probably not. I also think that it's the responsibility of the person who moved away to visit, on the whole, as they're the one who've created the distance.

Only one of my closet friends lives locally to me. All of my other friends live a distance away, from 2 hours for some - several others live abroad (Thailand/Australia). My friends in the UK I generally see every couple of months and message each other at least every few days. With them it's a combination of visiting each other in our respective places, meeting half way for dinner/lunch etc, weekend get togethers somewhere else in the UK. With my friends living abroad generally it is them that travel back but we speak regularly on SM and calls. These are all well established, long term important friendships, I can imagine for less established friendships the out of sight, out of mind element would play out.

I moved away and I’ve been I visited by my best girlfriends twice. My sister once! And seen other people because they were holidaying in the area. That’s it. I moved away 18 years ago. My mum has been the only regular visitor. I still see people when we go back to visit family but it’s rare for someone to come to me. I always offer up the spare room so they wouldn’t have to pay out to stay anywhere.

I agree with the poster who talked about the perspective of distance. I live in the US and my assessment of distance is completely different now! A couple of hours drive is barely noteworthy. We have a cabin about 3 hours drive away and we go there most summer weekends. By contract, my brother insists that my elderly parents meet him halfway when they meet for lunch, because he thinks a 1 hr 45 m drive is far too much for him to do.

For me, friendships are worth the effort to maintain, so I wouldn't flinch at a few hours, but my time on MN has shown me (unfortunately) that people tend not to inconvenience themselves for others that much.

The big thing that stands out in the OP for me is that the friend expects people to travel to her all the time but seems to have no intention of travelling back to see the OP at all. That would be the big stumbling block for me. Why should the person who didn't move be put out all the time?

I have to say, I find "None of our group are in contact with her anymore, it's just too far to go for a day trip" quite a weird statement! We're living in the 21st century, there are lots of ways to keep in contact without having a day trip! I can understand feeling put out if your friend seems to expect you to make all the effort, but writing off a 'lovely friend' who you will 'miss so much' because she lives 2 hours away seems extreme. I moved away from my home country 15 years ago, and work in a field where people move countries frequently, so now have friends scattered all over the world. We're lucky if we see each other every couple of years, but we keep in touch with Whatsapp, zoom, phone calls and when we do finally see each other it's like no time has passed. I do make a lot of effort to see the people I care about whenever I'm in my home country though, and am lucky that lots of my friends have visited me here many times over the years (helps that I live in a prime tourist location ☀).

I think you are right OP. Though it does not stop things such as remembering birthdays and Christmas, for example.