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Original poster

I’ve realised my eyes wander when I chat to people

43 replies

ilovetomatoes · 07/04/2024 22:17

And I can’t seem to stop it. It must be so off putting for people I’m talking to that they think I’m not focusing on them!!!

does anyone else have this? I was at a social event today and tried to focus on who I was talking to but my eyes were everywhere!! Anyone else?

OP posts:

Original poster

ilovetomatoes · 07/04/2024 23:07

PopcornAndGummyBears · 07/04/2024 23:04

I do this and I am very aware of it, and try very hard to correct it when I become conscious of doing it, but I do struggle. I have binocular vision disorder and for me that’s the cause of it. I have mentioned it a few times to people by way of apology when I’ve noticed I’m doing it a lot, and without exception they have all said that they have never noticed me doing it. Some
of them might be being polite, but several are very close friends who would 100% tell
me straight so I do trust them when they say it isn’t too noticeable or off-putting

People do notice it with me though because they look over their shoulder. Then I feel bad and start to babble even more….

OP posts:

Garlicked · 07/04/2024 23:12

ilovetomatoes · 07/04/2024 23:07

People do notice it with me though because they look over their shoulder. Then I feel bad and start to babble even more….

Show quote history

This is unusual. Are you sort of monologuing at a distant spot? We (in our culture) expect people to break eye contact while talking, looking at our listener to make a point or invite a reaction. The rest of the time, we move our eyes around a bit - we don't stare in some other direction.

RoxieLoxy · 07/04/2024 23:34

I do this too and got to 45 and only just realised. I find it very uncomfortable making eye contact for longer than a few seconds. I'm now paranoid that it's really obvious. I know it can be a sign of ASD but I'm definitely not autistic....although I tick a few ADHD boxes but not enough for a diagnosis I don't think. Just wish I could maintain eye contact as people must notice.

ShortLivedComment · 07/04/2024 23:50

Can you start wearing sunglasses a lot more?

zigzagzigzagz · 08/04/2024 09:10

I think I do this, I even turn away a bit whilst I’m thinking and then turn back. I am trying to stop doing it!

eggplant16 · 08/04/2024 09:15

I can't think, process and look at somebody at the same time.

the80sweregreat · 08/04/2024 11:04

I can't maintain eye contact for long with anyone. Not sure why , I am convinced I have some kind of problem with the ability to do this but I'm not getting a diagnosis at my age as I doubt there is much I can do about it or a GP or specialist could do for me to overcome this quirk.
I haven't had anyone mention that they find it uncomfortable, but I am aware I do this a lot.

NeurodivergentBurnout · 08/04/2024 11:12

Someone pointed this out to me in my teens and I became super self-conscious about it. I was diagnosed with Autism and ADHD as an adult. I can do eye contact or listen, not both 😂 but if you need to fake it, look between someone’s eyebrows. It gives the illusion of eye contact without the discomfort.

MaryFuckingFerguson · 08/04/2024 11:14

It’s much worse to never break eye contact with people. Or to be one of those (my colleague) that shuts their eyes when they speak to you. I have another colleague who stares at my shoulder only when she speaks to me.

Somewhere in the middle is best. Constant eye contact is as weird as none.

Sluj · 08/04/2024 11:17

If you ever watch Penelope Wilton acting, she seems to focus on a person's chin when she is talking. I wonder if she has the same problem? Could you give it a try?

Dryt · 08/04/2024 11:22

As others have said this is normal - the listener looks at the speaker, the speaker looks mostly away. Maybe you’re fixing your gaze very intensely on a particular spot or something, if people are turning around to see what you’re looking at.

Ladyprehensile · 08/04/2024 11:23

I think it’s something to do with the way you’re brain is processing information. I look up to the right during thoughtful or deeper conversations. Perhaps I’m visualising something? I soon revert back to eye contact though.
I’m not autistic or ADHD but I am a deep thinker so maybe my brain is considering many strands of detail and my eyes wander? Fascinating stuff.

Sparklyhat · 08/04/2024 12:12

I'm the same , struggle with eye contact, it can be a sign of autism/adhd in some people (I believe I have autism but haven't pursued diagnosis)

NeurodivergentBurnout · 08/04/2024 14:02

On the flip side, I met someone who never broke eye contact. It was intense. I can only assume someone told her she had poor eye contact and she overcorrected! Natural eye contact has breaks but you have to maintain it to see how often people break eye contact!

Bunnyhair · 08/04/2024 14:09

SleepPrettyDarling · 07/04/2024 22:57

I had a recruiter say this to me a few years back*, and I took it to heart. I’d been conscious I did this, but not to the extent that it was observable, so I started to watch other people more carefully, to see what they do. For me, it was a confidence thing; I was so deeply uncomfortable talking about myself that I couldn’t meet the other person’s eye without losing my train of thought or blushing. Even with friends.

I’ve kind of trained myself to be more still, calm my breathing, fold my hands (not gesture wildly) and it has helped me have better focus. It was nervous energy getting the better of me.

*Specifically, he asked if I had a cat; said I was like a cat; that I would do a hard stare when listening then my eyes were ‘chasing butterflies’ when I was answering questions. Was he trying to be helpful, or being a dick? Anyway, he didn’t put me forward for interview; a few months later, I emailed him to let him know I’d got my dream job, and he sent me a very sincere and warm email. I do think he had my interests (and his) at heart, but I was like wtf at the time.

I had a recruiter tell me I stood on one leg while presenting. I thought she was taking the piss. But then I discovered that I really did! Like a fucking flamingo. No idea why. I now try very hard to keep both feet on the ground. I’m glad she told me or I’d never have known.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 08/04/2024 14:14

It's more comfortable than the Basilisk Stare that some people do. I hate that.

VWT5 · 08/04/2024 17:30

If I ever get called in for police questioning, (it won’t happen) or heaven forbid, on Judge Judy - there will just be a straight assumption that I’m guilty - because of my eyes. 🤣

Even as a 5 year old I remember taking the blame for stuff I hadn’t done - just cos I look guilty.

Original poster

ilovetomatoes · 24/04/2024 15:17

Hi all quick update. I’ve been focusing more on keeping my eyes on the person I’m speaking to without doing a hard stare. It seems to be working, I’ve had less shoulder checks from people I am speaking to 😂

OP posts:

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