Friendship lost, please be gentle

[Cesttresbien]

I haven't posted on AIBU because I know what it can be like on there.
Basically I've lost a good mate because I wanted to date him a few months back. I did feel he was attracted to me.
He didn't because of our work circumstances which is fine, I handled it nicely and accepted it, and then I backed off for a bit.
Ended up eventually talking about it, clearing the air and he was very cool about the whole thing, said there was zero issue/awkwardness, nothing bad had happened etc. and he's right, it wasn't a big deal and I appreciated how understanding he was. He said it was ages ago.
When I see him around work he's fine, friendly, acts fine. I was never awkward or off with him or anything like that, just kept my distance for a couple of months.
However now if I try to message him, which is not even that often, literally once a week or twice of an absolute max, he's cold, disinterested and clearly doesn't want me to talk to him.
So it makes me think he's just pretending around the office. I'm actually way more upset about this than the dating thing.
I'm expecting people to call me names and criticise me, but if he didn't want to date at work that's absolutely fine, but he doesn't seem to want to know me at all.
If I don't speak to him first he never speaks to me, whereas up until a few months ago he used to talk to me tons and I feel that I've lost a good friend.
It happens I guess. It's made me very, very hesitant in the future if I ever happen to like a friend. I am upset he's being cold with me tbh but just have to focus on other friends.

I get that, like I wasn't expecting the friendship to be exactly the same, but I was expecting there to BE a friendship.
I wasn't expecting us to go back to speaking daily, but I do think going cold on me on the 1 or 2 occasions I speak to him is cruel.
It hasn't happened before, I was explaining that a female friend stopped contacting me (which I later learned was just because she didn't have any 'use' for me anymore) and I was initially gutted.

I don't think he is gay, he has dated women even if it were a long time ago. Also I know if I say this then people will likely say I'm deluded, imagining it and so on but I really did feel he liked me.
I'm friendly with several other men but I can tell they aren't interested in that way, I don't massively misread signs. Maybe he realised that.

Is there a chance he’s met someone else?

I only ask because I very briefly dated someone I worked with - it didn’t work out but we was amicable and stayed really good friends. He then totally distanced himself from me and I found out it’s because he had a Girlfriend and didn’t want me to feel awkward.

it could be he’s dating someone else and doesn’t want to hurt your feelings so is distancing himself? It’s definitely not the right thing to do but some people just aren’t logical!

It could be... Though honestly not sure, after literally 7 years, and then as soon as he doesn't want to date me he gets with someone else immediately 🤣 but who knows.
I realised I don't really know the real him, I don't know what's true and what's a lie.
The thing is he wasn't initially cold about it. We had a chat where I pretty much apologised for changing things and he was super cool about it, said it was all in the past and quite some time ago anyway.
He wasn't cold at all. Then about 5 days later I sent him an innocuous message asking if he was jumping on the same train as me and that's when the coldness started.

You should have just kept keeping your distance, and not started messaging him again weekly or even twice weekly.

Forever, though?
Why am I not allowed to speak to him ever again?
Honestly if he were some random stranger I'd just met once or twice I'd not have bothered, but I actually thought he wanted to talk to me, he used to message me a lot himself and ask me to meet up.
I didn't know I shouldn't ever speak to him again.

there is a big difference between speaking to someone in person and messaging them

Possibly he just feels awkward and doesn't want to 'lead you on'. Shame that the friendship has gone but you did nothing wrong, hold your head up, be civil at work. His loss

Thank you. Hopefully he'll get over it eventually, it's been a while now and I was never awkward/off with him whatsoever or reacted badly. It's sad.

This would be the answer if op was a man and work colleague was a woman.

Anyway as I said I get regular Teams messages from men and women I work with, some every day.
In any case I've stopped 'harassing' this poor man.

This happened months ago. You're still cut up about it to the point that you start a thread and even though you've had some really considered advice about NOT messaging/contacting him, you've asked why you're not allowed to speak to him ever again.

You work together so polite and civil is all that is needed. To be quite honest, I'm getting vibes from you that you're determined to get your friendship back at all costs. You can't drag this along all by yourself and if you don't see that then perhaps you should speak to a professional about it?

I'm sorry to be blunt about it but the more you post, the more I wonder if there is more to this than meets the eye about why he's 'gone cold' on you.

He's not a good friend any longer, you are colleagues and that's it.

I really do wish you well.

@romdowa you are correct.

Op sounds like a neurotic hanger on who can't take a hint.

It's a difficult situation, I think .

Putting myself into this man's shoes for a moment, I can imagine that if there was a male colleague I got on well with, thought we were good friends and then he asked me out - I would feel a bit wary of him after that and make sure that I did nothing to encourage him and sadly that would probably mean that the friendship would end .

This is why people are very wary of attempts to move a friendship to a romantic relationship because if it doesn't work out, then the friendship is lost . It's a gamble which can sometimes pay off - but other times doesn't .

It's sad but the only course really is for you to accept friendship is over and keep your professional relationship at work .

Ahh well, at least I'm not rude like you.

It depends on the individual I guess. I wouldn't be wary of someone just because they had been attracted to me, it's not like they can help it.
It's only if they don't take no for an answer or become angry about it. Otherwise if the person was my friend I wouldn't cold shoulder them if they'd been respectful about it. These things just happen sometimes, it's a difference of personalities I suppose.

So, the first time you messaged him after the conversation he was cold, is that right? How long and how often have you messaged him for since then?