Childrens Holidays - Mum disapproves

[ineedastrongercoffee]

I'm 43 and have always had a very tricky relationship with my mum. I've had to have strong boundaries, which hasn't always happened but I'm really trying.

I've recently had a serious of CBT, the therapist suggested that my mum was narcissistic

We've recently had an amazing holiday in Florida. Very very kindly paid for by my MIL who wanted to have a once in a lifetime holiday with her grandchildren.

My mum can't help but comment on this, about how much money it was etc etc. I've often felt that growing up we were more of a pain in the backside than anything else. Yesterday she brought this up again and said I just can't believe all that money was spent "just on kids"

It summed up my feelings as a child really, not properly loved or cherished. We're just kids, not worthy of making any real effort or making amazing memories (to be clear you can make amazing memories without spending a fortune or going to Disney but we didn't get either).

To be clear I wasn't abused or not taken care of but we didn't feel particularly loved. I tell my children all the time that I love them, I never ever want them to be in any doubt how I feel about them. My DD (5) ran up to me a couple of days ago, hugged me from behind and said Mummy I love you so much - my mum actually tutted!!

Is this a generational thing - my mum has just turned 70. Or is the therapist right and this is narcissistic tendancies?

The best thing you can do is to take it the wrong way. In your head. Reframing it as if she isn’t being passive aggressive and then answer the question. You will feel better and it will piss her off.

M - You’re going out again.
In your head change it to - Going some where nice?
OP - Yes, we’re off to a NT property again. The kids love the park and ice creams.

M - All that money in children.
In your head - Wow, what lucky children
OP - Yes, my children are the most important thing in my life and I’m so pleased to be able to give them ballet lessons.

She sounds awful. Do you have to keep in touch with her?
You don't owe her anything.

My parents weren't ones for I Love You but I knew I was loved, and safe. We also didn't do many organised activities but neither did many people I knew. I never felt a burden.

Your Mum sounds unpleasant.

She isn't Scottish is she, OP? It sounds like a Calvinist background which is very prevalent here.

I'm Scottish and 65. I am certainly not like that with my daughter and grandsons. I'm only too happy that my daughter and son in law can afford to take the boys nice places. I would never be like that. I can't think of anyone I know who would comment like that to their children. And I live in Scotland. Star girl you are way off the mark and making a huge generation. As am I

It sounds like there are two elements going on.

1. she's insecure/competitive about your MIL hence the disparaging comments about a holiday away as she either couldn't or wouldn't do the same so it's easier to slag it off basically.

I recognise that behaviour in an instant as it what my MIL does about anything my mum does with my children.

2.She makes comments about doing stuff with your kids because she took the opinion that because she was at home not doing things with you or housework then you should be too!

Agree with reframing it and not rising to it. Simply say yes we love making memories it takes a higher priority for us as a family. She can't really argue with that one!

It's definitely not an age thing. It's her.

I had parents like this OP so I totally get it. I grew up in one of the most beautiful places on Earth- all year outdoor weather and hundreds of picture postcard beaches, swimming holes and camping spots- all free. Aside from a few lucky occasions when I got to tag along with friends, I have only seen these places as an adult. I never saw a show or went to the movies until I got a part time job at 15. My parents would never have dreamed of wasting time doing child-centred or family-centred activities.

I do all these things with my kids and to her credit, my parents seem now slightly reflective and never defensive.

This is the best advice
Have faith in your own skills and how you felt as a child.
You can break the pattern of your mother's parenting.

Yes not easy to deal with. 80s. I keep details vague now. Hols oh dont fancy too hot or airports. Always negative spin on things. But my mother was always negative.. instead of saying oh enjoy your break

I mean this kindly.

This is a you problem, not your mum. Why do you care what she thinks? It's upsetting you, making you question your choices and your own parenting.

Tell her less, spend less time with her.

Detach, move on with "well, MIL chooses how to spend her own money, we had a lovely time and so did she"
"Noted" is a useful response. as is "I'm a grown woman, I'll choose how I spend my time"
"Yes, since it's not raining [for once] we're off to spend the day outdoors rather than on screens. "

Learn to detach. Some parents can let nothing go. I don't bother to share any details of my life any more. It just invites negative comment and I Can't Be Arsed

Exhibit A "Your mother had X children and never had a cleaner"
Response, "yes Dad, I don't know how she did it, but then she didn't work outside the home either"

Promotion at work "Is that wise

No of course not. My parents didn't have much money when we grew up so we didn't go to much - mainly things like brownies that were inexpensive. I meant the whole package of how the op parents, showing love, putting time aside and paying for the things she can afford. Op seems to be describing a parent who begrudges a child anything beyond basic care.

Totally agree.

@LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand

You think Calvinism has had no impact on Scotland? Seriously?

I’m with you 100% @ineedastrongercoffee you sound like you are describing my Mother and my childhood! My Mum was very emotionally distant, I had food and a home, but I grew up not feeling loved or safe. She was (still is) incredibly selfish - her whole world revolves around her own wants and needs and children got in the way of that. She is very critical of my parenting - being a very hands on Mum, putting my children’s needs and wants before my own is just absurd to her! My own Mum has everything on the NPD tick list, but would never admit it herself. It’s hard but you do just have to stand back and accept that they are a selfish shitty judgemental person…….. nothing will ever change that. You have to accept you were dealt a shit hand as a child, accept that they will never change, go low contact and make your life mission to make your own children’s childhood the opposite of your own. Seeing my children happy and secure brings me the biggest joy and personal healing. Whilst ignoring my own mums opinion on that!

People who grew up with loving parents can never understand the damage done to those of us who grew up without it. It shapes the person you are. They don’t understand how much we are still drawn to wanting our parents approval and love……. even in my forties! Therapy helps, plus reading books has helped a lot.

I recommend:
Will I ever be good enough? Healing the daughters of Narcissistic Mothers. By Karyl McBride.

The emotionally absent mother. How to recognise and heal the invisible effects of childhood emotional neglect. By Jasmin Lee Cori.

It’s a bad parent thing. Mine are the same and I’ve had therapy and now know my childhood was emotional neglectful….I think it was probably really a lot worse than that but I can just about deal with that description at least. No money was ‘wasted’ on me even though there was more, not much food, clothes 2-3 sizes too small and secondhand, no encourage whatsoever, I was sent away from the rest of the siblings to stay at other family members houses in the holidays and with no validation or love shown there were no cuddles or kisses. My mother was the SAHP and so was the worst. It’s the same now however much I love them both, they are at least now divorced.

I was a lone, poor, teenage parent but I brought my child up completely differently. Just carry on doing what you are doing, I got all the digs and nasty comments too. Even if we did something cheap or free like picnic in the park , drive to the seaside out of season and a sandwich in the car I’d get criticised.

The criticism still continues it’s just now about my entire life not just my parenting, yesterdays example was an awful phone call, where I mention what we’ve been doing. We had just been clearing garage/plastic shed that leaks getting things in loft or all organised before we get a new shed. I made the schoolgirl error of mentioning something wrong and so was criticised for throwing things out, how I’m disposing of it (ie trip to tip), the utter waste of money, that I’m not thinking about the environment as I’m having to get rid of an old compost bin. Etc etc etc. I end up really sad and angry and frustrated….for reference we’ve lived here 6 years it’s our first home that is a doer upper ex rental so for example there’s glass shards in the compost so we have no choice but to fix it all and my mum has never even visited us. But every time I dare mention my life I get criticised.

snap!

Maybe she is envious of the MIL's spending power or maybe she just does not like the notion of anyone having anything she didn't/can't have.

I love this approach. Absolutely perfect!

Your were emotionally neglected, and this has a devastating effect - don't minimise it.

Thankfully, you are a loving parent to your own children.

Dont bother with chucking the word narcissistic around, it has lost all meaning, just accept you were badly treated, and it is still hurting you, but you are not letting it affect your kids

It's not normal no. She probably feels defensive on some level, as others have said that the nice things you do with your children show up how you were treated.
Was she parented in the same cold way?
We didn't have lots of child centric holidays or money growing up but we had family holidays and cheap days out, friends over and simple parties. Our happiness was important too.
Your MIL sounds lovely, Probably best to keep your DM at arms length and just look after yourself.
Some good ways to answer her on here for when she does stick her oar in.