Friendship lost, please be gentle

[Cesttresbien]

I haven't posted on AIBU because I know what it can be like on there.
Basically I've lost a good mate because I wanted to date him a few months back. I did feel he was attracted to me.
He didn't because of our work circumstances which is fine, I handled it nicely and accepted it, and then I backed off for a bit.
Ended up eventually talking about it, clearing the air and he was very cool about the whole thing, said there was zero issue/awkwardness, nothing bad had happened etc. and he's right, it wasn't a big deal and I appreciated how understanding he was. He said it was ages ago.
When I see him around work he's fine, friendly, acts fine. I was never awkward or off with him or anything like that, just kept my distance for a couple of months.
However now if I try to message him, which is not even that often, literally once a week or twice of an absolute max, he's cold, disinterested and clearly doesn't want me to talk to him.
So it makes me think he's just pretending around the office. I'm actually way more upset about this than the dating thing.
I'm expecting people to call me names and criticise me, but if he didn't want to date at work that's absolutely fine, but he doesn't seem to want to know me at all.
If I don't speak to him first he never speaks to me, whereas up until a few months ago he used to talk to me tons and I feel that I've lost a good friend.
It happens I guess. It's made me very, very hesitant in the future if I ever happen to like a friend. I am upset he's being cold with me tbh but just have to focus on other friends.

It's difficult, isn't it? You were honest about your feelings for this man but that has changed the friendship and it sounds as if he can't/doesn't want to - put it back to where it was before you said anything.

I think the only way forward would be to mirror what he's doing, stop being friendly, be polite and professional and leave it as that. He will either wonder why he no longer has you pining, or he won't care/notice. Either way, you've lost nothing.

You say that he was a good friend and that you talked a lot. I think that's your perception because he's obviously not a good friend, wasn't as close as you thought he was. A good friend would tell you kindly 'not interested in that, we're friends', and they'd carry on being a friend subject to you not trying to change things again. You didn't do anything wrong but he isn't a good friend.

It sounds as if the 'friendship' was intense with messaging and so on - and I think that's what you're missing. It's no longer there. The only real cure for that is time. Time and telling yourself that it's not a friendship any longer - and finding other friends and interests.

Treat it like a 'breakup', it hurts to start with and then one day it just doesn't.

Definitely do stop your messaging. Not a single one now. In fact, take him off your phone. That way you won't be checking for messages from him.

Thank you for your understanding. He basically implied he'd date me if we didn't work together but he didn't want to in this situation. Some of my other colleagues said he liked me too.
I guess it was intense. He used to message me a lot then tell me 'speak to you tomorrow '.

I guess I need to see him for who he is. He's good friends with another man who I respect, and he told me he couldn't be bothered staying in touch with this man if he ever leaves the job.
He's talked about 'personal issues ' and 'doctor's problems ' a few times and always seems to have something going on, which makes me think there's more than meets the eye.
He probably thinks he led me on, which I understand is

Don't beat yourself up. Sometimes you have to shoot your shot, you can't know until you ask and if you hadn't you'd have been wondering what if. Most of us have been rejected by someone we like at one point or another, it's crap but it happens.

It's a bigger risk when it's someone you work with because of the extra layer of dynamics there. You do need to stop messaging. It's clear he doesn't want that and it's probably going to hold you back from moving on. Write off the friendship sorry.

I don't think I believe that he would date you if he weren't working with you. If he were that attracted and keen to date you, he would. Workplace or not. He's given you a 'kind' excuse, used work as the reason. It isn't. I met my husband in work, many people meet their partners at work - a huge number.

People can present themselves in many ways as for whatever reason, he has used your declaration as an end to your friendship. He's not worth much and not worth your tears.

Don't give him any more of your thoughts, he wasn't what you thought he was. Again, no reflection on you, but he isn't authentic and he's not worth your time and attention any longer.

Thank you. The not dating thing, that's absolutely fine I respect that, but him not even wanting me as a friend does hurt.
I literally apologised for changing the dynamics and he said I had nothing to apologise for.

The more you write about him, the more he seems like a messy sort of person who doesn't talk straight. You don't need that.

Stop trying to second-guess him. He has his reasons, be in no doubt about that - but they have nothing to do with you asking to date him.

Maybe that's true, I'll never really know I guess. He made a big point of saying he has refused to date in other offices and has been single for a very long time, he is a bit of a paranoid character but yeah it may well be an excuse.
It's sad when people aren't who you think they are. I don't know why he bothered messaging me every day.

I hope not. I don't see it as that big a deal even, it's not like a declared I was madly in love and then I was absolutely devastated when he said no, I just made it clear that I'd cool off a little but that I did understand and it wouldn't change things between us. But I will stop trying to second guess him. I don't think he's a truly honest person.

He's not interested in anything but a civil relationship at work.

You are harassing him by messaging him.

I wouldn't say I am harassing him.
He used to message me. He used to invite me out for coffees, we used to be good friends.
I have since sent him the occasional message because I assumed naively that we were friends.

But thanks for making me feel bad for sending the occasional messaging to someone I thought was my friend, which I've now stopped doing anyway.

It doesn't matter what he says/said, look at what he's doing?

It's his coldness that is making you feel bad, not another poster telling you to stop messaging him. That is really good advice - protect yourself. You can't do that if you keep messaging, however infrequently. He will only hurt you by ignoring you/carrying on the cold manner.

Why would you want to keep up any sort of friendship with somebody who behaves like this? Just pull right back and allow yourself time to grieve what you thought you had in this friendship.

The sooner you take control and stop looking to him for answers/direction of relationship the sooner you'll look back and not mind any longer.

Apologies I meant to quote a previous poster who called it 'harassment'. I have other colleagues who message me regularly or I message them.

That's a very good point, why would I want a friendship like that? I need to stop seeing him as this lovely person. He was never really a friend.

I would feel equally upset if a platonic female friend had gone cold on me too.

I'm trying to place myself in this situation, but I can't say that I've had one like it for many years.
If you had a friend who was persistent, saying, why won't you date me, making things awkward, trying to keep changing the person's mind and making them feel guilty, I could completely understand why you might become colder/distant/firm.

If they'd just said it once, and took it relatively well/nicely/carried on as usual then I wouldn't treat them any differently to any other friend. Obviously wouldn't start being flirty and suggestive, but zero chance I'd cold shoulder them just because they'd wanted to date me, why would you.

Sound like you've dodged a bullet. He probably enjoyed the female attention.

Maybe he did if he's been single nearly 10 years.

I think once you know someone has feelings for you and sees you in a certain way, it’s quite awkward to just be friends with them. You’d always think they wanted more and might feel uncomfortable being alone with them in case they still held out hope.

I understand that definitely. It's just that it was literally months ago now and I've met other people since then. I haven't tried to talk to him tons or anything, I have moved on since that and I guess I didn't expect him to be awkward several months later.

It might just be me though. I still talk to my ex and there's zero awkwardness. I'm not of the mindset that you can never be friends in the future because someone had a crush at some point.

I know people will say, oh well if you really had zero feelings you wouldn't care one bit, but that's not true. The same thing has happened once or twice with 100% platonic friendships and I was pretty gutted.

Perhaps he likes women, but ‘not like that’ ( as we used to say before it became obligatory to get into detail). So he liked you as a friend , maybe it made him feel good to have a close female friend, but then you moved the goal posts ( no criticism intended, if it was just being shy on his part you’d probably be married by now!).

He can’t ‘move on’ from the possibility you suggested of being ‘more than friends’. Don’t beat yourself up, and don’t think that he was not ever a nice person, and you were somehow an idiot to like him. That is doing you both a disservice.

Just chalk it up to experience and put it behind you ( which includes messaging him again).

Yes, I really think you definitely did. I'd delete his number, avoid him of you can and concentrate on finding someone nice.

TBH I think it’s naive to expect a friendship to stay the same once feelings have been declared. Especially if it’s been quite an intense friendship where you have chatted and messaged often. It’s easy for a friendship to become like that, and once one person declares feelings the other might well realise how intense it was and how easily it’s been misconstrued.

Also you say this has happened before? Are you coming on a lot stronger than you realise?