Help with grammar please, every line is expensive !

[CheckMyGrammarPlease]

Hi I've name changed for privacy but I would really appreciate some help with the wording of an entry in a book of Remembrance

Basically this is what I've got so far (obv I've changed some of the details )

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Jones, David

1/1/1955 - 3/3/2024

Enjoy endless rides on your beloved Delta and wait for the next release from the Imaginary Number Crumpets.

Inserted by : his children Julia, David and Bethany and their mother , Susan

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Am I missing a comma / full stop etc . Have I missed a capital letter ?

Should the band name be in quotes ?

This thing gets hand written with, I presume, some sort of quill, so I need to get this right !!!

thanks

All good but remove 2 x spaces here:

Inserted by: his children Julia, David and Bethany and their mother, Susan.

Plus the full stop after Susan (add).

Not sure you need the colon
. There's an erroneous space between mother and the comma. Otherwise it looks fine to me.

actually this may well be the second line just for space

Enjoy endless rides on your beloved Delta and wait for the next Imaginary Number Crumpets release,

The app won't let me copy and paste, but I'd say Band Name without apostrophes but capital letters and not leave a space between : and name.

So sorry for your loss.

"Inserted by" seems like a very odd phrase unless that is standard for this book. how about "remembered by"

oh thank you all

does the other version of the line look ok ? do I need the band name in quotes ?

oh , I think I prefer "remember by" i was just follwing how others had completed their entries

so

Jones, David

1/1/1955 - 3/3/2024

Enjoy endless rides on your beloved Delta and wait for the next Imaginary Number Crumpets release.

Remembered by his children Julia, David and Bethany and their mother, Susan.

Wrong thread sorry.

ok, not sure between "release by" or "release from"

Jones, David

1/1/1955 - 3/3/2024

Enjoy endless rides on your Delta and wait for the next release by the Imaginary Number Crumpets.

Remembered by his children Julia, David and Bethany and their mother, Susan.

does mother need a capital letter ?

No. It’s correct with a lower case letter.

I would say:

remembered by his children - Julia, David and Bethany - and their mother, Susan.

is Susan his wife or ex-wife? If so, I’d say wife/ex-wife, Susan.

I’m sorry for your loss.

Regarding commas, I think it needs something after children, maybe a dash. And the Oxford comma is preferred so add a comma after Bethany.

Remembered by his children Julia, David and Bethany, and their mother, Susan.

If Susan is David's wife, I think that should be referred to in some way.

I’m assuming Susan is his ex and this is a tactful and elegant way of avoiding saying so. I like it.

And it's "release by". I love that you're being so careful about this. It shows great respect.

"Remembered by his children Julia, David and Bethany, and their mother, Susan."

this will actually appear on three lines

Remembered by his children
Julia, David and Bethany
and their mother, Susan.

So i don't think it necessary needs the extra comma after "bethany" ?

ok , am I there you lovely vipers ?

Jones, David

1/1/1955 - 3/3/2024

Enjoy endless rides on your Delta
and wait for the next release by the
Imaginary Number Crumpets.

Remembered by his children
Julia, David and Bethany
and their mother, Susan.

Either release by or release from is fine. I would favour release from, because in the next line you have remembered by

You have lots of options for commas and dashes so you will get lots of suggestions. For me, the following would be clearest, but not all of those commas are essential, and even calling some of them essential is pedantic. This is how I'd write it if I wanted it pedant proof:

Enjoy endless rides on your Delta, and wait for the next release from the Imaginary Number Crumpets!

Remembered by his children, Julia, David, and Bethany, and their mother, Susan.

First comma optional - keeps sentence structure clear

Second comma needed for pedantic purposes - could imply otherwise there are children who aren't listed.

Third comma needed

Fourth comma optional. People will talk about this as an Oxford comma. They are optional - the last one in a list before 'and'.

Fifth comma needed for pedantic purposes - could imply otherwise Susan is also his child. In practice people read using common sense.

Sixth comma optional but gives balance to the sentence - same punctuation after children and mother.

The exclamation mark is there because you are wording this as a command or order. It might seem a bit cheerful though, since we usually meet exclamation marks in light-hearted contexts. So you could make a conscious decision to drop it - people do sometimes. Or you could rephrase to 'Hope you enjoy ...' Or you could include it, because your message is uplifting in time. I would probably keep it.

It looks like a lovely personal message.

The Oxford comma is not preferred. No need for a comma after Bethany.

If you can, I would write the dates as 1st January and 3rd March
It reads more easily and has a warmer feel imo

This would be absolutely fine

Thank you all, I must admit I got a bit lost with the , very thorough , explanation above !! ( i am not , obviously very good with grammar) but thank you

I like the "hope you enjoy" but I'm very limited on how many letters per line , only 36 i think

Jones, David

1st Jan 1966 - 2nd Feb 2024

Enjoy endless rides on your Delta,
and wait for the next release by the
Imaginary Number Crumpets.

Remembered by his children
Julia, David and Bethany,
and their mother, Susan.