I’ve realised my eyes wander when I chat to people

[ilovetomatoes]

And I can’t seem to stop it. It must be so off putting for people I’m talking to that they think I’m not focusing on them!!!

does anyone else have this? I was at a social event today and tried to focus on who I was talking to but my eyes were everywhere!! Anyone else?

I think it's fine to a certain extent, they say visual thinkers tend to do this and unless eyes are wandering on to genitals i think it's normal! I find it uncomfortable to give or receive constant eye contact, in some cultures its respectful to look straight in the eyes but i think it's more natural and less creepy to have eye contact breaks when talking, while listeners give a better impression when they look at the speaker. I would say people who close their eyes while talking unsettle me! I think people are now more aware of Autism and anxiety causing less or unusual eye contact and so more forgiving about it. Anyway, you can train yourself to change if you deem it necessary enough.

Thanks. What made me realise it was a couple of people I was talking to recently looked over their shoulder while I was talking, so it was obvious they thought I was looking at something behind them. So today I was really trying not to do it, it was better but still not great. I’m mid 40s and only just realised this!

And I’m definitely not looking at genitals 😂😂😂

I do this, I find eye contact uncomfortable

Do you have ADHD?

I think everyone does this - it is uncomfortable to be stared at

I definitely do this. I think loads of people do. I can make eye contact but not the whole way through a conversation, surely that would be more odd?

There is a difference between eye contact being uncomfortable and eyes wandering. I struggle with eye contact, but can still look at a person. I have a friend who is constantly looking past me, at other people, other things. It is really off putting and makes me feel she is looking for someone / something more interesting. She definitely isn't autistic.

I knew someone at uni that never looked you in the eye- she always looked above your head when she taked to you. It was very disconcerting and hard not to think she was very odd. So don't do this!

I’m concerned that I do this too.
If I have to think and speak - my eyes automatically wander away to top left, only returning to the person when I finish speaking. I can’t correct it.

Most people do this- check it out when you talking in a group. It's too intense to stare at somebody's eyes/face throughout a conversation

Most people do this a bit - obviously if you do it so much it looks like you're desperately seeking a way to escape that would be too much.

I actually find it unnerving when people maintain constant eye contact. The worst is when I'm driving and chatting to whoever is in the passenger seat and they are looking at me waiting for me to make eye contact, but I need to focus on the road. Mind you I insist on being the driver a lot because some of my friends fully maintain eye contact with their passenger while driving 😬.

Exactly. I don’t want people to feel I’m not interested. When they talk I look at them, it’s just when I am talking my eyes go mad!

Not to my knowledge and I don’t think I have any other aspects that would make me think I do but haven’t really considered it

I tried really hard today but could feel myself doing it!

Yes!!!! Top left exactly! It must be a thing?

Im the same. I only noticed recently. How did it take me so long, to be in my 40s and only just realise.
I've been wondering if I have autism or ADHD. I can give people eye contact if I concentrate but if I answer a question I tend to look away.
Edit: I look to the left and my body seems to want to turn there too. It's mortifying.

I do it too. Mine stems from hyper vigilance as a result of PTSD. I always have to be checking a room to see if there's 'danger'. I know it's ridiculous really but I can't help it.

This sounds like what I’ve been doing. Left leaning. Maddening!

I don't find it too difficult if I'm facing the person, but I find eye contact extremely difficult if I'm sat next to them. I guess that's normal?

I'm quite socially anxious though so I'm often concentrating hard on my body language and eye contact (am I giving too much? Too little?) more than what the person is actually saying sometimes.

I had a recruiter say this to me a few years back*, and I took it to heart. I’d been conscious I did this, but not to the extent that it was observable, so I started to watch other people more carefully, to see what they do. For me, it was a confidence thing; I was so deeply uncomfortable talking about myself that I couldn’t meet the other person’s eye without losing my train of thought or blushing. Even with friends.

I’ve kind of trained myself to be more still, calm my breathing, fold my hands (not gesture wildly) and it has helped me have better focus. It was nervous energy getting the better of me.

*Specifically, he asked if I had a cat; said I was like a cat; that I would do a hard stare when listening then my eyes were ‘chasing butterflies’ when I was answering questions. Was he trying to be helpful, or being a dick? Anyway, he didn’t put me forward for interview; a few months later, I emailed him to let him know I’d got my dream job, and he sent me a very sincere and warm email. I do think he had my interests (and his) at heart, but I was like wtf at the time.

I only noticed this when living in a different country, where people look into your eyes while talking. We more usually maintain eye contact while listening, and break it up while talking. What happened was that every conversation I had, no matter how trivial, felt terribly intimate - and somewhat unnerving - with both of us gazing fixedly into each other's eyes.

I tried to fix it, but the best I could do was fudge it by looking vaguely around the eye area when talking and listening. If you're a Brit, you're normal!

I do this somewhat too. I do try to make up for it a bit by making sure I am looking at them, nodding etc whilst they are talking to me.
I know I look away whilst forming my thoughts, so I try to periodically glance at them whilst I talk too.

I do this and I am very aware of it, and try very hard to correct it when I become conscious of doing it, but I do struggle. I have binocular vision disorder and for me that’s the cause of it. I have mentioned it a few times to people by way of apology when I’ve noticed I’m doing it a lot, and without exception they have all said that they have never noticed me doing it. Some
of them might be being polite, but several are very close friends who would 100% tell
me straight so I do trust them when they say it isn’t too noticeable or off-putting

So interesting. The chasing butterflies resonates with me. I would like to think he was just giving you feedback rather than being a dick.