How to manage conversations with one family member dominating?

[Applestrudel19]

Sorry it’s a long one.

I have a parent who tends to talk continuously in conversations. It can be things from the past, or present day, but once started it’s like the whole conversation is dominated by them.

My parent has always been a domineering force though, even before this and has strong opinions on many topics and naturally speaks loudly.

Normally I let them talk, I’m naturally quite passive in conversation (probably a learned response)… just adding ‘yep’ ‘I see’ etc in relevant places, and wait until they ask me or my family a question.

The trouble is, my DH struggles with this monologging, and is totally disconnected when the family is together, and sometimes will strike up a conversation with one of the children while my parent is talking, which I feel is rude, but I’m not sure if I’m over sensitive.

The children (14 and 8) will sometimes talk over the parent (their grandparent) and I say for them to ‘hang on, grandparent is talking’ but the trouble is the story is ongoing, so I don’t get to hear what the children are saying.

Sometimes I’ll try to say ‘sorry I’ll just check what dc want’ to my parent to halt them. The children usually will talk about something off topic, like something funny they have just seen and then the conversation moves completely in another direction so the original parent story can get lost. If I redirect back to the story to let them continue, we are all locked in again.

I feel bad that the children can’t talk, i can see them disconnecting also, looking bored.. I feel bad for my parent who seems to have so much they need to impart and I feel bad for my husband, who just gets so frustrated that he ends up making an excuse to not be there when my family visit or closing down any 1:1 conversations that my parent tries to start with them.

Previously my parent has not taken interpersonal advice well, and stated they felt attacked. I have bought them a specialised book that they can record family stories in.

I guess I’m a bit lost. I dread my parent coming over, not because of them (I love them) but for how it makes my DH react and how awkward I feel trying to keep everyone on good terms and failing.

how can I manage this better?

My dad was like this, he died last year. I found him really difficult to talk to because I couldn't tell him anything without it being turned into what he wanted to say. Recently one of my children said she hadn't felt close to him and I thought well no wonder, given she was never spoken to or asked questions. I used to call my dad whilst watching tv with the subtitles on as he just wanted to talk.

@Hugosmaid

Your granny probably is autistic, it’s just that autism (as we currently conceptualise it) wasn’t a ‘thing’ when she was growing up. She sounds like she has definite communication and interaction deficits, alongside maladaptive emotional responses.

I’ve realised that my mum is autistic. Her way of responding in conversations is to bring it back to a story about her. She doesn’t have the ability to expand a conversation along other peoples’ lines.

My dad did this. He died a few years ago. He probably was ND looking back but it was never thought of then. We put it down to him being patriarchal really and expecting to hold court in a family of women. He had his special subjects and would not allow anyone to talk, interrupting me if I tried to join in. If I even looked at my small children to check they were ok while he was talking, he would crossly ask if I was listening. It was awful actually and I didn’t feel that close to him at all sadly, even though he could be very kind and was generous in other ways. He didn’t know me and I didn’t know him because him telling me about whatever dubious documentary he’d watched was much more important. I did try to listen and not look bored because it was obviously important to him and thought that I would miss this after he’d gone but you know what, I don’t miss it but I do miss him. Sadly not as much as I maybe should though. It’s a shame. My mum has taken the floor now maybe after many years of not being able to get a word in edge ways! That is draining too, bless her.

Somebody not taking criticism well does not mean they should never be criticised.

It just means when you tell them how you feel, they'll sulk or tantrum.

At which point you walk away and tell them you'll talk about it more when they're able to be more rational.

My father is neurodiverse. I still say 'Dad, do us a favour and put a sock in it' when he starts to monologue. Neither neurodiversity nor the assumption that a penis acts as a kind of permanent conch shell entitling you to hold the floor indefinitely in gatherings in which you are the only man are in any way excuses for droning on.

I totally agree with you @DanceMove , ND people need to learn to shut up too. As the years have gone on I am utterly convinced my Dad has some form of autism and I think someone would have done him a favour to tell him when it was too much. In fairness he is a very mild mannered man and doesn't get angry when interrupted just finds a way to weave back to his chosen topic monologues. I see the same trait in my youngest DS with Aspergers. I try to train him to look for social clues so he doesn't become a bore.

My Gran held court too, definitely not ND but extremely arrogant and believed she was the head of the family, even our household. She was intelligent, witty and glamorous and different to any Gran I ever met but we had to listen to whatever she chose to talk about, even if we heard it all before. The monologue ended when she asked a question. We were not allowed to interject or debate. I said I disagreed with her on a topical issue once and apparently my behaviour was appalling and disrespectful. Even years later it turned into a 'funny story' where in my teenage rebellion I didn't agree with every word she said. All the cousins heard this story and still bring it up. All these years later i feel my parents did her a disservice, I could have had a much better relationship and memory of her if someone had just stood up to her and told her how to converse in a normal appropriate way.

I agree with you @DanceMove and @Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong I wish it had been that kind of family where you could challenge or question or even gently tease but it wasn’t and isn’t sadly. Deference and “respect” is expected utterly and I would have been in deep trouble if I had said anything. Even if it was for my parents’ benefit eg POA, I would get shouted at if they didn’t want to hear it. PIL are the same re knowing your place. I know absolutely nothing even though I’m in my 50s and have lived in the world and know quite a lot I think! I may as well be 8 years old still to them. It’s sad isn’t it? And doesn’t make me want to spend time or try and help because you have such a hill to climb just to get them to hear you.

I see the same trait in my youngest DS with Aspergers. I try to train him to look for social clues so he doesn't become a bore.

@Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong, I did this (along with his mum) with my autistic godson, and, together with him putting his considerable intelligence into it, it really helped him by the time he got to university, where he has plenty of friends and a good social life.

We weren't the kind of family where you could tease or challenge, either, @Cardiganwearer -- we had quite an authoritarian upbringing living with all-male extended family (grandfather, great-uncle, uncle, as well as my parents and siblings) in a very small space where children were very much 'women's business' and should be seen and not heard. But someone has to be the first to challenge all that horseshit.

You did well @DanceMove I have tried at times but it was painful and didn’t seem to avail of anything sadly. No one learnt anything for next time. They trained me well I guess. Thankfully my relationships with my children, one a teen, one an adult, are entirely different and much more equal. They are both (nearly, with the teen) adult - adult. My parents and my relationship stayed at adult - child. I hope my ageing will be less aggravating for my children.

Finding this a fascinating thread as my mum used to do this and now has dementia. I do wonder if the monologuing was part of the early stages of the illness as one of the features of it for her has been fixations on particular grudges etc.

As there’s so much experience with family communication on this thread, I’m interested to ask: does anyone have the opposite problem in their families - family members who hardly ever contribute or make an effort, always leaving the work to others. I have noticed it in other families too, often more frequently than the monologuers. It’s so boring and I think on the rise because of people just being able to hide on their phones. How to deal with it? It’s tiring for those of us who want to engage

And apologies for veering off-topic OP!

You could be me. My father is exactly the same, even down to the job stories from the 1980s. Over and over again. We live 3+ hours away so visits are always for 1+ days and annoying for my DH and stressful for me. He also gets angry and then louder when interrupted which my mother puts down to losing his train of thought. He seems to get on fine with my 9 year old so I tend to drop him, stay for a couple of hours and leave. I'd like to have a better relationship which would be achievable if my parents lived closer but they will not move and neither will I.

Some people do this due to narcissism personalities, selfishness and having been indulged all their life. Not everything is autism, it’s much more complex than this.

I used to think this too, but I’m starting to see all of these related ‘traits’ as indicators of ASD. Personality disorders, for example, are maladaptive responses the neurodivergence (and ensuing trauma).

Traits on their own are not a diagnosis. Not in the slightest. Personality disorders are not Autism. Trauma can and does cause lifelong problems and traumatised people may resort to maladaptive strategies in order to cope. However 1 or 2 or 3 traits do not equal ‘autism’.

I too have one of these relatives. After a lifetime of feeling inwardly cross and exhausted by her, I finally told her I couldn't listen to her rants (it was always rants about people, both her circle and public figures) any more. I told her that I couldn't do anything about all these awful people (awful in her head!), and all that happened was I was absorbing her crossness, and getting upset myself. There was a long silence on the other end of the phone, and a very grudging "oh all right." She hasn't done it again, and as a result I feel ok about talking to her, instead of feeling sick when I see her name on my phone screen. Long may it last!