How do you cope with husbands erectile dysfunction

[IHaveChangedMyNameForToday]

I have changed my name for this but have been on MN for years.

My husband has recently started some medication for high blood pressure and it's become evident that this is causing erectile dysfunction.

We had an active sex life, and love/fancy each other very much.

He has gone to the GP and got viagra, this does work but they will only prescribe 4 tablets a month.

The main issue, apart from only having 4 prescribed shags a month (!) is that it takes the spontaneous element of sex off the agenda. It all seems so formal asking him to take a tablet if I fancy a roll in the hay.

Has anyone else experienced this, and how did you get over this? We are affectionate and loving but there's something odd about going from a kiss, to taking a tablet and then waiting an hour or so for the magic to happen!

Has your husband tried diligently to lower his blood pressure through diet and exercise? If he can, he won't need that medication. That would be my main focus if I were him.

He is really fit and healthy. On the lower side of a healthy BMI and exercises 3-4 times a week.

The hypertension is caused by some other medical issues which require an organ transplant to fix. It's a long story meaning he is on three different hypertensives to help. The last one, prescribed by his consultant, is the one causing the problems.

That's awful. I suppose all you can do is try to keep things as loving and exciting as possible. What if he tried taking the pill to "surprise" you? Would that help?

It might help. Would be just his luck that I wasn't in the mood or had to go out at that point..and when you only have 4 tries a month each one really counts! .

It will hopefully be a short term problem. I naively thought that the NHS wouldn't be so stingy with the prescribing! I'm reluctant to buy online because you could end up with something dangerous rather than what you are looking for. .

We were so spontaneous before, not been married very long before he got really ill, so were at the 'the kids are out, get your kit off stage!' so to go from that to what feels like a very clinical arrangement is a bit jarring.

My DP takes various medications for a motor neurone type condition and we didn't have a lot of success with viagra but cialis (tadafil) is much better as lasts 36/48hrs. He buys it online.

Not helpful, but I’m not sure I could cope with this

@4thtimelucky that sounds amazing. Will the NHS prescribe this or is it only available online? Happy to buy if it's from a reputable site

You can buy it in Boots.

If you're sure that it's NHS rationing rather than his consultant not wanting him to take it more frequently then there's nothing stopping you buying more if you can afford it.

@HummingbirdChandelier it's been a challenge. For a while I thought it was a combination of me/feeling ill but after a long frank conversation and a weekend of trying and failing to make things happen, we went to the GP. It's not perfect, they are reluctant to prescribe the full dosage due to potential medical complications but we have managed to have full intercourse since which was blissful.

I potentially owe my neighbours a bottle of wine!

I can relate to this , I find the lack of spontaneity, validation and assurance that he is turned on by me , that a natural erection gives very difficult to cope with and hard to communicate with to anyone.

Probably sounds weird but I've had to completely readjust my expectations about it and have thought that women in same sex relationships also don't get such visual clues and obviously can be fulfilled.

I suppose the difference is lesbians don't want that and wouldn't be turned on or excited by a hard on so they haven't given anything up ( maybe someone bisexual could offer insight).

We still have a very satisfying and intimate sexual relationship but it's just completely different and sometimes that just does make me sad there's no getting around it.
I have to just think on balance I'm still very much in love and feel loved and hope for better health and medical advances.

• also re medication sadly that has come with side effects like constant headaches that just further buzz kill the entire thing 🥺 Sorry I'm not offering much hope but can relate.

Luckily most partners aren’t that shallow. 🙃

@EmilyGilmoreenergy actually that is reassuring to have some solidarity about the emotional impact of ED. Somehow when he was ill but our sex life was good, it felt like at least that was okay. When that got taken away I had a quiet cry in the garden because it was yet another thing taken away.

@ditalini oh it very much is NHS stinginess. The GP has put it on repeat but with a note to DH to say they will only prescribe 4 tablets every 28 days!

It's difficult because the one person you probably should talk to about it you can't really because it feels like kicking them when they are down and is also even more likely to reduce the chances of an erection.

@EmilyGilmoreenergy it feels like quite a lonely place to be. :(

Similar position to you OP. We focus on the positive and say that Saturday morning is our time, no kids around, and no work to go to. Ok is not spontaneous but we look forward to Saturdays and it works for us.

I am just being honest 🤷🏼‍♀️

Ouch. So much for "in sickness and in health."

My DH cannot get a natural erection due to an injury. He has tried a number of medications, including viagra, but now injects a medication straight into his penis and then gains an erection as we fondle, more organic so to speak. It takes minutes only and he is more natural after an orgasm but will be hard again quickly and can therefore continue for much longer, if that’s what we want. Needles into your penis is not for all men to be fair but what I’m trying to say is that there is a range of medication out there, viagra is just one of them. You need to find the one that suits both of you. We still don’t have spontaneity as such because he would not inject unless I’m up for it. So we hint (flirt, touch etc) or come straight out with wanting to have sex. I don’t need an organic erection to tell me he fancies me. To be honest I don’t think our sex life now is so different from most.

Go back to the GP and see what else he can try that will be fine with his medication.

It is , sometimes I'm sad, sometimes I'm irritable and angry about it sometimes it doesn't bother me at all.
It definitely gets easier I promise, it's just a big adjustment and mindset shift.

You can buy viagra in the chemist now. The lack of spontaneity is a bit of a shame but there are lots of couples in the same boat.

They are limited to 4 and they check if ordered too early. I’m not sure why the NHS needs to support viagra use to be honest. You can buy direct and use as you please.

Sometimes it feels like we are the only ones. Thank you all for sharing with me. I don't really feel like I can talk about it with my friends, feels like I am betraying DH somehow.

@Scarletttulips DH is currently not working due to ill health. His GP was happy to prescribe as per NISE prescribing guidelines.