I feel sad my kids won't remember "the old me" before I was ill

[TheOldMe]

Huge pity party alert first but the background is I used to have a good, well paid and flexible career which I loved. DH got to be a SAHP and we had 4 DC as I was young, had them close together and maternity leave was a LOT shorter! Occasionally my DC would come to my workplace eg if DH was dropping them off for me to bring home as he had an appointment elsewhere. They always saw this is a bit of a treat as they got to be made a fuss of, eg. middle aged childless male colleagues used to try and give them ten pound notes and we had office chairs that span etc

When they were mostly at the age of primary going to secondary school I got sick, eventually had to give up work, gradually got to the stage of being in hospital more than at home, am facing surgery and have just re-written my will. I recently came across a piece of work where a little DC had written about an office visit etc and it's tipped me over the edge a bit.

I think, well I know, they'll mainly remember me as a sick woman who had a hospital bed at home, never really went anywhere with them and was always tired or ill. They won't remember me as the professional woman who used to run them around in a lovely company car (I got to choose a seven seater for the child seats!) and took time out of my day to watch their nativity plays etc. I've kept my good clothes and shoes and they borrow them now and will get to fight over who keeps what but won't really remember me wearing them. I had lovely expensive hair but now it's grey and sparse. I had qualifications and clients and people knew me as "Ms work name" and I worked so hard.

It's like I was a different woman but they won't remember me as that. Seeing my DC's homework diary where they wrote about "love visit mum work" and they used "a big yellow pen" etc has just made me sad. We have things like that and we obviously have photos of us as a family when I was well, DH will tell them things but it's not the same as personal memories.

I know I should be grateful I got to see them into young adults. DH was a brilliant SAHP and they were happy. We did have usual teenage dramas, it wasn't all 100% smiley perfect happiness  but now they are hard working, getting good educations and jobs, and they're kind and thoughtful (the ones still at home always ask if I want anything before they leave the house). I'm really proud of them.

I don't regret my choices (to work etc) I regret that I just didn't get the chance to keep my life as it was and they will remember the "after" me not the "before" me. I've written a useful information sheet with my will eg account numbers, insurance details etc and now I think I should maybe also write them each an individual letter with memories etc. It's so hard though (and I have to do it four times! Or maybe one letter to all of them?)

It's silly, we have been so fortunate in so many respects but I'm so sad as I feel like I am losing seeing their futures but they are also losing seeing my past, if that makes sense? God reading this back it seems so self centred and self pitying...

And everything that's happened, it's a fucking homework diary that at the time felt like a right pain in the arse to do each week, that has tipped me over the edge!

Oh @TheOldMe I couldn't read this and not comment. . I am so sorry that you have had to bear this long illness and had to give up the career you loved. You and DH sound like a fantastic team.

Even from this one post, you sound like such a wonderful, vibrant, funny, loving, positive person and I am sure your DC will remember you that way even if they can't remember the specifics of seeing you at work.

What a good idea to write them each a letter - I know I would absolutely love and treasure that if I were in your DCs shoes.

God that was long. Still it could have been worse, I could have done an enjoy filling in homework diaries as you'll regret it when you're dead mawkish guilt inducing post!

Homework diaries will always always be a pain in the arse. Sympathies to anyone still having to do them!

I hated the homework diary, but when I was moving house recently, I came across them (my DC are in their early 30s now) and I cried and cried for the children they were then.

I’m sorry for the position you find yourself in, but your children will remember their childhood and how you were then.

What a lovely reply, thank you. I'm not all a positive and vibrant person though, I'm grumpy and bitter really!

I do think I'll write one letter to all of them. We don't really do "sentimentality". They'd probably appreciate a letter saying I love you, you were great DC and you are or will make wonderful adults, try and find a job you enjoy so it's not "work", pick a partner who is kind and generous, and saying which DC could have which posh bag etc so they don't have to fight over it That kind of sums it up! Oh and please don't forget the spinny chairs.

A lot of photos were old school prints so I've put those together and nice phone/iCloud photos on one drive with a back up USB.

OP, my DF died a couple months ago, in his mid-70's, after 5 years in a care home. My DC would have been pre-school age when he was "himself".

They do remember who he was, and see the last few years as being a small bit of his life.

Obviously, his passing was much more in the order of how life "should be" (ie he was older, a grandparent, etc). I'm not trying to compare .

Talk about those times with them now. We remember what we talk about not the even itself or the things unsaid.

If it helps, my mum became ill when I was 11 and died two years later. I remember lots from before she got ill.

Please write them individual letters. My husbands mother did a group letter to the whole family and it felt so impersonal. They will cherish something unique directly from you that way.

Oh op I’m sorry you’re ill. You sound brilliant, both before and now. It’s not the same but I have a chronic illness and I feel the same, that I was one person before and a different one since. Please write your children a letter, they will value it forever. There are books you can get on Amazon where you can write down your memories for your children, which sounds depressing but they are lovely. Best of luck for your surgery and god bless xx

Collect all the old photos of good times you can and put them on USB sticks for your children to go with the letters. My Dad, who would have been 100 next year, took cine films and loads of photos from when I was born onwards. The cine films were transferred to vhs then CD and now USB stick. I played them after his funeral and it seemed fitting to remember him as a (handsome) young man that way. My Mum passed away with dementia in a care home - to me she had died long before then but I still have the photos of her as a young woman.

It's not quite the same as your situation and I'm sorry you are going through that. It's worth telling people, though, even if you don't like having photos of yourself taken those that come after you will appreciate them.

You say they are wonderful young people, that will live with them forever.
They are who they are because you are who you are. Not what you were.
I think you'd be surprised about what they remember about you years ago.
It sounds as if you and DH collectively gave them a wonderful childhood.
We cannot ask more of ourselves

My heart goes out to you having to face this.

I was going to suggest very similar to CaptainMyCaptain. My mum died recently at the grand old age of 88 after being ill for a long time. I had looked after her and got very used to her old, ill self and it was an absolute joy and a revelation to go through photographs after she died and see her again as she was when we were children, and even more so as a young woman in the 50s and 60s. She was a proper stunner! One of my kids is tech minded and put together a video tribute for the funeral of photographs set to a special piece of music, and it was so beautiful - really, really uplifting and joyful and it made me feel like I'd got to know her all over again. If you have the skills to do something like that you could maybe do one for each of them, featuring photos of each individual child and a specially chosen song?

You sound absolutely lovely. Please write letters for each of them. They will remember a lot more than you think, too. Xx

I have an understanding of how you feel. I became ill when youngest dc were 4. I lost my career too. When we moved house dc found a photo of me on holiday with them swimming (something I can't do now) and they thought it was funny because 'mummy doesn't do that' it really upset me that all the experiences my youngest dc will remember are the ill me, dc1 was 10 and can remember many things, and in many ways found it more upsetting than the youngest because the youngest can't remember any different. So I choose to see it as a double edged sword - they don't have the memories but they also don't have the negative emotion around my illness as its 'normal'. As a parent this has often upset me over the last 10 years (my dc haven't had the childhood I wanted to give them) but I try to remember my sadness is not theirs and although they are sad/frustrated at times because of my illness they are not sad about the mum before illness (that's my sadness). This has taken me 10 years to reframe this in my head! Best wishes.

@TheOldMe
Write to them about your memories of those times and they will keep them. Let them know how proud you were when they visited you and how your colleagues loved to see them. They will remember the feeling of fun and excitement if not every detail.
Don't have regrets about your decision to work. If I was your child, I'd be proud of you and thankful for those visits and for what you achieved in your career as well as with your family.
Sending you and your family lots of love.

Please do write an individual letter to each. Not 'mushy' but personal. It will make a difference.

I am expressing this thought as one of a big family - we loved each other and loved being a group - but also really treasured the individual relationships we had.

Like birth and death - loss is often a lonely thing even when people are all around!

I meant to add - sorry you are so ill.
Life is really unfair sometimes.

Such kind replies thank you and to people experiencing the same.

Individual letters it is then, with maybe a special photo each. I've also kept a couple of their favourite books/bedtime stories. I'm not having a funeral for various reasons.

I actually have a couple of colleagues/now close friends (I don't use social media apart from MN) who are insta or Facebook friends with my older DC and still keep in touch with them as they remember each other. I occasionally used to do things like bring the DC with me to the office on the journey to school, if I needed to make an urgent time difference phone call. My colleagues used to spin my DC on the chairs so they went faster, whilst I was on the phone hoping they didn't throw their breakfast up They have said they will keep in contact which is kind, as they are a link to my old life. I actually found some of my old business cards the other day which was really weird!

I feel the same. I became disabled when my son was 18 months and daughter five. She doesn’t really remember me taking her to school etc but has odd memories, he has no memory of me not disabled. It’s very sad for me and them but DH and I have fought hard to minimise their caring responsibilities (they’ll grab me a drink or something but nothing ‘extra’ like helping me dress) and we try and have a close relationship with them both.

I find that quality of time is most important. I sleep or am bedbound a lot of the time so I make sure in my awake and with it moments I talk to them extensively about school, friends etc. my DD is off to uni soon (will be living at home) and I don’t think either child would say they’ve ’missed out’ over my disabilities. They both know that if it’s important I’ll move heaven and earth to be there, and that I’m their biggest fan and supporter. That’s more important to me than my legs still working or me still being in a ‘mumsnet high flying’ career.

Genuine good wishes to you and your family. I really do understand and it’s hard but you can make a very happy family even under these difficult circumstances. 💐💐💐

I didn't even do the school run that often as DH used to walk them there, so that was a fun novelty in itself - I was probably the female equivalent of a Disney dad! Sorry DH (maybe I should write him a letter h

A letter each (including dh) sealed down would be a lovely thing to find in your things

Oh yes @OzziePopPop
We are so lucky to have technology these days. The uni transition has been fine as they've all been used to face timing me from their beds even at home I've probably heard from them even more than if they lived at home! in fact one DC has a degree that crossed over a bit with my professional role, so being able to give them advice and seem a knowledgable grown up adult was great

You are very brave writing about this, because this kind of thing is often unarticulated when people are facing long or terminal illnesses- you change, your history does get forgotten (to some extent) and so those you love won't see you as the whole person you are and were, and that seems terribly sad.

My practical advice is- write individual letters, tell each of them what is special to you about them, a memory or moment specific to them, and then write more general memories either in that letter or in a more general one. I think having a specific letter is very important. I had to do something similar for my husband, and each child inputted an important memory and it worked really well.

Also, talk about your past- talk about everything if they are happy to hear it and have fun thinking of past mum, you might like to get out the box of photos and tell them about young you, teen you, where you worked, what you did, to give a bit more flesh on the bones of their memories. They will know you are amazing mum now. but it's also lovely for them to know you had this interesting and fulfilling past as well.

Finally, I'd also say that we cannot control what memories people keep, whether we are dying or not. I've found my memories tend to boil down to a general feeling of happiness or anxiety or whatever, plus a few specific incidents or events- and sometimes they are the weirdest ones or don't seem very 'big' but for whatever they stay in your mind, like a silly thing that happened or something you laughed about. My children have lost their father and they have quite funny/odd memories I think and don't remember much about some stuff but acute details about other times. I do try to talk about him quite a lot though, as part of their lives, and so I think that openness also reinforces those memories- remember when Dad did whatever! Dad would say that. I also enjoy doing this myself as I like to remember him too, but it's not all the time, just when it comes up spontaneously.

This all comes at an immense personal cost to you, emotionally, though, so I'm not saying do all this stuff as if you are just a neutral player in the whole thing- do what you can do. You could always tell your children that you are a bit worried they might forget you in your work mode and so on, my guess is they already remember the spinny chairs and all kinds and having chats about this might help reassure you that they won't just think about the current phase.

Big hugs.

I'm sorry for everyone's losses too, should have said that at the start, apologies

I think if I wrote DH a letter it would feel a bit weird. We don't really even say things like "I love you" formally now because we know it anyway, we can quite often communicate just with looks (especially if we are with someone being a knob) We do have a lot of in jokes/stupid expressions and nicknames for each other so I may dredge my memory and write down what I can.

I'm sorry about your DH @ItsallIeverwanted. I think it is, and will be, harder for him than for me in lots of ways.