How to manage conversations with one family member dominating?

[Applestrudel19]

Sorry it’s a long one.

I have a parent who tends to talk continuously in conversations. It can be things from the past, or present day, but once started it’s like the whole conversation is dominated by them.

My parent has always been a domineering force though, even before this and has strong opinions on many topics and naturally speaks loudly.

Normally I let them talk, I’m naturally quite passive in conversation (probably a learned response)… just adding ‘yep’ ‘I see’ etc in relevant places, and wait until they ask me or my family a question.

The trouble is, my DH struggles with this monologging, and is totally disconnected when the family is together, and sometimes will strike up a conversation with one of the children while my parent is talking, which I feel is rude, but I’m not sure if I’m over sensitive.

The children (14 and 8) will sometimes talk over the parent (their grandparent) and I say for them to ‘hang on, grandparent is talking’ but the trouble is the story is ongoing, so I don’t get to hear what the children are saying.

Sometimes I’ll try to say ‘sorry I’ll just check what dc want’ to my parent to halt them. The children usually will talk about something off topic, like something funny they have just seen and then the conversation moves completely in another direction so the original parent story can get lost. If I redirect back to the story to let them continue, we are all locked in again.

I feel bad that the children can’t talk, i can see them disconnecting also, looking bored.. I feel bad for my parent who seems to have so much they need to impart and I feel bad for my husband, who just gets so frustrated that he ends up making an excuse to not be there when my family visit or closing down any 1:1 conversations that my parent tries to start with them.

Previously my parent has not taken interpersonal advice well, and stated they felt attacked. I have bought them a specialised book that they can record family stories in.

I guess I’m a bit lost. I dread my parent coming over, not because of them (I love them) but for how it makes my DH react and how awkward I feel trying to keep everyone on good terms and failing.

how can I manage this better?

suggest seeing your parent alone rather than with your family, whenever possible. Especially if they’re a poor grandparent in other ways too.

You're pandering. I can see why you are, as it's clearly learned behaviour from your upbringing, but other people are not obliged to pander, or to follow you in rewarding the monologuing parent with attention. If they are old enough to have grandchildren, and still have so little self-awareness that they can't see when they're boring other people, it's hard to know what to suggest. I have a ND godson who had to learn, in his teens, how to decode signs that he was boring someone, and we practised conversations and noticing signs, but he is a clever kid and put his full intelligence into something that he wanted to learn, to make friendships easier.

Basically, you can't please everyone here. You are trying to prevent your parent from needing to deal with the consequences of their own conversation-hogging, which is no one wants to be around them. They are alienating everyone.

Yes I agree with the above, make it so that you can see your parent alone and send the others off.

I get your view, and your actions to date and why, but they are now causing a problem - ie there is this issue and you've gone along with it, but now it affects others.

I'd separate it. It's too late for him or her to change probably and your dynamic is as it is. Minise the fallout from now on. Not ideal but that's life.

My Father in Law is like this. My husband absents himself mentally as a result of being so frustrated with him over the years - he wasn’t the nicest father. We see him very infrequently because he drives my husband so insane. I tend to try and manage the conversation a bit, to the average person it’d be very rude but everyone else suffers if he’s just allowed to go on.

I mean, it's not actually your DH's problem, or your children. They're doing the completely normal thing of avoiding someone whose behaviour alienates them. You love the person who is alienating them, but you seem to be partly blaming your husband and children for not pandering.

I had same problem and same reaction as you. But after years of this I just allowed interruptions. It's fine for your DH to start a separate conversation. Even if it weren't, it's not your job to do the emotional skivvying and make sure everyone is as subservient to parent as you are. DH and DC can fight own battles.Interrupting is not ruder than monologuing.

I'd also get into habit of saying, hang on, let me see what DC want, if they have tried to speak a couple of times and the monologue hasn't paused. If conversation veers off, let it. You aren't chairing a meeting. Try not to be hypervigilant at pleasing dominant parent. That's a self appointed role worth unlearning.

Monologuing is an autism trait. There is nothing you can do about it if your parent has never learned the requisite social skills to be able to engage in conversation.

If it’s driving you bananas, you’ll just have to see less of them.

Yes thank you, you are all right. I’ve noticed it getting harder and harder as DH and the children move away from them (and also me when they visit).

I can see that I have been enabling them, the path of least resistance was easiest growing up but that strategy is no longer working. I have already started to meet them without the rest of my family, but it’s good advice to keep doing that, thank you.

I don’t think they can change but I might have another gentle word in their ear, away from everyone else, about trying to keep conversations equal around the dinner table.

I can feel it’s starting to impact me and DH, so something needs to change for sure.

I can totally sympathise. My mum is like this and it drives me insane. She's in her 80s and still doesn't have the self-awareness to stop.

I'm not sure I have great advice, though. If I'm talking about a holiday I've just gone on, for example, and mum starts to tell me what my holiday was like - which she does - I just stop talking. If she asks why, I say that she clearly knows what my holiday was like more than I do, so why doesn't she carry on and tell me what we did? That usually embarrasses her...

sometimes will strike up a conversation with one of the children while my parent is talking, which I feel is rude

Nothing wrong with this. They're having a separate conversation to the one your monologuing parent is having. You can have multiple conversations in the same room.

Ploughing on with a monologue and not allowing anyone else to get a word in edgeways is rudeness anyway, so I'm with your DH on this one.

My DF does this. It's beyond annoying and i doubt it will change. I don't really have advice but I tend to avoid family meals together until I start to feel guilty about him. When i phone him or visit I am prepared for him but honestly it's mentally draining and I come away very stressed. To the point that I've gone through phases of not contacting him because I just can't handle him. That's another point, I always contact him, he would never pick up the phone and ask how I am. The monologues are bad enough but he has the same number of topics that just repeat. Repetition is so common at his age and bad enough when it's a two-way conversation. His repeated monologues tend to be rants complaining about police, the council, government or worse still, some very specific bureaucracy issues from his job in the 1990s.

Thankfully DH handles him well, they have a shared interest in a sport so DH steers him from rants with 'what did you make of Xs goal..' etc and it works. DH like me has a limited capacity for him so i meet him alone maybe 2 out of 3 times. Same with kids, its just awkward. When he comes they are warned to be polite and understand its a box ticking exercise and he won't be here again for a while. Honestly I could never imagine going for a trip or anything with him, a few hours a month is all I can take.

Sorry that wasn't terribly helpful! No advice other than limiting visits.

We have monologuing grandfathers on both sides. It is tedious and yes, rude. We have found ways over the years to change the topic, play a game at the dinner table, involve the DC, or use lighthearted teasing to shift the mood. I no longer sit and act spellbound anymore, life is too short and why is their need for attention more important than the +++other people who are sitting there listening to them!? DH has also rang his DF in advance of special occasions and asked him to try and engage others in the conversation rather than just blather at us for hours. Mixed results with that one!!

Just make a joke out of it. Bloody hell sharins bern trying to fet a word in for an hour here...
Monologuers are so boring

we may have the same DF! There are times where I get low/sad about it when I hear about other Dads calling their children, leaving funny voicemails/texts, etc. Mine is totally impaired when it comes to social skills.

Is it the kind of relationship where you make a joke about it? Our family has several loud, opinionated people (I can be one of them, I know!!) but when we're together, we have the 'family spoon'. When you're holding it, you're allowed to talk. It works for us but we are also quite jokey.

@lifesrichpageant I get very down about it too, my Mum died when i was only in my 20s and before I had my family so that's all I have on my side. When I told him I was expecting my first child (first grandchild) he congratulated me and asked how I was feeling etc then switched back to monologue and never mentioned my pregnancy for the next six months!! I insisted on talking about myself, I'd phone and tell him I had a scan or bought a buggy or whatever but it was upsetting that he had no interest. I don't have the energy anymore with 3 kids to give him that attention.

@Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong ah, that is tough, especially after losing your mum. My DH and I have had endless discussions about this, and the anger/disappointment/shame/sadness it can bring for us as their children. I can only assume it is from a lack of care/attention in their early years from caregivers. And that they literally don't know any other way of relating than just holding court/lecturing. Both my DF and FIL have boarding school histories which I feel might play a factor. It feels like such a wasted opportunity for connection. I can really relate.

@lifesrichpageant Interesting.. my Df was a boarding school kid too.

Yes we talk about it all the time here. I have sisters who understand too. Sometimes it's so ridiculous that its comical. Like how many steps it takes to turn a random topic to his favoured topics. I play this mentally all the time. Bad weather = roads dangerous = potholes = council!!! Would you like a glass of wine = drink driving = police!!!

Tbh, social/communication impairment is most likely down to undiagnosed autism. Anyone who monologues, or elevenerifes, or brings things back to their perspective, is probably fairly neurodivergent.

Such lazy stereotyping!

plenty of common garden NT people with crap conversation and listening skills!

Well, many of my friends and family are ND and don’t resort to monologuing, because they’re self-aware. However, it is an autistic trait, and the people I know who do monologue/elevenerife are those that struggle to mask, or have developed maladaptive social coping mechanisms.

As an aside, if I was like this I would love someone to tell me and say mum your boring everyone, tell me in private.
I would want to know.

I know some monologues and they are very witty and I'm happy to hear the stories. Some are bloody boring, a lady at work brings everything back to herself all the time.

This is my granny.( she’s like my mum) I think it’s down to them not feeling seen or heard as a child. She is not autistic.

It can be very very draining. One Christmas Eve she talked for three hours straight and one by one my kids disappeared out of the living room 🙈 EVERYONE that came to my house was greeting with ‘ hi xxxx, did you hear about our xxxxx passing away 5 years ago ..’ Then everyone would have to relieve my uncles heart attack. This was on Xmas day.

I was talking to some one once and my granny kept butting in but the other person would absolutely not let her take over and kept talking. So I had the two them talking at me - it was very bizarre. Granny actually started pretend crying like a little a little child and then I realised it was down to her having to do this as a child to be seen or heard.

So I visit her by myself so she has my undivided attention ( and leave totally drained)

I take her to the market once a week early morning so I ‘have to rush back’ because of X,Y,Z

If I pick the phone up to her I am quite confident in cutting her off and say ‘oh I have to go little Jonny is about to have his tea ect..’

I don’t pick the phone up if I am mentally battered.

If we are out as a family we do not sit by her side and I allow the kids to speak and chatter amongst them selves. I do not let her take centre court when I’m with my family. I practice this by getting up mid monologue and get a drink ect..asking kids if they want one.

It’s tough OP after all these years I’m still unsure if she is aware she is doing it BUT I don’t let it effect my family anymore as ultimately they will avoid even wanting to be in her presence in the future ( middle one already hides from her)