Would you tell your mum if your sister was pregnant?

[juneisintheair]

And 17

Planning to keep it

She said her and her boyfriend (partner as she likes to call him), are looking to stay in her room with the baby. She has a small section of the house to herself with an en suite

Her BF is 19 and doing an electrician apprenticeship training so not ideal. He does PT work with his dad as a floor fitter so again, not ideal

My sister has decided she's too unwell to work or continue A Levels at all right now due to anxiety

I feel really sad she has made all of these plans and won't tell our mum until the 20 week scan. Particularly because they want to use her house as their home

My mum is very likely to be super supportive and agree to all of this, but the way, knowing her

So I'm not sure why she's so insistent on holding back

I won't be telling her, for what it's worth. But feel so bloody awful for knowing and saying 0

I can see that you're in a really difficult position but I don't think you should tell your mum.

I assume you are older than your sister and don't live with her and your mum? You must have a decent relationship with her if she trusted you enough to tell you about her pregnancy and plans? So I don't think you should break that trust. She is going to have to tell your mum eventually and I don't see what there is to gain by you saying it now as opposed to waiting for your sister to tell her.

You clearly disapprove of her choices but they are hers to make. I think the key thing here is the anxiety so try to encourage her to talk to the midwife about that, she could ask about a referral to the perinatal mental health team, or any specialist support services for teenage mums. Also if she is at school/college there must be a student advice service there? Has she been attending until now and does she intend to drop out before or after telling your mum about the pregnancy? You could point out that it will be hard for her to explain dropping out if she doesn't tell her the real reason! But try to keep any judgement out of it. She is not making hugely sensible choices but it's her life and she has to make and learn from her own mistakes.

Difficult one.

On the one hand you are being very judgemental saying an apprentice electrician is not ideal -it sounds like someone with a promising future to me.

On the other hand your sister is only 17 and being financially supported by your parents (I may have missed mention of your Dad).

I think you should give your sister a deadline of 24/48 hours to tell your mum otherwise you will do it. She does need to know, and sooner rather than later.

Agree - apprentice electrician is very respectable, he'll probably be earning decent money within a few years, while a lot of young men are still at uni or in minimum wage jobs!

The concerning thing is that she does not seem too motivated to finish her A-levels, is she in her first or second year?

I wound too. I'd very if it was a planned baby and she'd decided all of this without telling me. Having boyfriend move in is a huge ask. A baby is one thing. But she might not want the boyfriend there.

I agree. Electricians (once qualified) and floor layers make good money.

I think your mum needs to know. This will have a massive impact on her life.

At 17 and living at home she is still a child. I have an 18yo and i'd want to know ASAP so I could support my daughter in getting proper medical care and have a proper discussion while all options were available. I'd also want to help with things like applying for housing etc as I wouldn't want them living with me long term due to overcrowding issues.

If you trust your mum to be calm I'd tell her.

My local council does not recognise a pregnancy until 24 weeks for housing application purposes. She is 15 weeks pregnant now and intends to tell her mother when she's 20 weeks. That will still allow plenty of time to apply for social housing if that's what she has to do.

My sister has decided she's too unwell to work or continue A Levels at all right now due to anxiety

But well enough to effectively parent a child to adulthood?

@Famfirst I think the OP is concerned because her sister's planning to move the boyfriend in. Which I think is quite unreasonable. When he starts making good money they can move in together but to pretend to be a 'grown-up couple' in OP's mums house is unnecessary.

No OP, I wouldn't tell because what difference does it make?

Them 'planning' to use your mum's house means nothing. Your mum is very nice and likely to agree. It'll be the same whether she gets told at 15 or 20 weeks so really what's the issue?

Also how is your sister getting away with not working or studying?

If the lad is that hardworking he might think he can do better than your sister tbh...

My take was that the OP isn’t being disparaging about his career choice, it’s the fact that he’s currently completing his apprenticeship so he won’t be earning well for a while yet, I.e., he won’t be able to contribute towards the baby (yet).

Neither can her sister so if they move in with her Mum, the main financial burden will fall on her Mum for at least a couple of years. Which is a lot to ask, tbh.

Her news. You need to stay out of it or you are going to massively break your sisters trusts. For what it's worth her boyfriend sounds like a hard working guy....nothing awful about their situation at all!

Of course it's awful. She's 17 and too unwell to work or study. It's objectively awful.

Not necessarily. Someone I know had a child at 17 and lived at home, then went to uni (got student loans and UC etc) I appreciate that OPs sister may not be heading to uni though.

Her 17 year old b/f also went on to be a student with a PT job and gave money/saw the child.

Both parties now in their mid-late 20s, qualified in their respective fields and are homeowners.

I would tell my mum and would tell my sister if you don't tell her I will, it's too be of a secret to keep.

No - I wouldn't.
Her baby. Her news.

Oh I appreciate that they may be financially independent in a few years, @Dacadactyl, I meant that from what the OP has described , her sister is expecting her Mum to provide a lot for them in the immediate future. Her bf will move in, presumably Mum will pay the household bills, they’ll need things for the baby, etc.

Plus her sister’s not well enough to study or work. No mention of their Dad so this is presumably a single Mum being expected to provide all this support.

I wouldn’t, no, but I’d gently support her to tell her herself asap. The boyfriend sounds like he’s doing as well as a lad of his age can be doing, and is taking positive steps towards being able to provide in the future.
Lots of women become mums young and while it’s a steep learning curve they can be excellent mothers.
With love, support and no judgement (it’s too late for that anyway) things can work out. But Dsis has a responsibility to your mum and her baby and she needs to try to make it right by both of them.
If it was my DD I’d do my best to support them to become independent, recognising the limitations they have due to their age.

Is it good enough to supply a home, food and clothes for a baby?

If not then between him and the 17 year old it's really not good enough right now.

Yes...they can easily make more than those in professional corporate roles

Tbh I kind of had to do this for my sister even though she was older, I softened the blow somewhat. I did wonder why my sister was walking about carrying a cushion in front of her midriff, but tbh I was a self involved teenager at the time

@juneisintheair I'd tell her that she tell her this week or I will

its all very Big & Bonny to shut your Mum out until after the 20 week, & then dump the whole thing on your Mum, the very least she owes your Mum is to tell her now so she can plan for it, emotionally & financially.

So mom hasn't noticed the pregnancy waddle? I would!@

In the next 20 weeks?
Less than that really as he'll need to get it all set up by the time the baby arrives?

So no....

Even that still means years of living in grandma's house, with grandma providing financial support and having to live with the disruption of having a baby / toddler in the house. Probably grandma who did all the baby sitting while daughter went to uni. And that's the best case scenario.

Your sister waiting til 20 weeks to tell your mum is pretty awful, given the level of disruption that's likely to happen to you mum.