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Original poster

Felt a bit degraded but it might have been my own fault

35 replies

Laurilu · 08/04/2024 20:13

I’m not quite sure what to make of this, but I also know that I might have sent the wrong messages here and confused him. This might be a big graphic so apologies. It’s early days really. We did get intimate at the weekend and we had discussed some aspects and gos/ no gos before and that was all good. Because it’s early days we agreed on him using a condom during sex though I am ok with oral finishing. It all went well but he did pull out finish in my mouth but it was rather rough and not at all what I had expected or experienced before. I know that he didn’t do anything wrong because I had given permission but I felt quite out of control and not good at the moment. I’m just wondering if someone has come across this before or if I’m being precious. I think I’m quite an open person but I don’t like to be treated roughly without prior discussion. I did tell him after and he apologised but seemed confused, so now I am confused too.

OP posts:
fourelementary · 08/04/2024 20:15

So you agreed a condom for sex but agreed you were “okay for oral finishing” and then felt off when he literally finished orally

🤦🏻‍♀️ I’m with him. You sound impossibly hard work.

determinedtomakethiswork · 08/04/2024 20:17

Are you kidding? Did you read what she said? He was really rough with her.

She did not agree to that.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 08/04/2024 20:18

It sounds like he accidentally crossed a boundary, in which case it’s reasonable for you to be upset as nobody likes having their boundaries overstepped. However, it doesn’t sound like he knew he was overstepping at the time, it seems likely it was a case in which you misunderstood each other when communicating beforehand and that the sexual activities you see as ‘normal’ don’t match up. It seems likely you aren’t use to rough sex and therefore find the roughness with no consent upsetting, equally it sounds like rough sex has been standard for him and so he’s confused that you’re upset because he doesn’t see it as anything abnormal/ unusual. Neither of you are wrong but it’s understandable you’re both a bit upset by it. It sounds like you need a more detailed conversation around sex and expectations in the bedroom before you have sex again so you are both clear on each others desires but also boundaries and what you would accept as normal in sex and what would need consent.

Original poster
Laurilu · 08/04/2024 20:22

Thank you. I think that we did miscommunicate so maybe we just had different expectations in this regard. It’s just the first time this has really happened to me so it took me a bit by surprise.

OP posts:
fourelementary · 08/04/2024 20:22

determinedtomakethiswork · 08/04/2024 20:17

Are you kidding? Did you read what she said? He was really rough with her.

She did not agree to that.

Without being completely gross, I can’t really think of a “nice” and “gentle” way in which to finish like this anyway tbh - that whole act the finishing that way is usually pretty rougher on the scale of love making versus fucking tbh. So unless he yanked her hair and slapped her face… which the OP didn’t say, I stand by it. Agreeing to that would mean I wasn’t expecting a romantic encounter.

Cosycover · 08/04/2024 20:25

Rough in what way? Did he grab your head and push it further in?

I think its been a miscommunication. I'd discuss it with him.

Didsomeonesaydogs · 08/04/2024 20:27

I don’t give people the benefit of the doubt any longer. When people mistreat you, they know exactly what they’re doing. But then I’m 50 and cynical.

Spinet · 08/04/2024 20:30

What was the sex like otherwise? When you say all went well do you mean he seemed interested in your pleasure? Did you orgasm? When he apologised did he seem genuinely upset that he had made you feel bad?

Original poster
Laurilu · 08/04/2024 20:39

Yeah he did grab my head. I’d be ok with this if discussed before but I thought it was a bit thoughtless for a first time. He was good and definitely interested in my pleasure other than that. He did apologise but he seemed mainly confused that I hadn’t liked that part much. It’s really just that it had taken me out of my comfort zone unexpectedly it that makes sense.

OP posts:
xyz111 · 08/04/2024 20:46

I'm still stuck on the point where it's early days so you use a condom but let him finish in your mouth??? You can catch things orally too.

whatageareyou · 08/04/2024 20:51

Did he thrust really hard in. Is he quite young? Porn is filled with images of men ramming themselves into women's mouths, I guess the youth assume women actually like it Hmm. If he seems like he would listen, tell him you don't like that.

Spinet · 08/04/2024 20:51

If it's changed your feelings about him, you don't have to push through it. You don't have to have sex with him ever again if you don't actively want to. If you enjoy having men 'finish' in your mouth that's up to you but if you're doing it because you think they like it or as some kind of consolation for having to wear a condom, I'd have a think about why it made you feel degraded and if you actually want to do that again. I know it's easy to feel like you ought to please a man sexually to make him like you but you don't have to.

FitAt50 · 08/04/2024 20:52

determinedtomakethiswork · 08/04/2024 20:17

Are you kidding? Did you read what she said? He was really rough with her.

She did not agree to that.

"rather rough" is not the same as really rough.

newtlover · 08/04/2024 20:53

the fact that he seems confused that you didn't like him grabbing your head would be a massive red flag to me
consent isn't a once and for all thing- just because you'd 'agreed' to oral in advance doesn't mean he's entitled to shove his dick in your mouth when he feels like it - the grabbing surely indicates that you weren't doing it of your own volition
bin this one OP

Zola1 · 08/04/2024 20:53

I think the people who don't know what you mean must have been fortunate. I do know what you mean and I think it can be quite painful and a really unpleasant experience. If he apologised I suppose its up to you how you feel about it now and whether you want to take his apology or not. Personally I think a considerate man wouldn't have been rough or hurt you without talking about it first and I wouldn't go near him again

MiltonNorthern · 08/04/2024 20:56

xyz111 · 08/04/2024 20:46

I'm still stuck on the point where it's early days so you use a condom but let him finish in your mouth??? You can catch things orally too.

I'm sure OP knows this and is happy with the level of risk she is taking.

OP some men have no sexual manners and think that this kind of behaviour is 'normal' rather than something you need to ask first for. If he doesn't get why you are upset then he's probably one to put in the bin.

fourelementary · 08/04/2024 21:54

Sexual manners? I’ve heard it all now…

🤣

MiltonNorthern · 08/04/2024 22:06

fourelementary · 08/04/2024 21:54

Sexual manners? I’ve heard it all now…

🤣

Not sure why you think that's funny! Manners exist, they can be bad, and this also applies to sex 🤷🏼‍♀️

Passthepickle · 08/04/2024 22:14

It’s a depressing read where a man you seem to think is ok is so fucked up by porn that he thinks holding your head and face fucking is normal and enjoyable for a woman.

The only thing that’s hard work is men’s fucked up expectations. I wouldn’t ever expect to have to articulate that I expect to be comfortable and that anything approaching rough would need discussion first. Sounds unpleasant.

Tempnamechng · 08/04/2024 22:31

@fourelementary you told a woman who felt violated yesterday to "chalk it up to experience". I don't usually look back at previous posts, but I did so because thought you were male, apparently someone else on the other thread incorrectly did too. I'm pointing this out because I think its important to add context to your replies, which op might find gaslighty. You might be cool with this sort of behaviour from men, but I'm sure op isn't in the minority or being precious, and yes, sexual manners are important to most women.

PaperDoIIs · 08/04/2024 22:33

When he grabbed your head, could you have easily moved away/stopped if you wanted to? Were you still in control?

If yes, then I'd possibly keep talking and make sure boundaries are clear and scenarios quite explicit. If no, then 1. That's why it unsettled you and 2. You're probably better off binning him.

fourelementary · 08/04/2024 22:41

Tempnamechng · 08/04/2024 22:31

@fourelementary you told a woman who felt violated yesterday to "chalk it up to experience". I don't usually look back at previous posts, but I did so because thought you were male, apparently someone else on the other thread incorrectly did too. I'm pointing this out because I think its important to add context to your replies, which op might find gaslighty. You might be cool with this sort of behaviour from men, but I'm sure op isn't in the minority or being precious, and yes, sexual manners are important to most women.

And? Your point? What context is this that you are suggesting? I believe in clear language and the importance of communication with people you agree to have sex with? That I don’t think that people doing things during sex that they assume are okay given prior discussion or agreements should then be described as rapists or perverts?
Sexual manners include discussions and these two separate posters say they have had discussions but then what they’ve said doesn’t seem to correlate with what they then feel after the event…
You’ve chosen to stalk my posts (weird) but not noticed or commented on the other non sex-related many posts I’ve made, about reactions to mushrooms, about breastfeeding… so the “context” of my posts is pretty much that I comment on a mixture of things when I have an opinion to share…which is kind of the purpose of mumsnet isn’t it?

PickledMumion · 08/04/2024 22:43

A "face fuck" is a completely different thing to a standard blow job, and is very much porn driven. Bear in mind, it's early days, this is him on his best behaviour. I'd be worried you're setting yourself up for many similar instances of him pushing/pestering/just going ahead and doing things you're not happy with.

I agree with PP above - it's very rare that one person feels violated, and the other person genuinely thought they were enjoying it.

Tempnamechng · 08/04/2024 22:48

fourelementary · 08/04/2024 22:41

And? Your point? What context is this that you are suggesting? I believe in clear language and the importance of communication with people you agree to have sex with? That I don’t think that people doing things during sex that they assume are okay given prior discussion or agreements should then be described as rapists or perverts?
Sexual manners include discussions and these two separate posters say they have had discussions but then what they’ve said doesn’t seem to correlate with what they then feel after the event…
You’ve chosen to stalk my posts (weird) but not noticed or commented on the other non sex-related many posts I’ve made, about reactions to mushrooms, about breastfeeding… so the “context” of my posts is pretty much that I comment on a mixture of things when I have an opinion to share…which is kind of the purpose of mumsnet isn’t it?

Show quote history

My point is that you seemed to be taking the piss out of a woman who is saying she felt degraded, so I wondered if you were male. No, I didn't look at your other comments, so don't have of your other replies to quote back, although I'm sure some of them are perfectly pleasant.

fourelementary · 08/04/2024 22:53

Tempnamechng · 08/04/2024 22:48

My point is that you seemed to be taking the piss out of a woman who is saying she felt degraded, so I wondered if you were male. No, I didn't look at your other comments, so don't have of your other replies to quote back, although I'm sure some of them are perfectly pleasant.

Edited
Show quote history

I’m not and have not taken the piss out of any woman… and I hope @Laurilu does not think that as it was not my intention. The only person I did take the piss out of was someone talking about him not having sexual manners as I feel the idea of discussing someone being allowed to ejaculate into your mouth and then thinking they had bad manners to then not do that nicely was just actually so bizarre… and mumsnetty!

It’s weird that only on the topic of sex have I ever been mistaken for a man… one to reflect on perhaps? I am very big on communication in relationships and in sex in particular as assumptions can be so powerful and destructive in sexual relations without clear communication and boundarjes- so maybe in my emphasis about that I lack some empathy… so will definitely reflect on that and try to be a bit more sympathetic.