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Original poster

Another houseguest and payment question

35 replies

OMGitsnotgood · 08/04/2024 07:43

I’ve noticed a few comments on houseguests recently & whether they should offer payment to their hosts. Not something I’d ever have considered as guest or host, so I’d appreciate opinions on this situation:
Good friends, who used to live locally to us, moved about 2 hours away, very close to a beautiful and touristy area (not being specific, but like the Lakes or the Cotswolds). Since they’ve moved we’ve seen them when they’ve come home to see family, or met in the middle for lunch. We have a long journey to an event, passing not too far away from these friends to call in en route. When we contacted them about that, they invited us to spend a couple of nights with them on the way down and one on the way back. This suits us well and would be a great opportunity to have a ‘proper’ catch up. It is our intention to take beer, wine, and a bottle of their favourite spirit. Probably a plant/flowers/chocolates etc We’ll also invite them out to lunch or dinner & pick up the bill.
I would never have dreamed of offering money for board until a) I’d read a couple of comments on
MN suggesting some people think that it's expected and b) this friend commented once that she felt that some people were visiting them since they’d moved only to save money on hotels, which are v expensive in that area.

I don’t think she would think that of us, as we were invited by them, but again, wondering if I’ve been wrong all these years about not offering money? Whilst you never entirely know someone’s financial position, I am as confident as can be the these friends are extremely comfortable, and certainly aren’t living month to month.
So I don’t want to be seen as mean or taking advantage, equally don’t want to offend them by offering money.
Thoughts?

OP posts:

Moonshine5 · 08/04/2024 07:45

People only charge on Mumsnet. IRL you take a gift /pay for dinner etc. Hope you all have a wonderful time

KoolKookaburra · 08/04/2024 07:47

You're not going to offend them by saying " hi x looking forward to seeing you next month, did you want anything towards the extra costs of having us? Cost of living and all"

BarrelOfOtters · 08/04/2024 07:48

i think what you are offering sounds perfect.

I think it’s different for some of the recent posts in that people being visited haven’t a huge amount of money or its the visitors main holiday. We visited friends for a week in Spain and did a couple of big shops and that felt right.

but if my family visited me it would be nice if they took me out for tea but they’d have spent a lot on ferry or plane to see me so I wouldn’t expect much….

User1979289 · 08/04/2024 07:48

It is very odd to expect a guest to pay. The only time that would be expected is if it was at the guests request, for a longer period - so for example I offered a family friend money when my DS stayed there for 3 weeks to do work experience. MN is a deeply weird place at times.

PotatoPudding · 08/04/2024 08:13

I think what you’re planning sounds perfect. I think offers of cash money only make both parties feel uncomfortable. As others have mentioned, it it was an actual holiday, paying for the food shopping is a good idea.

GnomeDePlume · 08/04/2024 08:17

Having guests regularly can get expensive as it all mounts up in small ways: making 'better' meals, more trips out, more laundry.

A good way to think about it is 'what would they have done if we hadnt been visiting'. Ideally the regular guest will not just pay their own share but the marginal cost for the host.

We lived abroad for a few years and had a lot of repeat visitors. As we lived there we had already been to the local attractions many times. If a visitor wanted to go to an attraction it would be a significant expense for us and one we wouldnt have incurred if the visitor hadnt been there.

crumblingschools · 08/04/2024 08:19

If you were staying longer I would offer to do a food shop, but what you are suggesting is perfect

Riverlee · 08/04/2024 08:23

You’re fine and nice girls.

Original poster

OMGitsnotgood · 08/04/2024 08:23

' what would they have done if we hadnt been visiting'.

That's a great way of thinking about it, thank you @GnomeDePlume . Not sure we'll be going anywhere that requires entrance fees but I can imagine we might go somewhere with expensive car parking, Even coffee and cake whilst out mounts up. Will make sure we cover those costs.

Thanks all, am feeling more comfortable now.

OP posts:

FiveShelties · 08/04/2024 08:26

I would hate to be offered money but lunch or dinner out and wine (of course) sounds perfect. Enjoy your stay.

ohcalamityuponcalamity · 08/04/2024 08:38

You're arriving with some nice gifts and offering to pay for a meal out - I think that's fine and adequately covers it. If I invite people to stay for a few days, I budget for the extra costs and for me as a host, anything they choose to bring or pay for on top is a nice bonus.

Only on MN would a host expect to be paid!

saraclara · 08/04/2024 08:44

If find it incredibly awkward to be offered money if I made an offer like your friends'.
An offer like that is made with warmth and hospitality, it's not a transaction.

Taking a gift and offering to pay for car parking, coffees or lunch is is plenty.

Shinyandnew1 · 08/04/2024 08:48

The threads I’ve seen where the OP was pissed off are where they’ve had people to stay and they’ve gone out and about all week and have paid everyone’s meals/entrance fees/ice creams. I think that’s bonkers and have no idea why the OP wouldn’t just pay for themselves!

What you are suggesting sounds great. I would also say to them after the first day-please don’t feel you have to get fancy meals in-we will get a takeaway one night/take you out to dinner.

Original poster

OMGitsnotgood · 08/04/2024 08:52

I would also say to them after the first day-please don’t feel you have to get fancy meals in-we will get a takeaway one night/take you out to dinner.

We have already told them we will take them out for a meal so that they don't do too much shopping. Might suggest a takeaway for the way back. Thank

OP posts:

hottchocolatte · 08/04/2024 08:54

Paying board is not the norm but taking some drinks and a meal out sounds fine.

saraclara · 08/04/2024 09:01

OMGitsnotgood · 08/04/2024 08:52

I would also say to them after the first day-please don’t feel you have to get fancy meals in-we will get a takeaway one night/take you out to dinner.

We have already told them we will take them out for a meal so that they don't do too much shopping. Might suggest a takeaway for the way back. Thank

Seriously, you're almost taking control away from them. Suggesting a takeaway is pretty much saying that you want a takeaway. If I invited people to stay I look forward to feeding them and making a favourite dish. If they suddenlysuggested a takeaway I'd be sad.

They're your hosts. It's their home. Trust then to have offered your stay willingly. They know what they want to offer you to make you welcome. They're looking forward to your visit. Offering a meal out is lovely, but you really don't need to do more than that.

Basically, stop worrying! Especially stop worrying about what some random odd mumsnetters think (except for me, obv!)

SallyWD · 08/04/2024 09:12

I've never heard of house guests paying board. The posts I've read involved the guests expecting their hosts to pay for meals and activities outside the house too!
As a house guest I'd think it's appropriate to do what you're suggesting: take wine etc and then buy them a meal one night or lunchtime. This seems the perfect way to show your appreciation.
We host a lot and I really appreciate it when our guests buy us a meal, either outside or a take away. It gives me a break from all cooking.

OchonAgusOchonOh · 08/04/2024 09:12

KoolKookaburra · 08/04/2024 07:47

You're not going to offend them by saying " hi x looking forward to seeing you next month, did you want anything towards the extra costs of having us? Cost of living and all"

You mightn't offend them by offering them money but you are very likely to make them feel awkward.

Stick with your plan of bringing a gift (although unless you plan on a lot of drinking, beer, wine and spirits might be a bit much) and taking them out to dinner. Car parking is also a good idea. That shows you appreciate the invitation and their hospitality.

AgentProvocateur · 08/04/2024 09:12

It’s just a Mumsnet thing (like not answering your door). In real life, friendships are reciprocal and people actually like their friends and want to spend time with them.

Goldfishonabike · 08/04/2024 09:14

Hi OP, being the one who started one recent thread about house guests just want to chip in and say I’d never expect house guests to pay for staying with me and have never offered to pay when I stayed with people. I bring nice gifts from
home, and whenever we go to the shop w the hosts (if that happens) I offer to pay for groceries if the groceries are for our visit (not if they’d be buying a months worth of loo roll or whatever of course), offer to go and get groceries/drinks whenever something is needed and pay for that, and if we go out for a meal I offer to pay for that, same for takeaways, and I say it in a way so it’s not a question but clear I want to pay. If the host then continues insisting to pay, I let them, approx like this: I say “I’ll get this” and host goes something like “no it’s fine don’t worry it’s on me” And I go “no really, let me pay it’s the least we can do for you having us stay over” or something like that. If the host then still insists to pay I let them. (DH would go one more round though with this as he is Eastern European).
the way I look at it, I want my friends to know for sure I value their friendship and not their money, not using them as a hotel, and besides, paying for all
this is still way cheaper than paying for a hotel or air b n b.
When I used to live in London people would come over all the time and some would truly treat my home like a hotel, so I am very keen on not making others feel
that way.

BananaHammock23 · 08/04/2024 09:25

We also live in a popular tourist area where Airbnbs and hotels are expensive and fully booked in the summer. We have guests almost every weekend and would never ever expect them to offer cash. I only get pissed off if they come completely empty handed (no wine, chocolates, or even an offer of a takeaway etc on the first night!) or if they expect us to do all of the touristy stuff with them. We have several Michelin star restaurants in walking distance and simply can't afford to go out to them every weekend, so find it frustrating when friends make bookings expecting us to come along.

burnoutbabe · 08/04/2024 09:25

I think if soneone wanted to stay a week for work then they'd offer some money.

If just overnight for an interview then not. Or to get to an early flight.

I've only ever discussed money when it's a friend who wants to stay a few weeks in spair room as they were looking for a rental and starting work in my area/moving from rental to bought house.

So more a business type transaction (and they wouldn't really have cost me anymore money bar a bit of elec and hot water)

GnomeDePlume · 08/04/2024 10:11

When we lived abroad the gifts we really appreciated were things we couldn't buy locally which in our case were tea bags and a particular condiment.

This did lead to on one occasion to DMIL proudly showing off the jar of condiment then promptly dropping in it on our marble tiled hall floor where it smashed!

A colleague told the tale of living in Germany and having guests insist on buying beautiful looking cakes from the local bakery. Unfortunately colleague knew from long experience that the cakes looked beautiful but tasted of nothing. Guests thought colleague was declining the offer of cake out of politeness so would always insist then be profoundly disappointed.

mrsbyers · 08/04/2024 10:13

Paying for a meal out or takeaway would be appreciated I’m sure

Overtheatlantic · 08/04/2024 10:20

I always send flowers to arrive the day before my arrival and then pay for lunch/dinner.

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