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Original poster

Childrens Holidays - Mum disapproves

46 replies

ineedastrongercoffee · 09/04/2024 11:56

I'm 43 and have always had a very tricky relationship with my mum. I've had to have strong boundaries, which hasn't always happened but I'm really trying.

I've recently had a serious of CBT, the therapist suggested that my mum was narcissistic

We've recently had an amazing holiday in Florida. Very very kindly paid for by my MIL who wanted to have a once in a lifetime holiday with her grandchildren.

My mum can't help but comment on this, about how much money it was etc etc. I've often felt that growing up we were more of a pain in the backside than anything else. Yesterday she brought this up again and said I just can't believe all that money was spent "just on kids"

It summed up my feelings as a child really, not properly loved or cherished. We're just kids, not worthy of making any real effort or making amazing memories (to be clear you can make amazing memories without spending a fortune or going to Disney but we didn't get either).

To be clear I wasn't abused or not taken care of but we didn't feel particularly loved. I tell my children all the time that I love them, I never ever want them to be in any doubt how I feel about them. My DD (5) ran up to me a couple of days ago, hugged me from behind and said Mummy I love you so much - my mum actually tutted!!

Is this a generational thing - my mum has just turned 70. Or is the therapist right and this is narcissistic tendancies?

OP posts:
Original poster
ineedastrongercoffee · 09/04/2024 11:59

Another example is the childrens after school clubs. My DB did football but I didn't do anything. I cannot really swim as we were never taken. My DD's do Dancing, Gymnastics & Swimming each week. My mum thinks this is too much and we should drop at lease one - absolutely not happening.

I do wonder if she's saying these things to try and justify the way she parented, so if I do the same as her she feels better about herself?

OP posts:
Spirallingdownwards · 09/04/2024 11:59

No it is not an age thing at all. It's a your mother seems to be unpleasant thing.

Spirallingdownwards · 09/04/2024 12:01

Why are you even giving her thoughts any time of day. If you and your kids want to do these things then do them. Stop engaging with her.

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Families
HappierTimesAhead · 09/04/2024 12:01

It's not an age thing as my mum is the same age and lovely. I am really sorry you have such a horrible mum. You sound lovely though and it's great that you are breaking that cycle

Loveandserenity · 09/04/2024 12:04

You sound lovely - please don't let your Mum's comments invalidate you as a parent and as a loving Mum. You're right, children don't need money but they do need to feel loved. Don't let anyone make you feel like you are spoiling your children by loving them, especially the person who was responsible for giving that love to you.

twilightcafe · 09/04/2024 12:05

She sounds like a piece of work. But why did you accept her money for a holiday knowing what she's like?
If you don't want someone commenting on what you do with your children - don't accept cash gifts from them.

Original poster
ineedastrongercoffee · 09/04/2024 12:06

twilightcafe · 09/04/2024 12:05

She sounds like a piece of work. But why did you accept her money for a holiday knowing what she's like?
If you don't want someone commenting on what you do with your children - don't accept cash gifts from them.

did you actually read my post? My MIL paid for the holiday not my DM

OP posts:
elliejjtiny · 09/04/2024 12:06

I'm sorry your mum is so horrible. I can't imagine not wanting the best for your children. We don't have much money but we spend ages looking up fun and cheap places to go with them.

sleekcat · 09/04/2024 12:09

It's not an age thing. My mum is ten years older and has never been like that. My grandparents were not like that either. We didn't spend lots of money or go abroad but we always did lovely, child-centred things.

Mountainormolehills · 09/04/2024 12:09

Not giving love and affection is abusive. I understand what you’re going through, I have had a different experience but I felt unloved and forced to care for myself a lot - this again, is abusive.

AnnaMagnani · 09/04/2024 12:10

Can you try practising some responses?

Mum: I can't believe you spent all that money on kids
You: I know, isn't MIL so generous! And we all had an amazing time

Mum: The kids need to drop either dancing or swimming
You: Yes, but which one!, they love them all! Isn't fab seeing them learn all these new skills and having fun at the same time.

Original poster
ineedastrongercoffee · 09/04/2024 12:10

elliejjtiny · 09/04/2024 12:06

I'm sorry your mum is so horrible. I can't imagine not wanting the best for your children. We don't have much money but we spend ages looking up fun and cheap places to go with them.

Without my MIL paying we would never ever be able to afford a holiday like Florida.

My mum will say oh god are you going out for the day again - but we've got a picnic packed and we're off to the park or to somewhere where we've got annual passes.

She views me as lazy - even though I do lots of things with my DD's she thinks I should be at home doing housework or ironing 🙄

OP posts:
twilightcafe · 09/04/2024 12:11

ineedastrongercoffee · 09/04/2024 12:06

did you actually read my post? My MIL paid for the holiday not my DM

Show quote history

Fair point.
Tell your mum to mind her own business, then.

Momstermunch · 09/04/2024 12:12

ineedastrongercoffee · 09/04/2024 11:59

Another example is the childrens after school clubs. My DB did football but I didn't do anything. I cannot really swim as we were never taken. My DD's do Dancing, Gymnastics & Swimming each week. My mum thinks this is too much and we should drop at lease one - absolutely not happening.

I do wonder if she's saying these things to try and justify the way she parented, so if I do the same as her she feels better about herself?

I think you've hit the nail on the head there. You are showing her what good parenting looks like and it makes her feel defensive so she goes on the attack.

My mum is the same generation and whilst it probably was less child centered back then it was still normal to have kid focused holidays, out of school activities and parents who made you feel loved.

AnnaMagnani · 09/04/2024 12:15

Fundamentally OP you and your mum have different ideas of what good parenting looks like.

She thinks it's having an immaculate house and all the clothes ironed
You think it's hanging out with your kids playing and them having clubs and experiences

You probably aren't going to make her agree. How often do you see her and how much does she know about your day to day lives? My suggestion is that it should be less on both counts as it makes both of you unhappy.

Soontobe60 · 09/04/2024 12:18

Regardless as to how your DM behaves, the therapist is very unprofessional suggesting a mental health diagnosis of a person they haven’t even met. I would be extremely wary of continuing with this therapist - NPD can only be diagnosed by a psychiatrist or psychologist after several sessions with their patient.
https://www.nhsinform.scot/illnesses-and-conditions/mental-health/personality-disorder/

Soontobe60 · 09/04/2024 12:20

Momstermunch · 09/04/2024 12:12

I think you've hit the nail on the head there. You are showing her what good parenting looks like and it makes her feel defensive so she goes on the attack.

My mum is the same generation and whilst it probably was less child centered back then it was still normal to have kid focused holidays, out of school activities and parents who made you feel loved.

Show quote history

Are you saying that good parenting means you take your dc to lots of clubs? What if you can’t afford them?
OP, where was your father when you were growing up?

AnnaMagnani · 09/04/2024 12:20

Therapist making suggestions about other people comes up all the time on Mumsnet as if it's an absolute no no.

In my sadly very long experience of therapists of various types and modalities (on and off for 20 years now) - yes they do make suggestions, they aren't just sitting there listening.

Soontobe60 · 09/04/2024 12:22

AnnaMagnani · 09/04/2024 12:20

Therapist making suggestions about other people comes up all the time on Mumsnet as if it's an absolute no no.

In my sadly very long experience of therapists of various types and modalities (on and off for 20 years now) - yes they do make suggestions, they aren't just sitting there listening.

It’s one thing for a therapist to discuss someone’s childhood and relationships with their family, its a very different thing to suggest those people have a very specific mental health condition.

mindutopia · 09/04/2024 12:28

I think the term 'narcissist is tossed around too freely. It doesn't sound like narcissism at all (and a therapist with any decent training should know this). It sounds like someone who is emotionally detached and potentially manipulative. This, by itself, doesn't make someone a narcissist though. She doesn't sound like a loving supportive parent, though I don't think it's a generational thing. Lots of wonderful, loving, supportive (grand)parents out there in their 70s.

TruthorDie · 09/04/2024 12:29

She sounds jealous and judgemental to me. The way you parent sounds very different and better than the way she did / does. It’s not your fault she parented in such a parent centric way plus didn’t give her children the same opportunities. She sounds like a martyr with the cleaning thing

Sending sympathy -my mum is often judgey about my parenting. Funny thing is everyone (even my in-laws!) think lm doing a great job. But my mum is negative and judgey about most things l do

Hoppinggreen · 09/04/2024 12:29

I think you need to stop caring so much about what she thinks (easier said than done I know)

Crunchymum · 09/04/2024 12:34

To be fair there are some things I wouldn't "waste" on my young DC as they simply wouldn't appreciate them but that's a decision made as a loving, nurturing parent who just doesn't have infinite cash.

Never would I comment on other people's choices.

At least you realise this is about deeper issues and are working through them.

Original poster
ineedastrongercoffee · 09/04/2024 12:35

mindutopia · 09/04/2024 12:28

I think the term 'narcissist is tossed around too freely. It doesn't sound like narcissism at all (and a therapist with any decent training should know this). It sounds like someone who is emotionally detached and potentially manipulative. This, by itself, doesn't make someone a narcissist though. She doesn't sound like a loving supportive parent, though I don't think it's a generational thing. Lots of wonderful, loving, supportive (grand)parents out there in their 70s.

to be fair I did say the therapist described narcissistic tendencies

Of course she can't diagnose who she doesn't see, I never suggested she did.

OP posts:
Original poster
ineedastrongercoffee · 09/04/2024 12:38

Before everyone jumps on I realise in my OP I did say that the therapist said she was narcissistic - this was a typing error on my part - I did mean to say that she had narcissistic tendencies

OP posts: