Worrying about my Dad's 70th. (Long, sorry).

[Noodge]

Could really use some advice, any!

Dad's 70th is coming up.

My Mum will be away for it-she goes to the USA once or twice a year.
There's only me to my Mum and Dad. I have a half sister (my Mum's) and she has a DH and two adult children, 20 years ish younger than me (20 year age gap with me and her). We all live close to one another, few minutes walk, I live on my own.

Me and my Dad have a chequered history. As an adult he has had some really angry outbursts at me over the years. I think he's depressed and has a real anger problem. My Mum and Dad have been married 40+ years. I have always tried to maintain a level of civility toward him although when he's become angry, in the past ten years or so, I have always removed myself from the situation.

I have spent some time with him in recent years, we've gone for dinner or to the local pub for drinks, some days out and we see one another at family/friend gatherings which my parents have quite often. It's been okay, but given what he is like and has always been like with me it wasn't ever going to be an enjoyable, loving father-daughter situation.

About 5 months ago I noticed a shift. I'd visit and my Mum would usher me out of the sitting room and me and her would have to go to a different room. He'd blank me whenever I visited, didn't speak to me at all in the few mins we were in the same room. Me and my DP-same, he'd ignore us and we'd just talk to my Mum. I asked my Mum why and she has told me that he's told her that he's 'heartbroken' about how mine and his relationship is-he told her this when she told him he was depressed and needed help. He said he's 'Distanced himself from me to protect himself'.

I feel a bit, 'What did he expect to happen?!' given the way he is with me-he can't expect me to be very close to him? He was physically and emotionally abusive and just always so ANGRY! While I was growing up.

Anyway, back to the 70th as well as my Mum being away, my Sister and husb (whom my Dad gets on well with) are away the weekend either side.
It falls on a week day which isn't ideal.

I messaged my half-sister to ask what to do, she said she'd nip and see him and get him a card and her children/husb would too. I'd like for us to all go around together but I don't think that'll be possible. I'll be at work until the evening, my nephew also might be working and unable to do that anyway. I asked if we should do something at the weekend for him but she told me she's away both adjoining weekends.

I asked my Mum what I should do and she said 'Just post him a card' but I feel that's just not the right thing to do. He went through a phase a year or so ago of coming to the local pub with me-maybe I could invite him to do that? Offer to take him out for a meal? Despite what he's like I feel I should do something-and it doesn't look as if anyone else is or can-I just don't know what to do?

He doesn't know that my Mum's told me what he's said about him distancing himself from me. I could sort of pretend I haven't noticed and just send him a breezy text msg asking if he wants to go out for dinner and some drinks or something?

I just don't feel right about this whole situation! I've probably left information out but this is so long as it is.

TIA.

TBH, I think you are overthinking this ‘big birthday’ thing, Op. Do what you have already suggested, ask him if he’d like to go for a meal or some drinks on his BD or near weekend, and do whatever he agrees to. Send a card, maybe a cake or food treat hamper/similar on the day - maybe something like this if you aren’t going to see him on the day:
https://littlecake.co.uk/product/pick-n-mix-9/?gad_source=1&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIjPCAhoi9hQMVbptQBh0BkQ4MEAQYASABEgJZRvD_BwE
It’s sad you haven’t got the father you would like, but not your fault. 💐

You owe him nothing.
you say he’s been emotionally and physically abusive to you in the past and now pretends you don’t even exist.
maybe he is suffering depression but that doesn’t give him the right to treat his own daughter like that.
perhaps he can sit on his own on his birthday and think about his actions towards you throughout the years and decide to make the next year a better one.

He went through a phase a year or so ago of coming to the local pub with me-maybe I could invite him to do that

That sounds like a good idea. Extend the invite and if he chooses not to accept...well, that's on him.

Sometimes older people do develop low level depression and it's also not uncommon to look back on important relationships and to have some regrets. Again, this is in no way your problem nor do you have any obligation to "help" him with this.

You're being very generous in considering your father's feelings on his upcoming birthday, but don't stress out over it.

Your 20 year younger half sister (via mum) so your parents had you, split up, your mum had another relationship/child 20 years after you and no2 she and your dad are back together?
If he's not nice to you, why be nice to him?

I agree with you @Noodge I wouldn't be able to leave it at just a card, despite how he's treated you in the past. He's still your dad and his treatment of you is obviously something that's on his mind.
I would definitely ask if he'd like to go to lunch with you, then the ball is in his court and he can decide if he'd like to or not. Good luck 🌺

@Ddff he'll dislike me even more! Like I've proven him right I know what people are saying, I do, I get it. I just feel like I should, or I want to, be the bigger person. Maybe I shouldn't.

I think he's been depressed his whole life, to be honest. He was often miserable when I was young and it just manifests itself in anger and outbursts-although he always blames his mood on other people (usually me and my Mum).

Send the card. None of the people he has seemingly better relations with are doing anything special for him. Yet you’re jumping through hoops. Just stop. You don’t need to do anything else. Your mum can sort something when she is back

@MyGooseisTotallyLoose Your 20 year younger half sister (via mum) so your parents had you, split up, your mum had another relationship/child 20 years after you and no2 she and your dad are back together?
If he's not nice to you, why be nice to him?

No, sorry my fault for being confusing I think. My Sister's 'Children' are about 20 years younger. She's about 20 years older. From my Mum's first marriage. She met my Dad and had me, they've never split up (although they've had 'breaks' when I was a pre-teen, because of me, apparently so my Dad says). I remember him saying 'We split up because of you!' when I was a child, and me not having a clue how to react to that.

@MyGooseisTotallyLoose its an older half-sibling who has adult children who are 20 years younger than OP.

What about the cinema, that why you don’t need to talk, it’ll be kind to and if he doesn’t want to then least you’ll feel better about having made an effort!

Thanks @FadedRed maybe I am!Because first thing I thought on reading @Favouritefruits ' post was 'Cinema for a 70th could that work?'
He wouldn't go to a cinema though, I know that. Just not his thing.

I get what you are saying the relationship sounds complex, but I think whatever you do it won't be right. I do think you are over thinking this I mean your mum isn't even that bothered about it and he's her husband! Buy him a card nice present if you want,take him for dinner when everyone gets back and just look after yourself

No no no apologies, I was worried he had some horrible vendetta against you for some bizarre reason.
But agree with pp he's not nice to you are all, a cards enough+

@Mrsjayy she always goes to the USA at the same sort of time each year and it often falls on his birthday, sometimes It's just after.
I think my Mum said we might all do something once she's back

Just do that then don't stress and upset yourself about it.

He's your father and if he thinks something is wrong between you he should step up and speak to you. Sounds like he's just feeling the woe is me victim and has no recollection of his awful behaviour.
I wouldn't do anything even though this will feel akward no one else is stepping up! Especially as he has been blanking you!
Send a card end of and distance yourself totally.

Tbh you are worrying about not doing enough fur your father when your mum can’t even be bothered to be present for his ‘big’ birthday….
I mean your mum is retired right? So she could very easily move that trip by a week but she isn’t bothering…

I think I’d have a word with your mum and do something either before or after she is away. If possible, I’d organise something with your dsister involved too.
And then send him a card/give him a call on the day.

The stuff about your dad being sad about your relationship…
You’ve stepped back because if his behaviour. It’s up to him to decide what to do next. He could talk to you instead. He could try and be calmer. He is choosing to step back ‘to protect’ himself. His choice. Not yours.
Im wondering why your mum told you and why she is trying so hard to ensure you’re not in the same room though. What was the point? Making you feel guilty so you’d extend the olive branch?

You sound like a really good person OP, despite your problems with him growing up. It would be good and kind to go with your impulse to be the bigger person on his important birthday, as 70 is a landmark. If he regrets your distant relationship, you being willing to celebrate his birthday with him actually on the day should mean a lot to him. I would give it a go - if it doesn't go well, you will know you have done everything possible. But it could be healing for your relationship and for him.

I wouldn't ask him if he would like to go out for dinner, or whatever, as as he is depressed he may just say no. Could you phrase it more as - I'd like us to go out for dinner, the two of us, to mark your big birthday. Good luck OP, this could be really worthwhile.

@Cantalever I love this advice ❤

@ilovebagpuss he has definitely always been the victim. From what I understand, since when I was a toddler practically!

No, everyone else isn't bothered at all but I'm his only child, he only has me and my Mum. Actually come t think of it,there's a close family friend and a cousin too. Maybe I should contact them and ask if they want to go out for a meal or something? I don't know if they know one another or get on on second thoughts..

@ComeOnNowNotThisTime yes, they're both retired. I am not sure of the circumstances regarding her going away around this time of year-she goes to visit her sibling there (also retired).

I will ask my Mum if we can do something the weekend before. Just brainstorming now. I feel it is a bit unfair that all of this is on me, but that's life isn't it.

Yes, I guess I didnt 'step back' as such, it was more like we've never been close becuase I was always terrified of him growing up and we couldn't ever be close because of that. He formed those foundations-I am not sure what he expected to happen!
He was last awful at xmas but there was an incident two xmasses prior where he threatened me, stood over me, shouting and being aggressive (I just went home as soon as he stopped and moved so I could get out).

I am not sure what he means by 'protect' himself. I have always been civil with him. Any 'fallouts' have been down to him. Civil is as much as I can do given I don't agree with child abuse-that doesn't change just because said child was me.

I thikn she told me because she wanted me to go and make amends and talk to him. I am actually happy to talk to him, but I see it as pointless because I am never going to agree that what he was/is like was/is okay, and he's never going to admit that he was/is wrong to be the way he is toward me. Plus although I am softly spoken and never say anything downright nasty or shout, he becomes aggressive if I say anything he doesn't like or doesn't want to hear. So yes, you're right come to think of it!

If I get to their house he's often engrossed in the TV and he's not the least bit interested in anything going on with me. He feigns it sometimes ,but my Mum IS interested and wants to talk to me about my life and hers, we get along very well. I'd like if he cared to talk to me but he doesn't.
The last couple of times (before he began distancing himself from me further) I've tried to just talk about general things he's shut me down very quickly. Makes sneery comments even. For example I joined a gym recently and It's a very old fashioned, bodybuilder type gym. I know he likes those sorts of places as he was a bodybuilder years ago and is still interested so I told him and started telling him what was like and he scoffed at that and told me I was wrong.

I told him I liked my local pub because it was old fashioned and full of character and he told me it wasn't and the pubs he likes are much better. Just every day trying to put down anything I say at all, no matter what It's about! It's funny because the first time he came with me to my local, some years ago he hit it off with one of the regulars, they talked all night and he seemed to have a really good time! He just tries to disagree with anything and everything I say I think.

Before this latest episode of him totally ignoring/failing to acknowledge me, he'd huff because he couldn't hear the TV, we'd maybe talk for a few minutes then he'd begin making noises about how we were talking too loud and then we'd move but now, I am either ushered out of the room or my Mum will hear me come in/ring the doorbell and come through to the kitchen and direct me to a different room. So sometimes when I am there I don't even see him. I always shout goodbye as I leave but unless he comes through to get a drink or something I just don't see him at all.

Yes I might do that @Cantalever or even just book somewhere nearby.

My father is very similar.
I've distanced myself completely as I realised years ago that there would never be a nice relationship & I was too old to be tiptoeing around on egg shells around a grumpy old man whom nothing would ever be right for.

He's ruined my relationship with my mum which is pretty much non existent as she took his side many times over the years although he was mentally abusive to my sister & I.

OP you sound like my poor sister. She's still trying to please him in her late 50s.
He'll engage so far & then cut her right down to size causing her to be upset. But she'll be back, planning things to appease him & trying to tell me funny little stories about him.
It's really hard watching her jump through the hoops at her age.
Please, please back off. You don't need to organise ANYTHING.
The situation is entirely of his own making & you deserve so much better.

It sounds like neither you nor your father get any pleasure out of each other's company so I don't really understand why you want to take him out for a meal. I'd send him a card and a gift - box of chocolates/bottle of whisky or similar. Maybe drop it off at his house if you're feeling strong. He sounds like he's been deeply unpleasant to you over the years and really doesn't deserve you spending all this emotional energy on trying to work out what to do about his birthday.

Sorry just read again as I was exceptionally tired yesterday @MoonWoman69 that isn't it unfortunately. He isn't considering his treatment of me, he thinks this whole situation is my fault. He's said it to my Mum a million times. What happened while I was a child was my fault and also her fault for not sorting out that I was afraid to be around him or (his words) 'stopped speaking to him' when I was around 11 or 12. I didn't stop speaking to him, I wouldn't have dared, I did avoid him though. I'd get home from school and go straight to my bedroom, things like that because I was scared of him. His doing.
And how I am as an adult I.e civil but not close, my fault too just something I'm doing to punish him for no reason.

I'm just wondering what you get out of your interactions with him. Because from your description he seems like the sort of person that drains the life out of you. He's said some incredibly bad things to you in the past and has presumably never apologised? He knows this and instead of being courageous enough to step up he's doubling down.

It's ok to protect yourself a bit here, OP. Your mum is (by going to America twice a year, clever woman!).