I feel sad my kids won't remember "the old me" before I was ill

[TheOldMe]

Huge pity party alert first but the background is I used to have a good, well paid and flexible career which I loved. DH got to be a SAHP and we had 4 DC as I was young, had them close together and maternity leave was a LOT shorter! Occasionally my DC would come to my workplace eg if DH was dropping them off for me to bring home as he had an appointment elsewhere. They always saw this is a bit of a treat as they got to be made a fuss of, eg. middle aged childless male colleagues used to try and give them ten pound notes and we had office chairs that span etc

When they were mostly at the age of primary going to secondary school I got sick, eventually had to give up work, gradually got to the stage of being in hospital more than at home, am facing surgery and have just re-written my will. I recently came across a piece of work where a little DC had written about an office visit etc and it's tipped me over the edge a bit.

I think, well I know, they'll mainly remember me as a sick woman who had a hospital bed at home, never really went anywhere with them and was always tired or ill. They won't remember me as the professional woman who used to run them around in a lovely company car (I got to choose a seven seater for the child seats!) and took time out of my day to watch their nativity plays etc. I've kept my good clothes and shoes and they borrow them now and will get to fight over who keeps what but won't really remember me wearing them. I had lovely expensive hair but now it's grey and sparse. I had qualifications and clients and people knew me as "Ms work name" and I worked so hard.

It's like I was a different woman but they won't remember me as that. Seeing my DC's homework diary where they wrote about "love visit mum work" and they used "a big yellow pen" etc has just made me sad. We have things like that and we obviously have photos of us as a family when I was well, DH will tell them things but it's not the same as personal memories.

I know I should be grateful I got to see them into young adults. DH was a brilliant SAHP and they were happy. We did have usual teenage dramas, it wasn't all 100% smiley perfect happiness  but now they are hard working, getting good educations and jobs, and they're kind and thoughtful (the ones still at home always ask if I want anything before they leave the house). I'm really proud of them.

I don't regret my choices (to work etc) I regret that I just didn't get the chance to keep my life as it was and they will remember the "after" me not the "before" me. I've written a useful information sheet with my will eg account numbers, insurance details etc and now I think I should maybe also write them each an individual letter with memories etc. It's so hard though (and I have to do it four times! Or maybe one letter to all of them?)

It's silly, we have been so fortunate in so many respects but I'm so sad as I feel like I am losing seeing their futures but they are also losing seeing my past, if that makes sense? God reading this back it seems so self centred and self pitying...

And everything that's happened, it's a fucking homework diary that at the time felt like a right pain in the arse to do each week, that has tipped me over the edge!

Ah I’m so sorry.🌷

Individual letters.

I would say they will remember you, I was young when I lost my nan, but I still recall how she was before she became bed ridden. I was around 7 when her health began to decline.
I know I could make a huge mess in her kitchen cooking and planting seeds, she let me try all her clothes on, even the best ones and raid her jewellery box. She would sit and play games with me for hours, chat, teach me to knit.
She was a nurse, I know she was a widow and had to sometimes work other jobs to keep her sons (one of whom was my father) in new clothes, or to fund college. She worked so hard and it’s only as I’ve gotten older that I realise how hard that must have been and she didn’t drive. She always available and loved us all very much- and that’s really the most important thing.

@TheOldMe I'm so sorry you are so unwell.
I've recently lost my mum, she was quite young, I'm 40, she was in her early 60's. She had been sick on and off for a long time. She spent most of her last year in hospital. But... my memories of her are as a young, fun, strong woman, a woman who got dressed up to go out on a Saturday night,
Who walked to town with my older sister and I(we have two much younger siblings too)
Who baked with us, and sang songs at the top of her voice, I remember her all dressed up for work, I remember the years she was a sahm, I remember her laughing a lot, her silly sense of humour.
I remember her hugs, how often she told us she loved us, prayers at bedtime, baths full of fun, holidays and day trips, the treats she never forgot to bring home from town, her advice when we needed it.
Her love of books and how she shared that with me, her willingness to always read just one more chapter at bedtime, her kiss goodnight. Her sayings(even the ones I still don't understand)
I remember how she supported me into the career I wanted. I was very young and she helped me make it happen, I remember her losing and grieving for her mother.
I remember so much more than her illness.
She was so much more than her illness and you are too.
And I promise you, your children will remember so much more than your illness.

If you struggle with writing, a dictaphone can help. Mum was terminal when I was a child. She left a handwritten diary and a dictaphone tape (it was early 90s, no fancy MP3 files back then 😉 ) Listening to her voice is very upsetting but also comforting? That may be the wrong word but I have very few, if any, memories of her, but listening to her voice makes her more real to me. As it's a tape, it's more likely to get ruined over time, but for you, a digital file will be something they can always go back to.

Not sure how old your children are. Mine is a young teen and she remembers how much I worked when she was about 4/5/6. We have nice convo s about careers and what it was like for me etc (I work part time now) but her biggest memory is “mummy was working” or “I remember when I used to come to that work place” and I think although my career isn’t what it was - the memories are still there and your experience will always be there. When we keep the memory alive they will remember. You can have very nice conversations.

I do hope you find a way to turn this into something you are proud of. Even if it does feel like an older version of you. You are still yourself x

They say sharing memories is like reliving twice.

Hi @TheOldMe - I'm so sorry. It's shit, it really is. My DH has incurable cancer and while he's holding steady just now, the tumour has infiltrated intracranially so he could live for another ten years (if the tumour grows slowly) or ten minutes (if the tumour causes a stroke). We have a four year old DD and a baby. So I think we will be in your position one day, and I know DH will want our girls to remember him as the strong, outdoorsy, sporty man he is. So I'm going to make a scrapbook of sorts. I'm keeping lots of photos in a file, and when the time comes I'll make an album and add descriptions, tickets, bits and pieces. It will be full of happy images of biking, hiking, skiing, activities with the kids etc.

I haven't told anyone I've started doing this, filing photos away, it might be seen as morbid or that I'm thinking the worst. But I'm doing it for DH because I know he'll want the kids to remember the happy times and the real him, just like you do.

So go through your photos, write messages on the back of them; put little mementos in a keepsake box, jot down or record stories and anecdotes. It's treasure for your children.

PS you don't sound grumpy and bitter. You sound wry and strong and amazing.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/s?k=cassette+to+mp3+converter&adgrpid=59974589464&hvadid=578392831341&hvdev=m&hvlocphy=1006627&hvnetw=g&hvqmt=e&hvrand=3887133748659493171&hvtargid=kwd-298706781783&hydadcr=8874_2197940&tag=hydrukspg-21&ref=pd_sl_6krbjxbjps_e

You can convert audio tape to MP3 files. I'm sure there are tech people that will do it for you.

They will absolutely remember you as you were while they were growing up. And you shouldn't feel bad for grieving your life ending earlier than you'd imagined! It's unfair and it sucks. I'm so sorry you're going through it.

How old are your DC now?

If I were them, I would love a scrapbook with photos and descriptions of things we did, memories of events, holidays, even any memorable hospital visits in between other nicer things. This might be a lot of work, so you could just do 1 for all of them if you're well enough. Sending love.

I'm sorry you are in this situation, but there's a lot of truth in the saying
'People won't remember what you said, but they will remember how you made them feel'

Thanks for all replies, lots of good advice but turns out to be harder than I expected..

@RedPandaFluff that sounds so difficult for you. the uncertainty aspect is one of the worst aspects for me. People say live to day but sometimes it feels like minute by minute! I don't know if you relate to that maybe? Can I ask if your DH knows you're doing that? Of course people feel differently but I would like it if my DH did that, it would make me happy.

My children are older, youngish adults and late teens. It's odd because I don't regret any of my choices, DH was a SAHD when it was more unusual, and lots of people said oh DC need their mothers and oh on your deathbed no one thinks about work. Judgement about multiple Dc when I was a young age too. But I'm happy I made the right decisions and I know I'm fortunate my DC are the older age that they are. I'll definitely do the letters but now that I've thought more, I also think we will all have to get together and have a party - that sounds bonkers I know! I don't drink but occasionally went out with the older DC and we actually had such a good time, I drank far too many cocktails and we all laugh when we remember stuff now everyone is old enough I think we should have a night at home with a punch bowl and party food.

Atm there seems to be a stream of DC sitting on my bed cross legged saying "do you remember when..." so I think we are feeling like that. It's surprising how much they remember, sometimes more than I do. Like lots of posters have said, it's the little things. "great, so you don't remember the expensive holiday but you remember me dropping a glass and saying "knobhead" not knowing you were behind me..." At least DH remembers but for him/me it was hours of wrangling wet cossies and detangling hair and a conveyor belt of putting sun screen on, for literally a ten minute period where they weren't fighting or falling over!

Oh one good idea I had is decanting little bottles of the perfume I wear (I rotate amongst 4 for each season!) as perfume is often discontinued. My mother died when I was in my 30s and smelling her perfume on clothes was so evocative. She only wore one and it's discontinued, I occasionally see bottles on eBay for hundreds. So that might be nice for DC. Two are unisex Tom Ford type ones so DSs borrow them now anyway, so it's not just for DDs. I'll tell them to keep the bottles in the dark.

My mum died in the 1990s and I still have a bottle of her perfume in a drawer. Smells exactly the same after 30 years. It's amazing!

It's not L'air du temps is it? Two of my friends mothers always wore that! and sometimes miniatures of the original formulation pop up on eBay. I managed to snag one for a friend and gave it to her for her birthday. Modern formulations never seem to smell the same as the originals. I love perfume. Don't regret any of the money I've spent on that either!

It's Cabochard....one whiff and it takes me right back to sitting watching my mum get ready to go out. Must be extremely good quality for the smell to have lasted so long.

OP you do yourself and injustice you really do. You are and always will be their mum whether in an office or in a bed. That really is all there is to it. I like the idea of individual letters and yes, to your DH too.

My DD was 11 when my Mum died, she was ill for half of my DDs life.

All of DDs favourite grandma memories are things like rock climbing down the beach, or roller skating in center parks, all stuff that happened when she was 6 or younger. Yes, she remembers the ill woman who couldn't get out of bed, but that wasn't Grandma. Grandma was the ice creams with the ridiculous amount of toppings, the nights watching strictly with a hot chocolate, the trips to Grandmas work where she got spoilt rotten, the "girls" trips away to the Isle of Wight.

They'll remember you OP, the real you.

And a lot of posters have mentioned letters. One of the best things my Mum did while sat in bed for months on end was sort out photo albums. She put albums together for me, my brother and my DD, and added notes. Not just where and when, but proper detailed notes of funny stories, how she'd felt etc. I spent weeks digging through these albums after she'd died, learning things about her that she'd never shared before.

I was 8 when my mom became ill and 18 when she passed. I did forget how she was before she was ill but to me that was a blessing because the new reality was the normal and it was best that way. It was my normal as others here have said so it wasn’t sad to me. I loved my mom just the way she was and I have many wonderful moments, like you describe, in conversation with her. I didn’t think of all the things she couldn’t do, it didn’t feature. I also didn’t compare her to friends mothers. Don’t dismiss the memories your children will have of you, wether before or after your diagnosis. You were their mom then as you were before. But I do I do understand it matters to you so you should tell them your stories now. That is my only regret, that my mom died before I had the chance to mature to know the value of family stories.

So sorry to hear about your illness.
My mum got ill (lupus) when I was 7, she died at 55, when I was expecting my first baby.
I am 51 now, but I remember her before she got ill. I remember when I was little being impressed at how quickly she could run up and down the stairs (which was ironic, because her illness started by affecting her joints, and she struggled with stairs) Illness changed her over the years, so those memories of what she was really like without it are precious.
You'd be surprised what children remember.

TheOldMe I’m so sorry. I am in a similar position to you but slightly behind you. I’ve had to give up a career I loved and become someone who can hardly do anything for myself. I used to do so much with my DS, camping, swimming, running, football, holidays, baking, silly sporty competitions, hill walking, geocaching and now I’m confined to bed. I feel so sad for him that I’ve turned into this. I definitely think individual letters as they will be able to treasure their own when they come to the point of moving out of the family home and can read their own letter over again whenever they want to feel near you. Who would get to keep it if it was a joint one? I wish you well.

sparklynailsforme I am sitting here sobbing at your post. Such a beautifully written, touching post, it’s really got me in the feels.